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Original poster

To be SO annoyed at someone for calling me shy!

187 replies

Wednesdayafternoon · 30/01/2022 16:04

It absolutely drives me crazy. I was recently at a birthday party for my reception child. One of the mums pointed out that I'm shy in the playground and it's just really annoyed me. Yeah I am quite shy but I'm okay with that and I don't mind I'm quite happy being who I am. But actually I make a conscious effort to not speak to this mum because She's an absolute gobs* so no it's not me being shy!!!!
Why do people think it is so appropriate to point out that somebody is shy. It really annoys me. If somebody is shy the last thing that they probably need to somebody pointing it out. I just think it's so annoying and I wish I had a really good comeback for it.
It's almost like they are pointing out that being shy of something that is negative or something to be embarrassed about when it isn't. It's just a type of personality and there is nothing wrong with it!!!

Rant over 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 01/02/2022 10:14

@KedgeIsland but the point of this thread isn't necessarily a comparison between the two different personality traits. It's about how "self righteous" people feel to point out an insecurity. And you might argue how would they know it's an insecurity? But I think that people should be more socially aware that shy people OFTEN are shy because they have less confidence so why is it kind to point that out? It just isn't. Simple as that.

OP posts:
KedgeIsland · 01/02/2022 10:22

[quote Wednesdayafternoon]@KedgeIsland but the point of this thread isn't necessarily a comparison between the two different personality traits. It's about how "self righteous" people feel to point out an insecurity. And you might argue how would they know it's an insecurity? But I think that people should be more socially aware that shy people OFTEN are shy because they have less confidence so why is it kind to point that out? It just isn't. Simple as that.[/quote]
I'm not disagreeing with you that she was rude. I'm just also saying that people who say they are shy on here are frequently extremely rude and self-righteous about people they perceive as 'loud' or socially confident.

You may say, 'Well, they're saying it on an anonymous internet forum, rather than to the 'loud' person's face', but my point is that it's shyness rather than them being a more tactful and polite person that is preventing the shy person from remarking on the loud person's loudness.

What kind of comeback is it that you wish you had? What is stopping you saying something to her about how it makes you feel bad?

Because if your shyness is stopping you responding assertively and civilly to someone who's said something to upset you, then I do think it's a negative thing in that it's restricting you.

Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 01/02/2022 10:52

@KedgeIsland it's not my shyness that's stopping me from saying something and I've never suggested it ever was, it's the fact that I think it's rude and like I've pointed out several times over this thread, it's not ok to put someone on the spot like that. It's unnecessary and rude and quite frankly really weird. That's my opinion. But the disadvantage that a shy or less confident person will likely have is that they don't feel brave enough to say anything back.

OP posts:
Ozanj · 01/02/2022 10:56

Shy is used for kids trying to get to grips with social norms. You are an adult and so there are other words to describe you deliberately ignoring someone in the playground from an external perspective - rude, antisocial, ignorant. It doesn’t cost money just to smile / nod a quick greeting. She used ‘shy’ because she still probably wants to see a positive in your lack of interaction or was trying to call you out as politely as possible.

KedgeIsland · 01/02/2022 11:10

[quote Wednesdayafternoon]@KedgeIsland it's not my shyness that's stopping me from saying something and I've never suggested it ever was, it's the fact that I think it's rude and like I've pointed out several times over this thread, it's not ok to put someone on the spot like that. It's unnecessary and rude and quite frankly really weird. That's my opinion. But the disadvantage that a shy or less confident person will likely have is that they don't feel brave enough to say anything back. [/quote]
But you've said you are shy -- are you saying that you are brave enough to say something back to people who remark on your shyness, and it's only other shy people who wouldn't be able to?

I think you're misunderstanding me, too -- I'm not in the least suggesting you be rude to this woman, but it's perfectly possible to say something neutral like 'Is that so?' or 'I wasn't aware that was how I came across' or 'I'm often preoccupied with X on the school run' or 'School playgrounds give me the creeps since my own schooldays.'

