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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be SO annoyed at someone for calling me shy!

187 replies

Wednesdayafternoon · 30/01/2022 16:04

It absolutely drives me crazy. I was recently at a birthday party for my reception child. One of the mums pointed out that I'm shy in the playground and it's just really annoyed me. Yeah I am quite shy but I'm okay with that and I don't mind I'm quite happy being who I am. But actually I make a conscious effort to not speak to this mum because She's an absolute gobs* so no it's not me being shy!!!!
Why do people think it is so appropriate to point out that somebody is shy. It really annoys me. If somebody is shy the last thing that they probably need to somebody pointing it out. I just think it's so annoying and I wish I had a really good comeback for it.
It's almost like they are pointing out that being shy of something that is negative or something to be embarrassed about when it isn't. It's just a type of personality and there is nothing wrong with it!!!

Rant over 🙈

OP posts:
OhWhyNot · 01/02/2022 07:00

I often been told I am shy. I am shy yes it’s annoying to be told you are

Usually but some loudmouth that sees it as being a negative because they can’t possibly understand why we are not wanting attention

It’s got nothing to do with self esteem 🙄 I’m socially a bit awkward but confident within myself. I could never go in to a party and just chat with everyone but I have managed to be totally independent, travelled abroad alone, have a good career and good solid friendships

It makes life difficult at times but I’ve learnt to live with it. And I don’t need other people’s validation that is a positive in life especially in the world we live in

surreygirl1987 · 01/02/2022 07:01

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy are you kidding? Have you not read the thread? Wo many people have explained this very well. If you still can't understand ... the problem is with you I'm afraid, not the OP and the many many other posters who have explained the issue very well.

ClemDanFango · 01/02/2022 07:08

You give too much power over your feelings to others. Stop giving a shit what other people think of you.

OhWhyNot · 01/02/2022 07:16

It’s not what other people think it’s what they say

I don’t go round telling people they are too loud, a bit too attention seeking, a bit too talkative, a bit too quiet I don’t need to voice my opinion in such a way

It’s not said nicely it’s said implying there is something wrong

Whatwhywhenwhere · 01/02/2022 07:21

It seems a little rude, but some people would think they were just “keeping it real”. A good trick is to realise that sometimes other people say hurtful things unthinkingly. Being shy isn’t a defect. I would laugh it off and not let it affect me.

ldontWanna · 01/02/2022 07:25

@Joystir59

Shy people really get on my nerves. If you aren't sociable don't socialise. If you go to social events and don't speak you are being rude.
I have no issues being rude to someone like you.
lollipoprainbow · 01/02/2022 07:25

I've been shy all my life and when it's pointed out I cringe so much. My dd9 is also very shy and again we have the 'isn't she shy/quiet' comments. Why do people think it's a good idea to point this out. Very rude.

lollipoprainbow · 01/02/2022 07:33

@Clarefromwork yes I've had the 'painfully shy' comment many a time too. How are you expected to react to that comment ffs !

GaiusHelenMohiam · 01/02/2022 07:38

You clearly make a value judgement about people who aren’t shy. Along with some others on this thread.

Gobshite, bullish, loud, in your face, obnoxious.

It’s pretty hard to read as an outgoing person who talks to everybody.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying you’re shy. There’s every chance she meant , wow what a great party you’ve thrown, I didn’t expect it as you’re so shy in the playground. Or something similar. Rather than OMG YOU LOSER YOURE SO SHY which is how you’ve taken it.

OhWhyNot · 01/02/2022 07:48

I make a judgment on people who go around telling other people that they are this or that

It’s always loudmouths that point out I am shy

It’s always been the louder mothers that point out my ds is shy

I have been defensive about ds and it’s shown him to not listen to such comments

lumpofcomfort · 01/02/2022 07:51

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

You admit you are shy.

So what are you so cross about?

Other people realising that you are shy?

This is a baffling post.

It is not about other people realising she is shy, it is about publicly pointing out her shyness. In current society, shyness is deemed a negative trait so it would be like pointing out other traits that are deemed negative like "you are boring" or " you are thick".
MandalaYogaTapestry · 01/02/2022 08:10

To the people that are baffled and don't see the problem.

Try replacing shy with obese. Or having crooked teeth. Or - please forgive the crude example - inferile. Or whatever else that one would choose not to be if that were an option.

Then you will realise that some things may be true but should not be said to someone's face.

Toanewstart22 · 01/02/2022 08:13

@MandalaYogaTapestry

To the people that are baffled and don't see the problem.

Try replacing shy with obese. Or having crooked teeth. Or - please forgive the crude example - inferile. Or whatever else that one would choose not to be if that were an option.

Then you will realise that some things may be true but should not be said to someone's face.

Odd analogy As I don’t regard someone being shy as a negative or criticism. It’s like saying someone is confident or quiet or loud or chatty etc
lollipoprainbow · 01/02/2022 08:15

People who are shy are well aware they are and don't need it to be pointed out !

