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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt by MIL & others, helping Ss's DM

253 replies

Sittingatawindow · 31/01/2022 10:23

MIL & GMIL are forever helping her, they say its because of SS, but they will help with things that wont even effect SS.

I get they can do what they want and its their time/money etc etc but...

I am also a mother of their S's child as well as the DP, it just feels like they are not being considerate of my feelings.

It does make me feel hurt, it's as if they care more about her.

IMO they of course should maintain a good relationship with the mother of their GS but they go above and beyond which she now relies on, and it would be nicer if they let her get on with her own life and problems and just care for gs.

Too much to ask?

Im sure I will get a tonne of abuse for this, but it honestly upsets me.

OP posts:
Username536448227 · 31/01/2022 13:24

I think people are being harsh. I don't think anyone can say how they would feel in this situation unless they've been in it. Your feelings are valid.

My friend has been through similar. Been with her husband 12 years and he has a teen son with an ex girlfriend. Friends mil doesn't really bother with her or even her own son but is weirdly close to his sons ex girlfriend despite that there was barely any relationship at the time (more like a fling) and my friend stepson pretty much lives with them and not his mum!

I didn't carry on any form of relationship with my oldest sons dads mum when we split up. Don't get me wrong, we would still give each other the time of day if we bumped into each other, no hard feelings. But I just want minimal contact with them to be honest.

QuirkyTurtle · 31/01/2022 13:24

Why not just tell them they don’t need to run everything past you and save them the stress of keeping everyone sweet constantly?

@Thoosa - because it's not stressful for them. I never asked them to do it. It's not stressful for me to run things by my stepson's mother about our plans for the weekend, even though I don't have to. And it's not stressful for her to do the same for me. In fact I think it would be a lot more stressful for everyone if we weren't as open and honest with each other.

It works for us, so why would we want to change anything?

ADisgruntledPelican · 31/01/2022 13:25

You sound jealous and that's something you need to deal with it. You need to address your feelings, so stop focusing on other people's behaviour.
If the ex needs support then it's understandable that they're providing it because obviously your DP hasn't stepped up to provide the support his DS needs.
It may be unusual for an ex MIL to be so involved but try to see it as a positive for your SS rather than a competition between you and your DP's ex.

Natty13 · 31/01/2022 13:26

She cpan be a crap mum and total cow for all we know, you are still being a dick. The 2 aren't mutually exclusive.

Why do you care what she or your ILs do when it doesn't affect you in any way. Just live your life. Maybe if your life was more interesting you wouldn't have time to worry what they are all up to.

DiddyHeck · 31/01/2022 13:28

[quote QuirkyTurtle]@SleepingStandingUp - OK I see what you mean! I can't really recall when they've ASKED me for permission in recent history but yes I did write that so I see why you thought that. That's my mistake. This is really showing me how easy it is to jump to conclusions based on 1 paragraph posts without knowing anything else about that person's life.

And @DiddyHeck, it's 2022, I am as much a stepmother as anyone who is married. My stepson's mother refers to me as stepmother. She is not ever planning to marry her partner, but we all refer to him as stepdad. I feel like you are nitpicking and choosing the things to focus on while ignoring the things you don't want to comment on. That's fine.[/quote]
I'm not nit picking at all and the year has nothing to do with anything. The fact is this thread is about a stepmother and inlaws although I appreciate you said you hadn't read it before you jumped in. What you and your 'SO's family choose to refer to each other as is up to you all but it doesn't change facts.

Autumndays123 · 31/01/2022 13:28

I can't believe OP and her DH (child's father) genuinely believe his son is being neglected and not fared for properly and their response is to sulk because his grandparents and trying to give him and the mother as much support as possible?

OP, either you're lying about the neglect in order to bring us over to your side, or quite frankly, your DH is a terrible father and I would be more concerned about that tbh

tkwal · 31/01/2022 13:29

They seem like decent people and doing their best to do the right thing. I don't want to bash you but at the very least you seem to be very insecure and bit resentful. Ask yourself this, is their kindness taking anything away from you?If so what ?Why are you so demanding of their loyalty ? Did you not have a life or other relationships before you met DP ? Do you realise that this other child is their blood and that there is obviously a bond there ? Have you swept everyone from your past out of your life ? . If you believe in Karma you have a rough time ahead of you if you don't have a serious word with yourself

PearPickingPorky · 31/01/2022 13:30

@Sittingatawindow

For the record, I don't need/want help from them, I am perfectly capable to standing on my own two feet, unlike the victim ex
So what is it you want here then?

