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Original poster

Found his message unusual and now he seems to have taken offence that I questioned it

189 replies

wasiwrongtoask · 30/01/2022 10:57

I have been seeing someone for almost a year now and last night his last message seemed a bit unusual. I sent a text to say good night and he responded with a number of emojis. He is very articulate and not usually big on these and they included an aubergine 🍆 which I found odd so I asked if he was talking to someone else pointing out that it was unusual. He has now taken offence and was very defensive. Was I BU to ask?

OP posts:
Original poster
wasiwrongtoask · 30/01/2022 11:44

@MrsEricBana thank you, I didn't think I had be tbh and I would rather be direct than skirt around the issue.

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 30/01/2022 11:45

Yes you were in the wrong to ask.
It sounds like you were trying to start an argument.

If he was talking to someone else do you think he would have just admitted it?

Sounds like he was tired and possibly drunk and wanted to go to sleep.

If you don’t want to be with him then end things but don’t try and push him away and then wonder why he’s annoyed.

Themadcatparade · 30/01/2022 11:46

I'm with you too on this one that is not a normal reaction to a question. My ex used to get really defensive over messages and act similar, threaten to leave me, say I was paranoid or controlling etc etc and he always had a girl on the go or was messaging someone. I was in denial for years

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 30/01/2022 11:47

I think I should add that given it was such a leap you made (and assuming you don’t usually jump to the wrong conclusion) it may be that your hunch is right. Sometimes we feel things by way of instinct that when written down do not add up. So on the face of it it, what you asked him seems unreasonable. But actually, you may have been onto something that is just not tangible enough to translate into a post on a forum (bit like my rambling here on the issue!).

Original poster
wasiwrongtoask · 30/01/2022 11:48

Just for the record this is the first time I have questioned him about anything! I am not paranoid or controlling in any way, I am however direct

OP posts:
Hshuznw · 30/01/2022 11:48

@Themadcatparade

I'm with you too on this one that is not a normal reaction to a question. My ex used to get really defensive over messages and act similar, threaten to leave me, say I was paranoid or controlling etc etc and he always had a girl on the go or was messaging someone. I was in denial for years
If I was wrongfully accused of cheating, I wouldn’t simply laugh it off. It’s a serious accusation in a relationship.

OP - do you have history of being cheated on? Your reaction just seems so extreme in response to a flirty text from your boyfriend.

OrlandointheWilderness · 30/01/2022 11:49

I don't think it is the fact that you questioned it that is the problem, more the fact you immediately jumped to the stance that he was talking to someone else! You can't trust him that much if you think that after a few emojis. I'd be bloody offended if my BF did the same and it would make me question the whole relationship.

Original poster
wasiwrongtoask · 30/01/2022 11:50

No history of being cheated on but I do work with DA victims so perhaps that has influenced my response

OP posts:
KurtWilde · 30/01/2022 11:50

@wasiwrongtoask

Just for the record this is the first time I have questioned him about anything! I am not paranoid or controlling in any way, I am however direct
Being direct would be 'what was that message about?' Without alluding to him messaging other people.
Crikeyalmighty · 30/01/2022 11:55

I think this totally depends on the usual pattern of communicating. My H doesn’t use them at all— so if I got this I would think it was intended for someone else

Icouldabeenalawyer · 30/01/2022 11:55

I'd assume a hint to start off a sexting session...
The fact that you asked is not unreasonable, especially given it's out of character.
Maybe he got a bit embarrassed and that's why he was defensive?

Hshuznw · 30/01/2022 11:56

@Icouldabeenalawyer

I'd assume a hint to start off a sexting session... The fact that you asked is not unreasonable, especially given it's out of character. Maybe he got a bit embarrassed and that's why he was defensive?
Ask, completely fine.

Accuse of cheating, no.

AlDanvers · 30/01/2022 11:57

Honestly, I would be offended too. If I have to account for and explain a typp or every time I do something dp thought was unusual, I would get pissed off too.

I can't help wonder if this isn't the first time, you have done something similar. Made him feel he has done something wrong because you feel it's our of the ordinary.