Ciaram55 · 01/02/2022 11:20

Somebody pointing out what they see as a negative as in saying to the Op she was shy, and the op describing this person as a "gobshite" can't be compared. Both descriptions might be true, but the Op didn't voice her opinions aloud to that person. Why should this "loud" woman think it fine to make personal remarks like that. It's certainly not said as a compliment, as in "your hair always looks lovely"

Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 01/02/2022 11:25

@KedgeIsland I really think you're thinking too much into things. I didn't respond because it room me back and I felt embarrassed and that's all there is to it. Also, I don't like confrontation or being out on the spot so I don't really want to talk back to someone like that.
I'm not at fault here and I'm not going to be made to feel so.

I'm in agreement with the majority, she was rude and it was unnecessary and people should be more socially aware and responsible to others.

OP posts:
OhWhyNot · 01/02/2022 11:27

If people are uncomfortable around others not wanting to give them attention maybe they need to look at themselves more before commenting on others not paying them attention. What is there need …

Ciaram55 · 01/02/2022 11:27

Calling someone shy who admits that they’re shy? hmm

So if you know yourself you're very loud you'd find it acceptable for someone you hardly know to say "you're very loud aren't you"

By your reckoning what if someone was self conscious about a large nose, is it fine for someone to say "haven't you got a big nose"Hmm

Feelingstuckkkk · 01/02/2022 11:36

Totally agree with you OP, I am also very shy and have been since childhood. My DM literally used to introduce me by saying this is my daughter she's very shy. I used to be crippled with embarrassment and wanted the ground to swallow me whenever she said it. I don't think she had any clue how much worse it made me feel.
My DC is also very similar so using my experience and things I've read I know that I absolutely should not point out the shyness!

Being shy is seen as such a negative and really shouldn't be.

KedgeIsland · 01/02/2022 11:53

[quote Wednesdayafternoon]@KedgeIsland I really think you're thinking too much into things. I didn't respond because it room me back and I felt embarrassed and that's all there is to it. Also, I don't like confrontation or being out on the spot so I don't really want to talk back to someone like that.
I'm not at fault here and I'm not going to be made to feel so.

I'm in agreement with the majority, she was rude and it was unnecessary and people should be more socially aware and responsible to others.[/quote]
Of course you're not at fault. I've never suggested you are. You do seem quite angry about it on here, though, so I suppose all I'm wondering is why you didn't say something neutral in return that would have made you feel less got at in the situation.

You just keep saying you don't like confrontation, and don't want to be rude, but I've never suggested you be rude or confrontational in response -- you sound as if you don't see any middle ground between suffering in silence at having something pointed out that you feel self-conscious about, and going on attack mode.

If this is something that happens frequently, and it really bothers you, then think about a neutral reply?

RockinHorseShit · 01/02/2022 12:03

There's an answer to this & one I've used with success

'Oh, you think I'm shy? No, that's not actually true, I'm just fussy who I talk to & confident & sensible enough to avoid the gossip mongers or bores" smile sweetly & change the subject & watch them mentally implode whilst not knowing what to say

Ciaram55 · 01/02/2022 12:03

I don't think the Op seems angry. She's responding to posts that probably seen very unreasonable. What the OP describes IS rude.

There is absolutely no need to point out someone's shyness. It serves no purpose whatsoever other than making the shy person feel small and somehow not good enough. Also actually makes them retreat even more back into themselves. Why does anyone want to do that to someone?

Ciaram55 · 01/02/2022 12:06

Another good response is "yes I am, and your point is?"

KedgeIsland · 01/02/2022 12:09

@Ciaram55

I don't think the Op seems angry. She's responding to posts that probably seen very unreasonable. What the OP describes IS rude.

There is absolutely no need to point out someone's shyness. It serves no purpose whatsoever other than making the shy person feel small and somehow not good enough. Also actually makes them retreat even more back into themselves. Why does anyone want to do that to someone?

She says she's 'really annoyed' twice in her OP, and describes the other woman as 'an absolute gobshite' -- that's what I'm referring to, not her subsequent posts. As well as the fact that it bothered her enough to post here about it some time after it happened.
Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 01/02/2022 12:09

@Ciaram55

I don't think the Op seems angry. She's responding to posts that probably seen very unreasonable. What the OP describes IS rude.

There is absolutely no need to point out someone's shyness. It serves no purpose whatsoever other than making the shy person feel small and somehow not good enough. Also actually makes them retreat even more back into themselves. Why does anyone want to do that to someone?

