To think a lot of lonely people have brought it on themselves?

[LovelyYellowLabrador]

Just been watching a channel 4 thing on YouTube about lonely people
Most of them were like-no one calls…. They don’t see anyone all day
They maybe have had a marriage where their partner was the only other person they spent time with so when threat person has passed away they have no one else

Just think people need to think more about what they are doing
They expect their adult children to call them all the time and visit
Yet don’t stop to pause to think have I been a good parent am I draining or overly negative

Or they could think right no one’s called me, who am I going to call
How am I going to make and keep some friends

Daisy I am so glad you enjoyed your WI experience, there are lots of different WIs so it is great to hear that you found a good 'fit'. Our WI has actually increased its membership since lockdown, mainly because people heard we were a fairly lively, fun bunch of women with an interesting programme and we've attracted quite a few new members since we started meeting up again.

Your experience of the Wi is so different to mine. Glad it worked for you.

I like socialising but I don’t generally enjoy weddings. It’s mostly spending the day with people you don’t know, won’t ever see again.

I think I would do better in a city as I would find more social groups (virtually nothing in the northern town I live in). Also more chance to find people more like me. I’m a bit of a geek. Most people who live here aren’t interested in the things I’m interested in and frankly think I’m odd. When I did live in a city more people seemed to be like me.

In general I'd make more of an attempt to go to a wedding where there would be other guests to catch up with. As long as they don't do one of those mix it up seating plans it can be a nice way to spend time with people you may not see often.

@haismfh

People who aren’t very sociable tend not to end up feeling lonely when they become “alone”

That's a sweeping generalization. You say now that if one of you dies you'll be ok because you like being alone/are used to being alone.

I thought I was like that but absolutely nothing prepares you for when you really are alone, parents dead, no partner, no siblings. You're suddenly alone in the world and there's no one to talk to. There's no one to share joy or pain with. No one to tell any achievements to who would be proud of you. And no one to listen when you're worried sick about a health problem.
And having to make every damn decision by yourself. And the grind of cooking for one.

I think these "go out and join a hobby group and make an effort with people" are missing the point that it's the hours of bone-aching loneliness at home which are the problem. And also not wanting to burden others with anything, it means you have to deal with absolutely everything yourself for fear of getting dumped as a friend for daring to be negative once in a while.

I think these "go out and join a hobby group and make an effort with people" are missing the point that it's the hours of bone-aching loneliness at home which are the problem. And also not wanting to burden others with anything, it means you have to deal with absolutely everything yourself for fear of getting dumped as a friend for daring to be negative once in a while.

I agree with you there. It’s an excellent description and I’m not sure that people who are not REALLY alone can understand that.

Esther Rantzen (I know, bear with me) was on First Dates a few years back. She said she had lots of people to do things with. But she had nobody to do nothing with.

I think that's a really good way of putting it.

@Phormiumjester

Esther Rantzen (I know, bear with me) was on First Dates a few years back. She said she had lots of people to do things with. But she had nobody to do nothing with.

I think that's a really good way of putting it.

Companionable silence is really important. Being able to just sit and read the papers with someone else and not needing to talk all the time. Only happens with very good friends.

@Coffeepot72

Whereas my 90+ yo great uncle, when he could no longer manage the stairs to his flat, the Housing Association found him a place in residential care where he had his own bedroom/living room/bathroom/kitchenette. He could walk down the corridor for lunch and tea with other people, and use a communal lounge if he wanted to, but also had privacy and could make his own drinks and breakfast

That would suit me down to the ground, particularly if I could take the cat!

Can I have one of these now or do I have to be 90+?

@2Rebecca

True, but I don't understand how some people reach adulthood without having an interest or hobby. I have loads and most of my groups are meeting up again in person and I'm in Scotland.

I don't have any hobbies as such. I like going on the internet, watching TV and going to the pub just like millions of people do. I can't be that weird surely?

[quote TheApexOfMyLife]@Gwenhwyfar, really??

People don’t want to mix friendship groups because they present differently in each group. Nothing to do with the fact that they have interests so different that those people are likely to NOT be compatible?

I mean I used to go diving and caving. Still have friends that are doing that (can’t due to my health).
I also really enjoy reading and book club. I tend to be quite nerdy in j’y readings too.
Do you think those two groups of people will be likely to have shared interest there?[/quote]
Why not? People who dive and people who read can talk about other things can't they?

