To feel hurt by MIL & others, helping Ss's DM

[Sittingatawindow]

MIL & GMIL are forever helping her, they say its because of SS, but they will help with things that wont even effect SS.

I get they can do what they want and its their time/money etc etc but...

I am also a mother of their S's child as well as the DP, it just feels like they are not being considerate of my feelings.

It does make me feel hurt, it's as if they care more about her.

IMO they of course should maintain a good relationship with the mother of their GS but they go above and beyond which she now relies on, and it would be nicer if they let her get on with her own life and problems and just care for gs.

Too much to ask?

Im sure I will get a tonne of abuse for this, but it honestly upsets me.

So your in laws help the mother of their grandson and you would like them to stop. 😂. I suggest you say 'could you please stop helping your grandson's mother?' I'm sure it'll sound reasonable and they will think it your business.

If he's being neglected then why hasn't her H or the grandparents reported this and taken the ss away.

Because it's bollocks. If my grandson was being neglected I'd be helping my son prepare a court case. I wouldn't be being best mates with the mother of my poor neglected grandson and leaving my dil and my other dgc out.

You know you’re unreasonable because you won’t even say what they’re meant to have done that is so wrong.

How are you more involved by the way? Because you’re with their son now?
She had a child with your partner at least 13 years ago, you’ve always known this. Why get jealous now?

I was always taught that it is ok to want something that someone else has(in this case, the same type of support) but it is not ok to wish the other person didn't have it.

And if your step-son is living in the appalling living conditions that you describe, why hasn't his father done something about getting him to live with him?

I don't get why anyone would want to be friends with someone who was damaging their dc or dgc. I literally don't. It sounds toxic rather than supportive.

If I was being friendly to keep in contact for my dgc I'd also be balancing that out and making the same efforts with my other dgc and their mum. Why wouldn't someone want to have a great relationship with the mother of their dgc and their ds wife as well as their other dgc.

Is this a communal life? Are you under the same roof, in the same compound with them?

If you don't live with your partner's ex, his mother or grandmother then how and where they spend their money, time , and who with, is absolutely NONE of your business.

She has a constant stream of men through the house, several children all with different dads. Leaves them home alone, generally neglects them, but will gladly accept help if it will benefit her. Spends money on herself meant for the poor kids.

So actually no Im not the nasty one.

I don't particularly like her, but that is solely down to how she behaves as a mother.

You seem to know an awful lot about her! How would you know all this?
And sorry but from this outburst you are looking like the nasty one. Your jealousy seems to be a bit out of control. You need to calm down. It’s not her fault your MIL likes her more than she likes you is it?

it's as if they care more about her.

Maybe they do. Just for a minute let's suppose she attracts MORE of MIL and GMIL's affection, loyalty support, tolerance and goodwill than you do.

Why is that?

Maybe she earned and deserves it in ways you either don't know about, or don't understand.

Perhaps if you paid closer attention, you might appreciate their reasons better.

You sound like a right piece of work and just like my ex's new wife. She spat her dummy out when my ex in-laws refused to stop having a close relationship with me after me and their son divorced. As it turned out, it was a good job they didn't because as they got older their useless children were too busy to help them in any way so me and my children stepped up. It came as a shock to them when the house was left to my adult children rather than them.
In what way is your MIL continuing a relationship with the mother of her grandchildren affecting you adversely?

I say this in a peaceful way but you have a strange territorial way of looking at family bonds.

I know you are with your DP. But in the eyes of the mother in law and grand mother in law you are another mother in the family. So is you SS mother. If fact she was the first one.

Why would they prioritise you over her? Or her over you?
In their eyes you are both equally important.

If I were in this situation as a grandparent or great grandparent I'd say my relationship with SS mother is of great importance as it helps with the bonds of the family.

They should always be going above and beyond, that's what family does.

Welcome their involvement with gladness. Smile and say positive things** if they mention your SS mother. After all, your children are half siblings together, this blood tie connects you.

You need to be the one to gently explain to your DP how important their continued involvement with SS life is. These bonds will help ensure he is supported within his extended family and his mental health is nurtured.

Leaves them home alone, generally neglects them, but will gladly accept help if it will benefit her.

So you think she’s a bad, neglectful parent but think it’s unfair that your MIL is helping her so much?

It can’t be both so which one is it?

Is she a negligent parent who needs help?
If so why does DH not have full custody?

Or is she a good parent who doesn’t need help?

@SnowWhitesSM

If he's being neglected then why hasn't her H or the grandparents reported this and taken the ss away.

Because it's bollocks. If my grandson was being neglected I'd be helping my son prepare a court case. I wouldn't be being best mates with the mother of my poor neglected grandson and leaving my dil and my other dgc out.

It may be because they are keeping notes that they are being so close.

My parents were neglectful and outright abusive. Maternal grandparents had constant arguments with my parents - result was they were cut off.
Aunts and uncles had constant arguments and reported to SS constantly - result was they were cut off.
Friends of my parents - ditto

Paternal grandparents - were quiet, unopinionated, helpful and just quietly around as often as possible.
Result was that when things crossed a line they took us and told my parents to go to the police/SS to get us back. They had enough evidence of our treatment that they had the support of schools, the social worker and ultimately were able to keep us safe.

Low level neglect can take many incidents to even get SS interested.

There’s also nothing to say that the OP and her child are being left out. Just that they are going “above and beyond” for the other GC.

This says a lot about you. Your jealous, insecure, bitter and childish and they can probably see this. Maybe they’ve stepped away from you for a reason?

I think they sound lovely tbh!

@beautifullymad

I say this in a peaceful way but you have a strange territorial way of looking at family bonds.

I know you are with your DP. But in the eyes of the mother in law and grand mother in law you are another mother in the family. So is you SS mother. If fact she was the first one.

