Partner taking pictures of messy bedroom

[2ddandabump]

Aibu to think this is out of order and to wonder why he has done it.

We have had a rocky relationship for a while now, good days and bad, he has a short temper and can be quite unkind. I work 3 days a week, have 3 children, one of whom is a toddler and 2 tween age children, my partner works full time 6 days a week. Sometimes on my 2 days off after playing with the toddler, feeding the toddler, putting washing in, hanging washing out, bobbing to the supermarket, doing the school run, plus other normal house stuff like hoovering or tidying, I run out of time to tidy every room. So sometimes I end up dumping bags of washing on my bed, some ironing, maybe some paperwork and other stuff I've been trying to sort for the loft etc.

I've discovered that on 4 separate occasions, over the past couple of months now he's taken pictures of the mess, or the overflowing washbasket in the ensuite.

I always tidy it up before bedtime, obviously, as we wouldn't be able to get into bed.

I feel very angry and hurt by this, I assume he's done it because he's gone to lie down later in the evening and the bed is full, so he can't.

Maybe he sends these pictures to someone to have a moan. The most recent time was on the day of my middle child's birthday, I'd tidied every other room as family were coming, decorated the house, looked after the toddler, prepared, served and cleared away a party tea, hosted family etc, he was at work. I feel pi**ed off that he's taken a picture of the mess, surely I'm not the only one to hide piles of paperwork and washing etc in another room when guests are coming round on this occasion.

I am being unreasonable for leaving stuff on the bed?
I am not being unreasonable, he's an arse?

If you took photos of almost anyone's house at a particular time it would show the worst case scenario. So when the DC get back from school and strew their possessions around before I ask them to tidy up before dinner. Or the hallway on wash day when all the piles of clothes are bunched down the hall. Or our double bed at the end of wash day when I pile up the dried folded clothes before the DC grab their pile to put away.

Each of those moments taken in isolation look messy. And quite frankly only an arsehole would capture those moments for shaming purposes.

@StopStartStop

He doesn't need photographs to remind him of your supposed incompetence. He needs photographs to share with someone. Who? A woman he needs to convince that there's nothing between you and him? Someone presiding over a custody decision? His mates so they can have a laugh? Some message board where men slag off women? Whatever he is up to, it isn't good. You need rid of him.

And I've just read the post above which seems to be saying exactly the same.

Yep It has enraged me.

I had a ‘friend’ I caught take a picture of my front garden which was overgrown. She smirked as she was taking it. Who was she showing those pictures too? I think that is why I am so angry. It is so disrespectful.

It sounds like only the youngest child is his @Kennykenkencat. So what the OP gets from him now (housing, food for herself and 3 children ) is far more than she'd be entitled to if/when she leaves which is basically maintenance for 1 child.

Regarding your concerns about not having the finances to leave . You could work more and take steps to forward your career while he has kids, you might get benefits help and maintenance payments.

@Porcupineintherough

It sounds like only the youngest child is his *@Kennykenkencat. So what the OP* gets from him now (housing, food for herself and 3 children ) is far more than she'd be entitled to if/when she leaves which is basically maintenance for 1 child.

No, she gets housing from him now.

What he gets from her is

Money towards his mortgage
Money towards their shared bills
His food bought and cooked for him
Unpaid housework
His half of the paid childcare for his child
All the unpaid childcare for his child.
All the wifework done for him eg she hosts his family
Presumably sex on demand

He pays for shopping so she gets food. I'm not arguing that she doesnt provide her share just contrasting what she gets now with what she'd get if she leaves.

@Porcupineintherough

It sounds like only the youngest child is his @Kennykenkencat. So what the OP gets from him now (housing, food for herself and 3 children ) is far more than she'd be entitled to if/when she leaves which is basically maintenance for 1 child.

She'd be entitled to universal credit though. So she would probably be financially better off.

I've seen pictures of his work (he showed me) and I've seen payments for the work done.

He is quite the documenter, isn't he.

When did he show you this?
Is it a regular occurrence from the start of your relationship or a recent thing?
Why did he show you this?
What else is there that he is not showing you?

