To be SO annoyed at someone for calling me shy!

[Wednesdayafternoon]

It absolutely drives me crazy. I was recently at a birthday party for my reception child. One of the mums pointed out that I'm shy in the playground and it's just really annoyed me. Yeah I am quite shy but I'm okay with that and I don't mind I'm quite happy being who I am. But actually I make a conscious effort to not speak to this mum because She's an absolute gobs* so no it's not me being shy!!!!
Why do people think it is so appropriate to point out that somebody is shy. It really annoys me. If somebody is shy the last thing that they probably need to somebody pointing it out. I just think it's so annoying and I wish I had a really good comeback for it.
It's almost like they are pointing out that being shy of something that is negative or something to be embarrassed about when it isn't. It's just a type of personality and there is nothing wrong with it!!!

Rant over 🙈

@Wisper1

Grow up. She says you're shy, you admit you're shy. Is the problem that someone has spoken the truth? Some people seem go out of their way to look for something to complain about.

It’s a problem because she felt the need to mention it in the first place. Like she owes an explanation for it. Or maybe it’s a rhetorical question to make someone feel like shit. Either way, when someone says it, it’s not coming from a good place.

It’s the equivalent of saying to an extroverted person,
“You never keep quiet in the playground do you?”
Or
“You’re very outgoing in the playground aren’t you?”

It just sounds weird and unnecessary. So why is it different when it comes to a shy person?
Also, nobody says stuff like this to an extrovert because their personality traits are seen as positive. People are less likely to say whatever the fuck they want to and about loud talkative people too.

I hate this. I’ve had “why are you so quiet?” - why it’s it ok to say that but not “why are you so loud?”

@Jedsnewstar

It’s implying there is something wrong with being shy!

It’s not a positive character trait though. Sorry if that offends people but it just isn’t. It’s not the same as being quiet and reserved. That’s a personality trait. Shyness is symptom of low self esteem, that’s not something to be celebrated.

Accusing people of having low self esteem not only doesn't help anyone, but proves op's point that it's rude to say.

People at work tell me I'm loud. I am. I have a distinctive regional accent and I talk loudly. First time someone made a joke of it I was a bit hurt but in American style I own it. It's me. I cant hear very well and my loudness covers up crippling anxiety.

I think people should lay off personal comments myself - but people do frequently say - oh you’re a real people person / you always know what to say / lured has a quite a big personality - and I hear similar and more being said to others. I’m not especially extrovert, it just depends which bit of me people are seeing. It’s just their POV, it’s not an official judgement.

I’m an introvert. I sometimes tell people I’m shy or an introvert at big social gatherings. I don’t think it’s regarded as a negative trait, generally.
Introverts are observant and sensitive. Read the book Quiet by Susan Cain. You’ll feel seen, heard and understood!
She prob didn’t mean it in a nasty way. Some people speak without thinking. Be a bit kinder to yourself and work on being comfortable with who you truly are.

YANBU I don't think its necessary for people to point this out. More often than not, a shy or quiet person is highly aware that they are shy... and could also be quite anxious about how shy they are. To then have it pointed out to you is just unnecessary.

For me, it feels thoughtless. If they sat and considered it for a little while, they'd probably realise that mentioning to a shy person that they are shy will only increase the person's anxiety.

I find it unnecessary because I fail to see what will be accomplished from mentioning it. It's hardly like a shy person can just suddenly become hugely outgoing because a random school mum thought to point out her shyness (if only it were that easy!).

Oh gawd this is one of those Introverts* Rights threads, isn't it?

Introverts (n) (pl): a group of people who have constructed for themselves an identity based on 1950s marketing practice, at one time touted as a psychological theory, now long discredited.

Anyway, as far as your question goes, she said you're shy and you agree that you're shy. So YABU.

@Timeyime ahh but you seem to be missing my point.
My point here is that why is it appropriate to put someone on the spot and make a comment about when personality when you don't even know them.
Probably worthwhile reading the whole thread instead of just part of it 👍🏼
And also me admiring to an insecurity of mine doesn't mean that strangers get to put me on the spot about it either. It's like going up to an overweight person and said "wow you're fat", or a bald person "you're bald" or someone who can't speak a language well "you don't speak English well". Just because I sit here and she I'm shy amongst many other comments about it being an insecurity of mine does not mean that strangers get to remind me of this at all.
And if you think that's acceptable then I'm telling you now, it absolutely isn't!!!

@Jedsnewstar it's personal preference.
My Nanna was the most gentle, sweet lady I've ever known. Many may have thought she was shy, but I loved that about her.

@Holly60 @Toanewstart22

It's two completely different things. Everyone has an opinion of eachother and it's absolutely fine to not like someone IMO. IMO it's fine to think someone is shy or loud or cheeky or lovely or a gobs*.