Why would they prioritise you over her? Or her over you?
In their eyes you are both equally important.

If I were in this situation as a grandparent or great grandparent I'd say my relationship with SS mother is of great importance as it helps with the bonds of the family.

They should always be going above and beyond, that's what family does.

Welcome their involvement with gladness. Smile and say positive things** if they mention your SS mother. After all, your children are half siblings together, this blood tie connects you.

You need to be the one to gently explain to your DP how important their continued involvement with SS life is. These bonds will help ensure he is supported within his extended family and his mental health is nurtured.

This. It is not a ‘her or you’ scenario. Your child’s grandmother has a lovely relationship with the mother of your child’s half sibling. Be glad if that. It is teaching a positive lesson to your child about the importance of extended family. You can only benefit from that as your child becomes an adult and gets a family of their own.

I'm grandmother to a toddler. So presumably at the same stage that your MIL was at when her DGS's parents split up.

I would move heaven and earth to continue to be in my DGD's life if this happened to her parents, particularly if I was worried about her being neglected. In that case, if it meant that I had to swallow my feelings about their resident parent, I'd do it. Because I'd need to stay on the right side of them to continue to be part of my DGD's life and support her.

For those saying that the MIL should be making her son go to court for residency - well parents of adults are contantly being told to stay out of their kids' lives and mind their own business on here. And for all we know she might have tried and failed.

@Sittingatawindow

They were together all of a year! Hardly a huge bond formed, that being said SS is a teen.

We have been together over 5 years

You gave it all away right there.

MIL and GMIL have a far longer relationship with SS and his mother.

All four of them have had close ties for at least 14 years. They've been getting to know each other all that time. They were not about to give that up or dilute it when you came on the scene 5 years ago.

Of course they have a longer deeper relationship together, than any of them have with you. How could it be otherwise?

@Sittingatawindow

For the record, I don't need/want help from them, I am perfectly capable to standing on my own two feet, unlike the victim ex

So by your own assessment, the person you call "victim Ex" needs MORE of their support than you do. Always has done. And they've always supplied it.

Since you're so sturdily independent, how does her need/their support detract anything from you? You don't need or want it.

What is it they do?

My Mil helped my DH's exW when their DC were younger. It was all for the DC, even if indirectly. I respected her for it.

I bet they stepped up to maintain a relationship with their GS because your useless DP didn't

@Sittingatawindow - Ewing jealous and bitter is like taking poison yourself, and expecting the other person to die - the only person you are hurting is yourself.

Like many others on here, I cannot understand how you can look at the situation your stepson is in (the neglect etc you yourself described), and can say that the involved, caring adults in his life should do less! You do realise that, if your MIL and GMIL were doing less for him, he would be even more neglected - so you are saying you would be happy for his life to be worse!!

I would also like to know why your dp is leaving his son in such bad circumstances - having, as a PP said, been with this woman for a year, knocked her up and then left her with a baby to raise.

Ohhh rats - I should have proof read before posting.

What I meant to say, @Sittingatawindow, was that being jealous is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Honestly it's bullshit.

My amazing paternal grandparents stepped up massively for my and my siblings. I lived with them for a while in my teens, they took my brother to rugby training and matches x2 a week. Had us all round for dinner 1x a week. Babysat and paid for things like school uniform ect - even though my mum had an affair with my dad's best mate and kicked him out. My grandparents are really amazing.

You know, they were/are (my grandad is now dead) also amazing grandparents to my cousin who's parents were stable. The support they gave to give me and my siblings witb adding some stability in our very chaotic lives did not take away from my cousin. They also picked him up from school once a week, babysat for his parents so they could go away for long weekends, paid for his uniform as they were paying for ours (even though his parents didn't need that financial support they did that so it was fair). They didn't like football so didn't see his football matches but they contributed the same amount as what they did for my brothers rugby and went to see his plays instead of his matches.

And you know what - my lovely nan in her old age gets a ton of company and support. Me, my brother and my cousin see her loads. She doesn't go a day without seeing one of us. She's disabled now and can't drive or a do a lot of housework. We work it out between us all to do her shopping, walk her dog and spend loads of time between us all with her.

What you put out you will receive. There isn't an excuse imo to not be fair to everyone. If OP is feeling left out then maybe she and her dc are actually being left out.

@Santahasjoinedww

Sadly the quicker you accept life is unfair the better for you. My ils did absolutely nothing for me /dh /our dc. Sil +her dc however a very different story. I backed away and took my dc with me x

Same

ILs blatantly prefer SILs children, they barely bother with ours. They even regularly take Sils kids on holiday, they have never taken ours. Such blatant favouritism is awful, but the way I see it, its the ILs who are missing out because now my kids aren't remotely interested in them, yet have a wonderful close relationship with my parents.

If the ex is as bad as you say, they probably want to do as much as they can for the sake of the child. They're also known her for so much longer and might not share your opinions of her. You say you don't need their help, but you also want them to do more? You need to communicate with them because they're not telepathic.

[quote Sittingatawindow]@GreenTeaMom Yes I am because she is.

She has a constant stream of men through the house, several children all with different dads. Leaves them home alone, generally neglects them, but will gladly accept help if it will benefit her. Spends money on herself meant for the poor kids.

So actually no Im not the nasty one.

I don't particularly like her, but that is solely down to how she behaves as a mother. [/quote]
You have just answered in your post as to why they help her out so much - for the kids and guessing not just bio grandchild as kids are living in a chaotic environment.

How could you begrudge them trying to make a child's life better with a mother that is dysfunctional. Have you though lots of responsibility might be falling on the eldest child's shoulders (assuming this is is your step child) and mil and gmil are trying to help any way they can