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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a lot of lonely people have brought it on themselves?

557 replies

LovelyYellowLabrador · 31/01/2022 11:12

Just been watching a channel 4 thing on YouTube about lonely people
Most of them were like-no one calls…. They don’t see anyone all day
They maybe have had a marriage where their partner was the only other person they spent time with so when threat person has passed away they have no one else

Just think people need to think more about what they are doing
They expect their adult children to call them all the time and visit
Yet don’t stop to pause to think have I been a good parent am I draining or overly negative

Or they could think right no one’s called me, who am I going to call
How am I going to make and keep some friends

OP posts:
Mary46 · 03/02/2022 22:15

I agree gwen bit easier a few in the group. We walk at 6pm not a great time but I make myself go as its new people. Mix ages. I hate negativity bloody draining. The women are lovely

Mary46 · 03/02/2022 22:17

Ragwort agree u can only do so much for people.

DustyGrapevine · 03/02/2022 22:28

[quote BungleandGeorge]@Mischance totally agree, as a single person you’re frequently left out because people want to socialise with couples. Not to mention some women suddenly become worried you’ll go off with their husband[/quote]
I can totally relate to this! I have also noticed over the years that there are women who suddenly target me as a potential 'bestie' if they find themselves single. They've never included me in their social circle when they were part of a couple, but seem to think I've been sitting around all alone, just waiting for them to have time to hang out with me. I've had at least 3 work colleagues who have done this and been very put out to discover I had my own stuff going on and no time for them!

WhatNoRaisins · 04/02/2022 00:25

Only ever wanting to meet one to one can often be a red flag.

DaisyChains3 · 04/02/2022 06:32

@WhatNoRaisins

Only ever wanting to meet one to one can often be a red flag.
For what?
JustDanceAddict · 04/02/2022 06:48

@WhatNoRaisins

Only ever wanting to meet one to one can often be a red flag.
Eh? I have a friend I made at my last job - she left nearly 4 years ago and we still meet 1-2-1 - she hasn’t kept in touch with anyone else and we have no-one in common any more but we get on so well and meet every couple of months!! There have been very few people I’ve totally clicked with like that in my midlife years so I really hope we stay in touch. We can sustain a meet up for 3 hours and still not run out if things go say!!
WhatNoRaisins · 04/02/2022 06:59

For being needy and negative. It doesn't mean every single one to one friendship is though.

If I was lonely and met person A who only wanted 1 to 1 and person B who included me with their other friends and was open to spending time with other people I suggested then all things being equal person B is the more promising one.

DaisyChains3 · 04/02/2022 07:23

There’s nothing wrong with meeting one to one. However someone who can’t interact in groups or with others can be a strain. Some people have really poor social skills through no fault of their own and it can be draining if that person looks to you for everything. I have known a couple of people like this. Good friends one to one, but when I see them with other people, I realise they are quite socially awkward.

Fritilleries · 04/02/2022 07:23

Meeting 1:1 is seen as weird and needy? What if you don't have "other friends" and are trying to build a social network from scratch? With attitudes like yours, no wonder some of us really struggle.

WhatNoRaisins · 04/02/2022 07:26

Only wanting to meet 1:1 can be a sign of a needy person yes. If the other person does have other friends but won't mix us together I'd worry I was just a pity friend.

Fritilleries · 04/02/2022 07:55

@WhatNoRaisins

Only wanting to meet 1:1 can be a sign of a needy person yes. If the other person does have other friends but won't mix us together I'd worry I was just a pity friend.
Well then. That explains this entire thread. We're screwed with that kind of thinking.
WhatNoRaisins · 04/02/2022 07:59

If you only want 1:1 and most of the people you meet want to eventually branch out to friendship groups that would be challenging.

At no point have I said meeting 1:1 in of itself is weird. If that's what people take from what I've said that's on them.

TheApexOfMyLife · 04/02/2022 08:33

@WhatNoRaisins

Only wanting to meet 1:1 can be a sign of a needy person yes. If the other person does have other friends but won't mix us together I'd worry I was just a pity friend.
You see that’s exactly what I was saying upthread.

