Not to want to collect adult DS immediately

[44timesaround]

DS 19 moved out over a year ago to live with his GF. They've had ups and downs as most young relationships have.
I'm just at the point of competition on a house for myself and 2 DD to a smaller house, 3 bedrooms based on him living with his GF.
He's fallen out with GF and now says he wants to come home and can I come get him immediately.
When DS has come home for visits before he has had out bursts of being aggressive to me, shouting and smashing stuff.
We've had a long talk and sorted stuff out and in a much better place. I've been in counselling to become more assertive due to over compensation after a bad previous relationship.
DD are upset that they may now have to share a room if he comes home. They are going through normal teenage issues and are looking forward to a new start in a new home.

As he and His GF argue then get back together in a day or two. AIBU to try to put it off for a few days to see if they make up?
He says it's definitely over.

I wouldn't allow him to move back home tbh. I'd support him to find a house share or similar if he doesn't want to live with his girlfriend anymore. Maybe he could keep their place and she move out?

I wouldn't let him make demands like that. He left home and I'm sure you were relieved because he behaved so badly. He doesn't have the right to just move back in.

He should plan to go and stay with a friend. He’s 19, old enough to count on your emotional support but too old for you to drop everything to pick him up and house him.

Why can’t he travel by himself? He needs you to pack up all his stuff in a car I presume?

He can have the sofa

If he's old enough to move out and live with his GF he's old enough to live in his own or a flat share. Obviously you'll want to help him with that

I wouldn't usually think that once a child has moved out that's it, they're no longer welcome back but in your DS's case the violence and aggression towards you would be enough for me to say no, he's an adult now and needs to sort it out himself. I wonder if his girlfriend has kicked him out because he's tried that shit with her.

His been living with his GF at her parents house and to be honest it sounds like it's a very unhealthy relationship with her having a lot of controlling issues with him. But I'm only getting one side of the story.

As I say we are in a lot better place but I am reluctant to rush to get him. He's begging me to come get him and I feel dreadfully guilty about not rushing to get him.

He doesn't work and one of the issues we had when he was home was him smoking weed.

Sounds like her parents are sick of his shit too.

Is his dad on the scene?

I can currently have him in our old house but it adds so much pressure to our lives. He's room is still here.

The new house we should be moving into in 3 weeks.

I would have to go and collect him and his stuff.
Meaning all of our plans this weekend would be blown out the window.

No his DF died when he was 10.

Don’t let him move back in, he sounds like a nightmare. He can get a flat or house share elsewhere

I have a 17.5 year old and agree at 19 years they are still learning BUT he is an adult. Exposing your younger children to drugs and violence is a child protection issue so why risk him coming back. Provide emotional and possible financial support for a local to you house share but if you let him back in you are teaching your daughters it is ok to have a violent drug user in the home. Is that what you want for them?

He's old enough to clean up his act, get support with his substance misuse if necessary and get a job and a room in a house share.

Given his behaviour and its impact on the rest of the family I don't see why you should allow him to come back home to live.

I'd tell him you have plans. He is welcome to come home but he has to sort out getting his own stuff moved.

He has 3 weeks to sort out somewhere else to live because when you move into the new house there isn't a spare bedroom for him.

Also set ground rules for while he is there eg. no weed.

No I really really don't.

I'm desperately trying to give them the best most stable and supportive life I can.

I just feel guilty as he's so desperate and seems to have come on quite far.

I'm not very assertive and struggle to say no. Hence getting some support.

He's cut off his friends to be with her so know he's feeling bereft atm.

Does he have grandparents who he can stay with?

I'm just trying to think of an alternative where he'll be respectful because of the relationship so you know he's safe but he won't give you grief.

He clearly can't continue staying with her, if she lives with his parents. I think he'll have to come home, with ground rules for three weeks and then find a room in a flat share?

He's a grown up who wants to be treated as a child. Tell him you have plans for the weekend and he'll have to make his own way back.

i am not sure why you are moving and not leaving a room for him personally

you are an adult, you make the decisions
did you never consider he might want to come back?

No, I wouldn't let him back home, he's very abusive and he'll just have to sort himself out.
And kick the weed habit.

Tell him you can't get to him as you have plans, so he will have to hold fire or make his own arrangements.

Then tell him he can only stay with you until you complete on your new house as you don't have a room for him because, as far as you are concerned, he'd left home.

Also tell him that the minute he's rude to you or has weed etc then he's out!

Sounds like he could be in an abusive relationship. You should go get him and encourage him to find his own feet. Even if that means his sisters sharing a room for a little while. Don't encourage him to stay with a controlling partner that cut his friends off for you convenience.

i am sorry about your weekend plans
but you are still his parent, the only parent