MandalaYogaTapestry · 01/02/2022 08:23

It has been pointed out many times that usually it is seen as non-desirable. It's not about your own personal perception. See above examples.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 01/02/2022 08:23

The earlier post was for Toan

Ciaram55 · 01/02/2022 08:33

People definitely see it as a negative. Shy people tend to get ignored. I think people often see shy people as boring people. It's the outgoings ones who are "popular" and everyone wants to talk to. To point out someone's shyness is rude and unnecessary.

A shy person knows they are shy, they don't need to be told. As if you'd say to an overly loud person "aren't you loud".

5keletor · 01/02/2022 08:37

You sound much more like someone I'd prefer to be around OP, it's the more outgoing people are often more loud and annoying, I've found.

I get why you're annoyed, you wouldn't go up to her and say "you're very talkative!".

KedgeIsland · 01/02/2022 08:41

[quote Wednesdayafternoon]@NuffSaidSam I am fine with going to school and making an effort to chat to others. I know I could be more confident but that's fine it's a work in progress. I don't need someone who doesn't know me to point this out.
People who are shy get comments like this all the time, at least I do. I make so much effort to push myself out of my comfort zones yet people still feel the need to point out my shyness. It's just unnecessary.

It would literally never occur to me to go up to somebody and say "oh wow you're really loud" or "you're so outspoken" or "do you ever stop speaking" so why is it so socially normal for people to point out when someone is quiet.[/quote]
Well, surely the reason you wouldn’t go up to someone and tell them they’re loud is because you say yourself you’re ‘shy’?

Why not tell the commenter that actually you’re the life and soul of the party, but you never speak to her because you think she’s awful?

Goldendeliciousness · 01/02/2022 08:50

I agree with OP.

It is rude is because it gets commented on often, people who are outgoing wouldn't get those others referring to them as loud constantly. I am shy and find social situations hard, to have someone comment that they have noticed that I am shy is not a compliment it just makes me feel more self conscious and makes me even shyer.

I think it is often as a sly way of putting someone down and in my experience it is always said by very loud individuals with little self awareness.

Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 01/02/2022 08:53

@Toanewstart22 I'm not ashamed of who I am and I am happy that I go into school and work and make effort with people. But not having a lot of confidence or being shy is often deep rooted, and for me it is. So whilst I'm happy with me and I push myself to be more confident, when someone feels the need to put me on the spot and say "god you're shy", "you're quiet aren't you", "do you ever speak", "let's bring you out of your shell" it makes me feel like absolute shit because I'm making an effort and I'm happy doing my thing.
I accept that people have their opinions of me, o have my opinions of others... but why is it so ok for people to comment on people who don't have a lot of confidence? Whether that person knows it or not! It absolutely isn't it. If you notice someone is shy or quiet and you feel it your responsibility to acknowledge that, then why not just try and chat to that person more... instead of labelling them and making them feel inferior!
It really isn't rocket science. It's just as simple as the above.

Yes im happy with me and I feel good about myself when I make the effort with others, but I just do not need people to label me shy or label me anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 01/02/2022 08:54

@Goldendeliciousness

I agree with OP.

It is rude is because it gets commented on often, people who are outgoing wouldn't get those others referring to them as loud constantly. I am shy and find social situations hard, to have someone comment that they have noticed that I am shy is not a compliment it just makes me feel more self conscious and makes me even shyer.

I think it is often as a sly way of putting someone down and in my experience it is always said by very loud individuals with little self awareness.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

This!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 01/02/2022 08:54

@KedgeIsland no I wouldn't go up to someone and say they are loud because it's a weird thing to do!!!!

OP posts:
maplegrove · 01/02/2022 09:24

I agree OP. It’s one thing to think something about someone but another thing to say it to them. It wouldn’t be acceptable to say to someone you don’t know very well ‘your top is creased’ or ‘you’re too short’ etc. It’s just mean and unnecessary to say someone is shy even if they are acting shy. Sometimes it’s best to keep it to yourself.

KedgeIsland · 01/02/2022 09:43

[quote Wednesdayafternoon]@KedgeIsland no I wouldn't go up to someone and say they are loud because it's a weird thing to do!!!![/quote]
Well, I don’t disagree — I’m all in favour of people who recognise that not only is it possible to think a thing and not say it, it’s often better! — but I get a bit tired of the confusion about introverts and extroverts on Mn (which are not the same thing at all as ‘loud’ and ‘shy’,or ‘confident’ and ‘timid/anxious’) and of the frequent self-righteousness of those who identify as ‘shy’. Being ‘shy’ doesn’t actually make you in any way a better person than people who present as more talkative and socially confident..

This person was rude to comment on your shyness, absolutely, but we won’t be able to do any kind of comparative analysis between shyness/loudness and politeness standards, because we will never know what the shy person refrains from saying because they are too shy to say it. Is it politeness or shyness holding them back from saying ‘Actually, I just don’t talk to you because I think you’re awful’?

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