To be SO annoyed at someone for calling me shy!

[Wednesdayafternoon]

It absolutely drives me crazy. I was recently at a birthday party for my reception child. One of the mums pointed out that I'm shy in the playground and it's just really annoyed me. Yeah I am quite shy but I'm okay with that and I don't mind I'm quite happy being who I am. But actually I make a conscious effort to not speak to this mum because She's an absolute gobs* so no it's not me being shy!!!!
Why do people think it is so appropriate to point out that somebody is shy. It really annoys me. If somebody is shy the last thing that they probably need to somebody pointing it out. I just think it's so annoying and I wish I had a really good comeback for it.
It's almost like they are pointing out that being shy of something that is negative or something to be embarrassed about when it isn't. It's just a type of personality and there is nothing wrong with it!!!

Rant over 🙈

I can totally see your point op and I think it's really useful you putting it out there as I suspect a lot of people thoughtlessly say these things without realising how it could add to a self consciousness or make a socially less confident person feel really rotten. I know it's obvious when you think about it but I don't think it will be for many and good to make people more aware.

On the whether you're unreasonable front. Id be inclined to forgive the woman unless you have more reason than this to think she's trying to be mean to you as it sounds more likely she was just being thoughtless. For what it's worth anxiety can hit us all in different ways. When I'm socially anxious I can babble on rather than get quiet. Sometimes I know this but it can be as hard to stop as a shy person trying to be more chatty if fuelled by nervousness. Also quiet people can make more talkative people feel more responsible for the social interaction or to come up with things or whatever which means they may babble on more. There seems to be an assumption that talkative people are confident and quiet people may be less so but this isn't necessarily the case at all. Some people are confident of both personality types and some people are nervous or a bit anxious, chatterers or more quiet alike. Therefore I think it would be needlessly cruel to say some cutting remark as suggested above. We don't really have a context or anything to suggest she was actively trying to make you feel bad.

I don't think it's true that shy is a known negative or insult. In fact shy and loud can be used with loud being far more negative and associated with shallow or surface or crass or uncontrolled and can be used very insultingly traditionally particularly of women sadly. I don't agree with this at all and I also think some of the horrible insulting generalisations on this thread about loud or outgoing people (in this case it's a woman) are unnecessary and feed into unpleasant stereotyping.

I'm a chattier person usually but have been very shy at times in my life so I do also know how crap it can feel. I think I was brought up to think shy or quiet people are superior! Ie that quieter people are more profound or more interesting. Chattier people more superficial or not as focused. Etc. So in my experience the positive and negative has been the reverse of the assumption of many on here. I don't think any of these generalisations are true or fair by the way. I have friends who are very quiet and others where it's like going to a stand up comedy performance and all of them are great and interesting people and all are thoughtful and deep too. I do think that the chattering people may end up making these social blunders more. On the other hand sometimes the shy people can sometimes be so worried about making a social blunder they add to the pressure on themselves. So I think it's worth trying to forgive one unfortunate woman putting her foot in it as otherwise the pressure to never make a social mistake just increases which can also be another sort of rabbit-hole.

@LankylegsFromOz

I haven't read the comments, but maybe what she really wanted to point out was that you seem rude and stuck-up in the playground, but she wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt? 😉

How rude.

@ABCDEFyou

I get this a lot. It's bad enough when people who don't you know well comment on you but my mother does this to me too. I've asked her to stop several times but the next gathering or birthday party she will introduce me to someone and then tell them I'm shy, and I get a few "awwww bless you" followed by an evening of l people trying to "bring me out of my shell"

Or she will start telling an anecdote, then tell me to repeat it to a room full of people and make comments on how shy I'm behaving, or tell me I'm blushing.

God that sounds awful!.

Sadly there are too many people like this. (A few of them on this thread it seems...)

OP, it is rude to point that out to you.

A nice response to it is to answer "I'm not shy, I'm just not loud, there is a difference", with a false smile on your face.

Practice it in the mirror.

My favourite response is 'I'm only shy around people I don't like.'

I don't really understand why you're offended. One of the school mums commented to my Mum (she also picks up my DD) that I'm shy and I found it really funny. I'm far from shy, I just cba to talk most of the time.

@billy1966

OP, it is rude to point that out to you.

A nice response to it is to answer "I'm not shy, I'm just not loud, there is a difference", with a false smile on your face.

Practice it in the mirror.

