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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want to collect adult DS immediately

248 replies

44timesaround · 29/01/2022 12:54

DS 19 moved out over a year ago to live with his GF. They've had ups and downs as most young relationships have.
I'm just at the point of competition on a house for myself and 2 DD to a smaller house, 3 bedrooms based on him living with his GF.
He's fallen out with GF and now says he wants to come home and can I come get him immediately.
When DS has come home for visits before he has had out bursts of being aggressive to me, shouting and smashing stuff.
We've had a long talk and sorted stuff out and in a much better place. I've been in counselling to become more assertive due to over compensation after a bad previous relationship.
DD are upset that they may now have to share a room if he comes home. They are going through normal teenage issues and are looking forward to a new start in a new home.

As he and His GF argue then get back together in a day or two. AIBU to try to put it off for a few days to see if they make up?
He says it's definitely over.

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 29/01/2022 13:33

@SlashBeef the girls would share with each other

Whatinthelord · 29/01/2022 13:33

@Doomscrolling

He needs to arrange his own transport, he can stay for 2 weeks while he sorts alternate accommodation and then away he goes.
Problem is op suggests he is controlling and she struggles to be assertive with him. If she lets him in he will stay as long as he wants.
MummyInTheNecropolis · 29/01/2022 13:34

I’ve had all sorts of issues with my teen DD, she has been extremely difficult to live with, so I do understand your reluctance. However, I can’t imagine ever stopping my DD from coming home if she needed to. Saying no to him when he needs you could damage your relationship forever.

Winniemarysarah · 29/01/2022 13:34

@overthethamesfromyou

He clearly can't continue staying with her, if she lives with his parents. I think he'll have to come home, with ground rules for three weeks and then find a room in a flat share?
If he comes home he won’t leave again. He hasn’t got a job so can’t afford even a flat share. I very much doubt the op will throw him out onto the streets in 3 weeks. Much better that she puts her foot down now, hopefully resulting in him actually having to act like an adult and take responsibility for the first time in his life. Op normally I’d say you should have your children back as soon as they need you, but going by the fact that he’s a violent, jobless drug user and no one in the house wants to live with him again, having him back is not doing anyone any favours, including him. That’s not to say I wouldn’t help him. I’d help him contact the council or whatever services you have in your area to help him find accommodation, even if it’s just a hostel for now. If you can afford it I’d consider giving him a months rent upfront for a cheap flat/room so he’s got a few weeks to get a job and sort himself out (do not put yourself down as a guarantor though)!
Joystir59 · 29/01/2022 13:34

I wouldn't have him and his aggression back in my home. He is an adult. Let him get on with it. Say no. I speak as the mother of an adult son who I refuse to live with it even have stay in my house as he's an alcoholic with associated chaotic and unacceptable behaviours. I've also overcompensated in the past which means that he expects me to endlessly mother him and be there for him no matter what he does. Nope. Not any more.

Fluffycloudland77 · 29/01/2022 13:35

It’s unfair to the other kids. He needs to get help though.

He’s not a 6yo at a sleep over, he left home. He doesn’t live there anymore and he’s been violent to you.

Whatinthelord · 29/01/2022 13:36

@SlashBeef

No I wouldn't pick him up. You have a responsibility to your younger kids to maintain a safe environment. It's completely inappropriate to ask two girls to share a room with an adult male sibling.
I agree and a controlling and aggressive make at that.
Beautiful3 · 29/01/2022 13:37

He is 19 years old. No I wouldn't go and get him. I wouldn't let him back home either.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 29/01/2022 13:37

i know plenty of mothers whose family return home in their 20s,30s. that is how life is

WheelieBinPrincess · 29/01/2022 13:38

@MrsLargeEmbodied

It’s not his age that’s the problem, it’s the drug taking, lack of job and aggressive nature.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 29/01/2022 13:38

and the fact that the op's partner doesnt like him lets face it

endlesssighing · 29/01/2022 13:39

@MrsLargeEmbodied

i am sorry about your weekend plans Hmm but you are still his parent, the only parent
That doesn’t mean she has to enable herself to be abused by him.

