Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think mn are very intolerant/disrespectful on conservative values?

285 replies

makkapacca · 30/01/2022 09:09

Several threads have appeared on last several months over the sharing of bedrooms for posters adult children and partners. When a poster or her husband acknowledges they don't feel comfortable over this and want separate beds until marriage and mn gets up in arms over it blasting the latter as 'ridiculous' 'absurd' etc.

The poster or her husband will get bullied almost and be seen as an anti Christ. AIBU to think if people want to be conservative or have values different to our own that are not seriously harming anybody then that is fine and something posters should respect especially when it is the rules they set in their own house.

BTW I am not conservative or prudish by any means but aibu to think shaming and heckling people over being conservative and different to ourselves is bully like?

OP posts:
LumosSolem · 30/01/2022 10:33

Dp's mum doesn't approve, we know such views exist! his siblings think she's ridiculous (she's relented and let his brothers fiancé stay when they visited because she wanted to see the baby!) we stay at his sisters when we go, but it's a lot less frequent than it otherwise would be.

That, right there, is why people find it ridiculous. They have a baby- does she think the stork dropped it off? 😂

ToykotoLosAngeles · 30/01/2022 10:34

If the couple already lives together they're probably not going to have sex in your precious guestroom. Who wants to deal with bed squeaks and cleanup when your parents are in the next room?

godmum56 · 30/01/2022 10:36

@Pedalpushers

The 'my house my rules' people are the bullies in this situation. They are the ones who want to enforce control, push their values onto others and shame them for perfectly acceptable behaviour.
no I don't think so....."my house my rules" can cover all kinds of things....no outdoor shoes, no smoking, no animal products, no bringing your dog/lizard/pet spider and so on. Its not bullying to require your rules to be followed in your house....it can be enforced in a bullying and unpleasant way of course but the requirement alone isn't bullying.
3scape · 30/01/2022 10:39

I think most people would expect someone's values to be robust enough to stand up to logical challenge.

Lesperance · 30/01/2022 10:42

You are being ridiculous. But would you see me considering your view as ridiculous as me being intolerant? Rather than having a different view to you, and putting it bluntly?
There isn't a "mumsnet view" is there? You prove that yourself with your post.

Fearnyleaves · 30/01/2022 10:44

A hell of a lot of harm, abuse & oppression has been inflicted on women and gay people under the guise of 'conservative values'.

godmum56 · 30/01/2022 10:45

@3scape

I think most people would expect someone's values to be robust enough to stand up to logical challenge.
but if its "my house my rules", then its doesn't have to be logical to others. Currently my house rules take into account my frail elderly dog. To someone who doesn't care about dogs, or has never cared for one with the problems mine has, the rules might seem extreme and unreasonable. Their "logical challenge" frankly doesn't interest or concern me. My choice is to set the rules for my house...their choice is to visit me or not.
MOTU · 30/01/2022 10:50

if you ask for peoples opinions and the vast majority of responses go against your position, that's not bullying it's demonstrating what the current "norm" is....being out of step with the modern standard is not a form of oppression

PonyPatter44 · 30/01/2022 10:50

Its wonderfully British to suggest that calling someone's behaviour ridiculous is like calling them the Antichrist. Can you imagine Satan returning to Earth in Milton Keynes, 100 feet of winged, horned anger rising through the pavement.... and people tutting and saying "how ridiculous, its bad enough that the council are digging up all the grid roads, but now the bloody Antichrist is doing it too".

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2022 10:52

OP if people thought the poster who started the thread (about adult children and partners not being allowed to share beds) was being OTT and ridiculous, how would you suggest they did word that in a way you didn't consider to be 'bullying'.

Because your threshold for what you consider bullying seems ever so low and it sounds like you just think if people disagree with an OP they shouldn't post on the thread.

Which would rather defeat the object of a discussion forum.

So how could they have worded their opinion that it was an outdated and ridiculous rule, in a way you would have found acceptable? Genuinely interested.

RantyAunty · 30/01/2022 10:52

My parents were like this and I had a baby with with boyfriend.
I wasn't angry at the time but puzzled at their thinking.

That baby is now nearly 40 and I have a good laugh at it.

It's truly not getting upset over.

Cam77 · 30/01/2022 10:53

I think it depends on how serious the relationship is. A gf/bf who are cohabiting usually and have been together for several years - no problem. But a short term thing, one night stands or multiple relationships in a couple of years. nah. Surely a home is usually a family home. Not a Tinder stopover. Respect is a two way street.

