Partner taking pictures of messy bedroom

[2ddandabump]

Aibu to think this is out of order and to wonder why he has done it.

We have had a rocky relationship for a while now, good days and bad, he has a short temper and can be quite unkind. I work 3 days a week, have 3 children, one of whom is a toddler and 2 tween age children, my partner works full time 6 days a week. Sometimes on my 2 days off after playing with the toddler, feeding the toddler, putting washing in, hanging washing out, bobbing to the supermarket, doing the school run, plus other normal house stuff like hoovering or tidying, I run out of time to tidy every room. So sometimes I end up dumping bags of washing on my bed, some ironing, maybe some paperwork and other stuff I've been trying to sort for the loft etc.

I've discovered that on 4 separate occasions, over the past couple of months now he's taken pictures of the mess, or the overflowing washbasket in the ensuite.

I always tidy it up before bedtime, obviously, as we wouldn't be able to get into bed.

I feel very angry and hurt by this, I assume he's done it because he's gone to lie down later in the evening and the bed is full, so he can't.

Maybe he sends these pictures to someone to have a moan. The most recent time was on the day of my middle child's birthday, I'd tidied every other room as family were coming, decorated the house, looked after the toddler, prepared, served and cleared away a party tea, hosted family etc, he was at work. I feel pi**ed off that he's taken a picture of the mess, surely I'm not the only one to hide piles of paperwork and washing etc in another room when guests are coming round on this occasion.

I am being unreasonable for leaving stuff on the bed?
I am not being unreasonable, he's an arse?

When my partner complained about the mess in the house, I freed up my time by stopping doing HIS washing. I bought him his own washing basket to separate his out. Now I have more time to wash, dry and put away mine and the kids' washing.

Funnily enough, he is completely unable to cope with just doing his washing whereas I can manage triple what he has to do.

I'd ask him if he a some sort of fetish for messy rooms, if so would accommodate him with more. He's being an arsehole.

@FitAt50

I'm not been an arse but you said you work 3 days a week and have 2 days off? Surely that means you have 4 days off a week compared to his 1.

Surely you at least read the initial post & comprehend that her 4 days "off" might be unpaid, but are nothing to do with being "off" work?

That’s not only unreasonable, it’s downright weird.

The next picture he wants to be taking is that of all his stuff neatly packed on the front lawn.

I normally try to stick up for (potentially) misunderstood male partners, but I’ve got nothing to offer here.

@FitAt50

I'm not been an arse but you said you work 3 days a week and have 2 days off? Surely that means you have 4 days off a week compared to his 1.

If you class looking after 3 children as days off, then yes, I have 4 days off.

I know I'm doing a good enough job in the home, I do it so myself and the children and him have a nice tidy home. I do spend my time off from work sorting his washing etc, his tea is cooked every night, I do the food shopping and take care of birthdays etc, he isn't hard done to. And he does bins and the garden, diy etc, I'm not overly annoyed about his level of effort around the home, he washes up and does other kitchen things.

It's the way he acts towards me that is causing me a problem..

Why does he want pictures? Is he really particular about housekeeping etc? I always put the washing on my bed to fold and put away, (mount washmore!) If I run out of time the last bits get chucked ontop of the drawers for the next day. You can't do it all so what's the point of stressing?

@Aquamarine1029

We have had a rocky relationship for a while now, good days and bad, he has a short temper and can be quite unkind.

I could have stopped reading there. Why are you raising your poor kids around this fuckwit? Raise your standards for how you demand to be treated.

I'm in the classic situation, living with a man who is basically one giant red flag, but who loves his step children, loves his own child a lot and who can be living and kind to me and then turn in a second.

I know I need to set an example of how we should expect to be treated, of what real love is.

I've definitely got the balls to move us all out, just not the finances I'd like to have.

@FitAt50 I have one day child free, and I try and do all I can in the days before so I can actually sit down and have some time for myself.

But he'd stormed out earlier and hasn't been back in the house long.

You have more problems than some photos. But I sense you know that. There will come a time when the DCs will notice how he treats you. And that has the potential to model future adult relationships. If you want to/have to stay with him for now that's up to you, but please don't let the children think this is a good way to carry on a relationship.

He is gathering evidence.

What makes me 🧐 about the whole situation is why not help you sort it instead of taking pictures when it's obvious you're trying your best and struggling.

I don't like that attitude at all, you're not a bloody slave.

He's wierd- and so are the 2% that voted yabu

Focus on solving and work towards this ...

What steps could you take to make the finances work if you left?

You will be moving in the right direction to start planning and calculating now.

And he does bins and the garden, diy etc, I'm not overly annoyed about his level of effort around the home, he washes up and does other kitchen things.