I really like this response! Thank you 🥰

@Lavender24

I don't really understand why you're offended. One of the school mums commented to my Mum (she also picks up my DD) that I'm shy and I found it really funny. I'm far from shy, I just cba to talk most of the time.

But maybe that's the point. If you're not someone who is shy then maybe you don't understand why it's a frustrating comment to repeatedly have made to you.

@HelloFrostyMorning

My favourite response is 'I'm only shy around people I don't like.'

Hahaha yes I love this although I'm not ballsy enough to say it 🙈

I'm amazed at how many people on here don't see the issue with this!

@surreygirl1987

I'm amazed at how many people on here don't see the issue with this!

Probably because they aren't shy.

This is interesting. You posted on AIBU, but appear to be telling people who think YABU not to ‘post on your thread’.

You’re here seeking validation, then?

You claim that you think being shy is a perfectly fine personality trait (you loved it in your grandmother), but having said (perfectly fine) personality trait pointed out is apparently deeply frustrating and an insult not to be borne? Why?

If you’re shy, then you’re shy. You can either own it and be comfortable with it or do something about it. Currently, though, YABU.

ABCDEFyou

I get this a lot. It's bad enough when people who don't you know well comment on you but my mother does this to me too. I've asked her to stop several times but the next gathering or birthday party she will introduce me to someone and then tell them I'm shy, and I get a few "awwww bless you" followed by an evening of l people trying to "bring me out of my shell"

Or she will start telling an anecdote, then tell me to repeat it to a room full of people and make comments on how shy I'm behaving, or tell me I'm blushing.

That is disgraceful behaviour from your Mum. I am so sorry you went through that.

Totally with you OP. I was often told I was quiet or shy as a child, by teachers etc, in a way that made clear it was a negative trait and something to be worked on.

These days, I know I can be quite reserved and am quiet in big groups especially, but I'm sociable and friendly, I can make conversation easily and have a laugh with people.

I went to a destination wedding a few years ago and all the guests had great fun together at a few parties and events before the big day. A friend of the groom who I'd never met before, and incidentally was really loud and outgoing, randomly one night came over specifically to ask me 'why are you always so quiet?'.

It's honestly crushing. What are you supposed to say to that? I thought I was getting on well with everyone, having a nice time, laughing and getting into the spirit of things. No I'm not leading the singalong or entertaining everyone with my dance moves like him. But then not everyone can.

When he said that, it felt like an accusation. He might as well have just came out and said 'what exactly is wrong with you?'.

It then makes you feel self conscious about the efforts you're making to chat. Like I'd rather just sink into a wall than try to join in and have people still think 'haha look at her trying to be normal'. Because there's obviously something so glaringly weird about me that makes people feel compelled to comment.

I'm fine with being quiet, I really am. But as soon as someone tells me I am, it takes me right back to being a self conscious child being told I need to speak up more. That's actually the last time anyone said that to me and it was about 6 years ago now, but if sticks with you.

If anyone reading this thinks it's ok to point out to people that they're shy or quiet, it's not. It's really not. We've heard it all our lives and whatever you might tell yourself, it's not a neutral or a positive comment to the person hearing it for the 1000th time.

@Saysama

This is interesting. You posted on AIBU, but appear to be telling people who think YABU not to ‘post on your thread’.

You’re here seeking validation, then?

You claim that you think being shy is a perfectly fine personality trait (you loved it in your grandmother), but having said (perfectly fine) personality trait pointed out is apparently deeply frustrating and an insult not to be borne? Why?

If you’re shy, then you’re shy. You can either own it and be comfortable with it or do something about it. Currently, though, YABU.

I asked one person to not post on my thread because of how rude they were to me. This post has had over 100 replies to it so o have barely asked anyone who doesn't agree with me to not post so I just really don't understand this remark at all. This thread isn't an opportunity to be bullish and if someone is going to imply I am stuck up or rude for literally no reason at all then they are not welcome to be part of my conversation.

The point of this thread, as I have pointed out MANY times is that it is just so not ok to put someone on the spot and point out they are shy, it really isn't ok and the more and more people respond the more that I feel this way and the more that I feel my feelings are justified.

I am ok with who I am, but like others have commented, it's not ok for a stranger to embarrass me like that. If you think it is, then like I've said to others that's fine, but I don't agree with you.

