to think mn are very intolerant/disrespectful on conservative values?

[makkapacca]

Several threads have appeared on last several months over the sharing of bedrooms for posters adult children and partners. When a poster or her husband acknowledges they don't feel comfortable over this and want separate beds until marriage and mn gets up in arms over it blasting the latter as 'ridiculous' 'absurd' etc.

The poster or her husband will get bullied almost and be seen as an anti Christ. AIBU to think if people want to be conservative or have values different to our own that are not seriously harming anybody then that is fine and something posters should respect especially when it is the rules they set in their own house.

BTW I am not conservative or prudish by any means but aibu to think shaming and heckling people over being conservative and different to ourselves is bully like?

Perhaps because we have the privilege of living in a liberal democracy where respect and tolerance for everyone is a fundamental cornerstone of civilised discourse?

Many conservative values are intolerant and disrespectful to others though, causing actual harm, but apparently that's ok.

You've conflated two entirely different things here. The Conservative Party and conservative views are not the same thing. The Conservative Party had conservativeviews about land and property 200 odd years ago.
Presumably you aren't suggesting we take the vote away from working men and all women? And you can be a libertarian Conservative like Boris Johnson (grab what you can, do what you want) or a conservative Socialist.

@makkapacca

If she doesn't want to have sex before marriage, thats fine, HER BODY HER CHOICE

likewise HIS/HER HOUSE , HIS/HER CHOICE

I think you're entitled to say what happens in your house. Just don't complain if your adult DC decide not to visit you, or stay in a hotel instead. (Looking at you, mum and dad(not me, my sister)).

@Madamswearsalot

Half missing the point here but threads often feel like a 'hive mind' is happening because people pile on when their view has already been espoused by another person - they feel safe to say similar. Most people with an opposite view will not post on those occasions because they're in the minority. I know there are some who'll stick their neck out but not many.

I've seen various threads where the tone of the first couple of responses sets out how it's going to go for the rest of the thread. For example, if an early responder is picky about a specific detail in the op you'll see a load more responses saying the same.

I think there is lots of very valuable advice to be had on here but there's also a lot of people who don't employ critical thinking and just enjoy the experience of everyone agreeing with them.

Agree with this, although it doesn’t have to be the first couple of responses. Often well into the thread, a poster will make a comment that hasn’t already been made, and lo and behold there then appears more responses saying the same thing! Was it really the case that poster number 90 is the first one to make a certain comment and posters 91, 92 and 95 just so happened to have just had that thought as well? Doubt it!

Surely a home is usually a family home.

If the adult child lives there then it's their home too.

@makkapacca why would anyone post a thread on the sleeping arrangements of their adult children?

If they did, then of course they will get opinions on the subject, some strongly held.

However i associate Conservative Values much like i do with the Values of the Carphone Warehouse.

@makkapacca

If she doesn't want to have sex before marriage, thats fine, HER BODY HER CHOICE

likewise HIS/HER HOUSE , HIS/HER CHOICE

Which comes across as so incredibly petty and controlling that hopefully petty-minded people who want to dictate 'MY HOUSE MY CHOICE' will reap the consequences. I wouldn't visit my parents if they still wanted to treat me like a child.

Decent, sensible adults are respectful of other people's sensible, reasonable requests/house rules. No shoes indoors for example, makes sense, @godmum56 you mentioned rules around your elderly dog- even someone who isn't a dog lover as such like me is fully understanding of why you would make certain requests for your dog's wellbeing and comfort. Any decent, caring person would respect them.

Now where is the benefit of requesting that consenting adults, who may well live together the rest of the time, sleep in separate beds? It smacks of being entirely about control and moral judgements as opposed to any meaningful, sensible reason for the request.

When the argument solely comes down to 'my house, my rules', it indicates there isn't really a reasonable logic to it in the first place.

Any threads about women feeling pressured into sex are very supportive of the woman, whatever her reasons. Can you show examples of how the MN 'hive' have insulted a woman for not having sex

that's the point i am making, there are no such bashing threads and it's hypocritical to support 1 value but not the other.

Decent, sensible adults are respectful of other people's sensible, reasonable requests/house rules. No shoes indoors for example, makes sense, @godmum56 you mentioned rules around your elderly dog- even someone who isn't a dog lover as such like me is fully understanding of why you would make certain requests for your dog's wellbeing and comfort. Any decent, caring person would respect them

so we must only follow rules that we agree with then?

that's the point i am making, there are no such bashing threads and it's hypocritical to support 1 value but not the other

Why is it? They are 2 completely different values. One is about bodily autonomy, the other isn’t.

What I have found interesting is how many are open to girlfriends/boyfriends staying over so much and often half living in posters home.

With 4 kids, there is absolutely NO way I will ever be open to that I think.

The odd night perhaps but having it constantly would be too much.

I have an acquaintance that I met out walking during lockdown and she told me she had all 4 partners in her house constantly and she and her husband were absolutely sick of it.
She said they had both become very fit from being out walking the neighbourhood so much!

I am very welcoming to my children's friends but having them syaying over constantly seems like too much to me.

@makkapacca

Any threads about women feeling pressured into sex are very supportive of the woman, whatever her reasons. Can you show examples of how the MN 'hive' have insulted a woman for not having sex

that's the point i am making, there are no such bashing threads and it's hypocritical to support 1 value but not the other.

I am unable to understand the point you make here.

Mumsnet posters support women who do not want to be pressured into sex, believing she has the choice to do what she wants with her body.

Mumsnet posters also support women who DO want to have sex, when they post asking for advice, believing she has the choice to do what she wants with her body.

Mumsnet posters, in general, support women’s bodily autonomy. What position do you think that the forum should be ‘bashing’ which they aren’t?

