Page 5 | Partner taking pictures of messy bedroom

Kangaroodance · 30/01/2022 04:34

@Tarne has put exactly what I was thinking down perfectly.

There is a reason behind it and it has happened to me also before! It was to apparently prove that I was an unfit mother but he simply didn't grasp the fact that he was taking photos of his own mess! He didn't clean a bathroom once and couldn't even clean his own marks from the toilet once he had been as obviously that was what I was there for!

Audio recordings were another yes and he used to start recording then suddenly say all types of things out of the blue in the hope I would argue back. Vast majority was pretty bad things but to him he was never in the wrong and it was me who made/caused him to behave in certain ways... usual excuse.

He got mad as you didn't believe his excuse and as for the storming out another yes here. He used to nonstop and didn't care about the impact it had on any children. Then he would claim I had thrown him out without any belongings and essential meds etc the usual nonsense. Yet I was supposedly a terrible mother was wasn't fit to look after them but he would happily vanish nonstop leaving them with the apparent unfit mother!

Please don't be fooled by him. I was for a long time and he tried it again recently despite the fact I've had a premature baby born as an emergency and I had quite bad complications so had to be careful what I was doing or more damage would occur. Of course he didn't help, he added mess and then tried to make out I was lazy and unfit parent.

Some photos were also staged ones and also of deliberate mess he had caused by pulling things out then taking photos right away before I could see what he had done and/or before I could put it away again!

He was showing the photos to various people in an attempt to make it look like poor him he worked all day then came home to all this.... another common line. He also reported me to social services and claimed the above and other associated claims when he was mad at me several times....

Your children will also be taking all of this in and it will make them think that is what happens in relationships. No matter what ages they are it will be registering with them and making an impact.

I'm sorry that you're going through this but prewarned is best in this situation as at least you know what he could well be planning/doing/saying

beingsunny · 30/01/2022 04:47

My ex used to do this, it was evidence for the future of how terrible I was.

GrazingSheep · 30/01/2022 05:03

It's the way he acts towards me that is causing me a problem..

Are you going to stay?

knittingaddict · 30/01/2022 06:04

@DahliaMacNamara

I don't really get the 'evidence' theories. I mean, I see what they're saying, but clothes sitting on a bed before being put away isn't evidence of anything. I put my clean laundry on the bed then sort things and put them away immediately. You could still get the shot of things being, shock horror, ON THE BED, though.

In the warped minds of these men it is important evidence of something. I can't pretend to understand how their minds work, but it's as if they can't tell the difference between what is actual neglect and something that annoys them.

The things my daughter's ex came out with as evidence of how unreasonable she was were laughable. He still does it.

If you put it alongside his actual abuse it's head scratching. I suspect the op's partner has a similar mindset.

knittingaddict · 30/01/2022 06:14

I will also add that having a dumping ground for stuff is totally normal behaviour. We have the luxury of two extra bedrooms and that's where things like washing end up, along with paperwork and other bits and bobs. If we didn't have that it would probably end up on our bed too.

Rosebuud · 30/01/2022 06:50

Actually I will slightly go against the grain here. He works six days a week. He says he’s not allowed to move stuff off the bed, so some discussion must have taken place previously if he’s tried to move it, and you’ve said no or leave it, and you said the instances he’s been angry were where he wished to go to bed, but then couldn’t as you’d piled everything on it.

Communication is the issue here. He’s communicating badly, reacting angrily and not explaining the issue to you. But you also must know that he may need to go to bed, so covering it in stuff he feels he’s not allowed to move isn’t ideal.

So I would firstly find someplace else to dump stuff. Even if it’s a corner of your room on the floor. And he needs to learn to communicate better,not lash out and fly off the handle. If he is allowed to move the stuff then try to understand why he thinks he’s not, why he thinks it will be a problem to you.

The easy answer is to hurl some abuse at him and say ltb, but I think this is about communicating better and trying to work together and understand each other’s needs.

Stars343 · 30/01/2022 07:02

It is bluddy hard work running a home. I don't work currently but my children's dad is only capable of washing the pots and leaving the sides a mess. Or pushing all toys over one side and hoovering the lounge. Other than that he doesn't contribute to the upkeep of the house. With a messy 6 year old. A mischievous 4 year old I often find myself rushing about and I never get to actually stop and enjoy my kids.

You are doing your best. Washing is a part I'm working on. I've managed to get it under control by hanging clothes above the curtains on hangers in bedrooms. I try keep minimum on the airer downstairs now.

He's out of order. You are not his maid. He could try doing some.

MrsSugar · 30/01/2022 07:03

What a bellend. If he’s got time to stand around photographing messy rooms he’s got time to help sort them !

TheReluctantPhoenix · 30/01/2022 07:19

If you want constructive discussion rather than just agreement, you need to think of things from his perspective.

You mentioned that ‘he is not allowed to move things’ from the bed. Imagine if you wanted a lie down on your bed and it was unavailable until he chose to make it so.

