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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think mn are very intolerant/disrespectful on conservative values?

285 replies

makkapacca · 30/01/2022 09:09

Several threads have appeared on last several months over the sharing of bedrooms for posters adult children and partners. When a poster or her husband acknowledges they don't feel comfortable over this and want separate beds until marriage and mn gets up in arms over it blasting the latter as 'ridiculous' 'absurd' etc.

The poster or her husband will get bullied almost and be seen as an anti Christ. AIBU to think if people want to be conservative or have values different to our own that are not seriously harming anybody then that is fine and something posters should respect especially when it is the rules they set in their own house.

BTW I am not conservative or prudish by any means but aibu to think shaming and heckling people over being conservative and different to ourselves is bully like?

OP posts:
shinynewapple22 · 30/01/2022 15:36

I think the problem with this is that if you ask for other people's views on something, you have to accept that they will respond from their own point of view .

SunshineOnKeith · 30/01/2022 15:39

@makkapacca

If she doesn't want to have sex before marriage, thats fine, HER BODY HER CHOICE

likewise HIS/HER HOUSE , HIS/HER CHOICE

Absolutely. And if the upshot of that is a distant relationship with the adult children you've made to feel unwelcome, then that's simply a natural consequence
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 30/01/2022 15:41

again this is side stepping the issue, my point was that many posters here seem so proactive in that people are allowed to have their own beliefs/values/freedom etc yet heckle those who carry different values to their own.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion. But that doesn't mean that opinion needs to be respected or agreed with.

SunshineOnKeith · 30/01/2022 15:42

@makkapacca

but there is a core of very vocal posters who constantly act as though it's fine for teens to have partners to stay over; that parents should encourage their teens to have sex under their roof; that all teens are sexually active from a young age and that's a positive

yea the threads where it's acceptable for 14-15 year olds to share beds is acceptable as'' they will do it anyway'' are just the lowest. If men on an internet forum were saying the same about their kids they'd be called paedophiles or enabling sex between miners etc.

I think miners are as entitled to sex as any other employment group.

Can you link to these threads where room sharing between opposite sex teens is encouraged please @makkapacca ?
I've not seen any Confused

SunshineOnKeith · 30/01/2022 15:45

@makkapacca

The examples you posted were not rude, crass bullying or gaslighting in the slightest

only they are though and if our partners were to speak to us like this or we heard children saying similar we'd not be happy.

Please describe how those views are gaslighting @makkapacca ? Gaslighting is a very specific type of emotional abuse. I'm interested as to how it can be enacted in an internet discussion thread
godmum56 · 30/01/2022 15:51

[quote Pedalpushers]@godmum56 it's not actually, as it was you who said you live your life by the motto of my house my rules, and that should be respected, so I was logically asking to what extent you believe that...extends, as it is crucial to the debate of whether or not it is possible to set house rules that are unreasonable and not worthy of respect and whether this might apply to the examples being used on this thread. You haven't actually engaged with anything of substance.[/quote]
yup...reductio ad absurdam....and as I keep saying I am supporting the principle.

Curiousmouse · 30/01/2022 15:57

I think we see plenty of conservative values because of the amount of active Tories (or bits) invading the boards. What we are seeing these days especially of conservative values also is not edifying. And really, really not set to improve, with people like Sunak and Gove as back up.

Curiousmouse · 30/01/2022 15:58

Misread thread title.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 30/01/2022 15:59

@makkapacca

Oh come on. No one says people should be encouraging their teens to have sex under their roof. What would that even look like

iIve seen threads like this, the same threads think it is unreasonable to have ground rules for 15 year olds as if you don't allow them to do exactly what they want you will lose them forever. Bloody bonkers logic-you are their parent, NOT their friend. You aren't there to bow to their every want-you are in authority and you are to set the rules.

OP can you see the hypocrisy in objecting to others using words like 'ridiculous' whilst being happy to say other's logic is bloody bonkers?
Doubleraspberry · 30/01/2022 17:18

@makkapacca I’m not side stepping in the slightest. I asked you a thoughtful question earlier in this thread which you have entirely ignored, asking you what terms you would consider appropriate. Given that the words you find so objection appear mild to the rest of us, it would be helpful to understand what you consider reasonable debate to be, particular as your own tone is not temperate.

CandyLeBonBon · 30/01/2022 17:57

@makkapacca

Oh come on. No one says people should be encouraging their teens to have sex under their roof. What would that even look like

iIve seen threads like this, the same threads think it is unreasonable to have ground rules for 15 year olds as if you don't allow them to do exactly what they want you will lose them forever. Bloody bonkers logic-you are their parent, NOT their friend. You aren't there to bow to their every want-you are in authority and you are to set the rules.

Oh the irony! You think it's rude to call someone 'ridiculous' but it's ok for you to refer to someone else's logic as 'bloody bonkers'

What a hypocrite!

QueBarbaridad · 30/01/2022 18:03

The words ‘ridiculous’ and ‘madness’ are over the top in those examples, but I wouldn’t call them bullying or gaslighting.