@makkapacca

Any threads about women feeling pressured into sex are very supportive of the woman, whatever her reasons. Can you show examples of how the MN 'hive' have insulted a woman for not having sex

that's the point i am making, there are no such bashing threads and it's hypocritical to support 1 value but not the other.

No it's really not. Every person has autonomy over their own body.

The woman in that situation is making her own choices about her own body.

You are trying to impose your views on two grown adults who presumably don't share your values.

@LumosSolem
"Which comes across as so incredibly petty and controlling that hopefully petty-minded people who want to dictate 'MY HOUSE MY CHOICE' will reap the consequences. I wouldn't visit my parents if they still wanted to treat me like a child.

Decent, sensible adults are respectful of other people's sensible, reasonable requests/house rules. No shoes indoors for example, makes sense, @godmum56 you mentioned rules around your elderly dog- even someone who isn't a dog lover as such like me is fully understanding of why you would make certain requests for your dog's wellbeing and comfort. Any decent, caring person would respect them.

Now where is the benefit of requesting that consenting adults, who may well live together the rest of the time, sleep in separate beds? It smacks of being entirely about control and moral judgements as opposed to any meaningful, sensible reason for the request.

When the argument solely comes down to 'my house, my rules', it indicates there isn't really a reasonable logic to it in the first place"

lets be clear.....my rules are not requests. I require compliance.......and yes i agree that setting rules by the owner of the house will have consequences and one of those consequences will be that certain people won't visit BUT its my house. My rules don't have to be logical or reasonable or make sense to others BECAUSE ITS MY HOUSE.

I think the last two years have probably led to a lot of live-in partners in family homes just because of the household mixing rules. I can well imagine it’s been a stress for many. I know some of them! But on a practical not a moral basis.

I have to say that I can’t think of anywhere I’m less likely to have sex than my in-laws’ house. It’s like a vow of chastity when I step over the front door mat.

Which comes across as so incredibly petty and controlling that hopefully petty-minded people who want to dictate 'MY HOUSE MY CHOICE' will reap the consequences. I wouldn't visit my parents if they still wanted to treat me like a child

My mum was a committed Christian, she didn't believe in sex before marriage, so when i stayed with my partner we slept in separate rooms - i didn't feel it was controlling, i thought i was being respectful.

Funnily enough after a while she she asked me why was i doing this? i replied that i thought she would object, she said No of course not, they are my beliefs not yours.

The point of Mumsnet is to anonymously seek opinions from the general public. So yes, YABU if you think that all Mumsnetters should hold the same opinions as you or any given OP re conservative values or anything else.

I've not come across anyone saying they would not sleep together before marriage, on MN.

@makkapacca

If she doesn't want to have sex before marriage, thats fine, HER BODY HER CHOICE

likewise HIS/HER HOUSE , HIS/HER CHOICE

Not the same by any means

Half missing the point here but threads often feel like a 'hive mind' is happening because people pile on when their view has already been espoused by another person - they feel safe to say similar. Most people with an opposite view will not post on those occasions because they're in the minority. I know there are some who'll stick their neck out but not many

Yes this is me. I often start to type a reply with a different view, particularly with regards to dating / sex on a first date, texting, what is / isn’t ok in a relationship in my opinion but then delete it because I can’t be arsed with personal attacks or name calling. It’s a sad fact that people who have a different opinion often resort to name calling and I can’t be arsed with that when I’m just trying to give advice or opinions the OP asked for. Then the threads are basically squeed one way.

lets be clear.....my rules are not requests. I require compliance.......and yes i agree that setting rules by the owner of the house will have consequences and one of those consequences will be that certain people won't visit BUT its my house. My rules don't have to be logical or reasonable or make sense to others BECAUSE ITS MY HOUSE.

And do you generally find that you have to dictate and state that you 'require compliance' or do you find that you can make polite and reasonable requests of your friends and family which they are happy to respect?

As you say, it's your house, but people tend to follow things are reasonable without fuss anyway. If not, why would anyone want them to visit? And why indeed would anyone visit with ridiculous rules being imposed?

I think most people now would really question the sense of someone whose unreasonable house rules could cause a wedge between themselves and their children. Just because 'IT'S MY HOUSE!'. But it says a lot about people's priorities I guess.

@makkapacca

Can you give an example of bullying or treating someone as the Antichrist please

1. What does making them sleep in separate rooms actually achieve other than making them feel like they’re about 15? They’re an adult couple. Ridiculous.

1. I do think it’s ridiculous to make two consenting adults sleep in separate rooms when you know they are sharing a bed the rest of the time.

3.I think it would be ridiculous to make them sleep in different rooms.

4.This is one of the most ridiculous things I've seen on here. It was also ridiculous to make your dd's bf sleep in a separate room when she was 21. YABVU

5.They are 23 and 26! Sorry its complete madness! They have obviously share a bed regularly because they are couple, and some pretence of 'waiting till marriage' when they arent is bizarre

1. They are 23 and 26! Sorry its complete madness! They have obviously share a bed regularly because they are couple, and some pretence of 'waiting till marriage' when they arent is bizarre

None of that is bullying - it's called having an opinion.

I don’t understand why people even put such questions.
If they are confident that their values are right they don’t need validation.
If they are going to put such questions to a wide range of people they can expect a wide range of answers.

Considering the amount of times I’ve seen woke tossed around as an insult as well as handmaidens, cool girls/wives and various isms defended as being traditional or just an opinion someone is entitled to have (conveniently excluding sexism of course) YABVU

Expressing an opinion is not in itself intolerant and/or disrespectful.

Even if that opinion is in disagreement to your own.

No one is entitled to an echo chamber.