What isn't fine though is putting someone on the spot when you don't know them and make an accusation calling them it. I may have used that word on here but like in my initial post I said I was ranting because I was offended and embarrassed that I front of all the school mums someone said to me "you're shy aren't you" in a patronising way after a lifetime of being called SHY when I've worked so hard to make an effort with everyone and push myself out of my comfort zone. I don't know anyone here, you don't know me and you don't know who I am talking about. It's a rant. It's 2 totally different things.

I couldn't give a monkeys if she called me shy to anyone but to put me on the spot and embarrass me and belittle me that's different. And if you don't get it then that's fine, don't expect every to get it, but trying to make the connection between my post and that behaviour is just really desperate.

She was rude. Unfortunately there are lots of parents you meet at school. Some rude parents, some lovely parents.
The thing I always remember is, I’m there for my dc and I don’t want to make their life potentially awkward in anyway. I know I would never exclude another child because their parent and I had a disagreement. but unfortunately some places can be clicky and I think many people if you asked would uncomfortably admit that there are clicks at their child school. and certain dc getting invited to events etc based on who’s mum chats with who.
It’s not right, but sadly it happens.

So whenever I dislike another parent or they say something that rubs me up the wrong way, I never say anything negative back.
As I’d never want to effect the dynamic negatively for my dc which is my whole reason to be in the playground anyway.
I don’t get involved with the clicks, I don’t care about that I have my own friends and life outside of school.
But I am always smiley and overlook anything negative/irritations from other parents (obviously excluding serious issues).
Sometimes being nice back to a rude comment can be the best way. Her - you are shy. You - oh I don’t know what many people at school, it’s lovely to come and meet you all at this party.
Yes she’d still be rude, but you would still be one up by being the bigger person and keeping it polite in response for sake of your dc.
Good luck and don’t dwell on it.

Thank you all, really appreciate the understanding. I just needed that today and I've definitely taken the tips and advice on board! 🥰

@Wisper1

Grow up. She says you're shy, you admit you're shy. Is the problem that someone has spoken the truth? Some people seem go out of their way to look for something to complain about.

Get a grip, Wisper. Chill out.

Calling her a gobshite is a little judgemental, on what basis

@Momicrone see my previous comment.

I’m rather astounded that people here think it’s ok to make a pointed and personal comment (also totally unnecessary) to someone’s face in a public forum that they KNOW will make that person uncomfortable. If you know someone is shy, why the fuck would you think they won’t be embarrassed to have that commented on in a group setting?

Yeah, there’s nothing wrong with being quiet, reserved etc but pointing out shyness (a trait that no one talks about positively) in a group situation is out and out unkind. The speaker either knows this or is totally without empathy.

She's rude. Yanbu.

But you don't sound shy anymore either. I consider shy to mean uncomfortable making necessary conversation. You sound like you might be quiet, but you are comfortable chatting at school gates etc so don't think of yourself as shy either. Quiet, listener, polite many lovely qualities.

That person's comment shows they have low emotional intelligence and and are rude. Says nothing about you. And anyone else who was there is likely to think the same.

I don't understand why you are annoyed. I've been called shy and in some circumstances I am but it doesn't bother me.
You know you are shy so why not just say yes I am, what's your point?

I think the people who do it, do it as a way to be dominating and get a thrill by making someone feel uncomfortable.

@MangosteenSoda

I’m rather astounded that people here think it’s ok to make a pointed and personal comment (also totally unnecessary) to someone’s face in a public forum that they KNOW will make that person uncomfortable. If you know someone is shy, why the fuck would you think they won’t be embarrassed to have that commented on in a group setting?

Yeah, there’s nothing wrong with being quiet, reserved etc but pointing out shyness (a trait that no one talks about positively) in a group situation is out and out unkind. The speaker either knows this or is totally without empathy.

Thank you for this, I totally agree! ♥️

@Rosebel

I don't understand why you are annoyed. I've been called shy and in some circumstances I am but it doesn't bother me. You know you are shy so why not just say yes I am, what's your point?

As mentioned previously, Just because I sit here and say I'm shy amongst many other comments about it being an insecurity of mine does not mean that strangers get to remind me of this or point it out in front of other people. And if you think that's acceptable then I'm telling you now, it absolutely isn't and please do not do this to someone.

People do it to children all the time and it drives me nuts. My daughter when she was little was quiet and people would go right up to her saying she was shy. I made a point of saying she wasn't shy. People love to put labels on other people. YANBU as she was being rude.

Just say "I'm only shy around people who I don't like."

Even those who don't think it's personally offensive, do you actually go around telling everyone about themselves? Obviously not, because it's impolite and unpleasant, and people will start to avoid being around you.