I do, however find that there’s a narrow-minded, self-righteousness in some of the feminists claiming anti-sex means anti-women. I understand that ‘free love’ goes back a long way, but Edwardian feminists wanted votes for women and chastity for men. Feminists in Muslim countries have fought for monogamy not polyandry. I just find the dogmatism tiresome.
I have noticed that the voting on here can sometimes be more conservative leaning than the comments.

nitsandwormsdodger · 30/01/2022 19:07

My opinion
Anyone who does not believe in sex before marriage is a bible bashing loon and if you impose that shite on your adult children you are a fool of the highest order. No harm ever came from consenting adults enjoying a safe sex fuck . A lot of harm comes from repression , up tightness and trying to control all the evil that is in the world by controlling healthy adult sexual desires
If you vote conservative you are not a nice person who cares much for the welfare of vulnerable people or the planet , I will be unlikely to have much in common with you

You’re welcome to disagree with me and try to pursuade me otherwise ... I am listening and open minded to what you have to say in the matters ....

WomanStanleyWoman · 30/01/2022 23:13

Just a thought…

to think mn are very intolerant/disrespectful on conservative values?
PugInTheHouse · 30/01/2022 23:53

I think its often the opposite on MN, it seems that if you do not micro manage your DCs and ensure that until they are 20 they are home by 9pm with lights off and phones outside their rooms by 10 you are irresponsible. I find MM full of this sort of thing.

QueBarbaridad · 31/01/2022 06:20

Forty years ago putting your adult child’s lover in a separate room wouldn’t have said anything about your religion or even your view of sex before marriage. Sex was a private matter.

Cuck00soup · 31/01/2022 07:45

Poster AIBU?

Mumsnet yes.

Poster But you’re bullying me.

Mumsnet we disagree with you. That’s not bullying (or gaslighting).

Poster But I’m a man. You can’t say no to me.

Mumsnet rolls eyes to back of head. Plus ca change.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 31/01/2022 08:13

If I was visiting my parents or a friend's home and they wouldn't let me, an adult, share a room with my partner then I wouldnt be staying again. Which would probably limit our visits and damage the overall relationship due to this wedge that they have driven.

So yes I would always respect someone's view and wouldn't force things to go my way, but I absolutely will not put myself in that position more than once.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 31/01/2022 08:48

@nitsandwormsdodger

My opinion Anyone who does not believe in sex before marriage is a bible bashing loon and if you impose that shite on your adult children you are a fool of the highest order. No harm ever came from consenting adults enjoying a safe sex fuck . A lot of harm comes from repression , up tightness and trying to control all the evil that is in the world by controlling healthy adult sexual desires If you vote conservative you are not a nice person who cares much for the welfare of vulnerable people or the planet , I will be unlikely to have much in common with you

You’re welcome to disagree with me and try to pursuade me otherwise ... I am listening and open minded to what you have to say in the matters ....

I think the prison system, the benefits bill might be a clue that, 'No harm comes from sex'. A large percentage of inmates come from broken homes, the benefits bill is self-explanatory. STI, every yr 374 million people are infected. Sex isn't either free nor does it avoid an obligation to the other and oneself. Now as a younger adult, I too, was carefree now as an older adult with a family and responsibilities being conservative decreases my personal and familial liabilities as I take fewer risks.
Cornettoninja · 31/01/2022 08:50

@Cuck00soup

Poster AIBU?

Mumsnet yes.

Poster But you’re bullying me.

Mumsnet we disagree with you. That’s not bullying (or gaslighting).

Poster But I’m a man. You can’t say no to me.

Mumsnet rolls eyes to back of head. Plus ca change.

Thanks for the tl/dr Grin
OfstedOffred · 31/01/2022 08:54

I think telling your adult children what they can and can't do is ridiculous no matter what your values.

This. The fact that you gave birth to someone over 18 years ago doesnt entitle you to impose values on them for their entire adult life.

That said, you can have whatever rules you want under your own roof, although it seems rather pointless (for example) making a cohabiting adult couple sleep in separate rooms because they havent legalised their partnership Confused

ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 31/01/2022 08:57

That said, you can have whatever rules you want under your own roof, although it seems rather pointless (for example) making a cohabiting adult couple sleep in separate rooms because they havent legalised their partnership confused

Exactly this.
I respect views that are based in logic. This is entirely illogical. If a couple decides never to marry, does that mean they can never share a bed when visiting parents?

CoilWatershed · 31/01/2022 09:59

@QueBarbaridad

Forty years ago putting your adult child’s lover in a separate room wouldn’t have said anything about your religion or even your view of sex before marriage. Sex was a private matter.
This is not forty years ago.
pointythings · 31/01/2022 10:15

Hrpuffnstuff1 that's a massive and ott bit of a reach there. You're saying that unmarried adults having sex causes people to end up in prison? You're completely missing out the underlying cause of people ending up in broken homes, addiction, the prison system - poverty. And that's not to do with unmarried sex, it's to do with capitalism.

Conservative values are a contributing cause when it comes to poverty because fiscal conservatism doesn't accept that some people need help for very valid reasons.

onlychildhamster · 31/01/2022 10:24

I think that maybe religious parents who do this are quite new to their kids dating. My MIL is orthodox Jewish and her rule initially was that my husband and his ex girlfriend had separate rooms when she stayed over (sofa bed in the reception room). My DH was 20 so was definitely an adult at that time. She gradually lightened up as she realized her son was sexually active and I never had my own room though to be fair I was engaged when I was staying over though we weren't married Jewishly (and still aren't cos I only finished my conversion during the pandemic and we can't have our Jewish marriage yet due to my overseas parents).

Her daughter also stayed with her bf before marrying. She once told me stuff like sex before marriage is not as bad as not eating kosher food or breaking shabbat though I think that is her personal view.