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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want to collect adult DS immediately

248 replies

44timesaround · 29/01/2022 12:54

DS 19 moved out over a year ago to live with his GF. They've had ups and downs as most young relationships have.
I'm just at the point of competition on a house for myself and 2 DD to a smaller house, 3 bedrooms based on him living with his GF.
He's fallen out with GF and now says he wants to come home and can I come get him immediately.
When DS has come home for visits before he has had out bursts of being aggressive to me, shouting and smashing stuff.
We've had a long talk and sorted stuff out and in a much better place. I've been in counselling to become more assertive due to over compensation after a bad previous relationship.
DD are upset that they may now have to share a room if he comes home. They are going through normal teenage issues and are looking forward to a new start in a new home.

As he and His GF argue then get back together in a day or two. AIBU to try to put it off for a few days to see if they make up?
He says it's definitely over.

OP posts:
Whatinthelord · 29/01/2022 14:09

Op can you clarify what you mean by his past aggression.

Did he shout and storm off a lot…..or are we talking about him hitting, smashing up the house and scaring you and your daughters?

JarvisCockersRightEyebrow · 29/01/2022 14:09

@viques

I wonder if the gf being “controlling” means that she was on at him to get a job, give up the weed, stop the aggression and generally try to behave like an adult! All of which are the same actions anyone would take faced with a lazy, aggressive druggy sponging man child for a partner.

Good for her for realising she was supporting a loser, if she posted her side of the story I bet the verdict would be ltb.

Yep!
AnneLovesGilbert · 29/01/2022 14:10

Your dependent daughters must be your priority. Letting an angry abusive drug taking man into their home would be very irresponsible. They’re watching how you let him treat you. And them.

ifonly4 · 29/01/2022 14:11

I'd explain to him you've got plans and the best you can do is Monday. He's an adult and is quite capable of getting a train/coach home - he can travel with two large suitcases on National Express and the train, plus whatever can be carried on his back. The rest can be boxed and sent. If he gets his act together, he can have it all sorted for tomorrow.

converseandjeans · 29/01/2022 14:11

I also agree there are other ways to support him other than having him home. Could you help with rent on a house share? Or don't teenagers do this any more?

I don't imagine a 19 year old will get much in the way of support in terms of housing. He'll be bottom of the list.

Tickledtrout · 29/01/2022 14:11

Has he had support to deal with his dad's death, OP? He seems angry, and anger often comes from fear, which is understandable when your dad died at a young age.
Never too late for bereavement counselling.

NotNowAlan · 29/01/2022 14:12

@MrsLargeEmbodied

the council wouldnt house him

some of you would have him in a hostel?

Well yes, if the other option is to allow an aggressive drug user into my and my younger DC's home. Actions have consequences.
AcrossthePond55 · 29/01/2022 14:14

@44timesaround

I inclined to say I'll come and get him after work on Monday as that might give them time to make up. But we keep coming to this point.

Every time they have a row he becomes verbally aggressive via text to me how I don't support him.

Also my DP won't come to the house when he's here after witnessing the last abusive out burst by DS.

I think you shouldn't allow him to move back. He's proven that he can't behave in a respectful manner to you. Aggression simply cannot be tolerated and we all have a right to a peaceful home. Our children don't trump that right.

My cousin had similar behaviour with her DS, not physical abuse but vile words, posturing, and physical aggression. Also refusing to keep to the house rules (no weed in the house, no being drunk/high, etc) and leaving horrible messes for her to clean up. Once she told her son to leave the 2nd time that was it. She will not allow him to move back because of his behaviour, not even now that he's 'straightened up'. She said he's burnt that bridge and then blown up the wreckage of it. She says he has left too many deep scars for her to ever trust him completely and that they can never share a home again.

She recently, however, did pay for him to stay in a hotel for a few nights during a job relocation. He originally had expected to move into her home with his gf and she told him 'no' and that she and he could not manage to live together peaceably in the past and she wasn't going to take any chances now.

She told her son "Sow the wind, reap the whirlwind". Maybe it's time for your DS to reap his own whirlwind.

GatoradeMeBitch · 29/01/2022 14:14

He should plan to go and stay with a friend.

At 19 most of them probably still live with their parents.

he has had out bursts of being aggressive to me, shouting and smashing stuff.
her having a lot of controlling issues with him. But I'm only getting one side of the story.

He sounds very emotionally immature, and she probably has to move into a pseudo mothering role to try and deal with it.

Ideally you'd bring him home and let him grow up for a couple more years, and become easier for a future partner to live with. And he can do that from your sofa. But's it's far easier said than done I know.

ashorterday · 29/01/2022 14:14

Give his past behaviour I wouldn't have him home - tell him to look for a house share if he is separating from his GF.

PinkSyCo · 29/01/2022 14:15

You need to leave him where he is. Sounds like he needs to mature a lot. If you 'rescue' him all the time, he will never learn.

But OP hasn’t ‘rescued’ him once yet. On the contrary she’s making sure her DS can’t return to the nest by downsizing, even though it was pretty obvious that, at 18,his relationship was not going to last for ever.

wishmyhousetidy · 29/01/2022 14:18

In some ways Op by dropping everything and going to pick him up you are not actually helping him grow up. I have experience of living with a child who is aggressive, and we are aware of the reasons why this occurs and counselling is involved. However, aggressive behaviour becomes ingrained and their default setting when things do not go their way . This has to be unlearnt with counselling and also by realising that threats and violence do not get you where you want in life.