People are so fixed about certain ways of doing things. They ABSOLUTELY do not want to get involved in a friendship that could be ‘too overwhelming’ (one that will ask them to act like friends rather than acquaintances??) so a 1-1 is a no-go.
And there are many other rules that friends need to meet, often totally unconscious.
But if you fail to meet them, then you are labelled as overbearing, too many red flags, can’t be bothered with (That often includes not reacting the ‘right way’ because people have a different background btw)

The ‘being negative’ comment for example is an interesting one for me.
I have a good friend who I haven’t been seeing for a few months. That’s because she is struggling MH wise and is worried she will be afraid/negative so is keeping to herself instead if reaching out to get support from her friends. I find that really sad tbh but is the direct consequence of telling people ‘they are negative so you don’t want to be friend with them’.
And then, to top it up, people will wonder why they have been ghosted because said friend hasn’t contacted them/doesn’t answer quickly enough/doesn’t want to meet up. So they decide that actually they are not friends anymore, despite not having a clue as to why.

And then you wonder why some people have no/few friends??

TheApexOfMyLife · 04/02/2022 08:36

@WhatNoRaisins

Only wanting to meet 1:1 can be a sign of a needy person yes. If the other person does have other friends but won't mix us together I'd worry I was just a pity friend.
Also quite interesting that you make meeting up as a 1-1 such a personal issue - it means YOU are a pity friend. Why should it say anything about YOU as a person??? Confused

But you are NOT mentioning the other person - who might be shy, have different interests from your usual friends, doesn’t have friends etc etc…

Fritilleries · 04/02/2022 08:36

Hence I said we're screwed.

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/02/2022 08:38

Harsh. It’s really not that simple. There are as many reasons for loneliness as there are lonely people.

WhatNoRaisins · 04/02/2022 08:45

I think because to me bringing people together and meeting friends through friends is a very normal thing and what had worked for me before. People who only see me as a 1:1 and not for mixing with any of their other friends have felt a bit like a dead end socially. Fine if the 1:1s work for you but not so good for expanding your social contacts.

I'd struggle to find enough time to sustain a series of 1:1 only friendships rather than at least some overlap and group things.

Fritilleries · 04/02/2022 08:50

@WhatNoRaisins

I think because to me bringing people together and meeting friends through friends is a very normal thing and what had worked for me before. People who only see me as a 1:1 and not for mixing with any of their other friends have felt a bit like a dead end socially. Fine if the 1:1s work for you but not so good for expanding your social contacts.

I'd struggle to find enough time to sustain a series of 1:1 only friendships rather than at least some overlap and group things.

What if those 1:1 people genuinely don't have any other friends? Where does a group materialise from? How does a lone individual go from 1:1 to part of a group if the initial 1:1 is seen as strange or needy?
WhatNoRaisins · 04/02/2022 08:56

Well obviously someone with no other friends would only be meeting 1:1 in any case. Doesn't take a genius to work that one out. The issue for me is if said person either never wanted to consider expanding beyond 1:1. That could be a warning sign of a suffocating friendship.

InisnaBro · 04/02/2022 09:06

@Ragwort

Perhaps it's a lot to do with your upbringing and whether your parents had friends, were outgoing, sociable and 'joiners'. My DM is 89 this year but she has always had loads of friends, joined everything going, volunteered etc etc. she was an only DC but her DPs (my DGPs) were also active and busy. My DM, widowed recently, but active in the community, goes to yoga, theatre, bridge and looking for ways to 'help old people' Grin. So for me, it was the norm to always make the effort, find new hobbies and organisations to join .. that's how I met my DH, through a shared hobby, and our DS (also an only DC) is the same ... he's doing his 'sandwich year' out from Uni and really finds it easy to join things and make new friends.

Perhaps if you haven't had the 'model' of making friends then it is clearly not so easy.