Thank you for your reply and for understanding!

I'm not angry at all. I was annoyed and ranting on Sunday but don't worry @KedgeIsland I'm perfectly happy now!
It is frustrating when a small number of people seem to be saying the same thing and not acknowledging my response. But hey, these are most likely the people who would make a point of calling me shy in the first place so each time their own 🙃

OP posts:
KedgeIsland · 01/02/2022 12:25

I'm only repeating myself because I don't think you understand my point, @Wednesdayafternoon, but I'll leave it there. And no, it would never occur to say 'Gosh, you're very shy, aren't you?' any more than it would strike me as a witty and original remark to shout 'What's the weather like up top?' at a tall person.

ldontWanna · 01/02/2022 12:30

@Ozanj

Shy is used for kids trying to get to grips with social norms. You are an adult and so there are other words to describe you deliberately ignoring someone in the playground from an external perspective - rude, antisocial, ignorant. It doesn’t cost money just to smile / nod a quick greeting. She used ‘shy’ because she still probably wants to see a positive in your lack of interaction or was trying to call you out as politely as possible.
Why is it anyone's job to call OP and anyone out?

No one owes someone else a nod or a smile . Yes it's nice if they do, but the lack of it is not behaviour that needs calling out.

If you go through life calling people out for silly things no wonder they won't smile and nod at you.

Saysama · 01/02/2022 12:42

Some people are ‘saying the same things and not acknowledging your response’ because your response doesn’t actually address what they’re saying. It’s like you genuinely cannot engage with nuance or understand any point that isn’t ‘yes, she was rude’. It’s very interesting to read.

Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 01/02/2022 12:47

@Saysama

Some people are ‘saying the same things and not acknowledging your response’ because your response doesn’t actually address what they’re saying. It’s like you genuinely cannot engage with nuance or understand any point that isn’t ‘yes, she was rude’. It’s very interesting to read.
I've also said a few times in this thread that it's fine if you don't understand but people who disagree on this thread seem to be selectively reading as I've pointed out a few times!
OP posts:
RockinHorseShit · 01/02/2022 12:49

Ozanj
Shy is used for kids trying to get to grips with social norms. You are an adult and so there are other words to describe you deliberately ignoring someone in the playground from an external perspective - rude, antisocial, ignorant. It doesn’t cost money just to smile / nod a quick greeting. She used ‘shy’ because she still probably wants to see a positive in your lack of interaction or was trying to call you out as politely as possible.

Get off your entitled high horse, NOBODY owes you social interaction of any kind, nobody at all. If someone doesn't want to engage in small talk or social niceties for the sake of it, that's entirely their call. Not yours or anyone else's ... & from experience, they're probably just quite aware & don't want to engage with someone they don't like

Whatwhywhenwhere · 01/02/2022 13:08

Has it occurred to you that she might feel rejected by you? Or feel that you don’t like her or are judging her? It’s just that sometimes shy people are (falsely) seen as cold and aloof.

If she has an expectation of you mirroring her behaviour or reciprocating, she might feel slightly hurt. Hence the hurtful comment. Just a thought.

Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 01/02/2022 13:10

@Ozanj

Shy is used for kids trying to get to grips with social norms. You are an adult and so there are other words to describe you deliberately ignoring someone in the playground from an external perspective - rude, antisocial, ignorant. It doesn’t cost money just to smile / nod a quick greeting. She used ‘shy’ because she still probably wants to see a positive in your lack of interaction or was trying to call you out as politely as possible.
Just seen this comment. I've stated on this thread a number of times I make an effort in the playground, so what's your point here? I actually rarely stand on my own, I always make small talk and chat and smile. You have no basis for your comment whatsoever so yeah that is but no thanks for the input!
OP posts:
Saysama · 01/02/2022 13:11

“I've also said a few times in this thread that it's fine if you don't understand but people who disagree on this thread seem to be selectively reading as I've pointed out a few times!”

This is exactly the sort of thing I mean. That doesn’t actually address what I said.

icannotbebothered · 01/02/2022 13:18

Yeah I always get called quiet, it's like.. okay? And? I just don't feel the need to talk when I have absolutely nothing to say