I think as others have said you need to not run the second he asks, if he comes back it is for a set time and you will help him get a room in a flat. You are in a tough situation, but he has to learn how to treat people with respect, you are not his punchbag, even verbally, ,when things are not going well for him. Plus you have daughters to think about.
Some of the saintly mothers on this chat who would always have a house big enough to home their 50 year old ‘children’ have maybe not walked the path you have. Good luck

hellcatspangle · 29/01/2022 14:19

@MrsLargeEmbodied

the council wouldnt house him

some of you would have him in a hostel?

Yes! Why should the OP and her daughters have to tolerate an abusive, jobless drug user in their home?
affairsofdragons · 29/01/2022 14:20

Hard no.

Tell him to find a room somewhere and if you can, offer to help pay the deposit.

You and your daughters are entitled to feel safe in their own home. He's an aggressive, large 19 year old who has moved out. Make it permanent.

Applesonthelawn · 29/01/2022 14:21

I can't imagine not helping my 19 year son when he needs help, and I've witnessed controlling relationships and would be applauding his efforts to get away. But he has to stop the weed and get a job. It all hangs on whether you can get him to that state, or he can get himself there? Has he realised yet that life gets nasty if you are not on top of things all the time, or is that the lesson he needs?

RowanAlong · 29/01/2022 14:21

Yes, he can come back to the sofa. Conditions: girls get their rooms, he is absolutely not to bring weed anywhere near your house or his sisters, he starts looking for work and saving for a flat share ASAP. He’s 19, time to encourage his independence. And he does his own washing.

nitsandwormsdodger · 29/01/2022 14:26

What a horrible position to be in, I feel for you and you know you need to have boundaries , I’m guessing you have been soft on him since his dad died but you need to draw some lines in the sand , ie
“yes darling I love you and will come get you but we have plans and the earliest I can conveniently get there is Monday , there will be no weed smoking while you live under my roof , if you require drug counselling I will help you source that . My partner bob stays every other Wednesday night and at weekends you will treat him with curtesy and respect otherwise ( as much as I love you) you will not be welcome “

Unsure33 · 29/01/2022 14:30

You say he has come on a bit , but is he still not working and still smoking weed ?

I have no idea why his GF parents would have been putting up with that ?

knittingaddict · 29/01/2022 14:33

@Gizacluethen

Sounds like he could be in an abusive relationship. You should go get him and encourage him to find his own feet. Even if that means his sisters sharing a room for a little while. Don't encourage him to stay with a controlling partner that cut his friends off for you convenience.
It sounds like he is the abusive one when living with the op, so I would strongly suspect that he is the abusive partner in this scenario too.
Threeboysandadog · 29/01/2022 14:33

I have 2 adults sons living at home with me (27 & 25) both having lost their jobs during the pandemic and would say, generally, I would go and get them anytime, anywhere that they needed me. However, they are both polite and respectful, have new jobs and are (almost) paying their was. I would not have them in the house if they were violent, taking drugs or putting their younger brother at risk.

OP I think you need to help him report as homeless to the council and possibly get him B&B for a week.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/01/2022 14:34

"He's fallen out with GF and now says he wants to come home and can I come get him immediately."
Immediately? You're not his servant. Strike one.
"When DS has come home for visits before he has had out bursts of being aggressive to me, shouting and smashing stuff." Strike two.
"He doesn't work and one of the issues we had when he was home was him smoking weed." Strike three.

And that's before we even start to consider the affect he has on your daughters, you, and even your DP.

He moved out over a year ago, and yes he is your son and that's why you feel guilty ('A Mother's Place Is In The Wrong'Grin). But frankly, it is not in anyone's interests that he move back in with you and your daughters, not even in his interests if you're looking at his long-term interests.

DearlyBeloathed · 29/01/2022 14:36

This. My son is 19 and he is always welcome here

Even if he was aggressive, jobless, and drug abusing? More fool you.

I know a parent who has enabled her similarly behaved son, and it's done him no favours at all. He's now in his 40s, still at home, and still behaving the same.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 29/01/2022 14:36

@viques

I wonder if the gf being “controlling” means that she was on at him to get a job, give up the weed, stop the aggression and generally try to behave like an adult! All of which are the same actions anyone would take faced with a lazy, aggressive druggy sponging man child for a partner.

Good for her for realising she was supporting a loser, if she posted her side of the story I bet the verdict would be ltb.

Yep. I had similar at that age. I was controlling and tried to stop him going out with his friends apparantly. What actually happened was I tried to stop him spending all our rent money getting pissed with random pissheads and coming home and smashing shit up. Was I trying to exert control, damn right I was, because someone needed to as he sure as fuck wasn't.

I also wonder how he was paying his way at his girlfriends parents house. Who was funding the roof over his head, the food he ate and the drugs he took?

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/01/2022 14:37

Oh, and don't you even think about letting his drama interfere with your house move! You and your girls go ahead with your plans.

Whatinthelord · 29/01/2022 14:38

@DearlyBeloathed

This. My son is 19 and he is always welcome here

Even if he was aggressive, jobless, and drug abusing? More fool you.

I know a parent who has enabled her similarly behaved son, and it's done him no favours at all. He's now in his 40s, still at home, and still behaving the same.

Exactly. This type of mucked up dynamic won’t do anyone any favours.