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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner taking pictures of messy bedroom

170 replies

2ddandabump · 29/01/2022 22:20

Aibu to think this is out of order and to wonder why he has done it.

We have had a rocky relationship for a while now, good days and bad, he has a short temper and can be quite unkind. I work 3 days a week, have 3 children, one of whom is a toddler and 2 tween age children, my partner works full time 6 days a week. Sometimes on my 2 days off after playing with the toddler, feeding the toddler, putting washing in, hanging washing out, bobbing to the supermarket, doing the school run, plus other normal house stuff like hoovering or tidying, I run out of time to tidy every room. So sometimes I end up dumping bags of washing on my bed, some ironing, maybe some paperwork and other stuff I've been trying to sort for the loft etc.

I've discovered that on 4 separate occasions, over the past couple of months now he's taken pictures of the mess, or the overflowing washbasket in the ensuite.

I always tidy it up before bedtime, obviously, as we wouldn't be able to get into bed.

I feel very angry and hurt by this, I assume he's done it because he's gone to lie down later in the evening and the bed is full, so he can't.

Maybe he sends these pictures to someone to have a moan. The most recent time was on the day of my middle child's birthday, I'd tidied every other room as family were coming, decorated the house, looked after the toddler, prepared, served and cleared away a party tea, hosted family etc, he was at work. I feel pi**ed off that he's taken a picture of the mess, surely I'm not the only one to hide piles of paperwork and washing etc in another room when guests are coming round on this occasion.

I am being unreasonable for leaving stuff on the bed?
I am not being unreasonable, he's an arse?

OP posts:
Toasterandjam · 29/01/2022 23:01

Not Arsenal! I've got no gripes with that football club!Grin Arsehole.

2ddandabump · 29/01/2022 23:04

@giveyou2reasons

He's a crap excuse for a partner. Why does he not just tidy things up, if he's bothered by it? At least he could ask if you could start using another spot to temporarily dump things, if he's frequently wanting to sit on the bed, only to find it's loaded with stuff. (I can see how that might be annoying, tbh, if it could go somewhere other than the bed.) But to passive aggressively take photos? He's being a jerk, especially on a day when you're hosting people in your home.
I agree, it probably is annoying, and it annoys me too, but I just physically run out of time to get everything done. I've actually got quite high standards, I like things to be tidy, but washing for 5 people, and a demanding toddler make it hard to keep to my own standards.
OP posts:
Catra · 29/01/2022 23:04

Who on earth voted AIBU and why??!

WhatICallMyUsername · 29/01/2022 23:06

I took photos for my Instagram home account today and just launched all the crap out of shot before I did. I had to retake one as I realised you could zoom in on a mirror and see all the crap. It's all back now

Bin him. Normal family homes are messy Grin

bonfireheart · 29/01/2022 23:09

LTB. I rarely say but please do. Then you can have your house however you want, it might be messy but if will be idiot-free.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/01/2022 23:09

What did he say when you asked him about the photos?

DahliaMacNamara · 29/01/2022 23:12

I don't really get the 'evidence' theories. I mean, I see what they're saying, but clothes sitting on a bed before being put away isn't evidence of anything. I put my clean laundry on the bed then sort things and put them away immediately. You could still get the shot of things being, shock horror, ON THE BED, though.

tunnocksreturns2019 · 29/01/2022 23:15

Are they his DC too? If so why are you paying for all the childcare?

Concerns me you’re in a vulnerable position as it’s his house and he sounds mean.

RandomMess · 29/01/2022 23:15

So you pay for the privilege of working and keeping his house tidy. Great partner he isn't.

Funny how he gets to go for a lie down in the evenings before you, seems to have more free time yet won't pull his wait.

