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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think mn are very intolerant/disrespectful on conservative values?

285 replies

makkapacca · 30/01/2022 09:09

Several threads have appeared on last several months over the sharing of bedrooms for posters adult children and partners. When a poster or her husband acknowledges they don't feel comfortable over this and want separate beds until marriage and mn gets up in arms over it blasting the latter as 'ridiculous' 'absurd' etc.

The poster or her husband will get bullied almost and be seen as an anti Christ. AIBU to think if people want to be conservative or have values different to our own that are not seriously harming anybody then that is fine and something posters should respect especially when it is the rules they set in their own house.

BTW I am not conservative or prudish by any means but aibu to think shaming and heckling people over being conservative and different to ourselves is bully like?

OP posts:
Original poster
makkapacca · 30/01/2022 12:31

but there is a core of very vocal posters who constantly act as though it's fine for teens to have partners to stay over; that parents should encourage their teens to have sex under their roof; that all teens are sexually active from a young age and that's a positive

yea the threads where it's acceptable for 14-15 year olds to share beds is acceptable as'' they will do it anyway'' are just the lowest. If men on an internet forum were saying the same about their kids they'd be called paedophiles or enabling sex between miners etc.

OP posts:
toppkatz · 30/01/2022 12:33

Depends what you mean by adult children though, doesn't it?

A couple in their 20's/30's in a long-term relationship who live together and have come to stay with you would be a completely different kettle of fish to a 19-year-old who still lives at home and wants their bf/gf to stay over.

In any case, MN is not, as others have already pointed out, a hive mind, and some people (the keyboard warrior type) come on here looking for an argument or to cause a bunfight just for the sake of it. That's the internet for you.

Blossomtoes · 30/01/2022 12:33

Haven’t miners always had sex? If they hadn’t I wouldn’t be here.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 30/01/2022 12:34

@makkapacca

Mumsnet isn’t a hive mind. Lots of users, lots of different opinions

and yet threads like this will have an overwhelming hive mind and it's a race ton shame and hang the conservative party. I can imagine the reaction if a poster came on to say her boyfriend was angry she wouldn't sleep with him until after marriage. He'd be the one hung and rightly so.

Comparing pressurising someone into sex with attempts to control the decisions other adults have consensually made is more than a bit daft.
ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 30/01/2022 12:34

@Blossomtoes

Haven’t miners always had sex? If they hadn’t I wouldn’t be here.
This made me laugh Grin
Pedalpushers · 30/01/2022 12:35

So if it's the rule in my house that you must immediately upon entry strip naked, that's a reasonable rule for me to have and you should respect it? Or is it a batshit and unreasonable rule?

Original poster
makkapacca · 30/01/2022 12:36

Oh come on. No one says people should be encouraging their teens to have sex under their roof. What would that even look like

iIve seen threads like this, the same threads think it is unreasonable to have ground rules for 15 year olds as if you don't allow them to do exactly what they want you will lose them forever. Bloody bonkers logic-you are their parent, NOT their friend. You aren't there to bow to their every want-you are in authority and you are to set the rules.

OP posts:
Original poster
makkapacca · 30/01/2022 12:38

So if it's the rule in my house that you must immediately upon entry strip naked, that's a reasonable rule for me to have and you should respect it

not comparable to the view on separate beds before marriage, stop twisting things.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 30/01/2022 12:39

@Pedalpushers

So if it's the rule in my house that you must immediately upon entry strip naked, that's a reasonable rule for me to have and you should respect it? Or is it a batshit and unreasonable rule?
doesn't matter what you think....if you want to come into my house you follow my rules, if not don't come.
Daenerys77 · 30/01/2022 12:40

I think sex between miners is fine provided that they do it in a cage.

godmum56 · 30/01/2022 12:40

@Tattler2

I would not take the older child's gift money. Instead, I would make him do chores to earn the money to replace the item. Earning the money forces him to connect his actions with responsibility and outcomes. Losing money that was gifted to you is not likely to have as much of a learning impact as losing money that you had to earn.

If the item were a particularly costly item, I might expect him to earn a percentage of the cost. When minor children cause damages, replacement costs usually falls on the parent, but the child should have an age appropriate obligation to help mitigate the cost.

This is in no way a step issue; this should simply be the way that any child is taught about actions and consequences.

is this rthe right thread?
Original poster
makkapacca · 30/01/2022 12:42

is this rthe right thread

likely not but it's still pretty relevant.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 30/01/2022 12:43

@LumosSolem

Do you think that its reasonable for visitors to make judgements over what is reasonable or acceptable to do in other people's houses?

Yes actually, I think it's entirely reasonable for people to make judgements over what someone says is reasonable or acceptable to do in their home 😁 we make judgements on other people's opinions the whole time.

Making a judgement isn't the same as wilfully ignoring it or being disrespectful to another person in their home. And of course, it's simple, don't like what someone's house rules then don't visit. Does it ever really have to be so dictatorial with you- do polite requests not work? It sounds particularly hostile tbh.

you can make all the judgements you like but if you want to enter the house you still have to comply with the rules.....and again I am discussing the principle of the situation.
NightmareSlashDelightful · 30/01/2022 12:45

OP you keep allowing yourself to get diverted away from your original topic, which was regarding adult children. Of course it's different for teenagers under the age of consent, because there are legal and guardianship aspects to this situation which aren't relevant when the 'children' in question are 21 and 23, for example.

