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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt by MIL & others, helping Ss's DM

253 replies

Sittingatawindow · 31/01/2022 10:23

MIL & GMIL are forever helping her, they say its because of SS, but they will help with things that wont even effect SS.

I get they can do what they want and its their time/money etc etc but...

I am also a mother of their S's child as well as the DP, it just feels like they are not being considerate of my feelings.

It does make me feel hurt, it's as if they care more about her.

IMO they of course should maintain a good relationship with the mother of their GS but they go above and beyond which she now relies on, and it would be nicer if they let her get on with her own life and problems and just care for gs.

Too much to ask?

Im sure I will get a tonne of abuse for this, but it honestly upsets me.

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 31/01/2022 12:52

She has a constant stream of men through the house, several children all with different dads. Leaves them home alone, generally neglects them, but will gladly accept help if it will benefit her. Spends money on herself meant for the poor kids.

Keep going, OP. I think we need even more to know how much we are supposed to hate her. Does she also put her bins out too early and have a security light that shines in to someone’s bedroom?

QuirkyTurtle · 31/01/2022 12:54

@SleepingStandingUp

That's so many assumptions that you're making! They don't call and ask me, they post in our shared WhatsApp group (that my SO is a part of): "Stepson's Mum has asked this, we are planning to do this."

I have a great relationship with both my parents-in-law and my stepson's mum. In fact she frequently tells everyone how lucky she feels to have me as her son's stepmum, and I feel the same about her. No princesses involved here. Not sure why this is a problem if everyone is on the same page.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 31/01/2022 12:54

@Sittingatawindow
Just out of interest you say your partner was only with her for a year so he's one of them stream of men then that appeared fathered a child with her and left quite quickly?

Mmm

The ex and her child were around long before you.

You have no place to dictate what anyone does for anyone else.

She probably doesn't particularly like you but nobody is expected to like anyones ex are they?

KurtWilde · 31/01/2022 12:56

@QuirkyTurtle you are joking Shock

They message and ask you if it's ok if they help their grandchild's mother?? Good lord.

Ploppy1322 · 31/01/2022 12:58

It's none of your business, your jealousy is not a good look, they're under no obligations to limit their interaction with a loved friend/family member to pander to you 🤣🤣🤣

babyjellyfish · 31/01/2022 13:01

I'm quite sure that if my husband and I were to split up, my MIL and I would continue to be part of each other's lives. We don't just pretend to care about each other because of my relationship to her son.

If my husband and I had separated and she and I continued to have a good relationship, I think we would both take a very dim view of anyone trying to stop it.

rainrainraincamedowndowndown · 31/01/2022 13:03

I think it's wonderful they care about your dss. Your ds has both parents with them. Dss don't.
If it's true that ex isn't a great parents as you describe, they need that involvement even more than your children.

ChiefAdjusterOfRubensShorts · 31/01/2022 13:06

Jealousy is a horrible emotion OP.

They have done absolutely nothing wrong, perhaps a good long look at yourself would be a good starting point.

DiddyHeck · 31/01/2022 13:07

@SleepingStandingUp

If my stepson's mother asks them for any favours, they will always text me first to let me know, and if it's something bigger, to ask if it's OK with me. Hang on. So if the mother of their grandchild asks for a favour they don't use their own initiative, they don't even ask their son, but they call and ask the current wife if they're permitted to help their own grandchild?

I'd assume from this you're a bloody nightmare and they're worried you'll stop them seeing their other grandkids / son if the princess is upset

but they call and ask the current wife if they're permitted to help their own grandchild?

He's being referred to as 'SO', so they're not married and Quirky isn't even the step-mother! Still they feel as though they need to ask her permission Confused

Drinkingallthewine · 31/01/2022 13:07

it depends on whether they are doing things for the betterment of the stepson and/or his siblings to be honest. There's some family members I can't abide but I remain civil and helpful because the welfare of their children are what matters most.

TheWaterNokk · 31/01/2022 13:07

I can’t believe that any man is worth running the gauntlet of step parent/blended family politics.

It all sounds so exhausting.

aprilanne · 31/01/2022 13:07

I read the whole post and agree you are being nasty and the bit about kids with different dads was just nasty you partner has kids by different mothers so how does he not get slagged off why is it just us women .

Autumndays123 · 31/01/2022 13:08

Can't see OP coming back. I think she was hoping this was going to be a pile on the ex and she could gleefully bask in us all slagging the ex off and saying how horrible she is and how much better the OP is

My thoughts:

  1. If she truly is a terrible and neglectful mother, I'm assuming there is currently a court case pending for your DH to have full custody?
  2. you sound truly horrid
  3. from the little glimpse of yourself you've shown here, it's highly likely that your in laws do prefer the ex. That is unfortunate but perhaps some self-reflection is needed to try and establish why they are more interested in a relationship with her than you.
SleepingStandingUp · 31/01/2022 13:08

They don't call and ask me, they post in our shared WhatsApp group (that my SO is a part of): "Stepson's Mum has asked this, we are planning to do this."
You literly wrote they will always text me first to let me know, and if it's something bigger, to ask if it's OK with me. People are judging your situation based on your account of it.

me4real · 31/01/2022 13:09

for the record, I don't need/want help from them, I am perfectly capable to standing on my own two feet, unlike the victim ex

Well then, she needs the help and you don't. So you haven't missed out on anything.

