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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband didn’t mention he is doing yoga or having massages. AIBU?

297 replies

Tiffany80s · 30/01/2022 18:17

I went to turn off my husband’s phone alarm this morning and saw a message from a number that didn’t have a name saved and the message had been saved in WhatsApp under “archived” messages. The profile pic was a woman- the message said something about not worrying about missing a few weeks and that she was going to “work him hard next time”. I asked him what this was about and he said he took up yoga to help with back ache (from work). I asked him why he didn’t tell me and he said he thought I would make a joke of it and tease him. Months ago he mentioned my brother in law doing yoga and I actually told him I thought it was great he was doing it. I just had a really bad feeling about it, my instincts told me something wasn’t right. I asked him to show the payments for this. When he showed me the payment, I saw another regular series of payments to another woman. When I noticed the first payment , I asked him who that was, and he said he didn’t know anything about it. When I scrolled further there were 6 more payments, weekly. His face fell and I asked him who he had made the payments to. This time he said he had been going for sports massages. I can’t understand why he would not mention this to me. You know something along the lines of “ my backs been hurting but I went for a massage today and I feel so much better”. My husband insists it is all above board. The line of work he is in it is common to see chiropractors for back aches etc. I can’t help feeling there is more to this. AIBU?

OP posts:
Planetzero · 31/01/2022 10:59

A new message in an archived thread shows up doesn’t it?

CaveWoman1 · 31/01/2022 11:00

He’s lying through his teeth. Sorry

IwishICouldTurnBackTime · 31/01/2022 11:09

If you've rumbled something suspicious he will probably stop going, but if it's innocent, then he may carry on, so that might give you your answer, but definitely odd that he hadn't mentioned it to you before!

HaveringWavering · 31/01/2022 11:21

Does he have a lot of free time to be doing these things (either legitimate or not?). When he goes out, where do you think he is going?

Only if you think he is going to work then he is either skiving work, which is bad, or he’s lying to you about overtime.

iamnlhfss · 31/01/2022 11:23

It's the secrecy which really gives it away.
I just can't understand if he was genuinely having massages and doing yoga to ease back ache caused by work, why wouldn't he mention to his wife?
Surely it would come up in conversation. He'd be taking about backache at home and saying Fred from work went to so and so for a massage, maybe I could do that.
Or things like, I'll be home a bit later this evening because I'm going to have a massage after work. All open and honest.
Ditto the yoga - when the OP talked about her BIL doing it for a backache and how it was helping, if the husband thought it was a good idea surely he'd have just said, oh yes, I'll look into that, maybe help me.
Then there'd be a follow up conversation a couple of weeks later - I've booked a yoga course for Tuesdays straight after work.

There's no way the first you would hear about genuine yoga and massages was after you'd found messages from a random woman on his phone.

Icouldabeenalawyer · 31/01/2022 11:27

I hope you're OK.
I think you need to dig and get the truth, it's what you deserve...and he's not giving you that. 💐

Susurrar · 31/01/2022 11:39

I’d be suspicious. But according the to MN standards, my relationship is very toxic - most of the time we know what the other one is doing, so if he had any appointment after work, he’d say something like “I’m going to be home later because I’m doing XYZ”. And I’d think nothing of it.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that for me personally it would be an obvious massive concern for me.
Does your husband have a lot of free time when you’re at work/busy doing other things?
The secretary would really concern me. Why would anyone be keeping massages and yoga quiet?

GatoradeMeBitch · 31/01/2022 11:43

It's yoga, not high impact aerobics, where does the "working you hard" bit come in? When I went to yoga it was about relaxation, stretching, deep breathing, balance, but peaceful. "Work you hard" doesn't really seem to fit with that image.

Thesameol · 31/01/2022 11:44

'Working you hard' sounds more like a personal trainer to me!

ThirdElephant · 31/01/2022 11:53

Ask to join to the group yoga session?