I had the opposite, @Ragwort, in that both my parents are timid, socially-isolated people with no friendships, and I was taught some deeply odd scripts about human interaction as a child — my mother is a people-pleaser who trots around collecting the vulnerable and unwell and then being bitter when they only phone when they want something, and I suspect my father is not NT and can manage minimal interactions — but by my late teens, I’d figured out I needed to behave entirely differently around other people to the way I’d been taught. I have good, lasting friendships as an adult, despite moving around internationally.

I know it’s a truism to say that Mn is dominated by introverts who refuse to answer the doorbell, but I think a more important thing — given the number and frequency of threads on friendship — is that it’s dominated numerically by quite disordered friendship situations (naturally enough, as people only post about problems), and also by quite disordered ideas about friendship, both by people in disordered friendships and people who avoid friendship entirely because it’s ‘too much drama’.

DottyHarmer · 04/02/2022 10:14

@InisnaBro - that may be true - and then they feel worse by another group, the Superiors . You know the ones, the posters who arrive on “friends” threads and sneer that they have enough friends, no vacancies here, and that it’s sad to try to make friends at the school gate/work/ through hobbies/anywhere.

I don’t know why they do it; you wouldn’t go on a thread for the blind and boast that you had 20/20 vision. But I suppose it does give some insight into how some people think and why they avoid new people like the plague.

2Rebecca · 04/02/2022 10:23

I think able bodied lonely people are responsible for relieving their loneliness by going out and joining groups/ meeting people etc. OK they may not want to do that but they have to appreciate that other people don't always want to trek round to their house and you have to meet people half way. You also need hobbies and enthusiasms. If you are frail and housebound then you are more dependant on other people visiting but most lonely people are capable of leaving their house and meeting people. They just choose not to.
Also being alone and being lonely are different. Some people are happier in their own company than others. If you develop dementia that can make you more lonely as you lack the imagination and motivation to do stuff, you can also forget that you had a visitor a couple of hours ago.

Coffeepot72 · 04/02/2022 10:31

@InisnaBro - that may be true - and then they feel worse by another group, the Superiors . You know the ones, the posters who arrive on “friends” threads and sneer that they have enough friends, no vacancies here, and that it’s sad to try to make friends at the school gate/work/ through hobbies/anywhere.

Ah yes, the 'friends' equivalent of a 'smug married'?

InisnaBro · 04/02/2022 10:44

[quote DottyHarmer]**@InisnaBro* - that may be true - and then they feel worse by another group, the Superiors* . You know the ones, the posters who arrive on “friends” threads and sneer that they have enough friends, no vacancies here, and that it’s sad to try to make friends at the school gate/work/ through hobbies/anywhere.

I don’t know why they do it; you wouldn’t go on a thread for the blind and boast that you had 20/20 vision. But I suppose it does give some insight into how some people think and why they avoid new people like the plague.[/quote]
Well, I suppose it’s potentially useful on an anonymous forum for people who are making efforts to make friends to hear that it may not be anything they’re doing wrong, the person who’s refused an offer of coffee may just feel they have no room for more relationships in their life?

I certainly recognised in a place I lived unhappily for almost eight years that my inability to make friends there was just a mismatch between me and my environment, nothing to do with some failing in either.

I’m a normally socially-confident person and I did all the things that would be normally suggested on here, for years — volunteer, join things, support local businesses, have a child at the village school, go to the pub and church, get involved in the PTA etc etc, to no avail. It certainly wasn’t a particularly welcoming environment, and people tended to stay there all their lives or move back to ‘settle’, so they were strongly embedded in their originally peer group and, even if they weren’t, I think the people I met simply had little or no practice in ‘making friends’ from scratch because they’d never really had to. Plus, when it came down to it, I just wasn’t the ‘type’ for them. Or, I suspect, vice versa, if I’d ever had a chance to know them better.

Coffeepot72 · 04/02/2022 11:12

I think "right place right time" also plays into this. I'm in a fairly good place now with friends, but that hasn't always been the case, and throughout I've always been the same person! However going through a friends 'dry spell' about 10 years ago made me realise how important it is, to keep making an effort. Even when you find yourself in "wrong place, wrong time" situation.