@2ddandabump
The garden and DIY are all contributing to the value of his asset (the house) appreciating in value. Same with the bins at a stretch - rubbish building up attracts vermin..

Your work indoors is keeping his asset/the house from losing value but a lot of it is the upkeep of the man himself, and he is definitely not an asset appreciating in value.

Who does the meal planning and preparation?
List all the things you do daily and weekly for the family

You need to start building up a fund to get out.

Start keeping a strict account of what you earn and what you pay for in a month vs what he pays for.
Mortgage
Childcare
Food, supplies like tin foil, TP, etc
Car if you have one - petrol, parking, repairs
Insurance for car
Utilities

Also, any other expenses you have paid for from your earnings:
Clothes for everyone
Shoes for everyone
Birthday parties/celebrations/cards/presents
School contributions/ pens/pencils, copies, sports equipment
Uniforms

He then went on to say it was related to a big birthday I have coming up and he was doing pictures of messy rooms

You know this is bullshit. He then got (performatively) angry so you didn’t ask him more questions.

I think he’s gathering “evidence” as well.

@WonderfulYou

Taking pictures instead of just asking g why it’s very messy is very odd behaviour.

Sounds like he’s collecting evidence.
I’d keep an eye on what else he’s doing.

Taking pictures instead of just asking g why it’s very messy is very odd behaviour

*Taking pictures instead of just tidying up is very odd behaviour^

@WonderfulYou. There, fixed that for you.

@2ddandabump
'Oh wonderful darling, just what every woman hopes for, for their 'big birthday' pictures of messy rooms!'

You're being a mug paying for all the childcare, while he builds up the asset you don't have any rights to. I understand you don't want to be on the mortgage, but you should be building up your asset (savings) not paying all the childcare & all the other bills.

I think he’s showing the photos to his affair partner.

It’s part of his story about how he works all the time to support her and her kids and he’s only with her because she trapped him by getting pregnant . And he’s just staying for the sake of the toddler.

I bet he’s self employed and seeing OW when he’s pretending he’s working.

That’s why he’s so nasty to OP. Cheaters are always mean so their partner will retaliate and then they can say what a shit relationship they have.

Sorry OP.

He is a weirdo and I couldn't cope with him . The "putting things on the bed is not good/ideal " types on this thread freak me out too. . They would have a heart attack in my house.

Men are simple creatures, many being what you see is what you get.

If he collating evidence of your supposedly shoddy housekeeping, he is doing that for a reason.

Maybe you have taken your eye off the ball with him, but he is definitely up to something.

Listen to the wise posters, he is taking advantage of you in more ways than one.

Op this is chilling reading.

You are living with a very poor example of a man. He is the role model to your DC of how a man behaves towards a woman.

If you have a son or daughter they are learning from this behaviour.

Please do not underestimate how much DC absorb
as their normal.

A bad tempered man should not be in your DC's lives.

You need to get out of there. It sounds to me his parents, your toddler's grandparents like you a lot but your abusive partner is sending them photos of evidence of what a crap mother and housekeeper you actually are so that they can see he has a point.

Don't be surprised if he has video or audio evidence of your arguments with him or with your DC.

You cannot continue staying there.

Put your DC first.

And definitely stop cooking or cleaning or doing his laundry! He has zero respect for you!

Never allow someone to take your services and kindness for granted.

I know, I am aware ive put myself in a bit of a rubbish situation house wise, but, I don't want to be on the mortgage, it ties me to him and potentially his debt. I've put nothing in so won't loose out that way if I decide to move out. He pays for all the food shopping for example, he's not tight with money. I pay childcare so I could keep my job and independence

But wouldn’t being on the mortgage tie you to the equity in the house.

Or do you mean he has loads of debt as well as the mortgage, a short temper, his children are looked after and he has the bills paid.

Exactly what are you getting out of this relationship because whether you like it or not your children will grow up and leave home one day and whilst he might not want to see his children homeless that doesn’t cover you and by that time you might not be able to work so your idea of privately renting could be a pipe dream and you could end up homeless.

This is inexcusable. Not only is he taking photos of the mess but he’s got to be sharing them with someone. I’d feel that my privacy had been invaded in addition to him being a complete arse.

Whatever his real reason for doing this, you can be assured that his motive is to paint you in a poor light - slovenly and messy and disorganised.

The idea that these pics are for you, as a present, is laughable.

If it were me, I’d start taking pictures too, but obviously. Take pictures of “undone” chores or ideally ones where he’s doing nothing on the couch with clutter around him. Tell him you were sooo exited by the thought of receiving pictures of messy bedrooms as a gift you’ve become inspired to take your own pictures. And you’ll make it into a collage and give it to him for his next birthday.