CeleriacOfTheNight · 30/01/2022 10:53

Treated like the Antichrist- a few robust posts on Mumsnet?

Thank god the makers of The Omen film got their version to our screens first.

saddowizca · 30/01/2022 10:54

I'm not sure why you care tbh, MN is just lots of different people posting anonymously, it doesn't really matter what we think does it?

Cam77 · 30/01/2022 10:57

There used to be such a thing as disagreeing with someone's views in a respectful manner, but the anonymity and angry confrontational nature of much of the internet is making it something of a lost art among younger generations.

ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 30/01/2022 10:58

Why should people automatically be ‘respectful’ of conservative values though, if we think that particular value is batshit?

ArchibaldsDaddy · 30/01/2022 10:58

I agree wholeheartedly that there is a lot of shaming on here unless it subscribes to a very particular narrative.

Man-bashing and a propensity to say ‘do whatever YOU like because THEY are being totally unreasonable’ are probably the two least helpful tropes…

But, sadly, the polarisation of online opinion is a growing trend…as is the indignation and self-righteousness that very often accompanies it.

My personal opinion: the posts that give a balanced view are the ones that have value, whereas the one-dimensional ones where you can almost feel the keys getting ploughed into the desk in rage are probably less so.

MsAgnesDiPesto · 30/01/2022 11:00

but if its "my house my rules", then its doesn't have to be logical to others. Currently my house rules take into account my frail elderly dog. To someone who doesn't care about dogs, or has never cared for one with the problems mine has, the rules might seem extreme and unreasonable. Their "logical challenge" frankly doesn't interest or concern me. My choice is to set the rules for my house...their choice is to visit me or not.

There is a distinction, surely, between house rules which avoid harm to someone (or a pet), and those which don’t? I don’t want people wearing shoes in my house because if they do I will need to shampoo my carpet more frequently. So it inconveniences me if they do so, where taking off their shoes doesn’t inconvenience them. People coming in and upsetting your dog is something which causes harm, where staying away from the place the dog is won’t cause them any harm or inconvenience.

Two people sleeping in the same bed doesn’t cause the OP any harm or inconvenience, so there is less defence - s/he is only objecting on ideological grounds. There is a world of difference.

PrincessNikla · 30/01/2022 11:01

@makkapacca

*Those are not examples of bullying whatsoever confused

They are in disagreement with the OP- they are opinions clearly at odds with the OP- you cannot call disagreement, even if plainly spoken, 'bullying'*

ok so if posters were using the same words to go against a woman saying she believed in no sex before marriage would you say it wasn't bullying or harsh?

If she doesn't want to have sex before marriage, thats fine, HER BODY HER CHOICE!
ArchibaldsDaddy · 30/01/2022 11:01

@ShallWeTalkAboutBruno

Why should people automatically be ‘respectful’ of conservative values though, if we think that particular value is batshit?
Perhaps because we have the privilege of living in a liberal democracy where respect and tolerance for everyone is a fundamental cornerstone of civilised discourse?

Or do you think that people who have very different opinions to you don’t qualify for respect??

ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 30/01/2022 11:03

Or do you think that people who have very different opinions to you don’t qualify for respect?

I respect everyone’s right to have their own opinions. I don’t always respect that opinion, no. There are many opinions that aren’t worthy of respect.

Original poster
makkapacca · 30/01/2022 11:04

If she doesn't want to have sex before marriage, thats fine, HER BODY HER CHOICE

likewise HIS/HER HOUSE , HIS/HER CHOICE

OP posts:
Socialcarenope · 30/01/2022 11:05

I think it's reflective that these opinions are in the minority.

saddowizca · 30/01/2022 11:05

"Cam77

There used to be such a thing as disagreeing with someone's views in a respectful manner, but the anonymity and angry confrontational nature of much of the internet is making it something of a lost art"

Agreed.

MsAgnesDiPesto · 30/01/2022 11:07

@makkapacca

If she doesn't want to have sex before marriage, thats fine, HER BODY HER CHOICE

likewise HIS/HER HOUSE , HIS/HER CHOICE

Are you being deliberately obtuse? Every person is allowed to make choices which affect his or her own body. Nobody else is allowed to make their choices for them. Even a parent.

If you wish to impose your views on your adult children, you can try, but be prepared that they will be unlikely to want to expose themselves to your exertion of control over their legal, adult choices, so you are unlikely to maintain a relationship with them.

Swipe left for the next trending thread