IntermittentParps · 31/01/2022 11:54

@GatoradeMeBitch

It's yoga, not high impact aerobics, where does the "working you hard" bit come in? When I went to yoga it was about relaxation, stretching, deep breathing, balance, but peaceful. "Work you hard" doesn't really seem to fit with that image.
Yoga can absolutely be hard work and aerobic (astanga, rocket or hot/Bikram, for example).
girlmom21 · 31/01/2022 11:59

@Thesameol

'Working you hard' sounds more like a personal trainer to me!
I thought the same but surely he's much more likely to admit having a PT than doing yoga
GrandDuchessRomanov · 31/01/2022 12:02

I hope you are doing OK OP x

Thesameol · 31/01/2022 12:04

What if it's a female PT? Or he feels guilty about spending the money on a PT?
The £145 is suspiciously in the realms of the cost of a 1 hour session with a suburban prostitute though.

irene9 · 31/01/2022 12:23

Did you ask him where is the yoga on and how much is it per session?
And how long is each session.
If it's online he'd have to be doing it in the house.
That'll tell you a lot. If he can answer straightaway maybe he's telling the truth.

Shelaydownunderthetable · 31/01/2022 12:27

Hope you’re doing OK OP. Trust your instincts Flowers

Gwenhwyfar · 31/01/2022 12:29

@RosiePosieDozy

The 'work you hard' doesn't say yoga to me. Yoga is about relaxation and mindfulness. It doesn't seem innocent.
A lot of yoga is really not relaxing when you're doing it. But yes, it sounds more like something a personal trainer would say or maybe a physio.
Gwenhwyfar · 31/01/2022 12:38

@GatoradeMeBitch

It's yoga, not high impact aerobics, where does the "working you hard" bit come in? When I went to yoga it was about relaxation, stretching, deep breathing, balance, but peaceful. "Work you hard" doesn't really seem to fit with that image.
Not all yoga is like that. It can be hard work. I agree that a class instructor probably wouldn't say I'm going to work you hard, but a yoga class being active and hard work isn't shocking.
Gwenhwyfar · 31/01/2022 12:39

"Yoga can absolutely be hard work and aerobic (astanga, rocket or hot/Bikram, for example)."

I've only done Hatha and Kundalini, not particularly active forms, but it can definitely be hard work! Just doing a few sun salutations over and over can get you really out of breath, then there are seemingly simple things like just having your arms out to your side for a while.

BeenHereForAges · 31/01/2022 12:58

I'm sorry OP. People can be so shit sometimes This must be incredibly stressful for you.
I do agree that the yoga/massage excuse seems like a lie.
I hope you find out the truth.

KeepYaHeadUp · 31/01/2022 13:01

All those saying the assumptions require an active imagination are very naive. You only have to look on some "punter" message boards to see how common this is and this is exactly the kind of scenario men on there discuss from the other side ("missus saw messages on my WhatsApp") and warn about ("make sure you use a different phone and make small cash withdrawals so you don't arouse suspicion")

PrincessNutella · 31/01/2022 13:11

How wonderful that your husband has been doing yoga. Now he can teach you all of the moves he has learned and you can do them together. Win win. I am sure you will be very eager to see what his teacher has been "working him hard" to learn.

Starrystarrynights21 · 31/01/2022 13:14

Unfortunately I found out by total accident my partner was seeing escorts, couldn’t believe my shy, intellectual what I thought respectful man was doing, the mental strain on me was unbelievable and as the previous poster said it’s not as uncommon as you think and I saw other men I knew on these horrible sites in detective work !!
Found hidden messages in his WhatsApp as that seems to be the most convenient way to be contacted, bank transfer payments and noticed several pairs of boxer shorts in washing basket after I just done a wash . I am hope I am being over imaginative and it is just yoga but I very much doubt it , if it is escorts leave as they will never change!! The thrill of the choosing etc addicts them. As for Punternet that site needs banning!, it’s absolutely vile !!

me4real · 31/01/2022 13:15

PP's are definitely right that you could ask him to show you the moves. Though he'd probably claim he can't remember them.

Guacamole001 · 31/01/2022 13:38

I did yoga in my thirties and the instructor definitely worked the whole group hard.

I have heard similar comments from an aqua aerobics teacher.

As I have said above it is possible it is a dominatrix. Regular escorts simply do not work their clients hard. It isn't gymnastics!

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