Partner taking pictures of messy bedroom

[2ddandabump]

Aibu to think this is out of order and to wonder why he has done it.

We have had a rocky relationship for a while now, good days and bad, he has a short temper and can be quite unkind. I work 3 days a week, have 3 children, one of whom is a toddler and 2 tween age children, my partner works full time 6 days a week. Sometimes on my 2 days off after playing with the toddler, feeding the toddler, putting washing in, hanging washing out, bobbing to the supermarket, doing the school run, plus other normal house stuff like hoovering or tidying, I run out of time to tidy every room. So sometimes I end up dumping bags of washing on my bed, some ironing, maybe some paperwork and other stuff I've been trying to sort for the loft etc.

I've discovered that on 4 separate occasions, over the past couple of months now he's taken pictures of the mess, or the overflowing washbasket in the ensuite.

I always tidy it up before bedtime, obviously, as we wouldn't be able to get into bed.

I feel very angry and hurt by this, I assume he's done it because he's gone to lie down later in the evening and the bed is full, so he can't.

Maybe he sends these pictures to someone to have a moan. The most recent time was on the day of my middle child's birthday, I'd tidied every other room as family were coming, decorated the house, looked after the toddler, prepared, served and cleared away a party tea, hosted family etc, he was at work. I feel pi**ed off that he's taken a picture of the mess, surely I'm not the only one to hide piles of paperwork and washing etc in another room when guests are coming round on this occasion.

I am being unreasonable for leaving stuff on the bed?
I am not being unreasonable, he's an arse?

He doesn't need photographs to remind him of your supposed incompetence. He needs photographs to share with someone. Who? A woman he needs to convince that there's nothing between you and him? Someone presiding over a custody decision? His mates so they can have a laugh? Some message board where men slag off women? Whatever he is up to, it isn't good. You need rid of him.

And I've just read the post above which seems to be saying exactly the same.

@2ddandabump

I don't think he is gathering evidence, I think he's probably just an arse, but wanted to see what others thought.

I'm a fully competent mother, and he knows this, he wouldn't have a leg to stand on if he tried to say otherwise. I do everything for my kids, and I'm happy to do it.

2dd he wouldn’t have a leg to stand on but you wouldn’t have a home to live in is the point people are making. You’re vulnerable as an unmarried parent living in someone else’s house.

@LaurenKelsey

This is inexcusable. Not only is he taking photos of the mess but he’s got to be sharing them with someone. I’d feel that my privacy had been invaded in addition to him being a complete arse.

^^ This! Completely disloyal. And it's a statement that he sees himself "outside" of the problem.

Often, in this type of thread, (and there have been many) the OP will say she couldn’t afford to live in that geographical area / location if she were not living in the man’s house. So - when he eventually puts her and her children out of the home, the children will also face the immense disruption of a sudden forced move to some other school. If any at all.

I wonder if the OP and her ‘D’P have ever discussed her NI contributions, pension, joint Wills, what happens if one of them dies while there are dependent children living in the house … No? Thought not.

Nice of you to buy his house for him. You need to develop a more suspicious nature. You're in a very vulnerable position please get in touch with womens aid for advice asap.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts, we all agree it's a co*k move.

He is self employed, I highly doubt the affair angle, I've seen pictures of his work (he showed me) and I've seen payments for the work done.

He is the least financial and tech savvy person I know, I could easily delete the pictures if I wanted to. Plus I'd wipe the floor with him if he tried to say a was a bad parent, it's just not true and apart from a messy l bed there's nothing.

I've taken on board everyone's comments about the house and childcare.

He shouted mainly to shut the conversation down because we have had recent conversations about shouting in front of children.

My ex used to do this. It was so he could throw it back at me if I ever dared to say I had tidied. Very emotionally abusive relationship

It is not about saying you’re a bad parent! That’s the least of your worries. Judges aren’t interested in that sort of nonsense - and in any case, if you’re not married he wouldn’t need legal action to evict you pretty much instantly.

Please, please read the advice here again. You really are glossing over not just your own but your childrens’ housing security.

You’ve been starting threads about issue with our partner for years OP

It sounds unhappy all round

Dead in the water I’d say

So basically he has taken a picture of the work you physically ran out of time to do because he didn't help? So all the stuff he should have been tidying up?

The easy answer is to hurl some abuse at him and say ltb, but I think this is about communicating better and trying to work together and understand each other’s needs.

Did you miss the part where he has a short temper and is mean and unkind? Also, what kind of person responds to one part of the house being a bit messy by taking photographic evidence? It isvery clear what kind of a person this man is. And it's clear from her subsequent posts that the OP knows it full well, and knows that she should leave if she's able.

