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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner taking pictures of messy bedroom

170 replies

2ddandabump · 29/01/2022 22:20

Aibu to think this is out of order and to wonder why he has done it.

We have had a rocky relationship for a while now, good days and bad, he has a short temper and can be quite unkind. I work 3 days a week, have 3 children, one of whom is a toddler and 2 tween age children, my partner works full time 6 days a week. Sometimes on my 2 days off after playing with the toddler, feeding the toddler, putting washing in, hanging washing out, bobbing to the supermarket, doing the school run, plus other normal house stuff like hoovering or tidying, I run out of time to tidy every room. So sometimes I end up dumping bags of washing on my bed, some ironing, maybe some paperwork and other stuff I've been trying to sort for the loft etc.

I've discovered that on 4 separate occasions, over the past couple of months now he's taken pictures of the mess, or the overflowing washbasket in the ensuite.

I always tidy it up before bedtime, obviously, as we wouldn't be able to get into bed.

I feel very angry and hurt by this, I assume he's done it because he's gone to lie down later in the evening and the bed is full, so he can't.

Maybe he sends these pictures to someone to have a moan. The most recent time was on the day of my middle child's birthday, I'd tidied every other room as family were coming, decorated the house, looked after the toddler, prepared, served and cleared away a party tea, hosted family etc, he was at work. I feel pi**ed off that he's taken a picture of the mess, surely I'm not the only one to hide piles of paperwork and washing etc in another room when guests are coming round on this occasion.

I am being unreasonable for leaving stuff on the bed?
I am not being unreasonable, he's an arse?

OP posts:

Abricot1993 · 29/01/2022 23:42

He is giving you the lions share of the work and you are probably knackered and dont have the energy to build yourself up or see what is going on and address it. Take baby steps to do what you can as you are doing an absolutely amazing job with your kids. Tell us what is the first thing you want to improve and we can suggest how you can do this?

FitAt50 · 29/01/2022 23:43

I'm not been an arse but you said you work 3 days a week and have 2 days off? Surely that means you have 4 days off a week compared to his 1.

MrsMiddleMother · 29/01/2022 23:44

Are they his children too? Because you say my instead of our.. I'd ask him outright why is he taking the pictures. I'd guess its to throw it back at you in an argument or something, especially if he wants to say look at the state you leave my house in if it isn't in your name.

mathanxiety · 29/01/2022 23:46

@2ddandabump

Start taking photos of him sitting on his arse on the couch, or empty bottles if he has been drinking. A series of photos, time stamped, across several evenings would be a nice pictorial representation of someone who enjoys his home but expects someone else - someone who does not own it - to keep it to the standard he expects it to be kept. You and he are separate entities, in his mind, and he feels entitled to something he has not talked to you about - because if he had talked to you about it you would not be living there now and you would not have had children with him.

Definitely take photos of the rest of the house after you have cleaned it, several photos a week for the foreseeable. Before, during and after photos of you preparing dinner, cleaning up the sitting room, cleaning the bathroom, etc.

Do you have photos of the birthday party with rooms of the house visible in the background?

I think he is gathering evidence that you are some sort of a hoarder or completely incompetent, if not for the purpose of fighting you for custody then in order to prove to himself that he is justified in feeling contempt for you and having a relationship with someone else.

billy1966 · 29/01/2022 23:47

I sincerely hope you start squirrelling away some money, so you have a fund to get away from this arsehole.

mathanxiety · 29/01/2022 23:49

I've put nothing in so won't loose out that way if I decide to move out.
@2ddandabump
That decision might not be yours. If he told you to get out, you would not be in a position to insist you stay.

And he is apparently not putting any of his hard earned money toward childcare.

What he has is a house that is increasing in value, a housekeeper, and someone else paying the childcare bills.

What you have is indeed a rubbish situation.

ChargingBuck · 29/01/2022 23:54

@Greydove28

Have you asked him why he is taking these pictures? Thats really worrying op. I think he might try to use them as evidence against you saying you are unkempt and a bad mother. Its very unfair and you sound like you are working hard.

OP - don't tackle him about this verbally. Stay smart.

Text him - "what's going on with the pics of the bed-laundry? Did you have time to spare doing artistic interpretations, but none to put it away? I've done XX% of the housework this week, as usual, can you start stepping up a bit?"

May be a storm in a tea cup, might not be.
And if it IS sinister - get your dibs on your own paper trail.

he has a short temper and can be quite unkind
FUCK that noise. Protect yourself & your own best interests , Bump

StaplesCorner · 29/01/2022 23:55

Are all the children his OP? So you're not married? What if he did insist you left, could you go to your family or rent somewhere? Because obviously he is a twat but things could get worse - how long has this been going on? Were you ever happy with him/was there ever a time when he wasnt a twat?

SocialConnection · 29/01/2022 23:56

Did he show them to you - or have you had reason to investigate his phone?

Taking these pictures is happening for a reason.

So, I'd ask him outright why he's doing it.

I can think of no good reasons, only:

He's preparing a lecture to you on your shortcomings.

He is sharing them with someone else as 'poor me, look what I have to put up with' stuff to get her sympathy.

He is gathering what he will use as evidence of unreasonable behaviour in divorce proceedings.

I honestly cannot think of a nice reason.

Each day when he's out, create a magazine-worthy setting of of just one small area, every thing looking perfect just there, and take a load of photos yourself. Then a different one next day, and so on, til you have a phone gallery full.

Self defence.

Winterautumn · 29/01/2022 23:58

You need an independent saving account/ kids isa accounts. Just in case you find yourself having to leave, regardless of this thread!