@onceagainaspredicted

Totally with you OP. I was often told I was quiet or shy as a child, by teachers etc, in a way that made clear it was a negative trait and something to be worked on.

These days, I know I can be quite reserved and am quiet in big groups especially, but I'm sociable and friendly, I can make conversation easily and have a laugh with people.

I went to a destination wedding a few years ago and all the guests had great fun together at a few parties and events before the big day. A friend of the groom who I'd never met before, and incidentally was really loud and outgoing, randomly one night came over specifically to ask me 'why are you always so quiet?'.

It's honestly crushing. What are you supposed to say to that? I thought I was getting on well with everyone, having a nice time, laughing and getting into the spirit of things. No I'm not leading the singalong or entertaining everyone with my dance moves like him. But then not everyone can.

When he said that, it felt like an accusation. He might as well have just came out and said 'what exactly is wrong with you?'.

It then makes you feel self conscious about the efforts you're making to chat. Like I'd rather just sink into a wall than try to join in and have people still think 'haha look at her trying to be normal'. Because there's obviously something so glaringly weird about me that makes people feel compelled to comment.

I'm fine with being quiet, I really am. But as soon as someone tells me I am, it takes me right back to being a self conscious child being told I need to speak up more. That's actually the last time anyone said that to me and it was about 6 years ago now, but if sticks with you.

If anyone reading this thinks it's ok to point out to people that they're shy or quiet, it's not. It's really not. We've heard it all our lives and whatever you might tell yourself, it's not a neutral or a positive comment to the person hearing it for the 1000th time.

Thank you so much for your comment, you so get what I am trying to say. I am sorry you have been through this too, it really is awful. That one comment can do so much to your confidence. It's just so not ok to put someone on the spot like that! But thank you for sharing, you've made me feel a lot better. It's crazy to me that people think it's ok to do this, especially when multiple people have shared their experiences. But having been put in this position many times before I did expect those replies too!

@Ionlydomassiveones just because someone admits a personality trait doesn't mean it's ok to put them on the spot and point it out in front of everyone as I've said many a times.

Shy people really get on my nerves. If you aren't sociable don't socialise. If you go to social events and don't speak you are being rude.

@Joystir59

Shy people really get on my nerves. If you aren't sociable don't socialise. If you go to social events and don't speak you are being rude.

It is possible it is just people like yourself they don't speak to, you sound very intolerant and I wouldn't want to speak to someone with that attitude, even though I'm not shy, just quiet! No one has to speak to you.

@Joystir59

Shy people really get on my nerves. If you aren't sociable don't socialise. If you go to social events and don't speak you are being rude.

What a really ignorant comment. I could say to you, if your ignorant rude and unkind don't socialise too.... but I won't say that because that would make me one of those people! 🙄😏

You admit you are shy.

So what are you so cross about?

Other people realising that you are shy?

This is a baffling post.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

You admit you are shy.

So what are you so cross about?

Other people realising that you are shy?

This is a baffling post.

Have you read the comments because this has been explained by me and MANY other people who have been in my position. Many. In fact someone has literally just posted a response to this question this morning. If you're baffled, just read the thread.

I'm trying... still makes no sense!

So you have described yourself as shy. But you don't like other people describing you as shy?

Please help me to understand your thought process.

@Lavender24

I don't really understand why you're offended. One of the school mums commented to my Mum (she also picks up my DD) that I'm shy and I found it really funny. I'm far from shy, I just cba to talk most of the time.

I do understand why OP is upset, it's struck a nerve and I think of self-confidence is low it's hard to shrug that kind of comment off.

@Wednesdayafternoon I am definitely anything but shy, I'm on the obnoxious loudmouth end of the scale (but not a gobshite! ). but I really hated the school gate culture so used to walk into school rain or shine with big sunglasses on and would only talk to a few people (friends). Over the years I was described by some as shy or aloof / stuck up butch - what I was categorised as, my friends said, seemed to depend on what I was wearing! Red coat and heels - stuck up and aloof...

Anyway, it was only ever the very few who made these comments - many others didn't and importantly those I was friends with ignored it / found it hilarious.

This will be the same for you - so I understand that this comment hurts but your context is the person who said it you don't like and doesn't matter to you. So mentally push it aside and don't hold the hurt. remember her word is not gospel / the truth - she doesn't speak for everybody and those who know you will disregard it.

Tbf, in my case, I kind of got why they said it - I was avoiding them, a bit like you were not conversing with the gobshite :)