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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband didn’t mention he is doing yoga or having massages. AIBU?

297 replies

Tiffany80s · 30/01/2022 18:17

I went to turn off my husband’s phone alarm this morning and saw a message from a number that didn’t have a name saved and the message had been saved in WhatsApp under “archived” messages. The profile pic was a woman- the message said something about not worrying about missing a few weeks and that she was going to “work him hard next time”. I asked him what this was about and he said he took up yoga to help with back ache (from work). I asked him why he didn’t tell me and he said he thought I would make a joke of it and tease him. Months ago he mentioned my brother in law doing yoga and I actually told him I thought it was great he was doing it. I just had a really bad feeling about it, my instincts told me something wasn’t right. I asked him to show the payments for this. When he showed me the payment, I saw another regular series of payments to another woman. When I noticed the first payment , I asked him who that was, and he said he didn’t know anything about it. When I scrolled further there were 6 more payments, weekly. His face fell and I asked him who he had made the payments to. This time he said he had been going for sports massages. I can’t understand why he would not mention this to me. You know something along the lines of “ my backs been hurting but I went for a massage today and I feel so much better”. My husband insists it is all above board. The line of work he is in it is common to see chiropractors for back aches etc. I can’t help feeling there is more to this. AIBU?

OP posts:
FabriqueBelgique · 31/01/2022 08:55

Trust your instincts. I would actually pretend to believe him for now and appear to let it go. Take some time to think smartly about how you can get to the truth.

SartresSoul · 31/01/2022 09:02

YANBU, I wouldn’t believe a word of it. My guess would be escorts but I don’t know. I just don’t know why anyone would hide doing yoga and having a sports massage from their wife (both totally normal innocent things to do). It’s the fact he hid the messages from view as well, very dodgy.

IntermittentParps · 31/01/2022 09:10

Hard to say without knowing anything about your DH or your relationship. I CAN though imagine a man being embarrassed to say he'd been doing yoga or having massages (although perhaps not if they're common in his work circles).

The message saying 'missing a few weeks' and 'she was going to “work him hard next time”' sounds quite credible, IMO, as something a yoga teacher might say.
And it's not 'odd' to do one-to-one yoga rather than a class. Although I know in this case he says it was a class; is he perhaps having individual yoga sessions but for some reason finds that more embarrassing than saying it's a class?
I feel like he's definitely lying about/concealing something, but I'm not sure what.

Abricot1993 · 31/01/2022 09:34

@IntermittentParps

Hard to say without knowing anything about your DH or your relationship. I CAN though imagine a man being embarrassed to say he'd been doing yoga or having massages (although perhaps not if they're common in his work circles).

The message saying 'missing a few weeks' and 'she was going to “work him hard next time”' sounds quite credible, IMO, as something a yoga teacher might say.
And it's not 'odd' to do one-to-one yoga rather than a class. Although I know in this case he says it was a class; is he perhaps having individual yoga sessions but for some reason finds that more embarrassing than saying it's a class?
I feel like he's definitely lying about/concealing something, but I'm not sure what.

There are two sets of payments. The first one she saw was for £145 and the "work him hard yoga teacher" Then there were a series of weekly payments to a second woman that he said was for sports massages. It could be a mix of things going on. Say £145 for a hotel room with work him hard and then weekly payments over 6 weeks for massage madam. I am sorry OP Flowers
Quincythequince · 31/01/2022 09:35

@Tiffany80s

I went to turn off my husband’s phone alarm this morning and saw a message from a number that didn’t have a name saved and the message had been saved in WhatsApp under “archived” messages. The profile pic was a woman- the message said something about not worrying about missing a few weeks and that she was going to “work him hard next time”. I asked him what this was about and he said he took up yoga to help with back ache (from work). I asked him why he didn’t tell me and he said he thought I would make a joke of it and tease him. Months ago he mentioned my brother in law doing yoga and I actually told him I thought it was great he was doing it. I just had a really bad feeling about it, my instincts told me something wasn’t right. I asked him to show the payments for this. When he showed me the payment, I saw another regular series of payments to another woman. When I noticed the first payment , I asked him who that was, and he said he didn’t know anything about it. When I scrolled further there were 6 more payments, weekly. His face fell and I asked him who he had made the payments to. This time he said he had been going for sports massages. I can’t understand why he would not mention this to me. You know something along the lines of “ my backs been hurting but I went for a massage today and I feel so much better”. My husband insists it is all above board. The line of work he is in it is common to see chiropractors for back aches etc. I can’t help feeling there is more to this. AIBU?
I’m sorry OP. He is lying to you, and I think you know it. Get your ducks in a row now. Who knows what else he is hiding from you, or plans to hide from you.
Quincythequince · 31/01/2022 09:36

@SartresSoul

YANBU, I wouldn’t believe a word of it. My guess would be escorts but I don’t know. I just don’t know why anyone would hide doing yoga and having a sports massage from their wife (both totally normal innocent things to do). It’s the fact he hid the messages from view as well, very dodgy.
👆🏻This! Absolutely this.
mindutopia · 31/01/2022 09:39

How much were the payments for the massages? And how many sessions does he say the yoga payment was for? When I did yoga, I paid, I think, £7 per session. £145 would be quite a chunk of sessions, especially if he had missed several weeks. I used to get sports massages, which cost about £70 for an hour. That's quite a lot to be paying out weekly.

