To think a lot of lonely people have brought it on themselves?

[LovelyYellowLabrador]

Just been watching a channel 4 thing on YouTube about lonely people
Most of them were like-no one calls…. They don’t see anyone all day
They maybe have had a marriage where their partner was the only other person they spent time with so when threat person has passed away they have no one else

Just think people need to think more about what they are doing
They expect their adult children to call them all the time and visit
Yet don’t stop to pause to think have I been a good parent am I draining or overly negative

Or they could think right no one’s called me, who am I going to call
How am I going to make and keep some friends

There's lots of reasons - introversion, shyness, other neuro-diverse conditions. Sometimes it's because of caring responsibilities that they can't drop. For me it was all my mates getting married and having kids - you really do feel alone when that happens. It's not black and white.

There are lots of reasons, some very sad (ie old people where basically everyone they know has died)

But reading some of these threads - where posters say they don’t need friends because they have a husband and child; or the ones where people cut off friends and family for very small reasons - I wonder if they realise how lonely they will be in years to come when they’re widowed and their children have flown the nest.

Relationships wax and wane, and sometimes you’re closer to people than others. I think that’s ok, but not everyone on here does

Was the purpose of the program to highlight the difficulties some people have and how those situation occur or just blame them?

Lots of reasons. Some are brought on by the person's own behaviour and some are outside their control. I am not sure it is possible to generalize it enough to claim a lot of people bring it on themselves.

I agree with the patent child thing. I think a parent bears a huge amount of responsibility for the quality of the child parent relationship.
But I have sympathy for lonely people. It is easy enough to have friends and keep in contact with people for many of us. Many others have difficulties with intimacy, with making friends in the first place, with social skills. Some times these difficulties seem insurmountable to them. That doesn't mean they deserve to be lonely.

I don’t think it’s the whole story in a lot of cases but I think you’re broadly right.

People aren’t great at introspection and it’s much more soothing to think that your circumstances are the result of things beyond your control but quite often there are identifiable events or actions not taken that would have made a difference had the individual chosen to make different choices.

People are often at their least attractive and least able to present themselves as good friendship/companionship material when they need the most compassion and help. I think that should to be factored in.

I think it's a sort of old fashioned thing that people pop round for a cuppa and a chat.
Somehow we seem to be too busy now - possibly due to most women working when 30 years ago many were sah.
Imv you need to DO things to meet people - walk, go to church, join a choir etc etc If you don't do anything then you probably won't meet anyone.

I'm lonely because I have standards. My parents i am NC with. I've let go of toxic friendships and I'm not charging in to new relationships looking for a new best friend.

But absolutely, friendships and relationships with adult relatives need to be a mutual effort.

I do have a friend who lives a long way off who drives me crazy being sad about how nobody 'makes the effort'. But i know if I don't reach out then it's only be birthdays and Christmas I'd get messages.

It is difficult to reach out to people if you can't leave your house though. I volunteer as a befriended, as well as working as a carer. I think alot of people think when "Doris" won't come to hobby anymore it's because she's busy. Not because actually getting out is too draining/ painful etc.

Well judging by some of the threads on here with how nasty some people are to their family or friends, they not only brought it on themselves, but they deserve to be alone.

There have been times in my life where I've felt lonely.

I'm generally sociable, outgoing and friendly. But I moved to be with dh a couple of years after uni and then fell pregnant with dd. I tried going to all the baby groups and meeting people but never found anyone I truly 'clicked' with. My uni friends were all at different life stages - they didn't have dc, I was on mat leave and my work colleagues were all lovely but all 30 years older than me, my family all live abroad.... So I was lonely, through no fault of my own.

It was only when we moved area again and dd started school that things changed for me.

It can be difficult to build up new friendships as an adult. Really really fucking tough. And I say that as someone who had no health obstacles, no caring responsibilities, no issues with being shy, etc. So yeah, I think yabu.

WFH really hasn't helped with loneliness either

It's rarely as simple as you say.

Depression, for example can make a person withdraw from social life - and as loneliness increases, so too can the depression.

Lonely people can both crave company and fear it.

Fear of rejection can make it difficult to join social events of any sort, let alone attempt to initiate them.

Loneliness itself is a stigma - lots of people seem to think there must be something wrong with a person that they are alone, so they are effectively shunned.

