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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think mn are very intolerant/disrespectful on conservative values?

285 replies

makkapacca · 30/01/2022 09:09

Several threads have appeared on last several months over the sharing of bedrooms for posters adult children and partners. When a poster or her husband acknowledges they don't feel comfortable over this and want separate beds until marriage and mn gets up in arms over it blasting the latter as 'ridiculous' 'absurd' etc.

The poster or her husband will get bullied almost and be seen as an anti Christ. AIBU to think if people want to be conservative or have values different to our own that are not seriously harming anybody then that is fine and something posters should respect especially when it is the rules they set in their own house.

BTW I am not conservative or prudish by any means but aibu to think shaming and heckling people over being conservative and different to ourselves is bully like?

OP posts:
KaptainKaveman · 30/01/2022 09:30

I have literally no idea what the OP is talking about !

JugglingJanuary · 30/01/2022 09:31

@makkapacca

Can you give an example of bullying or treating someone as the Antichrist please
  1. What does making them sleep in separate rooms actually achieve other than making them feel like they’re about 15? They’re an adult couple. Ridiculous.
  1. I do think it’s ridiculous to make two consenting adults sleep in separate rooms when you know they are sharing a bed the rest of the time.

3.I think it would be ridiculous to make them sleep in different rooms.

4.This is one of the most ridiculous things I've seen on here. It was also ridiculous to make your dd's bf sleep in a separate room when she was 21. YABVU

5.They are 23 and 26! Sorry its complete madness! They have obviously share a bed regularly because they are couple, and some pretence of 'waiting till marriage' when they arent is bizarre

  1. They are 23 and 26! Sorry its complete madness! They have obviously share a bed regularly because they are couple, and some pretence of 'waiting till marriage' when they arent is bizarre
That's not bullying!

AS has been said, just to remind you, MN is not a hive mind & posters are allowed their own opinion & others are allow to disagree. If you can't handle disagreeing I'd suggest MN isn't the best site for you.

Stookeen · 30/01/2022 09:32

@makkapacca

*Those are not examples of bullying whatsoever confused

They are in disagreement with the OP- they are opinions clearly at odds with the OP- you cannot call disagreement, even if plainly spoken, 'bullying'*

ok so if posters were using the same words to go against a woman saying she believed in no sex before marriage would you say it wasn't bullying or harsh?

It is incredibly disturbing that you see these two situations as in any way equivalent.

People get to decide what they do with their own bodies. I cannot imagine a situation on Mn where women were trying to coerce another woman to have sex she didn’t want.

KateTheShrew · 30/01/2022 09:32

@makkapacca

Can you give an example of bullying or treating someone as the Antichrist please
  1. What does making them sleep in separate rooms actually achieve other than making them feel like they’re about 15? They’re an adult couple. Ridiculous.
  1. I do think it’s ridiculous to make two consenting adults sleep in separate rooms when you know they are sharing a bed the rest of the time.

3.I think it would be ridiculous to make them sleep in different rooms.

4.This is one of the most ridiculous things I've seen on here. It was also ridiculous to make your dd's bf sleep in a separate room when she was 21. YABVU

5.They are 23 and 26! Sorry its complete madness! They have obviously share a bed regularly because they are couple, and some pretence of 'waiting till marriage' when they arent is bizarre

  1. They are 23 and 26! Sorry its complete madness! They have obviously share a bed regularly because they are couple, and some pretence of 'waiting till marriage' when they arent is bizarre
I don't think any of these examples constitute bullying.

These are people giving their opinions in a thread where (I'm guessing) opinions on this issue were sought.

JugglingJanuary · 30/01/2022 09:33

@makkapacca

*Those are not examples of bullying whatsoever confused

They are in disagreement with the OP- they are opinions clearly at odds with the OP- you cannot call disagreement, even if plainly spoken, 'bullying'*

ok so if posters were using the same words to go against a woman saying she believed in no sex before marriage would you say it wasn't bullying or harsh?

