To think a lot of lonely people have brought it on themselves?

[LovelyYellowLabrador]

Just been watching a channel 4 thing on YouTube about lonely people
Most of them were like-no one calls…. They don’t see anyone all day
They maybe have had a marriage where their partner was the only other person they spent time with so when threat person has passed away they have no one else

Just think people need to think more about what they are doing
They expect their adult children to call them all the time and visit
Yet don’t stop to pause to think have I been a good parent am I draining or overly negative

Or they could think right no one’s called me, who am I going to call
How am I going to make and keep some friends

Bit of a judgemental post! Goodness me - we do not know what other people's situations might be.

They expect their adult children to call them all the time and visit - that's a bit harsh. If you are widowed, it would be nice to think your children might visit now and again! Not unreasonable.

But I agree that we need to try and make our own happiness and not be dependent on them or others to do this for you. But sometimes - especially for widows - this can be very challenging. They have a lot of difficult emotional issues to deal with.

I think a bit more compassion might not come amiss!

The "lonely" person I know is an absolute crank. Self-absorbed, very unpleasant. It's no surprise she's alone.

@Mischance

Bit of a judgemental post! Goodness me - we do not know what other people's situations might be.

They expect their adult children to call them all the time and visit - that's a bit harsh. If you are widowed, it would be nice to think your children might visit now and again! Not unreasonable.

But I agree that we need to try and make our own happiness and not be dependent on them or others to do this for you. But sometimes - especially for widows - this can be very challenging. They have a lot of difficult emotional issues to deal with.

I think a bit more compassion might not come amiss!

Indeed.

From the sound of it, you're talking about people who are craving companionship but (for whatever reason) don't have it.

Maybe some of them could be doing more, and maybe some of them aren't very nice in the first place, but I think it says more about you if your first thought on seeing someone struggling is 'probably their fault'.

The idea of the need for reciprocity in a friendship works well if the people involved are both in a good place emotionally and physically but sometimes one person can have 'ground to a halt' and perhaps needs the other person to be more proactive about initiating a friendship, or keeping it going in the short term.

Life circumstances should be taken into account before judging someone as too passive or too demanding.

It just doesn't happen overnight.
You don't wake up one morning and poof you're alone.

Usually happens in dribs and drabs.
Life gets in the way.
Plus there's only so many times you can get knocked back.
You then retreat in to yourself and so it continues.

My MIL is lonely and I feel bad when I pass her house in the car but she treated us badly for the past 20 odd years and we weren’t welcome to ‘drop in’ without an invitation (SIL hates DP, her brother) and SIL has always been prioritised. Now MIL is older, SIL doesn’t want to be bothered and MIL is looking to us to ‘step up’. Too little too late unfortunately and after years of no real relationship the kids have no interest either. Very sad really.

@EmmaH2022

Velvet "theres even a law now that more then 3 people hanging around in the street is classed as an illegal gathering and they can be ordered to disperse."

Where is this please?

The ASB 2014 Act

If only everyone was as perfect as you @LovelyYellowLabrador

Lonely doesn't necessarily mean alone. You can feel lonely in a relationship or family, or at work.

I agree. As a nurse, I often care for people who despite being 'alone' don't appear to be short of good friends and neighbours who help them with all kinds of things and provide company. These people always describe themselves as 'lucky' to have the support but I think that this 'luck' is often nurtured and deserved.
I also meet some very lonely people (usually divorced men) who claim that they have no friends or family who care for them - and I'm often not surprised!
Interesting to read PP's experiences of moving to a new area and being lonely too, I suppose I have experienced that but always had someone at the end of a phone I could chat to.

I’m not sure it’s a fully fair observation at the current time. Thinking about my retired parents, my mum did loads of activities, groups, volunteering, stuff to do with church etc that all completely stopped in March 2020 and a lot of which hasn’t come back (or her health no longer allows her to participate). If she was single, if her children and grandchildren lived further away, she wouldn’t see anyone she knows for weeks at a time. She’s done everything ‘right’ according to you, by fostering friendships and social networks, but a lot of it has been taken away through no fault of her own.

What the fuck is the point of this thread? You've clearly got a nice enough life and can't empathise that others might not and be in the well on loneliness for a ton of reasons. How insufferable you are

Yes not easy op. My dog gets me out. Few nice parks here. As you say kids older you dont meet the mums. I have a few friends but everyone so busy busy now

@muddyboots

I agree. As a nurse, I often care for people who despite being 'alone' don't appear to be short of good friends and neighbours who help them with all kinds of things and provide company. These people always describe themselves as 'lucky' to have the support but I think that this 'luck' is often nurtured and deserved. I also meet some very lonely people (usually divorced men) who claim that they have no friends or family who care for them - and I'm often not surprised! Interesting to read PP's experiences of moving to a new area and being lonely too, I suppose I have experienced that but always had someone at the end of a phone I could chat to.

I used to be that lucky one

I do think luck plays a big part - I worked crazy hours and somehow still got a network of lovely people, I don't know how

But equally, they mostly vanished and it's not my fault we had a lockdown 🤷🏻‍♀️

Luck is a factor in so many things.

