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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think mn are very intolerant/disrespectful on conservative values?

285 replies

makkapacca · 30/01/2022 09:09

Several threads have appeared on last several months over the sharing of bedrooms for posters adult children and partners. When a poster or her husband acknowledges they don't feel comfortable over this and want separate beds until marriage and mn gets up in arms over it blasting the latter as 'ridiculous' 'absurd' etc.

The poster or her husband will get bullied almost and be seen as an anti Christ. AIBU to think if people want to be conservative or have values different to our own that are not seriously harming anybody then that is fine and something posters should respect especially when it is the rules they set in their own house.

BTW I am not conservative or prudish by any means but aibu to think shaming and heckling people over being conservative and different to ourselves is bully like?

OP posts:
ShinyHappyPoster · 30/01/2022 13:41

I think this thread is quite a good example of the phenomenon actually. You were clear about your meaning. Posters have extrapolated out to other examples so they can pretend you're being 'more' UR. Posters have equated conservatism with the Conservative Party. And posters have accused you of making the posts I did.

There isn't any space for respectful discussion of conservative views on MN and MN has no desire to moderate threads that descend into abuse about beliefs and religion if those beliefs and religion are Christian. It's one of the areas where intolerance and lack of respect for the Equalities Act is encouraged. You'll also see it around any date that is important in the Christian calendar too. Without fail there will be a bigoted thread on those dates.

It's interesting because it creates a skewed view of the general public's views. It's also like a prototype for trying to stifle debate and impose self-silencing behaviour. The responses are often akin to bullying. It's not the same as disagreeing. And posters are savvy enough to know the difference no matter how much they pretend they can't tell.

HashtagSexy · 30/01/2022 13:43

Your beliefs and values shouldn't be forced into anyone else. Have them, sure. Ask that they be followed in your home, but don't be surprised if they're not followed to the letter by people who aren't signed up to the same set

MNHQ
HebeMumsnet · 30/01/2022 13:51

Afternoon, everyone. Could we ask that we keep this thread to general discussion? If it becomes too much about one or more other specific threads we might have to take it down.

Thanks! Gin

Original poster
makkapacca · 30/01/2022 13:53

Son and boyfriend in that thread experience homophobic discrimination in the world, every single day. Their situation is not remotely comparable to the normative heterosexual daughter and boyfriend who were also made to sleep apart on previous visits home. Failing to understand that is a huge problem. Additional to the controlling parental behaviour

again homophobia in the world has nothing to do with a father who has conservative sleeping habits in his own home, if he does it to the daughter it is only equal and the equality the gay son gets it. I say that as a gay man.

OP posts:
Stravaig · 30/01/2022 13:54

@HebeMumsnet

Afternoon, everyone. Could we ask that we keep this thread to general discussion? If it becomes too much about one or more other specific threads we might have to take it down.

Thanks! Gin

Sorry, I think that's been me, among others. I was wondering how it worked, where the lines were. Now I know! Thank you x
Original poster
makkapacca · 30/01/2022 14:03

It's also like a prototype for trying to stifle debate and impose self-silencing behaviour. The responses are often akin to bullying. It's not the same as disagreeing. And posters are savvy enough to know the difference no matter how much they pretend they can't tell

this. It irks me when posters saying the 'disagreeing' I posted were reasonable or respectable when it wasn't. Disagreeing is fine as is debate but the examples I posted were not that, they were crude and harsh akin to bullying and even gaslighting.

OP posts:
Doubleraspberry · 30/01/2022 14:13

MN isn’t compulsory for anyone. If you find the company unpleasant, you can simply not post. Not that disagreement isn’t healthy and welcome but some of the posters on here seem to find the tone of the site simply awful.

WabbitsAndWeasels · 30/01/2022 14:14

At what age should adult children be allowed to share with non married partners though? What if they've been in a relationship for the last decade but have zero intention to ever marry? Would they forevermore have to sleep in separate rooms unlike their married siblings?

The responses you posted (I've been following the thread but am at work) were blunt and to the point but not crude, gaslighting or bullying. Now if the same poster came back time and again and angrily talked down the the poster like a child I could see it but they were essentially the same comment phrased differently.

pointythings · 30/01/2022 14:16

Disagreeing is fine as is debate but the examples I posted were not that, they were crude and harsh akin to bullying and even gaslighting.

Sorry, but no. Describing something as 'ridiculous' is not crude or harsh. Describing it as 'bizarre' is not crude or harsh. I think you may be a little too sensitive for the AIBU board.

Gaslighting is a different thing altogether and not remotely anything to do with the responses you have quoted.

In the wider scheme of things, social conservatism is a minority view these days. You're right, most people do not respect those views - but people who hold them will just have to live with that, because they are not entitled to have their views respected. They're entitled to hold those views, but putting them out there online will lead to some opinions being robustly expressed, i.e. by using the word 'ridiculous'.

Any actual bullying on those threads can be reported to MN, but I very much doubt that any of the posts you quoted would be deleted because they are not rude, crude, harsh or offensive.

Original poster
makkapacca · 30/01/2022 14:17

MN isn’t compulsory for anyone. If you find the company unpleasant, you can simply not post. Not that disagreement isn’t healthy and welcome but some of the posters on here seem to find the tone of the site simply awful

again this is side stepping the issue, my point was that many posters here seem so proactive in that people are allowed to have their own beliefs/values/freedom etc yet heckle those who carry different values to their own.