LiterallyKnowsBest · 29/01/2022 23:59

Also, if he were to die tomorrow … I’m guessing there is no legal provision for you to inherit the house? So his next of kin (if they’re not your children) could put you out of the house quick sharp?

Winterautumn · 30/01/2022 00:00

Send the photos back to him and ask why he’s taking photos of the housework needed doing but not helping you with the housework ?!

ChargingBuck · 30/01/2022 00:00

@user1471554720

When you can't sort stuff could you hide it eg black bag in the loft where he can't see. Could you empty out a press and use this as a dumping ground, a laundry basket in your wardrobe somewhere he can't easily find.

We have a spare room and unfinished things/clearouts go in there.

Yeah OP - make sure you keep kowtowing to The Man.

Make sure your fear of him seeing some clean laundry outweighs your sense of perspective.

Make sure you understand it is your duty to hide any offensive hint of housework from The Man. Or he might take your children away, because you are Bad & Wrong.

Make sure you impose another ridiculous routine into your already too-busy life that would cost you more time than ... doing the offending clean laundry put-away. Because that's logical.
In Gilead.

spotcheck · 30/01/2022 00:04

I think it is a bit unreasonable to put paperwork etc on the bed.

However, he's a twat for taking pictures.

ChargingBuck · 30/01/2022 00:07

@giveyou2reasons

He's a crap excuse for a partner. Why does he not just tidy things up, if he's bothered by it? At least he could ask if you could start using another spot to temporarily dump things, if he's frequently wanting to sit on the bed, only to find it's loaded with stuff. (I can see how that might be annoying, tbh, if it could go somewhere other than the bed.) But to passive aggressively take photos? He's being a jerk, especially on a day when you're hosting people in your home.

Aaaaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhh

At least he could ask if you could start using another spot to temporarily dump things, if he's frequently wanting to sit on the bed, only to find it's loaded with stuff. (I can see how that might be annoying, tbh, if it could go somewhere other than the bed.)

So kindly meant, yet so oblivious to the outlandish notion that he could ... get annoyed at their stuff on the bed, so choose to tidy it up?

mathanxiety · 30/01/2022 00:09

Yes to this.

Then text, as suggested:
"what's going on with the pics of the bed-laundry? Did you have time to spare doing artistic interpretations, but none to put it away? I've done XX% of the housework this week, as usual, can you start stepping up a bit?"

And make sure that the laundry in each pile you put on your bed is his stuff - all the laundry you wash for him. Put away your own.

Also take photos of ironing you are doing, and clothes of his hanging out to dry. Make sure your hand is in the photos as you iron and hang clothes. Once you have taken photos, stop doing any more laundry for him.

ChargingBuck · 30/01/2022 00:10

APOLOGIES @giveyou2reasons in my testiness I was oblivious to your second sentence. No excuse. Sorry. Am enraged by the patriarchy more than usual this evening, & allowed it to spill over to an innocent party.

mathanxiety · 30/01/2022 00:10

I agree you need a paper trail, and also a record of your excellent housekeeping.

But the big picture is that he is unkind and he has a short temper.

The photos on top of that would tell me that he has checked out of the relationship and will shortly be telling you to pack your bags.

Original poster

2ddandabump · 30/01/2022 00:11

I would be able to rent, I did before moving in here, and his family would be appalled if he tried to get us to move out, which he wouldn't do as he loves our toddler child deeply and would be making him homeless. I'm not worried about my housing situation. More that I am in a relationship with a tw*t, I don't want to share custody and see my toddler less, but I know he is a danger to happy family life.

Ive just asked him, it wasn't great timing as he'd gone to bed. But he'd stormed out earlier and hasn't been back in the house long.

I asked simply why he'd taken the picture... he said he didn't know (I didn't admit to knowing about the other 3 times he has taken a picture) I said that wasn't an answer and that there must be a reason. He mumed a few more times that he didn't know, I jiat stood there and waited for an answer. He then went on to say it was related to a big birthday I have coming up and he was doing pictures of messy rooms, I said even if this were true it was a rubbish idea that no woman ever would like.

I asked him again, he said its always a mess and he isn't allowed to move things.

He then raised his voice very loud, got cross at me waking him up (he was barely asleep) I explained I havent had any opportunity to speak to him.

Yes I know he's an twt, he's an angry mean twt.

OP posts:

ChargingBuck · 30/01/2022 00:11

Once you have taken photos, stop doing any more laundry for him.

grin] grin]
Sheeeeeesh that's better, thank you @mathanxiety

WonderfulYou · 30/01/2022 00:11

Taking pictures instead of just asking g why it’s very messy is very odd behaviour.

Sounds like he’s collecting evidence.
I’d keep an eye on what else he’s doing.

ChargingBuck · 30/01/2022 00:13

I haven't yet, he will come out golden whatever I say, with no shame on his part, and hell be annoyed I've seen his pictures, which is fair enough.

Erm ... how is that "fair enough", Bump?
Shared drive. No harm no foul.

Much unlike your 'shared' responsibility for chores, no?

Lovinglife50 · 30/01/2022 00:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChargingBuck · 30/01/2022 00:17

It's his house, I don't pay towards the mortgage but pay towards bills and all the childcare.

So his money goes toward maintaining his appreciating asset, while yours goes on paying for his kids?

BadgerStripes · 30/01/2022 00:18

@Thehop

This cock nostril will never ever be worth having around.

Bin him.

Eloquently put. Completely agree.

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