Cuck00soup · 30/01/2022 12:46

Is this about conservative values or religion? Small C conservative values, like saving for things, getting actively involved in the local community, raising children to be well behaved and having respect for law and order often include a healthy dose of scepticism about religion.

People with conservative values might go to the church fete in their best hat, but they don't necessarily believe in the virgin birth.

In truth, only a small percentage of adults alive today were still virgins when they got married. The reason most people on mumsnet disagree with parents insisting their adult DC don't share rooms with their partners is that - on this - mumsnet is representative of the population as a whole. It's still not bullying.

EmoIsntDead · 30/01/2022 12:47

@makkapacca

Can you give an example of bullying or treating someone as the Antichrist please
  1. What does making them sleep in separate rooms actually achieve other than making them feel like they’re about 15? They’re an adult couple. Ridiculous.
  1. I do think it’s ridiculous to make two consenting adults sleep in separate rooms when you know they are sharing a bed the rest of the time.

3.I think it would be ridiculous to make them sleep in different rooms.

4.This is one of the most ridiculous things I've seen on here. It was also ridiculous to make your dd's bf sleep in a separate room when she was 21. YABVU

5.They are 23 and 26! Sorry its complete madness! They have obviously share a bed regularly because they are couple, and some pretence of 'waiting till marriage' when they arent is bizarre

  1. They are 23 and 26! Sorry its complete madness! They have obviously share a bed regularly because they are couple, and some pretence of 'waiting till marriage' when they arent is bizarre
Disagreeing with someone isn't bullying 🙄
Krakenchorus · 30/01/2022 12:47

You shouldn't start a TAAT. That's an actual rule.

Original poster
makkapacca · 30/01/2022 12:49

OP you keep allowing yourself to get diverted away from your original topic, which was regarding adult children. Of course it's different for teenagers under the age of consent, because there are legal and guardianship aspects to this situation which aren't relevant when the 'children' in question are 21 and 23, for example

I didn't raise these issues though, I simply responded to them and they are still relevant to my post in that I have seen these threads and posters getting criticised/slammed for not allowing their teenagers to stay out all night or sleep in the same bed as bfs/gfs. In mn it seems a majority adhere to these values too which is quite shocking.

OP posts:
Original poster
makkapacca · 30/01/2022 12:51

Disagreeing with someone isn't bullying 🙄

the way in which it is disagreed on though with the piles on, the general tone is bullying though.

OP posts:
Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 30/01/2022 12:52

@makkapacca

Can you give an example of bullying or treating someone as the Antichrist please
  1. What does making them sleep in separate rooms actually achieve other than making them feel like they’re about 15? They’re an adult couple. Ridiculous.
  1. I do think it’s ridiculous to make two consenting adults sleep in separate rooms when you know they are sharing a bed the rest of the time.

3.I think it would be ridiculous to make them sleep in different rooms.

4.This is one of the most ridiculous things I've seen on here. It was also ridiculous to make your dd's bf sleep in a separate room when she was 21. YABVU

5.They are 23 and 26! Sorry its complete madness! They have obviously share a bed regularly because they are couple, and some pretence of 'waiting till marriage' when they arent is bizarre

  1. They are 23 and 26! Sorry its complete madness! They have obviously share a bed regularly because they are couple, and some pretence of 'waiting till marriage' when they arent is bizarre
What definition of bullying are you using and how is it different from a definition of 'disagreeing with you'? Does describing these comments as 'treating someone like the antichrist' seem more than a little hyperbolic to you?
ShinyHappyPoster · 30/01/2022 12:52

@ShallWeTalkAboutBruno

that parents should encourage their teens to have sex under their roof

Oh come on. No one says people should be encouraging their teens to have sex under their roof. What would that even look like?

Are you new here? There are often threads where posters are concerned about their teens' bfs and/or gfs and they are told they should make it easier for them to have sex at home because they're definitely going to do it anyway. What you have to remember is that yy there are genuine posters on here but there are lots of MRAs and TRAs too and their agendas regarding young people having sex, are very different.
Stompythedinosaur · 30/01/2022 12:53

The intolerance is around trying to enforce views on others. I have never seen a poster criticised for choosing not to share a bad before marriage, only for trying to force others to do this.

NightmareSlashDelightful · 30/01/2022 12:57

I mean, at one level hold whatever views you like, especially regarding your own house.

But when someone starts a thread on a forum about it, like it or not they're engaging in discussion on the subject. There is going to be disagreement because not everyone thinks the same thing.

And opinions on subjects aren't neatly split into 50% think X and 50% think Y. Sometimes you'll find yourself in the minority.

If a person's conservative values are so fragile, so shaken by this robust debate and a few people name-calling then they're likely not very well thought-through values, are they?

Anniegetyourgun · 30/01/2022 12:57

@Blossomtoes

Haven’t miners always had sex? If they hadn’t I wouldn’t be here.
No, that's disgusting. You get coal dust all over the sheets.
MargotMoon · 30/01/2022 12:58

@makkapacca

Mumsnet isn’t a hive mind. Lots of users, lots of different opinions

and yet threads like this will have an overwhelming hive mind and it's a race ton shame and hang the conservative party. I can imagine the reaction if a poster came on to say her boyfriend was angry she wouldn't sleep with him until after marriage. He'd be the one hung and rightly so.

Since when were the Conservative party bothered about conservative values?! I can take someone having conservative-with-a-small-C values, but to suggest that these are being demonstrated, protected and upheld by the present Conservative party is utter fantasy.