AlDanvers · 30/01/2022 11:58

@Crikeyalmighty

I think this totally depends on the usual pattern of communicating. My H doesn’t use them at all— so if I got this I would think it was intended for someone else
Surely if you know he doesn't use them at all, your assumption wouldn't be that he was sending them to someone else. Because he doesn't use them at all.
Original poster
wasiwrongtoask · 30/01/2022 11:59

@AlDanvers no first time ever I have questioned him. I'm not clingy, possessive or jealous either!

OP posts:
OwlIceCrem · 30/01/2022 12:02

@WhyMeLord

Was there any mention of Stonehenge?
😂🤣
AlDanvers · 30/01/2022 12:02

[quote wasiwrongtoask]@AlDanvers no first time ever I have questioned him. I'm not clingy, possessive or jealous either![/quote]
I didn't say you had questioned him. Bit ita really not hard to pick up on someone's behaviour. The change of their mood or body language when something is mentioned for example, or plans are made etc.

You don't have to be jealous, posseive or clingy to also be suspicious.

Its not all as rosey as you make out, if you jump straight to cheating. Something is going on for you for this to be first thought.

CheesusWept · 30/01/2022 12:02

You said he’d been drinking - were his messages his usual up until that last one?

I’d have found it odd to receive a message like that in response to a good night text.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 30/01/2022 12:02

As opposed to asking if he was talking to someone else, you could have just asked why he sent you the emoji?

If you’d done something silly in random and this immediately triggered him asking if you were talking to someone else, wouldn’t you be offended? The zero to 60 nature of that would cause me, personally, to seriously question the relationship.

Loopytiles · 30/01/2022 12:07

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood makes good points.

It seems likely your suspicion was correct.

Also agree with PP that for you to have come to the suspicion of cheating - unless you have a history of not trusting boyfriends when there’s been little reason not to - perhaps other things about his behaviour had concerned you.

My sibling maintains that, unless people have a history of being overly suspicious without reason about people they’re dating, friends with, work with, neighbours, that suspicions they have about one person are often useful!

TheGreatATuin · 30/01/2022 12:13

This is a fascinating thread. Usually if a DP does something out of character, the advice is 'just ask him' usually with an eyeroll.
The OP did and he completely freaked out and is now acting like the relationship might be over over a question.
If I were OP, I'd also have just asked but I'd be very Hmm 🚩 at his reaction.

LittleWins · 30/01/2022 12:13

I would have felt accused & been defensive too.

Maybe he had nothing else to say. I lazily rely on emojis when sleepy/had too many drinks.

User310 · 30/01/2022 12:13

I disagree with every single one of the posts saying there is something wrong in the relationship to making you think cheating. I also disagree that wording it differently would mean something different.

If my DP sent me the same row of Emojis that the op received I would also ask if that was meant for me. I have never been sent anything like that before, he is very articulate and doesn’t faff on texts. I would find it out of character. Op has only been with her partner for a year, yes you would like to see the best in everybody and hope they wouldn’t cheat but statistically you are more likely to be cheated on than not and this was out of character. He has then been incredibly defensive and is basically saying the relationship is over?! That is madness.

If I asked my DP if he sent that to somebody else and he was just messing around he would reply something along the lines of ‘no you idiot’, and that would be the end of it.

Original poster
wasiwrongtoask · 30/01/2022 12:16

@LittleWins yes a lot of people do but it's out of the ordinary for him. I think it's the fact that it out of the ordinary and not his usual'pattern' of communication that made me question it

OP posts:
AlDanvers · 30/01/2022 12:17

@TheGreatATuin

This is a fascinating thread. Usually if a DP does something out of character, the advice is 'just ask him' usually with an eyeroll. The OP did and he completely freaked out and is now acting like the relationship might be over over a question. If I were OP, I'd also have just asked but I'd be very Hmm 🚩 at his reaction.
Asking why he sent it and asking if he was texting someone else are 2 separate things.

Often people are told not to confront if they are suspicious. But try and find more out first.