IntermittentParps · 31/01/2022 09:43

Abricot1993, sure, it could be a mix of things going on. I said he's definitely lying about/concealing something; I'm just not sure what and I don't see the point in speculating. The OP needs to get a straight answer out of him and then she'll know.

Gonnagetgoing · 31/01/2022 09:48

I've done yoga for years - never would a teacher say 'work me harder'!

His face falling and hiding this would suggest he's hiding something.

You can actually pay sex workers via bank transfer in some cases - friend worked as as a 'maid' for them and some preferred this because men wouldn't bring cash or used fake money. You just get them to add something like 'physio work' against the transaction.

Yoga is approx £12 per session where I am but the posher studios go up to £20 per session, maybe £145 is because he got a discount or gave her a tip.

And it doesn't necessarily have to be a 'her' either.

TheBoreOfHabilon · 31/01/2022 09:52

He's using prostitutes.

SeenYourArse · 31/01/2022 10:01

If he has nothing to hide he can help you to see they are real businesses can’t he, google the name the payments went to and or show your their websites/Facebook pages/groups etc etc any Yoga teacher will have some sort of internet presence to get customers!

SeenYourArse · 31/01/2022 10:02

Also I just asked my DH about this from a and perspective he says 100% he’s using sex workers sorry OP 😞

throwawayafteruse · 31/01/2022 10:15

It's not the yoga or sports massage - my husband is doing both after a mountain biking accident, and has no problems telling me he's doing them. It's the secrecy.

The message being in the archive section (which means it's hidden from the main view), the number not being saved and acting weird when the payments were uncovered/lying about how many payments there were.

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck.... it probably isn't yoga.

Bobobilly7 · 31/01/2022 10:19

Sorry you're in this situation OP, how horrible for you.

Well he's definitely lying, and hiding something. So I think you need to sit down and have a proper chat with him. If he's telling the truth he'd be able to show you the business website etc, to match the bookings.

KeyLimePies · 31/01/2022 10:19

Okay, playing devils advocate, maybe its reformer pilates or similar that he is doing but he's just calling it yoga?

Maybe OP has a history of taking the piss out of him sometimes so he really was trying to keep it quiet?

Maybe he really fancies his instructor/masseur?

Could be dodgy, but possibly not.

Orchid876 · 31/01/2022 10:26

I mean, it’s difficult to believe this is innocent, so YANBU. If he really was going to yoga, the message from his “yoga teacher” is very unprofessional and just odd. I’ve done a lot of yoga and I can’t imagine any of my yoga teachers saying anything like that. “I’m going to work you hard” is just not the sort of thing that has ever come out of the mouths of any of my teachers, they’re all far too zen. And the reaction to being found out about the massages is very suspicious, why the secrecy around them? If I was a betting woman, I’d bet my house your DP is lying I’m afraid.

AryaStarkWolf · 31/01/2022 10:29

His secrecy and reactions are very very suspicious

Dibbydoos · 31/01/2022 10:41

I'd be suspicious too. He didn't tell you about massage even though you'd asked about yoga?

Def somethings not right here, but if he was doing something untoward (prostitute, GF etc) why would he put it through an account you can see???

Nickwinkle · 31/01/2022 10:42

This sounds very similar to my ex husband. Secretive, but then had an answer for anything I found out and questioned. They all seemed reasonable too until you put them together.

Then, once I'd thrown him out, the truth came to light and there were several loans taken out against the home, money taken from my account and hidden in a trust fund, secret children and lavish gifts bought for the many different girlfriends.

I'm not saying this is what's happening but you really need to investigate it fully. There's nothing worse than being hit with the realisation that your marriage will break apart if your suspicions prove true but it's best to find out now rather than when the situation rapidly deteriorates.

Is he usually so easily parted from his cash? Does he ever spend anything on you or is he quite secretive about his purchases? Not saying you need to know about all of his finances because everyone's entitled to their privacy and personal space but I expect you have some idea about how he spends...

Bellexx · 31/01/2022 10:46

@Tiffany80s

Googled number. It was a mobile number. Nothing came up.
Add in your phone and look at the WhatsApp picture. You can also search mobile numbers on Facebook/ LinkedIn etc if they are linked to the accounts
DixonD · 31/01/2022 10:46

@CoopsMalloops

Archived messages in what’s app don’t show up On the screen do they?
No. OP must have gone looking for this. Did you already have suspicions?
Bellexx · 31/01/2022 10:48

Also if you found the bank transfer just add the sort code/ bank account number to new payee and it should tell you roughly what the account name is

Saysaysaythree · 31/01/2022 10:54

OP I hope you are okay

TheYearOfSmallThings · 31/01/2022 10:56

Ask him to show you some yoga moves?.

Please do this! Stand there with your arms crossed and a wasp-chewing face on while he flops around on the floor showing you what he's learned!

JuergenSchwarzwald · 31/01/2022 10:57

I think he is lying too.

However, it's quite normal to archive chats on Whatsapp that you can't delete yourself from without causing offence. I have two groups muted and archived! That in itself is not the suspicious bit, the suspicious bit is the nature of the messages and the fact he looked guilty.