OP posts:
tigger1001 · 30/01/2022 14:20

@makkapacca

It's also like a prototype for trying to stifle debate and impose self-silencing behaviour. The responses are often akin to bullying. It's not the same as disagreeing. And posters are savvy enough to know the difference no matter how much they pretend they can't tell

this. It irks me when posters saying the 'disagreeing' I posted were reasonable or respectable when it wasn't. Disagreeing is fine as is debate but the examples I posted were not that, they were crude and harsh akin to bullying and even gaslighting.

The examples you posted were not rude, crass bullying or gaslighting in the slightest.
MrFsAunt · 30/01/2022 14:22

Well as we speak I'm being very quiet as my 17 yr old DS and his GF aren't awake yet. I'd much rather they stayed together last night under our roof than end up who knows where.

They're both sensible & intelligent, studying for their A-levels, oh and head -over- heels in first love too; it's beautiful to see.

None of us believe in a vengeful sky fairly about to strike them down so all is good.

I don't force my views on anyone, and I'm disappointed when that's not reciprocated tbh.

Original poster
makkapacca · 30/01/2022 14:23

The examples you posted were not rude, crass bullying or gaslighting in the slightest

only they are though and if our partners were to speak to us like this or we heard children saying similar we'd not be happy.

OP posts:
AgathaAllAlong · 30/01/2022 14:28

I'm sorry but my partner does use the word ridiculous to describe things I say which are ridiculous.

godmum56 · 30/01/2022 14:30

[quote Pedalpushers]@godmum56 so you believe that you have the right to demand anything of anyone who enters your home no matter what it is? Or do you believe that there are levels of acceptable behaviour, dictated by wider society, that we must adhere to and don't get thrown out as soon as someone happens to cross your threshold? For example, presumable you believe that you shouldn't be allowed to demand someone do something illegal in your home?[/quote]
straw man.....also known as reductio ad absurdam

Fearnyleaves · 30/01/2022 14:31

@makkapacca

The examples you posted were not rude, crass bullying or gaslighting in the slightest

only they are though and if our partners were to speak to us like this or we heard children saying similar we'd not be happy.

What!? You have a very low bar if you take offence to someone speaking to you like this. Suggest this is a you problem rather than everyone else.
roarfeckingroarr · 30/01/2022 14:36

I just want to know why we shouldn't be enabling "miners" to have sex. After a hard day's graft, why shouldn't they have a decent evening 😁

ABitBesottedWithMyDog · 30/01/2022 14:37

Conservative party values, like letting children starve, deporting immigrant spouses/children of British citizens, stealing billions from the strained public purse to line your own pockets...?

Why would anyone respect those values?

Labour are exactly the same, mind.

ABitBesottedWithMyDog · 30/01/2022 14:39

If talking about Christian values specifically, I agree it's fuzzier. People who wouldn't openly belittle Islam tend to be quite comfortable slagging off the C of E.

MrFsAunt · 30/01/2022 14:40

@roarfeckingroarr

I just want to know why we shouldn't be enabling "miners" to have sex. After a hard day's graft, why shouldn't they have a decent evening 😁
Grin
tigger1001 · 30/01/2022 14:41

@makkapacca

The examples you posted were not rude, crass bullying or gaslighting in the slightest

only they are though and if our partners were to speak to us like this or we heard children saying similar we'd not be happy.

Only they are not though.

I suggest you learn what they mean. Especially gaslighting. I have been on the receiving end of that, and these posts are most definitely not that.

What they were examples of is people disagreeing with another poster. And that is actually ok. Life is full of people who disagree with others opinions.

pointythings · 30/01/2022 14:46

@makkapacca

The examples you posted were not rude, crass bullying or gaslighting in the slightest

only they are though and if our partners were to speak to us like this or we heard children saying similar we'd not be happy.

Not me, but then I'm not a little delicate flower. My children (well, they're adults now) calling out something ridiculous I said by telling me it's ridiculous is fine, as long as they can back it up. It's not rude.

And 'only they are though' makes you sound like you're about 5.

Original poster
makkapacca · 30/01/2022 14:48

If talking about Christian values specifically, I agree it's fuzzier. People who wouldn't openly belittle Islam tend to be quite comfortable slagging off the C of E

same way it's fine to lecture smokers, drinkers or drug users but not those who abuse food by overeating it.

OP posts:
tigger1001 · 30/01/2022 14:52

And actually I don't need or expect my partner or my children to agree with me 100% of the time. I don't agree with them sometimes. We have discussions and debates around whatever subject it is but we don't need the other to end it be agreeing.

In the 20 years I've been with my partner we agree most of the time on things but there are some big things we do disagree on. We respect each other's opinions though and can debate it without having to have one concede to the others view.

Pedalpushers · 30/01/2022 15:00

@godmum56 it's not actually, as it was you who said you live your life by the motto of my house my rules, and that should be respected, so I was logically asking to what extent you believe that...extends, as it is crucial to the debate of whether or not it is possible to set house rules that are unreasonable and not worthy of respect and whether this might apply to the examples being used on this thread. You haven't actually engaged with anything of substance.