Also, you say he works 6 days a week and you work 3, plus childcare for 3. However, two of them are tweens and surely they go to school on your two non-working week days? Does the toddler not go to nursery at all yet?

It is all about fair division of labour and communication. If you are actually doing more, he is being a pig. If not, however, if you have agreed that he works more and you look after the home more, then surely you should do your bit?

It is also a bit contradictory that people claim he is ‘gathering evidence’ but simultaneously think there is nothing wrong with the state of the room..,

What is clear is that you need an honest conversation and a reset. His passive aggressive photographing of ‘the mess’ and your looking for vindication on here, rather than either of you addressing the problems with one another, are a recipe for divorce.

Talk to him or leave him. Those are the only two sensible options.

IwishICouldTurnBackTime · 30/01/2022 07:24

What bizarre behaviour! I've never heard anything like it!

I've been leaving washing on our bed for yonks. I tend to forget it's there, so DH has to move it, but never complains; just moves it, or puts it away if it's his stuff.

Are you able to delete the photos, or put your own, identical photos of a clear bed, or others that might shame him; a kind of tit for tat, or is that being childish?

Seriously though it's a bit worrying he does this. He can't really love you if he does this sort of thing and so immature to storm off when you confront him. Next time he does it tell him to stop being so childish!

PerseverancePays · 30/01/2022 07:26

I also second communication. Would you both consider marriage counselling? He needs to hear that he’s grumpy and unkind, you need to hear his side. You’ll both know soon enough if your relationship has any mileage left in it.

SartresSoul · 30/01/2022 07:28

I’ll be totally honest, my DH has some totally infuriating habits such as leaving drawers and cupboard doors open all of the time and putting his dirty linen on the end of our bed rather than in the basket across the room. It drives me mad and I have taken passive aggressive videos before of me saying ‘this is the open function of a drawer and look, like magic it also has a close function’. I’ve also filmed myself placing clothing in the washing basket. Sometimes I purposely don’t wash his dirty items if they’re not in the basket to make a point.

If your DH sent the photos to you because he was tired of finding big piles off stuff on your bed then fine. He’s obviously sick of walking in to find loads of clutter everywhere. If he’s sent them to someone else to whinge about it then not cool, at all. Also, does he ever help with housework at all? If he leaves it all to you and whinges about the job you do then he’s a wanker.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 30/01/2022 07:29

Id be going back to 5 days work and ideally working the 2 days he is off. Lets see how golden balls does it all on his 2 days

GiantSpider · 30/01/2022 07:34

He's a nasty piece of work.

stayathomer · 30/01/2022 07:44

If he ever mentions them, or anyone else does, your answer is that he lives there too. Even before working ft our room was always last to get a clean. I'm actually properly (and I mean properly) outraged for you. Agree with you starting to take pictures but I think the two of you need to have a proper talk and you need to let him know he's bad tempered (and constantly being a --prick)

Zonder · 30/01/2022 07:49

Wait til he is awake and say you need to talk. Bringing something up when he's going to sleep is crazy. Tell him you need a time when you can both focus then tell him what you've said here and that things need to change.

Do this and if that doesn't get you anywhere then you can talk about leaving.

Inspectorslack · 30/01/2022 07:51

Oh love you have made yourself and your children also vulnerable.

He could throw you out tomorrow.

Is he naked on the birth certificate of your toddler?

Inspectorslack · 30/01/2022 07:51

NAMED

Bloody autocorrect 😳

1AngelicFruitCake · 30/01/2022 07:54

@TheReluctantPhoenix

If you want constructive discussion rather than just agreement, you need to think of things from his perspective.

You mentioned that ‘he is not allowed to move things’ from the bed. Imagine if you wanted a lie down on your bed and it was unavailable until he chose to make it so.

Also, you say he works 6 days a week and you work 3, plus childcare for 3. However, two of them are tweens and surely they go to school on your two non-working week days? Does the toddler not go to nursery at all yet?

It is all about fair division of labour and communication. If you are actually doing more, he is being a pig. If not, however, if you have agreed that he works more and you look after the home more, then surely you should do your bit?

It is also a bit contradictory that people claim he is ‘gathering evidence’ but simultaneously think there is nothing wrong with the state of the room..,

What is clear is that you need an honest conversation and a reset. His passive aggressive photographing of ‘the mess’ and your looking for vindication on here, rather than either of you addressing the problems with one another, are a recipe for divorce.

Talk to him or leave him. Those are the only two sensible options.

I completely agree.

I find it very anti-men on here sometimes. If it was a woman saying she worked 6 days, he worked 3 days and had 2 children at school and 1 at home, everyone would be saying why’s the house not tidy!

It sounds like you need help to reset and get the house in order. Then from that point you might be able to keep on top of it. What do the older children do? They could have jobs to help. I work 3 days. When I had my days off with a toddler and baby I’d get things done throughout the day on and off so I could make the most of my days off.

1AngelicFruitCake · 30/01/2022 07:56

@2ddandabump

Aibu to think this is out of order and to wonder why he has done it.