She has a constant stream of men through the house, several children all with different dads. Leaves them home alone, generally neglects them, but will gladly accept help if it will benefit her. Spends money on herself meant for the poor kids.

So? Whether she's a good mum/person (bit judgemental and misogynistic to judge a woman based on whether her relationships have happened to work out) it isn't relevant to whether people give her help. If anything, you've just demonstrated that she needs it or it helps her and the kids.

QuirkyTurtle · 31/01/2022 13:13

@SleepingStandingUp - OK I see what you mean! I can't really recall when they've ASKED me for permission in recent history but yes I did write that so I see why you thought that. That's my mistake. This is really showing me how easy it is to jump to conclusions based on 1 paragraph posts without knowing anything else about that person's life.

And @DiddyHeck, it's 2022, I am as much a stepmother as anyone who is married. My stepson's mother refers to me as stepmother. She is not ever planning to marry her partner, but we all refer to him as stepdad. I feel like you are nitpicking and choosing the things to focus on while ignoring the things you don't want to comment on. That's fine.

MajorCarolDanvers · 31/01/2022 13:15

Why is your DP leaving a child with a mother who is leaving him home alone and neglecting him?

What is he doing about this?

T00Ts · 31/01/2022 13:16

I’m sorry, can someone please explain who is who in this thread, I’m confused by all the shorthands.

Where does the very angry OP sit? Who is the women she’s jealous of? Confused

JustLyra · 31/01/2022 13:18

[quote QuirkyTurtle]@JustLyra to be honest I didn't read the full thread! If my stepson was being neglected then of course I would expect them to help but again they would probably let me know? In any case, that would never happen because it would be SO and I who stepped in to help so my PIL didn't have to!

Apologies if I misread or misunderstood something.[/quote]
It’s still ridiculous imo that they would feel the need to tell you, unless it was absolutely relevant, but in this case reading all of the OPs posts would help given she’s claiming the mother neglects the SS.

Which obviously makes her huffing about his Gran and Great-Gran stepping in “too much” absolute nonsense

TolkiensFallow · 31/01/2022 13:19

I don’t really understand what it’s got to do with you OP?

Your in laws are entitled to have relationships with whoever they like. It’s not up to you.

ESGdance · 31/01/2022 13:19

[quote Sittingatawindow]@GreenTeaMom Yes I am because she is.

She has a constant stream of men through the house, several children all with different dads. Leaves them home alone, generally neglects them, but will gladly accept help if it will benefit her. Spends money on herself meant for the poor kids.

So actually no Im not the nasty one.

I don't particularly like her, but that is solely down to how she behaves as a mother. [/quote]
Your DH then needs to step up and do much more for his DS if he is exposed to such a neglectful environment.

RedToothBrush · 31/01/2022 13:20

DP agrees they do far too much

If he thinks that, he should be doing something about it.
If he's saying that purely to pay lipservice to you whilst being happy with the situation, you've got bigger problems

Ultimately its for him to do something about it, or for you to assess whether you can tolerate the situation indefinitely. If you can't then you've got a decision to make.

Its not your fight to have with your in-laws.

Thoosa · 31/01/2022 13:21

[quote KurtWilde]@QuirkyTurtle you are joking Shock

They message and ask you if it's ok if they help their grandchild's mother?? Good lord. [/quote]
That does have a tiptoeing on eggshells kind of vibe.

Why not just tell them they don’t need to run everything past you and save them the stress of keeping everyone sweet constantly?

JustLyra · 31/01/2022 13:21

@Glitterygreen

I think people are being harsh. It is very hard to be in a relationship with an ex in the picture, even via the in-laws. It is genuinely tough and I don't think most would like it.

OP is entitled to have feelings about it. She is not going to her MIL and demanding that she doesn't speak to ex any more. She is just sharing her own feelings.

You think people are being harsh pointing out to an adult that huffing about help that is given, directly or indirectly, to her neglected (her words) step-son is ridiculous?

Why so?

I mean people have been quite mild imo by sticking to focussing on the OP’s gripe and not focussing on asking why her husband isn’t doing the helping out of his neglected child imo

FlibbertyGiblets · 31/01/2022 13:22

I cant find where the OP has explained why her DP hasn't arranged that his child resides with him, what with the mother neglecting the child and her other children?

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