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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want to collect adult DS immediately

248 replies

44timesaround · 29/01/2022 12:54

DS 19 moved out over a year ago to live with his GF. They've had ups and downs as most young relationships have.
I'm just at the point of competition on a house for myself and 2 DD to a smaller house, 3 bedrooms based on him living with his GF.
He's fallen out with GF and now says he wants to come home and can I come get him immediately.
When DS has come home for visits before he has had out bursts of being aggressive to me, shouting and smashing stuff.
We've had a long talk and sorted stuff out and in a much better place. I've been in counselling to become more assertive due to over compensation after a bad previous relationship.
DD are upset that they may now have to share a room if he comes home. They are going through normal teenage issues and are looking forward to a new start in a new home.

As he and His GF argue then get back together in a day or two. AIBU to try to put it off for a few days to see if they make up?
He says it's definitely over.

OP posts:
Riverlee · 29/01/2022 13:44

I have a 19 year old. I couldn’t imagine refusing him coming home. However, the weed and boundaries have to stop.

converseandjeans · 29/01/2022 13:44

I think 19 is still young. I was at uni at that age and used to go home for the holidays. I don't think I would have been ready to leave home properly.

His issues are likely as a result of his loss of a parent at a young age. He probably needs counselling.

Is the father of the girls the same as his? Is your partner the father of the girls? It may have unsettled him as a teen that you moved on with a new partner. I'm not saying you should have stayed single - but your relationship with your partner and your son doesn't sound positive. You are probably his only safe space.

That said he needs to find work or a college course and cut back on the weed smoking.

Cstring · 29/01/2022 13:45

I think the fact that he is jobless, a drug user and has been agressive before means it’s a no for moving back in. It’s tough love but maybe he needs to present to the council as homeless. I doubt you’ll get him out again if you allow him to live back in.

AngelinaFibres · 29/01/2022 13:46

@44timesaround

His been living with his GF at her parents house and to be honest it sounds like it's a very unhealthy relationship with her having a lot of controlling issues with him. But I'm only getting one side of the story.

As I say we are in a lot better place but I am reluctant to rush to get him. He's begging me to come get him and I feel dreadfully guilty about not rushing to get him.

He doesn't work and one of the issues we had when he was home was him smoking weed.

Last paragraph here is all you need to say.No way would I disrupt what you and your daughters have planned to take your son back in. Time to grow up, get a job and pack in the weed.
CanofCant · 29/01/2022 13:48

There are many ways to support him other than letting him move back in.

chesirecat99 · 29/01/2022 13:51

I inclined to say I'll come and get him after work on Monday as that might give them time to make up.

Your DS is begging you to pick him up because he wants to leave a relationship you describe as abusive. You say his girlfriend is controlling and has cut him off from his friends.

Why on earth are you hoping that he will reconcile with his abusive GF?

I can understand that you don't want him in your home because of his past behaviour but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be helping him to leave an abusive relationship, even if that means picking him up and taking him to a hostel, or helping him arrange transport and accommodation if you think he might be aggressive towards you.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 29/01/2022 13:51

You don't need to be abused by your son because his relationship is rocky.

He's an adult, if he behaves aggressively and smokes weed when you have younger kids in the house then he can't come and stay.

I'd meet him somewhere neutral for a conversation about that. And point out that being an adult man has responsibilities and one of those is not to behave abominably towards women and children.

As he has demonstrated he can't behave in a reasonable way then you'll support him to find permanent housing and you want him to come round for his dinner and be involved with you and his siblings - but he can't scare them and you.

He's 19. He's got time to learn how to not be an arsehole.

PoshPyjamas · 29/01/2022 13:51

If he smashes things up he wouldn't be moving back in. He's an adult so he can sort out a house share or something similar.

Totalwasteofpaper · 29/01/2022 13:53

@NuffSaidSam

I wouldn't allow him to move back home tbh. I'd support him to find a house share or similar if he doesn't want to live with his girlfriend anymore. Maybe he could keep their place and she move out?
This.

Your Dds shouldn't have to live in fear. He is an adult and needs to live independently

PinkSyCo · 29/01/2022 13:54

Ooh this is a hard one. I know at 19 you’re classed as an adult but it is still very young, so I would definitely let him come back home if it wasn’t for the aggression. About that, you say you went to counselling to learn to deal with that but what about him? He lost his dad at 10 and no doubt that has contributed to his feeling so angry at the world. He needs counselling if anyone. When was he last aggressive to you, including verbally? If recently I would not let him come home unless he promised to get help for his problems.

hettie · 29/01/2022 13:54

Wyatt is it with all these young people who are completely allergic to renting a room in a shared house? Everyone I knew did this, we weren't even in the same cities as our parents. When i talk to parents and 20 something's they all say it's expensive (ermm yup). We were all skint, trying to our way up/do extra overtime/living on thin air and scraping together money to put on the electric key... There seems such an expectation of a certain level of disposable income which can only be facilitated by living at home..... You've got no right at that age to demand to come home

Loveisthere · 29/01/2022 13:55

He needs to grow up find a job and somewhere to live asap. Did he ask to come back or did he automatically think there is a revolving door with his name on it. No way would I have him back with his aggressive outbursts.