In any case, the people I'm talking about go out for dinners or drinks with their different friendship groups.

The point is many people don’t have friendship groups. They have very few if any friends. So naturally they see these people one to one.

Daisy in the context of this thread I was trying to make the point (probably not very well) that there are people I know who say they are lonely and don't have many friends but won't join in anything except being 'one to one'. I know people who are happy to meet me for a coffee but if I suggest doing something with a wider group such as an organised activity, they don't want to do it ... so I find their attitude to me is rather needy.

Yes I understand. I have had the same problem with a couple of friends. It is suffocating.

Ironically, I find the opposite a bit. There are times in my life when I would have so loved to have been introduced to new people, but my old friends just met me one to one.

My mum has a social life... is out all the time. My dad.... "I don't need anyone, I have your mum". A lot of couples out there are the same.

Xeno yes ... until one of them is left alone. My DF died last year and I am so glad my DM has a wide network of friends - both 'old' friends and 'new' ones and the confidence to go out and join new activities... she is amazing for 88!

Neither of my parents socialise much. Growing up I never remember them talking to neighbors or having guests over. I do worry how they'll cope in old age.

@Ragwort

Xeno yes ... until one of them is left alone. My DF died last year and I am so glad my DM has a wide network of friends - both 'old' friends and 'new' ones and the confidence to go out and join new activities... she is amazing for 88!

Yes my mother is the same. However my father didn't like people and was very antisocial. So they never had people round or spoke to the neighbours. My mother's friends were formed through her religion, so when my father died they were a lifeline.

@Ragwort

Xeno yes ... until one of them is left alone. My DF died last year and I am so glad my DM has a wide network of friends - both 'old' friends and 'new' ones and the confidence to go out and join new activities... she is amazing for 88!

She is also extremely lucky to be in good health so she can actually go out and meet people.

At that age, many people have mobility issues that will stop them from doing that. Hell, I’m just turning 50yo and I have been struggling with socialising for more than 10 years now, just because of that….

I asked this question earlier in the thread but I don’t think anyone commented on it, but what constitutes a decent network of friends? And what’s the definition of a good social life!

@Coffeepot72

I asked this question earlier in the thread but I don’t think anyone commented on it, but what constitutes a decent network of friends? And what’s the definition of a good social life!

Well, whatever you personally find satisfactory, presumably? It’s very personal — I think of myself as someone with a lot of friends, though I’m always open to more interesting new people in my life. However, I also need a lot of time alone and, by the standards of some Mners, whose friendship groups seem to involve a lot of ‘checking-in’ messaging and drama about being excluded from meet-ups, I’m probably quite solitary. Certainly, having moved around a lot, many people I consider good friends live in different countries and I don’t see them very often.

It's what meets your needs I think, the fact that your needs change over time makes it more complicated. I found having kids has given me a need to have other friends with small children to do things with for example.

They not much when you 80+. Her choir stopped. Cold church. I call where I can. She negative. So u wouldnt be calling alot listening to negativity. No easy answers. My dad did everything for her

I think there's a fundamental truth being missed here and that's that lonliness isn't a choice like choosing to have toast for breakfast is. Another important thing to remember is that being unlikeable doesn't mean that you're unkind or unworthy. I am an extremely empathic person. I would go to the end of the earth for you if you were my friend but there's only so much trying and putting yourself out there that you can do before it feels futile. My own parents are fairly selfish and don't offer much in the way of practical support with my child. My in-laws did some pretty horrific things and put our child at risk without us realising which resulted in ss being heavily on our backs through literally no fault of our own. When I dare to communicate that I'm remotely upset about this I'm gaslighted into being the unreasonable one. Nevertheless I have chosen to forgive them. Our house is an open house and they know they can visit whenever they want... but they don't... I ask to meet up with my SIL who has kids a similar age and it's met with a flat 'no'. We again get no practical support from any of them. I have been to every baby group etc going. I am always the one to 'make the first move' and will happily chat to anyone. However it's either met with straight up snubbery or never escalates to more than a polite hello. I've even met up with people on the peanut app and my daughter has literally been the perfect playmate but then when I suggest meeting up again it's ignored. Please some of the wise people on here who think lonliness is a choice do tell me what more I can/should do??

Another important thing to remember is that being unlikeable doesn't mean that you're unkind or unworthy.

Well, no, but surely it might go some way to explaining why you might struggle to make friends, @Jannt86?