I'm pretty lonely most of the time, I'll admit it. I can look back to times in my life when I was popular with a wide social circle, but those times melted away, basically because life got in the way. I've lived in loads of different parts of the country, so keep being uprooted from friends I do make. Good friends have likewise moved around or even emigrated. I had an unhappy marriage for years with little opportunity to have a social life. I have no extended family whatsoever apart from my elderly mother, who I rarely see. My brother died about 3 years ago. I moved to a new town during lockdown. I'm probably suffering from low-grade depression right now, but I've seen a couple of groups I might try out and hopefully something will grow from there.

@LovelyYellowLabrador

Just been watching a channel 4 thing on YouTube about lonely people Most of them were like-no one calls…. They don’t see anyone all day They maybe have had a marriage where their partner was the only other person they spent time with so when threat person has passed away they have no one else

Just think people need to think more about what they are doing
They expect their adult children to call them all the time and visit
Yet don’t stop to pause to think have I been a good parent am I draining or overly negative

Or they could think right no one’s called me, who am I going to call
How am I going to make and keep some friends

Depends on their age. Many physically can't get out of their houses on their own to visit friends, or, they live too far so it's not easy to get to them, (and 'far' doesn't need to be that far to make it a struggle) or, all their friends have died.

I don't have a problem with loneliness now, but I am very quick to cut friendships that are drifting. I am one of those people who can count their true friends on one hand, and my husband is pretty much my best friend.

I do worry about feeling lonely in older age for this reason and therefore I am working on it.

That being said, I really don't think loneliness is a black and white issue. You know that saying you can feel lonely in a room full of people? Take mental health and other factors in to consideration and you've got some answers, a lot the time.

How am I going to make and keep some friends

This is the tricky bit.

There's been lots of things I've wanted to do but not been able to, clubs and activities I've wanted to join but haven't been able to because of working hours/location/then having a child and my DH working hours. Working hours also meant I've not got to know the other parents in DS school.

I'm introverted so find people exhausting at the best of times.

The only thing that maybe would have made a difference for attending things around interests is learning to drive and having a car, but I'd have struggled to pay for driving lessons and we definitely couldn't have afforded two cars, and DH needed the car for work.

The future does worry me, but I don't know what to do about it at the moment.

I worry about being lonely when I'm older, most of my friendships are from work/school so once those finish, there's not much left for me as it stands so I do need to make more effort to get involved in other things.

I know some older men who are desperately lonely now but totally ruined their relationships with children and relatives when they were younger due to their own selfish behaviour. And I see some men doing this atm, behaving selfishly and I won't be surprised if their DC go NC when they're older.

Oh yes, I know it’s a lot harder for some than others, esp if your depressed or shy
And I’m
Only speaking broadly

Just wish people would realise they need to invest time in people
Make friendships
Put the effort in to sustain friendships even when your busy with kids work life the dog etc
As it’s so important

3escpe I don’t mean people that have to cut themselves off form toxic family members that damage them
I think that’s very needed for a lot of people and hard and brave to do

But you can still do that while building relations with others

You sound nice.

Everyone I know is in a relationship. And naturally they prefer to spend time with their partner. People also spend time with their families, but I have no extended family, no siblings, no parents. It's just my children who are teenagers and understandably like to be with their mates. So, yep, I do often feel lonely and don't really know what to do about it. When I was younger I had a wide circle of friends and was super sociable. I still have friends from those days but they are coupled up and live very far away now. I became less sociable when I met my ex. He was not sociable and I found myself pandering to him and his moodiness. i see now that my world really shrank. Ironically he is in a new relationship (he left me for her) and isn't alone, whilst I am.

how do you meet people?

if your not working you dont meet anyone there.

if your poor you cant afford to sit in the pubs all day becoming a regular and I dont think people really grow friendships that way now days anyway as everyones on their phones.

if you have kids in school you dont really meet other mums as they all rush around to take the kids to school and then goto work, or if the kids 10+ they go to school and go home on their own anyway.

if your poor you cant afford to take a class, or if you have kids because the classes are normally 6pm or so when your at home looking after your kids.

if your old your not even meeting anyone in the post office queue on pension day anymore.

everything is designed for zero human interaction, all our banking and bills are online, you can even do all the shopping online, meeting up is discouraged, theres even a law now that more then 3 people hanging around in the street is classed as an illegal gathering and they can be ordered to disperse.

As ever, it's not simple

I am single and childfree

I used to see my friends as family

So many vanished over lockdown

I will be extremely careful where my effort goes in future. Money for help and care etc is my priority now.

Why are you so keen to make this point OP? Has something particular happened?

Velvet "theres even a law now that more then 3 people hanging around in the street is classed as an illegal gathering and they can be ordered to disperse."

Where is this please?