2ddandabump · 29/01/2022 23:15

@SleepingStandingUp

What did he say when you asked him about the photos?
I haven't yet, he will come out golden whatever I say, with no shame on his part, and hell be annoyed I've seen his pictures, which is fair enough.
OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 29/01/2022 23:19

If you share storage mass delete them he can hardly complain

And for those who don't know its evidence for his pity party or court case

She was so depressed and mentally unstable this is how she left the house all the time! she can't cope with the kids! I tried my best but constantly came home to this im working full time and can only do so much >sob

Abricot1993 · 29/01/2022 23:21

Normally fellas shuffle along and take the rubbish out, do the dishwasher, cook on a weekend and maybe a bit midweek, do the lawn, iron their own shirts , cant find things in the fridge that they want, snooze when they can, moan a bit. They dont photo evidence of piled laundry. This cock womble has an agenda but don`t let him know you know. Get your ducks in a row as I think you know it isnt worth salvaging. He is not called Dom is he? (sorry)

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 29/01/2022 23:22

Of course he's gathering evidence. This is what they do. It's to avoid paying child support.

Abricot1993 · 29/01/2022 23:22

Print this thread OP maybe useful too

TopsieGreenwood · 29/01/2022 23:22

I'm a bit concerned that if he's paying the mortgage on his home and you are paying for childcare, if you were to split he'd have a house and you'd have nothing to show for the childcare. It seems unfair as the childcare benefits him too

2ddandabump · 29/01/2022 23:24

I don't think he is gathering evidence, I think he's probably just an arse, but wanted to see what others thought.

I'm a fully competent mother, and he knows this, he wouldn't have a leg to stand on if he tried to say otherwise. I do everything for my kids, and I'm happy to do it.

OP posts:
Abricot1993 · 29/01/2022 23:24

Take your own photos too and send them to a trusted friend or an internet email account!

PinkButtercups · 29/01/2022 23:25

Oh boohoo what an overworked tired asshole.

He's just a dick.

Please next time you put washing there take a picture of it with your middle finger up at the washing. He will see it if you share pictures.

Abricot1993 · 29/01/2022 23:26

@2ddandabump

I don't think he is gathering evidence, I think he's probably just an arse, but wanted to see what others thought.

I'm a fully competent mother, and he knows this, he wouldn't have a leg to stand on if he tried to say otherwise. I do everything for my kids, and I'm happy to do it.

Who are the`others he wants to show this to?
LemonadeSunshine · 29/01/2022 23:26

Have his arms fallen off? Or is there another reason he can't move / put stuff away if he wants to have a lie down?

2ddandabump · 29/01/2022 23:28

@TopsieGreenwood

I'm a bit concerned that if he's paying the mortgage on his home and you are paying for childcare, if you were to split he'd have a house and you'd have nothing to show for the childcare. It seems unfair as the childcare benefits him too
I know, I am aware ive put myself in a bit of a rubbish situation house wise, but, I don't want to be on the mortgage, it ties me to him and potentially his debt. I've put nothing in so won't loose out that way if I decide to move out. He pays for all the food shopping for example, he's not tight with money. I pay childcare so I could keep my job and independence
OP posts:
Tigertigertigertiger · 29/01/2022 23:37

Don’t jump to conclusions. Ask him !

nitsandwormsdodger · 29/01/2022 23:38

You are in a very vulnerable situation
Firstly I am assuming they are NOT his kids, if they are then he is a horrible man and useless father . Why on earth are you not in the mortage I’m very concerned that you describe yourself as putting
“ nothing in “ running ahome and raising ( his???) kids is very much a big deal

LiterallyKnowsBest · 29/01/2022 23:38

2ddandabump you must immediately secure your position regarding the house, or move out. If you are not married you are in an extremely vulnerable position. Going to court to fight for a few more weeks or months - if your DP decides he wants you out - is honestly not a situation you want to find yourself in.

Did you ever have any conversation about this with him? It’s astonishing how many men allow women to pay bills in a house, while the man pays the mortgage - ensuring that he is the only one with actual rights over the property.

You and your children could be homeless next week.

nitsandwormsdodger · 29/01/2022 23:39

Do you love each other