Yes 19 is very young to not have a family home to fall back on but when you’ve been a shit to your mum and sisters unfortunately that’s the way the cloth gets cut.

I say this as someone who lost their own father as a child. His dad being dead doesn’t give him an excuse or right to be abhorrent to his mother.

Porcupineintherough · 29/01/2022 13:39

He's 19 and you suspect that he might be in a controlling relationship. Yes, you should go and get him! And then either let him to either stay with you or help him find his own place (the latter if he cant treat you with respect).

EmpressCixi · 29/01/2022 13:40

I would go get him with caveat he can only stay the three weeks until you move into new home.

Stomacharmeleon · 29/01/2022 13:40

@MrsLargeEmbodied have you ever lived with an abusive partner as that's exactly what it's like? To be controlled and intimidated by someone you gave birth to?

Stop trying to guilt her anymore than she feels already. I imagine the enormity of the situation is tormenting her anyway.

We are here to support remember not pick over and condemn someone else for the life they have.

CanofCant · 29/01/2022 13:41

@MummyInTheNecropolis

I’ve had all sorts of issues with my teen DD, she has been extremely difficult to live with, so I do understand your reluctance. However, I can’t imagine ever stopping my DD from coming home if she needed to. Saying no to him when he needs you could damage your relationship forever.
Has your DD been physically aggressive and violent though? I'm aware I'm biased because living with my brother was absolute hell, my sister and I were punched numerous times and he broke my nose. He is the reason I was wary about having a son after having daughters as ridiculous as that sounds.

Anyway I agree with PP, once he is back it will be very difficult to get him to leave. He only left before because he wanted to.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 29/01/2022 13:41

@Stomacharmeleon - the op can make her own decision?

Whatinthelord · 29/01/2022 13:42

@Porcupineintherough

He's 19 and you suspect that he might be in a controlling relationship. Yes, you should go and get him! And then either let him to either stay with you or help him find his own place (the latter if he cant treat you with respect).
I interpreted her comment to mean he is the controlling person in the relationship. Given it sounds like he also controls his mother I don’t see how coming home would be helpful.

Maybe I’m wrong though and op did mean he was being controlled by GF.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 29/01/2022 13:42

@MrsLargeEmbodied

i am not sure why you are moving and not leaving a room for him personally
Because he's an adult who lives with his partner?

Or should parents always buy houses with room for all their adult children just in case they need it?

MrsLargeEmbodied · 29/01/2022 13:42

we dont know what happened in the op's house

CrabPuff · 29/01/2022 13:42

Send some links to house shares. He’s an adult now - if he breaks up with a girlfriend and needs somewhere to live he needs to find somewhere else. You can have him for Sunday lunch. He can go to an estate agent like anyone else.

SlashBeef · 29/01/2022 13:43

[quote MrsLargeEmbodied]@SlashBeef the girls would share with each other[/quote]
Ah okay, thanks I read wrong.

EmpressCixi · 29/01/2022 13:43

Lots of people not understanding reactive abuse. He’s in an abusive relationship, of course he isn’t going to be perfectly behaved when around his mum and sisters. He soon to be ex had probably brainwashed him into thinking his family hate him and won’t support him. So he then acts out and isolates himself from his family...that’s how abusers isolate their partners. Now he’s realised this and wantsvto escape, OP should help him. Not collecting him will just feed his abusers narrative. ,

Toofuckingearly · 29/01/2022 13:43

@MrsLargeEmbodied

i am sorry about your weekend plans Hmm but you are still his parent, the only parent
This. My son is 19 and he is always welcome here, and will be whatever age that he is. Just like I was to my parents.
Theredjellybean · 29/01/2022 13:43

Just the fact he is 19 and isn't working makes me have rage.
What is wrong with these young people? Why has he not hit a job?
What does he expect that the social benifits system will just support him?
I would and have had my adult children back home but never to. Just lounge around smoking dope.
I'd tell him to pack a small bag and get public transport home, and it is for three weeks until the move. In that time he gets a job, and a flat share

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