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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think mn are very intolerant/disrespectful on conservative values?

285 replies

makkapacca · 30/01/2022 09:09

Several threads have appeared on last several months over the sharing of bedrooms for posters adult children and partners. When a poster or her husband acknowledges they don't feel comfortable over this and want separate beds until marriage and mn gets up in arms over it blasting the latter as 'ridiculous' 'absurd' etc.

The poster or her husband will get bullied almost and be seen as an anti Christ. AIBU to think if people want to be conservative or have values different to our own that are not seriously harming anybody then that is fine and something posters should respect especially when it is the rules they set in their own house.

BTW I am not conservative or prudish by any means but aibu to think shaming and heckling people over being conservative and different to ourselves is bully like?

OP posts:
tigger1001 · 30/01/2022 12:59

Personally I don't have strong views one way or the other if someone doesn't want an unmarried couple sharing a bed in their home. I just wouldn't stay with them as after 20 years together and 2 children I would think it's odd. But it's their home.

Disagreeing with the view though doesn't make it bullying. It's just a difference of opinion.

RosesAndHellebores · 30/01/2022 13:00

I'm going to weigh in here as a 61 year old practicing Christian of dc who are 17 and 23. DD and her BF are also practicing Christians.

My mother 45/35/25 years ago would never, ever have allowed me to sleep with a partner to whom I was not married under her roof.

Times move on. When DS and GF were 17 he asked if GF could stay over. My response was yes, providing he and she could confirm her parents were happy with the arrangement and knew where she was. Total honesty all round requires. We are still on Xmas card terms with her parents years after they split up.

DD and her BF got together last spring. They were 22 and 24. Not an issue. Not sure how I'd have felt had they been 16/17.

My only rule was that I was only happy (and DH) if they brought partners with whom they were in proper relationships. Casual sex in our home would have been a no no.

RosesAndHellebores · 30/01/2022 13:00

DC are 27 and 23 not 17 and 23.

Original poster
makkapacca · 30/01/2022 13:02

Since when were the Conservative party bothered about conservative values?! I can take someone having conservative-with-a-small-C values, but to suggest that these are being demonstrated, protected and upheld by the present Conservative party is utter fantasy

i don't know if you are being obtuse here but when I said 'conservative party' I meant it in reference to the individual with conservative values in these threads who don't like couples sharing bed out of wedlock, not the actual conservative party.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 30/01/2022 13:07

mumsnet itself is just a platform, and aside from things legally classified as hatespeech etc and things they could get in legal trouble for, then its nothing to do with respecting or disrespecting. If you post an opinion on mumsnet, youll often be expected to back it up somewhat, and youll have people who agree with you and people that dont. An anonymous message board on a large free site isnt the place to get support and cuddles about the beliefs you hold about how other people should behave. Saying that, im sure there is a religious board here, so maybe if your views on your childrens pre-marital sex lives,. you might find more "support" for that point of view on there or another more specialised board.

You wouldnt expect to be able to shout your opinion in a crowded pub and have everyone agree with you, so why online?

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 30/01/2022 13:11

AIBU to think if people want to be conservative or have values different to our own that are not seriously harming anybody then that is fine

You (they) can do exactly what you want. Once you start asking for the opinion of others brace yourself for a mixed response.

If you can't take the answer, don't ask the question.

ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 30/01/2022 13:13

Are you new here? There are often threads where posters are concerned about their teens' bfs and/or gfs and they are told they should make it easier for them to have sex at home because they're definitely going to do it anyway

Letting them sleep in the same bed isn’t encouraging them to have sex, though. It may be facilitating, but it’s not encouraging.

Cuck00soup · 30/01/2022 13:13

Admittedly, It's semantics Makkapacca, but I would consider someone who objected to adult DC sharing a bedroom with their partners to be trying to uphold religious values, not conservative ones.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 30/01/2022 13:13

...and after 3 nights of shit sleep (and 10 yrs of marriage) I'd be happy to never share a bed with another human again. cats welcome 😻

LittleGwyneth · 30/01/2022 13:13

I find Mumsnet incredibly conservative in terms of alcohol, sex, drug use etc. But I think what you're experiencing here is just that you are in a genuine minority. Most people do not think it's normal to sleep in a different room from an adult partner with whom they are in a serious enough relationship to introduce to their parents. I don't understand the logic behind that choice, and I've been no real argument as to why anyone else would.

LittleGwyneth · 30/01/2022 13:15

@RosesAndHellebores what a sensible attitude. I imagine your children probably don't feel the need to keep secrets from you as a result of this. It's amazing to me that more parents can't emulate this.

Original poster
makkapacca · 30/01/2022 13:16

But I think what you're experiencing here is just that you are in a genuine minority

i don't agree with it though, i said that in my op.I said I think people should have the right to have their own views without being piled on.

OP posts:
ShinyHappyPoster · 30/01/2022 13:17

@ShallWeTalkAboutBruno

Are you new here? There are often threads where posters are concerned about their teens' bfs and/or gfs and they are told they should make it easier for them to have sex at home because they're definitely going to do it anyway

Letting them sleep in the same bed isn’t encouraging them to have sex, though. It may be facilitating, but it’s not encouraging.

I think you have missed the threads then. And since MN doesn't allow TAAT, I'm not going to give you more examples. But if you look, you will find them.
tigger1001 · 30/01/2022 13:21

@makkapacca

But I think what you're experiencing here is just that you are in a genuine minority

i don't agree with it though, i said that in my op.I said I think people should have the right to have their own views without being piled on.

But you are posting in what is essentially a debate forum.

Of course you are entitled to your views but when you post them online in a discussion forum people will comment. Otherwise what's the point in posting? Because if it's just to get people to agree with you I don't think posting online is the way to go.