That's a ridiculous comparison.
CandyLeBonBon · 30/01/2022 09:33

By 'conservative opinions' do you also mean 'prejudiced notions of hetero-normative purity'? Sadly, 'conservative values' often include racial prejudice, homophobia, sexism, ageism and other unpleasant beliefs that are actually very damaging.

Believe what you want but don't expect others to agree with you.

I'm more interested in why you think those values are important?

LumosSolem · 30/01/2022 09:34

@makkapacca

*Those are not examples of bullying whatsoever confused

They are in disagreement with the OP- they are opinions clearly at odds with the OP- you cannot call disagreement, even if plainly spoken, 'bullying'*

ok so if posters were using the same words to go against a woman saying she believed in no sex before marriage would you say it wasn't bullying or harsh?

Mumsnet is generally very supportive of women so if a woman were saying it was her own CHOICE to not have sex before marriage they would support her and her own bodily autonomy to make the best decision for herself.

It is not the same situation at all.

Thatsplentyjack · 30/01/2022 09:34

No sex before marriage is a ridiculous rule to have, so fortunately they are unreasonable.

Original poster
makkapacca · 30/01/2022 09:34

An adult not in the relationship wants to stop 2 people sleeping together is the same as 1 person not wanting to sleep with another person

I am saying people are entitled to have their values that are not harming anybody and have them carried out in their own house if that's what they want. Every mn user will have policies/rules/principles they use to govern their lives/houses and that is their prerogative, they shouldn't be called 'mad' or 'ridiculous' for it.

OP posts:
Thatsplentyjack · 30/01/2022 09:36

ok so if posters were using the same words to go against a woman saying she believed in no sex before marriage would you say it wasn't bullying or harsh?

No because that would be her own decision. No one should be making decisions about anyone else's sex life.

Tal45 · 30/01/2022 09:36

@makkapacca

Can you give an example of bullying or treating someone as the Antichrist please
  1. What does making them sleep in separate rooms actually achieve other than making them feel like they’re about 15? They’re an adult couple. Ridiculous.
  1. I do think it’s ridiculous to make two consenting adults sleep in separate rooms when you know they are sharing a bed the rest of the time.

3.I think it would be ridiculous to make them sleep in different rooms.

4.This is one of the most ridiculous things I've seen on here. It was also ridiculous to make your dd's bf sleep in a separate room when she was 21. YABVU

5.They are 23 and 26! Sorry its complete madness! They have obviously share a bed regularly because they are couple, and some pretence of 'waiting till marriage' when they arent is bizarre

  1. They are 23 and 26! Sorry its complete madness! They have obviously share a bed regularly because they are couple, and some pretence of 'waiting till marriage' when they arent is bizarre
If you don't want people to disagree with you then probably best not to ask questions on MN. No ones being treated like the antichrist by any of those statements.
LumosSolem · 30/01/2022 09:36

@makkapacca

An adult not in the relationship wants to stop 2 people sleeping together is the same as 1 person not wanting to sleep with another person

I am saying people are entitled to have their values that are not harming anybody and have them carried out in their own house if that's what they want. Every mn user will have policies/rules/principles they use to govern their lives/houses and that is their prerogative, they shouldn't be called 'mad' or 'ridiculous' for it.

My opinion is that is does cause harm to dictate how your adult children can behave and using the 'my house, my rules' card actually makes the person saying that quite mean and controlling (particularly in the age where it is becoming harder and harder for young people to own their own home).
RedToothBrush · 30/01/2022 09:37

I actually think mn is pretty balanced.

Where the problem is that parents might have conservative values and they expect their children to share them in an authoritarian manner.

That I think its important to point out the pitfalls of doing that, and to perhaps take a different tact over how you say 'my house, my rules' to your kids. There is a difference between saying 'you must not do this and don't you dare do it in my house' to 'these are my views, you may feel differently and do differently on your time/space but i would ask you to be respectful of how i feel at my house and act accordingly'.

Its not necessarily about the views themselves but the respect for others having different views.