We have had a rocky relationship for a while now, good days and bad, he has a short temper and can be quite unkind. I work 3 days a week, have 3 children, one of whom is a toddler and 2 tween age children, my partner works full time 6 days a week. Sometimes on my 2 days off after playing with the toddler, feeding the toddler, putting washing in, hanging washing out, bobbing to the supermarket, doing the school run, plus other normal house stuff like hoovering or tidying, I run out of time to tidy every room. So sometimes I end up dumping bags of washing on my bed, some ironing, maybe some paperwork and other stuff I've been trying to sort for the loft etc.

I've discovered that on 4 separate occasions, over the past couple of months now he's taken pictures of the mess, or the overflowing washbasket in the ensuite.

I always tidy it up before bedtime, obviously, as we wouldn't be able to get into bed.

I feel very angry and hurt by this, I assume he's done it because he's gone to lie down later in the evening and the bed is full, so he can't.

Maybe he sends these pictures to someone to have a moan. The most recent time was on the day of my middle child's birthday, I'd tidied every other room as family were coming, decorated the house, looked after the toddler, prepared, served and cleared away a party tea, hosted family etc, he was at work. I feel pi**ed off that he's taken a picture of the mess, surely I'm not the only one to hide piles of paperwork and washing etc in another room when guests are coming round on this occasion.

I am being unreasonable for leaving stuff on the bed?
I am not being unreasonable, he's an arse?

Re-reading your OP I think to take photos on your child’s birthday is out of order, most people panic and shove mess in other rooms.

What would be his side of this? You said yourself you’ve got paperwork from
The loft, washing, ironing etc. Do you need to iron?

Cosmois · 30/01/2022 07:57

My husband did this. He was trying to build evidence for when he left me for another woman to get the kids. He would also record our calls, audio record us as night as he didn't believe the baby was waking up as much as I said, logged my periods as "proof" that anytime I was annoyed at him it wasn't actually his fault but hormonal. He tried calling social services when he left with this proof, had the police round as he told them he was concerned for the children's safety! A decade on we barely see or hear from him, and he didn't get very far with his relationship with the OW or his custody fight, but was still a stressful time having to deal with all that shit.

FindingMeno · 30/01/2022 07:59

Beware.
He's got an agenda.
Nasty.

RantyAunty · 30/01/2022 08:02

As PPs have said, he is has taken them for a reason. He's showing them to someone.

I don't think it does much good to tell him he's being mean. I'm sure you've mentioned it during all this time.
He knows. He doesn't care.

Isn't it interesting, this entire situation benefits him in every way. His house he pays the mortgage and building his asset. It leaves the rest of his money to whatever with it. Invest, spend. Whatever work he does isn't affected in any way,

You pay for everything else. You do everything around the house. You do all the childcare. You do all these things and he can't even treat you with respect. Your job is down to 3 days which means, less money, no house as an asset, less savings, less retirement.

You are an asset to him
He is a liability to you.

Nailsbythesea · 30/01/2022 08:12

Mine did this I found them on his phone / photos of sink full etc and then took one of the dishwasher to show I hadn’t loaded the dishwasher. No shit Sherlock I was recovering from a c section - he produced them in court to show me as an unfit mother. The judge laughed and pointed out he buggered off out running at 6 am back at 8 am and left his dishes and went to work - left me to get the children ready for school. I was full time at work and got home at 4 pm early to pick them up and he didn’t come in until 6 pm and then went to the gym etc - I walked the dogs did the horses did the animals and worked full time. Kids went to back and I finished by work on line whilst he slept.

Be very careful. He is lining you up as an unfit mother. Stalking you and finding excuses and pictures he can send to others as his way of showing you as lazy. Plan your exit quickly and log everything. Copy and delete all pictures off shared apps. Ask him by text why he is taking pictures of mess he contributes too rather than clear it up - your words aren’t enough gather text evidence.

Watch your back.

In my case the judge laughed him out of court. I got full custody.

Quamora · 30/01/2022 08:12

@SartresSoul

I’ll be totally honest, my DH has some totally infuriating habits such as leaving drawers and cupboard doors open all of the time and putting his dirty linen on the end of our bed rather than in the basket across the room. It drives me mad and I have taken passive aggressive videos before of me saying ‘this is the open function of a drawer and look, like magic it also has a close function’. I’ve also filmed myself placing clothing in the washing basket. Sometimes I purposely don’t wash his dirty items if they’re not in the basket to make a point.

If your DH sent the photos to you because he was tired of finding big piles off stuff on your bed then fine. He’s obviously sick of walking in to find loads of clutter everywhere. If he’s sent them to someone else to whinge about it then not cool, at all. Also, does he ever help with housework at all? If he leaves it all to you and whinges about the job you do then he’s a wanker.

Yes mine kicks his shoes off in the middle of the floor, walks away from the table leaving his dishes on there and chair pulled out, leaves clothes all over the floor, cupboards and drawers open yet when I pull him up on it he claims he hardly ever does these things and I’m making a fuss over the one time he’s done it so I have in the past taken pictures for a week to send to him to show him how often it actually is!