Stravaig · 30/01/2022 13:21

I see the goalposts are being moved to teen sex, presumably because OP hasn't had the desired response.

One of the threads OP originally quotes from was about a mid-twenties son bringing his long-term boyfriend home for Christmas, and his father insisting on separate rooms for him and his love. Hopefully Mum valued the great advice she received on how to move with the times; how to stand up to her husband; how to put herself in the shoes of boyfriend, a barely welcome guest in a strange family at Christmas; and how to not add to the homophobic discrimination son and beau already experience.

If that was a challenging read for some people with 'conservative values' then perhaps they were long overdue for the challenge?

Mediocrates · 30/01/2022 13:22

@Waxonwaxoff0

I think telling your adult children what they can and can't do is ridiculous no matter what your values.
This sums it up for me. It's pretty controlling
Original poster
makkapacca · 30/01/2022 13:23

I see the goalposts are being moved to teen sex, presumably because OP hasn't had the desired response

and if you try to see harder you will see I wasn't the one who raised teen sex.

OP posts:
Mediocrates · 30/01/2022 13:23

@makkapacca None of the examples you give at the beginning of the thread are comparing anyone to an Antichrist. They're giving opinions and, in all honesty, they strike me as pretty reasonable.

hellcatspangle · 30/01/2022 13:24

@makkapacca

Can you give an example of bullying or treating someone as the Antichrist please
  1. What does making them sleep in separate rooms actually achieve other than making them feel like they’re about 15? They’re an adult couple. Ridiculous.
  1. I do think it’s ridiculous to make two consenting adults sleep in separate rooms when you know they are sharing a bed the rest of the time.

3.I think it would be ridiculous to make them sleep in different rooms.

4.This is one of the most ridiculous things I've seen on here. It was also ridiculous to make your dd's bf sleep in a separate room when she was 21. YABVU

5.They are 23 and 26! Sorry its complete madness! They have obviously share a bed regularly because they are couple, and some pretence of 'waiting till marriage' when they arent is bizarre

  1. They are 23 and 26! Sorry its complete madness! They have obviously share a bed regularly because they are couple, and some pretence of 'waiting till marriage' when they arent is bizarre
None of that is "treating someone like they're the anti christ". It's just having a different opinion.
Original poster
makkapacca · 30/01/2022 13:25

and how to not add to the homophobic discrimination son and beau already experience

it clearly stated on thread equal treatment was given to the daughter and her boyfriend in their hetro sexual relationship so again go and get your facts right before you come in with your inaccuracies.

OP posts:
Pedalpushers · 30/01/2022 13:30

@godmum56 so you believe that you have the right to demand anything of anyone who enters your home no matter what it is? Or do you believe that there are levels of acceptable behaviour, dictated by wider society, that we must adhere to and don't get thrown out as soon as someone happens to cross your threshold? For example, presumable you believe that you shouldn't be allowed to demand someone do something illegal in your home?

ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 30/01/2022 13:32

What it boils down to OP is that you are entitled to put into place whatever house rules you wan in your own house. As a consequence, your visitors are entitled to decide that they’d rather not visit based on those rules.
And if people ask for an opinion on their rules on a public forum, people are entitled to give their opinion on those rules.

kittymamma · 30/01/2022 13:33

Your original question was if MN is intolerant/disrespectful of conservative views, conservative views have fallen out of popularity, hence there are less people who agree with them as a general principle.

You are asking people to respect views that they don't feel are respectful. So a thread about a husband who works long hours and expects his wife to child-rear, cook, and clean is conservative in nature, but will not be respected by people who see this as exploitation and a lack of respect for his wife. If the view being shared seems disrespectful of another, why is that view entitled to more respect or tolerance because it is labeled "conservative"?

Going to your unmarried partners in a parents' house. Here we have conflicting views. The parents' show no regard for their adult-child's views and adult-child are expected to disregard their views in favour of their parents' views. Neither are unworthy of "respect", but as a parent, you can't then complain if the adult-child decides they would rather not stay than comply with rules they disagree with. Perfectly reasonable!

By asking in a public forum you are asking people to judge which they think is more unreasonable, you can't then call it bullying or a pile-on when the majority return with the same verdict. You seem to object to the ferociousness of some of the responses with words such as "ridiculous" or "outrageous", well, the internet brings out the Outrage Culture, very few actually feel that it is ridiculous or outrageous, but it sounds better than "I agree they are BU" or "I think your views are a little dated and unfair, YABU". To be fair, many posts are like this though, they just aren't as memorable.

Stravaig · 30/01/2022 13:35

@makkapacca

and how to not add to the homophobic discrimination son and beau already experience

it clearly stated on thread equal treatment was given to the daughter and her boyfriend in their hetro sexual relationship so again go and get your facts right before you come in with your inaccuracies.

Son and boyfriend in that thread experience homophobic discrimination in the world, every single day. Their situation is not remotely comparable to the normative heterosexual daughter and boyfriend who were also made to sleep apart on previous visits home. Failing to understand that is a huge problem. Additional to the controlling parental behaviour.
AgathaAllAlong · 30/01/2022 13:36

YABU. Almost always those types of threads are asking a question. If someone asked me, "Do you think I'm unreasonable to make my daughter and her boyfriend of 17 years sleep in a different room?" or "My son is no longer visiting me, do you think it's becuase him and the boyfriend he lives with can't share a room at ours?" then I will give them an honest answer. In my opinion it is ridiculous. That's not because I "disrespect" conversative values in general (although, I do actually disrespect some values that some people class as conservative). It's because I do find it ridiculius, and I've been asked.