You don't need or want any help. She clearly does need help, as you made very clear in your next post. So you want your in-laws to not help her so that she can sink and your step child can suffer more? Just on principle?

wanttomarryamillionaire · 31/01/2022 13:32

I had this in my last relationship! My ss aunt and grandmother were forever stepping in and doing thing for ss because his dm was useless. She wouldn't work so wouldn't be able to buy her ds nice things or take him anywhere. They were fully aware of her spending all her benefits on weed and alcohol yet instead of encouraging her to sort herself out for her child they simply just threw money at the problem. They didn't want to do anything useful but used money to lessen their guilt at leaving the child in that situation. My ex was just as bad and its one of the reasons he is an ex.

PinkiOcelot · 31/01/2022 13:33

@Sittingatawindow

For the record, I don't need/want help from them, I am perfectly capable to standing on my own two feet, unlike the victim ex
Miaow!!!
NursieBernard · 31/01/2022 13:35

Can I ask how them helping her/SS impacts on you?

MzHz · 31/01/2022 13:36

[quote Sittingatawindow]@GreenTeaMom Yes I am because she is.

She has a constant stream of men through the house, several children all with different dads. Leaves them home alone, generally neglects them, but will gladly accept help if it will benefit her. Spends money on herself meant for the poor kids.

So actually no Im not the nasty one.

I don't particularly like her, but that is solely down to how she behaves as a mother. [/quote]
Maybe this is the IL way of keeping an eye on how things are for dss.

They’re more than able to deal with cheeky fuckery if it gets to that, perhaps they think it’s a better way of protecting DSS than just sitting on hands, or hoiking bosoms and judging from afar.

I wouldn’t be too pissed off with them, I think it makes sense somehow

JugglingJanuary · 31/01/2022 13:40

@Dibbydoos

They're over compensating, and it will all end up difficult as they eventually feel like tgeyre being taken advantage of.

Your DP needs to gently assert himself to manage what is becoming over reliance.

You are not being unreasonable imo.

What????

At least 5 years in they still seem happy with the relationship the have with the OP's Dp's Dm & Dsis.

He does NIT need to 'assert himself'! He needs to keep his nose out of relationships his DM & Dsis have with other adults.

She IS being utterly unreasonable thinking it's up to her to determining other peoples relationships. None of her bloody business.

Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 31/01/2022 13:43

You say SS is neglected. Your MIL and GMIL are stepping in to prevent this. How are you so ungrateful when their actions can only benefit your husband’s child?

BungleandGeorge · 31/01/2022 13:48

Your oh left the relationship, His family don’t have an obligation to also leave the relationship. They are allowed to have whatever friends they like. If they’re not doing enough for you that’s another matter, but you say you don’t want help?

St0rmTr00per · 31/01/2022 13:48

She has a constant stream of men through the house, several children all with different dads. Leaves them home alone, generally neglects them, but will gladly accept help if it will benefit her. Spends money on herself meant for the poor kids.

then i would say she is in need of their help and its kind of them to give it

Namast3 · 31/01/2022 13:49

You can't put your cast iron claim onto your husbands family just because you're his current wife. You sound really insecure.

7eleven · 31/01/2022 13:55

Maybe they like her. Maybe they don’t like you very much.

anon12345678901 · 31/01/2022 13:56

@JustLyra

She has a constant stream of men through the house, several children all with different dads. Leaves them home alone, generally neglects them, but will gladly accept help if it will benefit her. Spends money on herself meant for the poor kids.

So actually no Im not the nasty one.

Well, yes you are.

If what you’ve said is remotely accurate then your step son is being neglected by his mother.

Rather than focussing on that you’re in a massive huff and think that two of the caring adults in his life should do less things to make his life better.

That’s a beyond shitty attitude.

👏🏼

OP you sound like you need to grow up.

7eleven · 31/01/2022 13:56

Don’t really know why you think what other people do is any of your business.

SnowWhitesSM · 31/01/2022 13:56

Of course the OP sounds jealous. I think anyone in her situation would be. Being a step mum is already isolating enough, let alone feeling like you and your dc aren't included with the in laws too.

maddy68 · 31/01/2022 13:57

You're just insecure. She was (and always will be) part of their family.

sadpapercourtesan · 31/01/2022 13:58

@7eleven

Maybe they like her. Maybe they don’t like you very much.
This. Particularly as you seem to be the sort of person who expects to control not only her husband's relationships, but those of his extended family as well Shock

Just who do you think you are? It's absolutely none of your business how much your husband's family see of their grandchild's mother. They're quite obviously friends. You'll have to learn to deal with it. Do some reading about healthy boundaries, so that you don't embarrass yourself trying to control the relationships of other adults again.

JustLyra · 31/01/2022 13:59

@SnowWhitesSM

Of course the OP sounds jealous. I think anyone in her situation would be. Being a step mum is already isolating enough, let alone feeling like you and your dc aren't included with the in laws too.
You think most normal peoples reaction to their step son being neglected would be jealousy of their in laws doing “too much” to help?

Really?

Because I don’t think that anyone normal would remotely have that reaction.

semideponent · 31/01/2022 14:01

Maybe they have a good relationship on their own account with her, as well as caring for your SS?

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