He's gathering evidence

Counter it and photograph all the tidy rooms once done

I often dump stuff on bed in our room if tidying etc and if its still there at bedtime my dh just puts on floor and gets in , he doesn't complain as he knows its our mess not just mine
He may put it away as well bit of late and tired just moves it and gets into bed as what makes it my job not his
We both live here so we both need to tidy is our I see it

If you don’t think he’s doing it for evidence, OP, why do you think he’s doing it?

You asked him and he lied about it. He’s not doing it to prove a point to you because he’s not showing you

You’ve said he’ll be annoyed if he knows you’ve seen the photos and that’s “fair enough”.

If you have shared storage, why does he get to be annoyed that you’ve seen them? Have a look at how you behave and what you accept in this relationship.

My controlling ex husband used to do this, everything else could be perfect but he would take pics of the things that weren’t or were unfinished. He did it to show his other woman to justify why he was forced to have an affair.

Does he take photos of the prepared meal? His clean pants? Etc., You should have a conversation about this and ask who he is sharing these with, no point in taking them if he’s not going to show someone, then ask why he doesn’t photograph all that you do get done and why he feels the need to humiliate you.

Good god he is a total arse.
My house is always , always tidy. Because my children are adults, DH is retired and we have downsized.
When the DC lived at home my house could be described as messy clean, ie under the mess the floors and surfaces were clean. I dont think I saw my kitchen table for a couple of delightful years when both DC were teens & just dumped their crap as soon as they got home . Also I opted out of the notion of ironing as soon as DC left school.

@Georgeskitchen

Tell him to tidy up if it bothers him so much!! An untidy house doesn't mean an unfit mother!!

Agree! It means an unsupported mother.

Op you know what he's up to he's really up to don't you?

He is going to have enough evidence to turn all this back on you with an almighty row to kick you and your other DC out of the house while he and his favourite one, his only child with you, gets to stay.

He is biding his time while you sort out the difficult baby/ toddler stage when the child is old enough so he can manipulate and say "mummy is a bad mummy that's why she doesn't live here anymore".

You have no leg to stand on legally.

WAKE UP

He doesn’t sound like someone who isn’t financially savvy. He has you paying the bills for his house, all of the childcare for his children (or aren’t they his children?) plus cooking, shopping and cleaning for him

You seem to be concentrating on the wrong thing
Wiping the floor with him because he might deem you an unfit parent is not the issue

I would be able to rent, I did before moving in here, and his family would be appalled if he tried to get us to move out, which he wouldn't do as he loves our toddler child deeply and would be making him homeless. I'm not worried about my housing situation. More that I am in a relationship with a twt, I don't want to share custody and see my toddler less, but I know he is a danger to happy family life*

What you mean is him and his family are quite happy to see you homeless but the children stay with him.
I think at a guess he is sharing these pictures with his parent to get them on board. I would say he is gearing up to kicking you out and then shared care would be what you are fighting for.

I know I need to set an example of how we should expect to be treated, of what real love is

I've definitely got the balls to move us all out, just not the finances I'd like to have

But how will you rent somewhere for you and the children if you don’t have the finances. Probably because you are paying too much money and time out on facilitating someone to pay off their mortgage.

Yes I know he's an twt, he's an angry mean twt

It's the way he acts towards me that is causing me a problem

I'm in the classic situation, living with a man who is basically one giant red flag

Then why are you with him

Sell stuff, clear stuff out, do your own private photography on how much he earns each year for the past few years and how in demand he is and all the paperwork to do with bank and savings accounts, pensions, savings, mortgage,bills and childcare
Start being a bit more frugal to stash the money away so you can move out with your children prior to him actually kicking you alone out
Remember a sofa bed means you can have one less bedroom and kids can share.
The rest can be worked out later.

OP I know this isn't the point of your thread but it does sound like you are beginning to see him more clearly for the man he is.
With that in mind, you'd have your childcare paid for as a lone parent on UC while working and depending what you earn further UC on top of that too. Allowances have changed recently so it could be more than you think.
Do a calculation so you have an idea of what you'd receive.

And he can't tidy or empty a bin?

He sounds like a knob OP!

I do the same thing as you with the bed! Yesterday I took a load of dry clothes off the airer at about 9am, so I could put another load on, and dumped them on the bed.

Then didn't get around to folding and putting away until about 12 hours later!

This has enraged me.
Maybe if he spent less time taking pictures and moaning about it to whoever thinks is acceptable - it would be tidied.

I am so angry.