Saz12 · 29/01/2022 13:55

Is he sounding aggressive in his texts to you now? If so I’d not be taking him back so readily.
If he’s asking nicely then ok, I’d probably suggest he packs his things up, asks to leave them somewhere out the way in the house until Monday (when you’ll pick them up by car), and gets public transport to yours just now.

KatherineJaneway · 29/01/2022 13:55

You need to leave him where he is. Sounds like he needs to mature a lot. If you 'rescue' him all the time, he will never learn.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 29/01/2022 13:56

the council wouldnt house him

some of you would have him in a hostel?

viques · 29/01/2022 13:57

Aggressive.Not working.Smokes weed.

I am not surprised the GF , and her family , want rid of him.

OP you know if you let him back in to your house he will not move out again and the same situations will crop up but in a smaller house. It’s a sad and a hard thing, but for the sake of your other children, and your own mental and physical wellbeing you have to say no.

He is doing nothing to support himself, tell him he will be welcome back into your life when he shows signs that he is changing.

Tricked2003 · 29/01/2022 14:00

Allow him to come back until you move........he then has 3 weeks to sort himself somewhere to live. I would be setting VERY FIRM ground rules, though, break them and he is out straight away

WheelieBinPrincess · 29/01/2022 14:00

@MrsLargeEmbodied you obviously have a pretty low bar of what you’ll put up with in your own home.

Summersdreaming · 29/01/2022 14:00

He needs to learn to be less of an aggressive arsehole, his gf can't stand to live with him, neither can you and his grandparents don't even want to see him. He needs a dose of reality and to learn some respect for people. Don't have him back.

viques · 29/01/2022 14:04

I wonder if the gf being “controlling” means that she was on at him to get a job, give up the weed, stop the aggression and generally try to behave like an adult! All of which are the same actions anyone would take faced with a lazy, aggressive druggy sponging man child for a partner.

Good for her for realising she was supporting a loser, if she posted her side of the story I bet the verdict would be ltb.

PhoenixReincarnated · 29/01/2022 14:05

I know plenty of mothers whose family return home in their 20s,30s. that is how life is

I suspect those mothers don't have younger children whom they need to protect form an abusive drug user.

I have two adult children, one still living at home. I would both back (if the one at home had moved out but needed to come back) but neither of them is an abusive drug user.

OP your daughters, who are still children, need to be your priority. Offer your son support to find somewhere to live and to get a job. If he starts sending you abusive texts then point out that's exactly why you're not having him move back in.

TheDinnerWitch · 29/01/2022 14:06

19 is still so young... I'm very surprised that you made the decision to move a 3 bed house, on the basis that your 19 year old's move was permanent, when you yourself have admitted their relationship is rocky. You know they live with her parents, where did you think he would go when they inevitably split up? I don't know many 19 years olds whose relationship is for ever. Just seems a bit naive and irresponsible on your part.

You are his only remaining parent. I would drop your weekend plans to go and pick him up, he still needs his mum. But yes, his aggression is a problem. There would definitely need to be some ground rules about the aggression and his moving back in... him agreeing to anger management, agreeing to get a job or go back to studying etc, no smoking weed etc. But please don't just abandon him.

AgentJohnson · 29/01/2022 14:07

I wouldn’t get him right away either. He wants the independence but none of the consequences and responsibilities that come with that. When you do eventually get him, you need to set some ground rules which he either follows or has to find alternative accommodation.

He sounds quite immature for his age and it sounds like him moving in with his gf was an opportunity seized to move, without thinking of the longer term consequences, especially since the relationship wasn’t stable. Maybe use him wanting to come home as leverage for family therapy. His desperation could be to your benefit.

Whatinthelord · 29/01/2022 14:07

@MrsLargeEmbodied

the council wouldnt house him

some of you would have him in a hostel?

Yes or a bnb until he secured a room or flat to rent. I’d support in other ways, I certainly wouldn’t be allowing him back in my home with my younger children given the past aggression especially if I knew I wasn’t able to be assertive with boundaries with that person.

I can’t see how allowing him back into a situation that didn’t work previously would help him either. It’s asking for trouble.

JarvisCockersRightEyebrow · 29/01/2022 14:08

@EmpressCixi

Lots of people not understanding reactive abuse. He’s in an abusive relationship, of course he isn’t going to be perfectly behaved when around his mum and sisters. He soon to be ex had probably brainwashed him into thinking his family hate him and won’t support him. So he then acts out and isolates himself from his family...that’s how abusers isolate their partners. Now he’s realised this and wantsvto escape, OP should help him. Not collecting him will just feed his abusers narrative. ,
What a strange take on the situation. The OP has said that her son is abusive towards her. I gather it’s also him being abusive towards the GF, rather than being abused himself. Statistically not very likely too.
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