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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner taking pictures of messy bedroom

170 replies

2ddandabump · 29/01/2022 22:20

Aibu to think this is out of order and to wonder why he has done it.

We have had a rocky relationship for a while now, good days and bad, he has a short temper and can be quite unkind. I work 3 days a week, have 3 children, one of whom is a toddler and 2 tween age children, my partner works full time 6 days a week. Sometimes on my 2 days off after playing with the toddler, feeding the toddler, putting washing in, hanging washing out, bobbing to the supermarket, doing the school run, plus other normal house stuff like hoovering or tidying, I run out of time to tidy every room. So sometimes I end up dumping bags of washing on my bed, some ironing, maybe some paperwork and other stuff I've been trying to sort for the loft etc.

I've discovered that on 4 separate occasions, over the past couple of months now he's taken pictures of the mess, or the overflowing washbasket in the ensuite.

I always tidy it up before bedtime, obviously, as we wouldn't be able to get into bed.

I feel very angry and hurt by this, I assume he's done it because he's gone to lie down later in the evening and the bed is full, so he can't.

Maybe he sends these pictures to someone to have a moan. The most recent time was on the day of my middle child's birthday, I'd tidied every other room as family were coming, decorated the house, looked after the toddler, prepared, served and cleared away a party tea, hosted family etc, he was at work. I feel pi**ed off that he's taken a picture of the mess, surely I'm not the only one to hide piles of paperwork and washing etc in another room when guests are coming round on this occasion.

I am being unreasonable for leaving stuff on the bed?
I am not being unreasonable, he's an arse?

OP posts:
AnOldCynic · 29/01/2022 22:22

He's being an arse. My bedroom is the dumping ground at times for exactly the reasons you have stated.

I assume you came across these photos by accident?

DahliaMacNamara · 29/01/2022 22:23

He's done it because he's an arsehole. If it doesn't meet his high expectations, he can sort out any mess himself.

Rosebuud · 29/01/2022 22:23

For me it’s a bigger issue, why’s he not helping tidy? And no dumping stuff on the bed isn’t good, but why can’t he clear it? He’s clearly sending it to someone to show them the mess and that’s not ok.

Thehop · 29/01/2022 22:25

This cock nostril will never ever be worth having around.

Bin him.

LawnFever · 29/01/2022 22:25

If he spent less time taking photos and more time actually pulling his weight there’d be nothing to take photos of!

He’s a lazy arse isn’t he? What does he actually contribute?

Tiredmum100 · 29/01/2022 22:25

I'd be really annoyed too. I always have washing on my bed, I move it to get into bed every night and put it back in the morning, washing being put away takes a good few days. There's nothing stopping him tidying up is there. Last I checked having a penis doesn't stop you, does it?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/01/2022 22:28

We have had a rocky relationship for a while now, good days and bad, he has a short temper and can be quite unkind.

I could have stopped reading there. Why are you raising your poor kids around this fuckwit? Raise your standards for how you demand to be treated.

HadaVerde · 29/01/2022 22:29

Take pics of when it’s all tidied.

I’d be suspicious what he was going to do with the photos he’s taking.

Is it your home/his/joint. Owned or rented?

DoubleFunMum · 29/01/2022 22:37

Be careful. My sister's now ex-husband used stuff like this against her when going through divorce proceedings. Tried to claim she was a bad mother to get more access to the kids (so that he could pay less maintenance). I agree with PP - take pics when it's tidy. Also, get your ducks in a row, financially, just in case. If it's on his mind, it should be on yours! Try to get evidence of finances, pensions etc. so he can't hide them later.

RosiePosieDozy · 29/01/2022 22:42

My first thought is that he's taking pictures for 'evidence' to use against you.

Definitely start taking pictures of when it's tidy. And also...bin him. It's not just your responsibility to be looking after the house and family.

HollowTalk · 29/01/2022 22:46

@Aquamarine1029

We have had a rocky relationship for a while now, good days and bad, he has a short temper and can be quite unkind.

I could have stopped reading there. Why are you raising your poor kids around this fuckwit? Raise your standards for how you demand to be treated.

Exactly! Never mind his pathetic spiteful photos. Put yourself and your children first and dump this man.
CovidForChristmas · 29/01/2022 22:47

Have you spoken to him about this?

Agree with those above, my first thought was he’s collecting evidence for something.

Georgeskitchen · 29/01/2022 22:48

Tell him to tidy up if it bothers him so much!! An untidy house doesn't mean an unfit mother!!

user1471554720 · 29/01/2022 22:50

When you can't sort stuff could you hide it eg black bag in the loft where he can't see. Could you empty out a press and use this as a dumping ground, a laundry basket in your wardrobe somewhere he can't easily find.

We have a spare room and unfinished things/clearouts go in there.

Greydove28 · 29/01/2022 22:50

Have you asked him why he is taking these pictures? Thats really worrying op. I think he might try to use them as evidence against you saying you are unkempt and a bad mother. Its very unfair and you sound like you are working hard.

giveyou2reasons · 29/01/2022 22:51

He's a crap excuse for a partner. Why does he not just tidy things up, if he's bothered by it? At least he could ask if you could start using another spot to temporarily dump things, if he's frequently wanting to sit on the bed, only to find it's loaded with stuff. (I can see how that might be annoying, tbh, if it could go somewhere other than the bed.) But to passive aggressively take photos? He's being a jerk, especially on a day when you're hosting people in your home.

fmac2987 · 29/01/2022 22:54

Sounds like a twat. Thats not even passive aggressive, its just aggressive.

He should talk to you about it. Not take pictures like he's building evidence and justification for a fight.

If he wants to live in a pristine room let him find a nice place by himself and you can have your room how you want it, messy or not.

3scape · 29/01/2022 22:55

Essentially he's taking "work in progress" photos. I'd express it in those terms. I'd be hugely uncomfortable with that.

Is he sharing them? Do you have access to the images?

2ddandabump · 29/01/2022 22:55

@AnOldCynic

He's being an arse. My bedroom is the dumping ground at times for exactly the reasons you have stated.

I assume you came across these photos by accident?

We have shared photo storage so saw them there.
OP posts:
2ddandabump · 29/01/2022 22:56

@Thehop

This cock nostril will never ever be worth having around.

Bin him.

The most amusing name for him, thanks, made me laugh.
OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 29/01/2022 22:57

Take your own make sure they are dated and he doesn't have access to them

2ddandabump · 29/01/2022 22:57

@Rosebuud

For me it’s a bigger issue, why’s he not helping tidy? And no dumping stuff on the bed isn’t good, but why can’t he clear it? He’s clearly sending it to someone to show them the mess and that’s not ok.
So, he does often come in and move stuff, he's never once said anything and has commented before on how tidy things are or how he knows it's difficult to get stuff done. With this in mind, I'm irritated that he's taken photos.
OP posts:
2ddandabump · 29/01/2022 23:00

@HadaVerde

Take pics of when it’s all tidied.

I’d be suspicious what he was going to do with the photos he’s taking.

Is it your home/his/joint. Owned or rented?

It's his house, I don't pay towards the mortgage but pay towards bills and all the childcare.
OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 29/01/2022 23:00

Is the toddler his? Is he making a portfolio to back up a bid for custody/residency.
It's a prick move, whatever

Toasterandjam · 29/01/2022 23:00

My first thought was for evidence too. Mind you, he could've messed it up first himself and then taken a photo so could be his word against yours! And what would it prove anyway. . Does he know you've seen the photos? If he showing someone else thats disloyal. No ones house is perfect. Arsenal behaviour.

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