I find 'progressives' can be as intolerant as hardline conservatives and ultimately its people trying to force their views and way of life on others, is the thing that leads to conflict in life generally - not just on MN.

MN tends to reflect that, which is both healthy and reflective of the uk as a whole.

LumosSolem · 30/01/2022 09:37

Oh and my opinion does not make me a bully.

ChiefInspectorParker · 30/01/2022 09:38

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Gardengates · 30/01/2022 09:38

I'll be honest OP, the things I am taking away from this are

a) You think that the values of a parent should outweigh the values of their adult children
b) You think that people strongly disagreeing with your view are bullying you.

I for one am happy that so many people here disagree with conservative views. It gives me hope for the future.

WomanStanleyWoman · 30/01/2022 09:38

No one is obliged to respect anyone else’s views. The right to have a different view, yes. The view itself, no. You are an adult who chooses to express their view on a public forum. If you don’t want to hear opinions on it, don’t share it.

I can imagine the reaction if a poster came on to say her boyfriend was angry she wouldn't sleep with him until after marriage. He'd be the one hung and rightly so.

So basically you’re trying to compare someone trying to push their partner into sexual activity with someone trying to control the sexual behaviour of two consenting adults? A weak argument at best and a downright offensive one at worst.

anon12345678901 · 30/01/2022 09:38

I don't get it. I don't see bullying and those views seem more religious than conservative. Thing is, it's one thing if one of the people in the relationship wanted to save themselves for marriage, but it's not a parents place to decide that. Your child's sex life has absolutely nothing to do with you and you should not try to force your views onto your children.

Tal45 · 30/01/2022 09:39

@makkapacca

An adult not in the relationship wants to stop 2 people sleeping together is the same as 1 person not wanting to sleep with another person

I am saying people are entitled to have their values that are not harming anybody and have them carried out in their own house if that's what they want. Every mn user will have policies/rules/principles they use to govern their lives/houses and that is their prerogative, they shouldn't be called 'mad' or 'ridiculous' for it.

Saying they think a behaviour is madness and calling someone mad are completely different things.
disco82 · 30/01/2022 09:39

@makkapacca

An adult not in the relationship wants to stop 2 people sleeping together is the same as 1 person not wanting to sleep with another person

I am saying people are entitled to have their values that are not harming anybody and have them carried out in their own house if that's what they want. Every mn user will have policies/rules/principles they use to govern their lives/houses and that is their prerogative, they shouldn't be called 'mad' or 'ridiculous' for it.

If you put 'house rules' over the freedom of adults to choose their sleeping arrangements at night, and their comfort, that's control, not values. Because you're forcing your values on someone else who clearly doesn't believe them. All it will do is cause friction between you and DC and not actually change anything about how you or they live their life. They're just going to become reluctant to visit as much. So at some point you need to ask yourself what is the point of these 'rules'?
Sciurus83 · 30/01/2022 09:39

OP- AIBU?
MN- Yes
OP- You're all wrong! You must not have understood....
MN- Still, yes.

DirectionToPerfection · 30/01/2022 09:40

ok so if posters were using the same words to go against a woman saying she believed in no sex before marriage would you say it wasn't bullying or harsh?

What are you talking about?

Any threads about women feeling pressured into sex are very supportive of the woman, whatever her reasons. Can you show examples of how the MN 'hive' have insulted a woman for not having sex?

Onionpatch · 30/01/2022 09:40

I agree with Madamswearsalot that people do feel safe if they see a few responses that fit with their own view and are happy to post the same and it is brave to then say the opposite if thats what you believe.
As for conservative values - im not actually sure what they are!

HacerSonarSusPasos · 30/01/2022 09:41

@DropYourSword

Probably because "conservative values" are themselves often intolerant and disrespectful
This. Also, if you look closely at conservative values you'll most ofter find lots of sexism and bigotry bundled up in there.

I've got no patience for that.

WaterBottle123 · 30/01/2022 09:41

I didn't think conservatives HAD values other than increasing child poverty and giving PPE contracts to their mates...