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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband didn’t mention he is doing yoga or having massages. AIBU?

297 replies

Tiffany80s · 30/01/2022 18:17

I went to turn off my husband’s phone alarm this morning and saw a message from a number that didn’t have a name saved and the message had been saved in WhatsApp under “archived” messages. The profile pic was a woman- the message said something about not worrying about missing a few weeks and that she was going to “work him hard next time”. I asked him what this was about and he said he took up yoga to help with back ache (from work). I asked him why he didn’t tell me and he said he thought I would make a joke of it and tease him. Months ago he mentioned my brother in law doing yoga and I actually told him I thought it was great he was doing it. I just had a really bad feeling about it, my instincts told me something wasn’t right. I asked him to show the payments for this. When he showed me the payment, I saw another regular series of payments to another woman. When I noticed the first payment , I asked him who that was, and he said he didn’t know anything about it. When I scrolled further there were 6 more payments, weekly. His face fell and I asked him who he had made the payments to. This time he said he had been going for sports massages. I can’t understand why he would not mention this to me. You know something along the lines of “ my backs been hurting but I went for a massage today and I feel so much better”. My husband insists it is all above board. The line of work he is in it is common to see chiropractors for back aches etc. I can’t help feeling there is more to this. AIBU?

OP posts:
Anotheronestatisticssuck · 31/01/2022 06:24

Definitely doesn't sound good :( but either way, even if it is the truth, you need to find out for your own peace of mind

booplefloof · 31/01/2022 06:55

Another one to say follow your gut reaction

cookiemonster2468 · 31/01/2022 07:01

Why were you looking at his archived WhatsApp messages when you just went to turn off his phone alarm? Hmm

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 31/01/2022 07:07

The only reason anybody lies is becouse they don’t want you to know the truth.

Sofiegiraffe · 31/01/2022 07:11

I went to turn off my husband’s phone alarm this morning and saw a message from a number that didn’t have a name saved and the message had been saved in WhatsApp under “archived” messages.

This first line was enough for me - alarm bells instantly. Why hide messages in archived and leave the sender nameless, if you're just innocently having sports massages?!🤔

MrsBaublesDylan · 31/01/2022 07:12

@cookiemonster2468

Why were you looking at his archived WhatsApp messages when you just went to turn off his phone alarm? Hmm
I think is largely irrelevant in the circumstances.
littleburn · 31/01/2022 07:17

Not sure if this has been mentioned already OP, but if you save the phone number to your contacts and then open it on What's App you may be able to see a profile picture.

CelestiaNoctis · 31/01/2022 07:20

"Both things sound fab, why don't I join you for a yoga and massage session, could be fun?"

trumpisagit · 31/01/2022 07:26

How much were the individual payments OP?

MsDogLady · 31/01/2022 07:28

OP, there is too much secrecy, blame shifting, and lying for this to be innocent.

The ‘yoga’ and ‘sports massage’ are a cover. It was ludicrous for H to blame the possibility of your teasing him for being secretive when you had already discussed DB doing yoga and encouraged H to try it. Then he blatantly denied all knowledge of the massage payment until you noticed the other 5. His expression screamed shame.

You fear digging for the truth, but you must. Knowledge is power, and sweeping this would have a corrosive effect on your well-being, marriage and family. Also, there is a real possibility that H has put your health at risk.

In your shoes, I would absolutely follow @exsexworker’s advice.

joydivisionovengloves71 · 31/01/2022 07:36

@Guacamole001

I think you all have a very overactive imagination. Those who think it is sexwork. £145 bank transfer makes it sound a holistic service of some kind.

A yoga teacher could easily say they would work him harder next time. If they are one on one or in a small group.

Exactly, and a sports massager certainly would. Some posters must lead such dull lives. I would just say you're very keen on the yoga too.
Pazuzu · 31/01/2022 07:37

Much as I dislike joining in the pile on, this sounds all manner of wrong.

I have sport massages. I tell my wife when I'm having them. They're around £40 a session. So £145 isn't going far.

Whereas that does seem to be a going rate for escorts (yes, I've just Googled it. Shudder.)

If you've got nothing to hide, why hide it?

Ddot · 31/01/2022 07:38

Call and speak to her, him. Ask if you can book them. Dont rush to the worst thought in your head, could be something weird YES! But let's home not.

Guacamole001 · 31/01/2022 07:42

£145 is an odd fee for an escort. Dominatrixes can charge a lot more but average one hour £120 escort or as much as £200 for more expensive areas.

Also mostly paid in cash. Rarely a bank transfer.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/01/2022 07:44

Um... really sorry. But your husband isn't doing yoga.

Guavaf1sh · 31/01/2022 07:45

This is so clearly not what he claims it is!

TabithaTittlemouse · 31/01/2022 07:51

Your brother gave him the perfect alibi without even meaning to.

It’s a bizarre thing to hide.

tintodeverano2 · 31/01/2022 07:55

Not suspicious that he's having sports massages if it's common in his line of work, same with the yoga

Incredibly suspicious that he didn't tell you about it, and his reaction since you found out. Doesn't bode well for me...

ChangingLife · 31/01/2022 08:05

What doesn’t work for me is the comment ‘I’ll work you hard next time’.

I have NEVER hear any yoga teacher making that sort of comment before. Actually I’ve always been told the opposite…. Yoga is supposed to be gentle and going back within, not working hard etc….

disco82 · 31/01/2022 08:16

It's odd the numbers don't show anything when you've searched online? How did he find them then? All instructors and masseurs have a web page - you can ask him to show you their page to check it's legit? Or ask where is it he goes - no way would that not be advertised online, so you can search.

Eviethyme · 31/01/2022 08:33

£145 for lessons? my local yoga group at my gym is £5 a session

PegLegAntoine · 31/01/2022 08:33

It would be good if you can call the number… but also get a male friend or relative to call. A difference in response will tell you a lot.

catsharingmychair · 31/01/2022 08:34

Sorry I'm with everyone else - this sounds very sadly, extremely dodgy. I think I'd actually ask him to show me the yoga stretches they have 'been doing' in the yoga class. Not giving him any time to You Tube some obviously.

What does this mean for you and your future?

velvet24 · 31/01/2022 08:36

Sorry that sounds really suspicious bu his behaviour and hiding it, if all above board he could have just said he was going to yoga or having sports massages........id be doing my own detective work on this one ....

Guacamole001 · 31/01/2022 08:40

Do number withheld and just ring up and ask if they do yoga lessons. If not what do they do. You can always play dumb and say you don't know if you have the right number. If you have nobody male to call for you.