Do you know of all bank accounts, credit cards, etc, that he holds?

He sounds like a prick and you sound exhausted.
Again I'm speechless at some of the crap women put up with.
It's very easy to say "bin him" but frankly it won't get any better.

@BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation

Of course he's gathering evidence. This is what they do. It's to avoid paying child support.

I'm afraid that I'm in agreement. I would think that this is part of some plan to show the children would be better off with him,after a split, that you cannot manage everything and obviously that means you paying him maintenance not him you.

He may be an arse. He may also be compiling evidence for a time that suits him.

Thanks most people for your thoughts, some people seem to have lead perfect lives and made 100% the right decisions every time... congrats to you. I'm degree educated, not stupid, used to work in benefits and so am fully aware of what I could claim, I was just trying to make my relationship work first, rather than be alone bringing up my 3 children, sharing the weekends, as it happens that is becoming a better option.

I moved in and had our toddler because I loved him. I wasn't ready to rush into being jointly named on the mortgage as he had debts and arrangements with debt collection agencies, he is terrible with money, earns enough but just squanders it, rather than planning for the coming months and years.

Yes, I have moaned about him for a year or so, he's changed, got worse, maybe covid didn't help, or having a toddler, who knows.

He had a giant chip on his shoulder that I think I'm perfect and know everything, so much so that he says cruel things to me now, he didnt always.

He's finally admitted that he's taken photos to prove to me, down the line that I'm not perfect and that I leave things a mess. I pointed out that he hadn't taken a picture of all the tidy rooms, the clean bathrooms or bedding or his neat and tidy underwear drawer he isn't bothered, doesn't see the relevance. I pointed out, as one poster said, that he could have just put it all there himself and that his photos are useless.

He's an unkind man, he thinks not.
I'm looking to move out and leave him to his tidy home, which won't be full of family stuff anymore.

surely I'm not the only one to hide piles of paperwork and washing etc in another room when guests are coming round on this occasion.

God, no. You should see my dining room. I’m always grateful for somewhere to dump stuff when visitors call! He’s an arse.

@2ddandabump I’m sorry it’s come to this but no one should have to live with being made to feel this way and he doesn’t seem able to see things from your perspective so it is unlikely that anything would change.

@Porcupineintherough

It sounds like only the youngest child is his *@Kennykenkencat. So what the OP* gets from him now (housing, food for herself and 3 children ) is far more than she'd be entitled to if/when she leaves which is basically maintenance for 1 child.

And not having to put up with being shouted at or have photos taken of her “short comings”

With maintenance, UC, and her job I think op would be better off financially too

OP As you know really nobody leads perfect Facebook lives. But you can do the perfect journey and your step one of this is getting your ducks in a row and planning your move

It's very sad that he is more interested in getting one over on you than having a happy relationship with you.

Sorry he's such a prick OP. Hope you can get your ducks in a row and get yourself a nice house for you and your 3 children, with no moody gaslighting prick. He can wash and fold his own pants from now on.

And yes, it's totally normal to have a bit of junk hidden away!

Hi I wondered if I could get some help with this. My ex partner is coming into the house to spend time with kids. He has refused to make a new agreement. He is adamant on getting 50% custody (so he doesn’t have to pay money). He said he “had stuff”. I was like what stuff. Basically he has been taking photos of little things.

the worse part is that the house is in much better order now he is not here. He’s well known for being so disorganised, left things everywhere it was a nightmare. I’m working full time, trying to keep the house with the kids and it’s in good shape despite that. I’m just so worried about this. What he is doing behind my back

@emmasita you need to start your own new thread. I'm sure you will get more response then.

I'm sorry he's such an arsehole. Good for you for coming to clarity about it.

Not the point of your thread I know, and not useful now, but in case it is in future - you can contribute towards a mortgage without being jointly named on it/the deeds. You just need to be able to show it's a contribution to the mortgage. If things don't work out, you can still stake a claim to the relevant equity in the property because of your contributions. It doesn't make you liable for the debt. (Useful to know from both angles, in fact - I know it because I was warned not to let anyone who might move into my place contribute specifically to the mortgage in case things went tits up and they made such a claim!)