Not to want to collect adult DS immediately

[44timesaround]

DS 19 moved out over a year ago to live with his GF. They've had ups and downs as most young relationships have.
I'm just at the point of competition on a house for myself and 2 DD to a smaller house, 3 bedrooms based on him living with his GF.
He's fallen out with GF and now says he wants to come home and can I come get him immediately.
When DS has come home for visits before he has had out bursts of being aggressive to me, shouting and smashing stuff.
We've had a long talk and sorted stuff out and in a much better place. I've been in counselling to become more assertive due to over compensation after a bad previous relationship.
DD are upset that they may now have to share a room if he comes home. They are going through normal teenage issues and are looking forward to a new start in a new home.

As he and His GF argue then get back together in a day or two. AIBU to try to put it off for a few days to see if they make up?
He says it's definitely over.

If he can afford weed then he can afford a room in an hmo. You're exposing your daughters to aggression and drugs.

Hell just have to sort himself out, like other adults do.

Obviously with ground rules like no weed and no aggression but he's still young and clearly been through some difficult times so don't just write him off.

He’s aggressive and has a weed problem! It’s absolutely not fair to just expect his sister to share a room with him.

It's a lesson perhaps he needs to learn around relationships.
I would offer to get him on Sunday afternoon, after you have done your weekend plans. It's maybe awkward for him to be there, but he could take himself out for the day.
Sat he can come back until you move, but you hadn't factored in him living with you going forward. Encourage him to find a house share with people his own age. He needs to make some new friends too.

@WheelieBinPrincess

He’s aggressive and has a weed problem! It’s absolutely not fair to just expect his sister to share a room with him.

His sister wouldn't have to share a room with him. She's got two girls who would share a room so he could have the other one

Oh yeah I misread. Not fair to have him in the house with them either though if he’s smoking weed and being aggressive.

You are moving in 3 weeks. You could allow him home and give him until then until find something. Otherwise he presents as homeless? That’s hard I know. He won’t clean his act up and find a job with adults bailing him out. If I was his gf’s parents I would be fed up with him too. The relationship as you say must be unhealthy with him not working and smoking weed regardless of what she and her family are like.

Oh I missed the aggressive stuff. Then no. He had to sort himself out

YANBU. I have a brother like him. For yours and your daughter's sakes, don't let him back.

Has he ever had bereavement counselling over the death of his father? Could his grief be the root of his behaviour?

Offer advice and be a sounding board by all means but as soon as he gets aggressive or violent then end the visit. It's fucking horrible walking on eggshells around an aggressive man.

Being generous, (I know it's hard and I saw my mum in this situation and how conflicted she was) he's your child and you want to protect him but he needs to take some responsibility for his actions. Had he not been aggressive and selfish I'm sure you would be more willing to have him home. He can't treat people like shit and expect no consequence.

I think I would have an open and honest conversation of

‘Jack, you’re welcome any time of course you are but we’re going to have to find another solution. We’re moving in three weeks and there’s not enough room. Of course I’ll come and get you but it’s not going to be like it was before you moved out. You need to find your own place, I’ll gladly help you and loan you the deposit if you need but I’m not putting us all in the position of you moving back home, smoking weed all day and being unpleasant to me and your sisters. I’m sure that’s not what you want either. What are your plans and how can we reach it together?’

If he kicks off then a simple ‘this is exactly why I don’t want you living with me as a long term arrangement. You speak to me appallingly when I’m trying to help. I don’t deserve that and I can guarantee you didn’t speak to X’s parents like that.’

Can't he transport himself to yours?

Is he aware that you're moving soon?

I’d normally be on the side of ‘tough love’, but not on this occasion. If he improved his behaviour towards you, and is now sitting in a house with people who don’t want him there, it must feel awful.
How much of his past behaviour is around unresolved grief?
Even if he comes to you for the 3 weeks and find a room share before you move, it’s better than leaving him in someone’s house where he is not welcome. If he was a girl, and lived with a controlling man and his family, reactions would have been so different.

Obviously- if he gets aggressive, he needs to leave straight away. That’s in no way okay. Make that clear to him, not just on this occasion, but as a permanent rule.

I inclined to say I'll come and get him after work on Monday as that might give them time to make up.
But we keep coming to this point.

Every time they have a row he becomes verbally aggressive via text to me how I don't support him.

Also my DP won't come to the house when he's here after witnessing the last abusive out burst by DS.

I'd feel awful but no aggressive weed smoker would be moving back in once I'd got him out of my house.

If he's angry, aggressive and smokes weed at home he likely does that around his girlfriend too. You've been brave enough to admit your parenting contributed to his behaviour so I would want to support him both for that and to protect his girlfriend from his behaviours, but I wouldn't want him at home. PP's idea of helping him into a HMO sounds a good one.

Would stop the weed, find a job and I will help with the first 2 months rent be something he would go for?

He needs to arrange his own transport, he can stay for 2 weeks while he sorts alternate accommodation and then away he goes.

I think unless you have been trapped living with a violent, drug taking brother/son is it hard to imagine ever refusing them to return home. His presence will definitely have a negative effect on his sisters.

• negative effect on his sisters who have also lost a parent.

he becomes verbally aggressive by text?
do you support him?

i assume he hasnt been dossing at his GF?

he must no longer doss, he must work, not smoke weed for starters,

They don’t necessarily have the same dad.

No I’m sorry, I’m usually all for parents supporting their young adult children, but your son sounds abusive. I think you need to prioritise your daughters and your own needs.

If he cannot stay he needs to present himself to the local council as homeless. Possibly you could support him with that or offer to book a cheap bnb for him for a week until he can access alternative housing.

Based on your comments about aggression, control of GF, weed smoking…..taking him back home would be a massive mistake.

your partner leaves the house when your ds comes home?
sounds rather awkward

No I wouldn't pick him up. You have a responsibility to your younger kids to maintain a safe environment. It's completely inappropriate to ask two girls to share a room with an adult male sibling.

is his relationship with your partner contributing to his aggression?

@WheelieBinPrincess

They don’t necessarily have the same dad.

OP hasn't said otherwise but you are right. Still a fucking horrible position to be in though.