@Pyri

There are lots of reasons, some very sad (ie old people where basically everyone they know has died)

But reading some of these threads - where posters say they don’t need friends because they have a husband and child; or the ones where people cut off friends and family for very small reasons - I wonder if they realise how lonely they will be in years to come when they’re widowed and their children have flown the nest.

Relationships wax and wane, and sometimes you’re closer to people than others. I think that’s ok, but not everyone on here does

I agree with this.

You see this attitude on here all the time, I call it the "Fortress Family" mindset, I have my husband and kids and I can't be arsed don't need anyone else.

It's profoundly unhealthy and depressing. Given that nearly half of marriages end in separation it seems asking for trouble to assume that your SO is the only other adult you need in your life. Even if you don't separate, spending all your time with one other adult will make anyone very insular and boring.

@Pyri

There are lots of reasons, some very sad (ie old people where basically everyone they know has died)

But reading some of these threads - where posters say they don’t need friends because they have a husband and child; or the ones where people cut off friends and family for very small reasons - I wonder if they realise how lonely they will be in years to come when they’re widowed and their children have flown the nest.

Relationships wax and wane, and sometimes you’re closer to people than others. I think that’s ok, but not everyone on here does

Just to say re: this "or the ones where people cut off friends and family for very small reasons - I wonder if they realise how lonely they will be in years to come when they’re widowed and their children have flown the nest."

I don't allow people who treat me badly in my life and I don't want my DD growing up to be a doormat so I have double reason. I have cut off family members and some past friends and would strongly encourage other to do the same if the consequence of having them in your life is to be constantly miserable. Having less toxic people in your circle makes space for new healthier relationships and stronger friendships with people who treat you well. That said, you have to constantly work on it to actually seek these out and making sure you keep putting the effort in. I'd take my 4 close friends who have my back no matter what over 10 blood family members who constantly put me down and walked all over me.

@coronabeer

It's rarely as simple as you say.

Depression, for example can make a person withdraw from social life - and as loneliness increases, so too can the depression.

Lonely people can both crave company and fear it.

Fear of rejection can make it difficult to join social events of any sort, let alone attempt to initiate them.

Loneliness itself is a stigma - lots of people seem to think there must be something wrong with a person that they are alone, so they are effectively shunned.

I'm pretty lonely most of the time, I'll admit it. I can look back to times in my life when I was popular with a wide social circle, but those times melted away, basically because life got in the way. I've lived in loads of different parts of the country, so keep being uprooted from friends I do make. Good friends have likewise moved around or even emigrated. I had an unhappy marriage for years with little opportunity to have a social life. I have no extended family whatsoever apart from my elderly mother, who I rarely see. My brother died about 3 years ago. I moved to a new town during lockdown. I'm probably suffering from low-grade depression right now, but I've seen a couple of groups I might try out and hopefully something will grow from there.

@coronabeer - I think you've described the problem really well, especially for someone like me who is a bit shy and shrivel internally at the thought of just picking up the phone to have a chat with a friend.

I agree op.

One of my relatives moans about how infrequently people want to talk to him. In MY experience, he likes to get a rise out of people over dinner (usually his poor wife) and I find it draining. The rest of my friends or family leave me feeling positively topped up after a visit.

Myself, I’m naturally quiet, and making friends and keeping friendships is 100% a conscious effort for me. But it’s totally worth it, so I do it. I think if I had been naturally sociable, I probably wouldn’t have realised the effort required to maintain friendships and not let them slip away.

I agree with both sides here.

I used to be very lonely and it wasn’t because I didn’t have friends, just that understandably the friends prioritised their own families. So weekends, Christmas and so on were always difficult.

However, I have known some complete arses who have no one and it’s not surprising.

Loneliness is brutal, though.

@VelvetChairGirl are you thinking of Section 35? Think you've got the wrong end of the stick there, these powers relate specifically to ASB.

YABU to make a sweeping statement. My granny was lonely after my grandad died, we were in Ireland while she was in England and my mum was her only child. We saw her maybe 5 times a year for a week or so at a time. She had friends but they were elderly and didn't live local so meet ups weren't regularly, she helped out in a charity shop once a week but most of her days she spent alone. It can very easily happen as you get old. Thankfully she met a new partner but for years I know she was very lonely.

I have a neighbour who is in a dreadfully sad position. All alone, estranged from her only daughter & her beloved husband died suddenly a few months ago at a relatively young age (60s). I have been trying to support her, but I am starting to resent it. She is quite demanding and, as awful as it sounds, has made no effort to improve her life herself (if it was me I'd be taking steps to sell the large valuable house she lives in and move into a lovely place with communal gardens and a warden). The fact is, i have lived next door for 10 years, and she made no effort to get to know me (whereas I knew her husband quite well). I got to know her a bit during her husband's illness, and now he's gone, i feel like she expects too much of me, when I don't really feel like I owe her anything other than human decency.

[quote JesusInTheCabbageVan]@VelvetChairGirl are you thinking of Section 35? Think you've got the wrong end of the stick there, these powers relate specifically to ASB.[/quote]
no I have not got the wrong end of the stick when they can use those powers just because people with zero criminal records are hanging about.