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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want to collect adult DS immediately

248 replies

44timesaround · 29/01/2022 12:54

DS 19 moved out over a year ago to live with his GF. They've had ups and downs as most young relationships have.
I'm just at the point of competition on a house for myself and 2 DD to a smaller house, 3 bedrooms based on him living with his GF.
He's fallen out with GF and now says he wants to come home and can I come get him immediately.
When DS has come home for visits before he has had out bursts of being aggressive to me, shouting and smashing stuff.
We've had a long talk and sorted stuff out and in a much better place. I've been in counselling to become more assertive due to over compensation after a bad previous relationship.
DD are upset that they may now have to share a room if he comes home. They are going through normal teenage issues and are looking forward to a new start in a new home.

As he and His GF argue then get back together in a day or two. AIBU to try to put it off for a few days to see if they make up?
He says it's definitely over.

OP posts:
Altmember · 29/01/2022 14:38

Don't let him back in your house. He could scupper your house move. As he's over 18 he could refuse to vacate on your completion date and there's legally nothing you can do to stop him.

He sounds like a bum - no job and a drug problem. However, I would also say that living with his girlfriend at her parents house does not sound like he'd ever officially moved out of your house. That's very different to them getting a place in their own name. You downsizing on the assumption he wasn't coming back seems a bit rash.

RantyAunty · 29/01/2022 14:39

No way should you allow a violent angry man into your home.

You're moving to a new place and that is all you need is him smashing up the new place.

notordinary · 29/01/2022 14:43

Why can’t he make his own way? Whats his options regarding places to stay?

SmallestInTheClass · 29/01/2022 14:45

Let him back for now but make it clear he'll only have the sofa at the new house. There's no way your DDs should have to share just because of him. Can you afford to pay for him to live somewhere else? No wonder he's smoking weed and being aggressive if he's stuck round his GFs parents' house all day. He must be bored to tears and wouldn't be surprised if he's depressed. He needs to get out and be doing something, if not a job then training or something or he's going to be homeless or on benefits if he can't find a GF to house him for the rest of his life.

Feedingthebirds1 · 29/01/2022 14:47

You have to think about the impact it would have on your DDs if he came back - and I don't mean that they would have to share a room after the move. You and they would be walking on eggshells the whole time, wondering if/when the next violent outburst was going to come.

And people saying if you let him back there have to be clear boundaries - you can set them all you want, but if he doesn't keep to them how would you get rid of him?

|I would tell him he's not coming back until he can prove by his behaviour, ie getting a job, quitting the weed, getting help for his outbursts, that he's changed. Not just a quick 'yes' in agreement to your conditions and then doing whatever he wants when he gets there.

BoredZelda · 29/01/2022 14:49

As he and His GF argue then get back together in a day or two. AIBU to try to put it off for a few days to see if they make up?

You’re hoping your son who has a history of abusing you “makes up” with his girlfriend?

How you chose to deal with your relationship with him, if up to you but hoping he goes back to do the same to his girlfriend seems off.

Dishwashersaurous · 29/01/2022 14:49

He's an adult .

He can get himself to yours.

Then you can discuss the long term future.

There is no need to pick anyone up

PinkSyCo · 29/01/2022 14:53

Can you afford to pay for him to live somewhere else?

Only on Mumsnet. Hmm

ChoiceMummy · 29/01/2022 14:53

@44timesaround

I inclined to say I'll come and get him after work on Monday as that might give them time to make up. But we keep coming to this point.

Every time they have a row he becomes verbally aggressive via text to me how I don't support him.

Also my DP won't come to the house when he's here after witnessing the last abusive out burst by DS.

Your partner's opinion is irrelevant, imo. I'm surprised that given you know he's had a turbulent time and isn't living independently if he's living in the gfs parents home, so not in a stable place, that you'd have opted to move, blatantly without including him in the planning.

They may get back together. They may not. It may just kick the problem further down the road.

I can't imagine ever refusing or wanting to, if they want to come home.

Given his age when his dad died, he must have been so affected by it. He needs support, not a bf being put before him or to feel he has noone or nowhere to turn.

MsMoody · 29/01/2022 14:53

I’d want him away from my children AND his girlfriend, who presumably is at the receiving end of his aggressive behaviour too.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 29/01/2022 14:56

I do believe the kindest and supportive thing you can do for him is allow him back home. This will enable the very things that are standing in the way of him making a good life for himself - not working and using drugs. Tough love in some capacity is needed here. I don’t even think having him back for a limited amount of time at the current house will achieve this either. Once he’s ‘home’ he’s home whether there is room for him at the new house or not. He’s going to come with you isn’t he? Even if there were room at the new house or not would you want this? Is there any chance you can help set him up in a shared house? Support that for a limited amount of time till he gets on his feet?

Cherrysoup · 29/01/2022 14:57

I’m sorry, OP, but I think you need to protect your dd and say no, he can’t ever live with you again. It’s simply not fair.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 29/01/2022 14:57

bloody hell. NOT allow him. Sorry!!

CharSiu · 29/01/2022 14:59

You have 1 child who is currently messed up if he moves back in then you risk having 3 children who are messed up. It’s a terrible situation truly awful but you are risking both your daughters MH. If he remains aggressive and takes drugs then it will model to them that male aggression is the norm and they will be prey for aggressive men. I used to fund raise for a DV charity and it’s a sad statistic that women who have grown up around violence often though not always will tolerate it more.

WonderfulYou · 29/01/2022 15:02

Of course I would collect my 19 year old immediately.
I’m shocked you’re even questioning it.

I will always tell my DD that if she’s ever in a controlling or abusive relationship I would collect her immediately even if it’s the middle of the night.

tortiecat · 29/01/2022 15:03

I couldnt read and run, OP Thanks this sounds really hard, but I dont think you should allow him back home after his previous behaviour. PP have mentioned helping him get a house share or similar, do you think that is feasible?

WonderfulYou · 29/01/2022 15:06

I would have to go and collect him and his stuff.
Meaning all of our plans this weekend would be blown out the window.

Every time they have a row he becomes verbally aggressive via text to me how I don't support him.

You’re on MN asking strangers whether you need to go and collect your son who has nowhere else to go, you are concerned that your weekend plans will be ruined and you’re putting your partners opinion above your own DS’s.

Sounds like he has a point about how to don’t support him.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 29/01/2022 15:08

@WonderfulYou

Of course I would collect my 19 year old immediately. I’m shocked you’re even questioning it.

I will always tell my DD that if she’s ever in a controlling or abusive relationship I would collect her immediately even if it’s the middle of the night.

So would I. But that's because my DD has never been an aggressive, abusive, cocklodging drug taker. Has yours?
Autumndays123 · 29/01/2022 15:09

@girlmom21

Does he have grandparents who he can stay with?

I'm just trying to think of an alternative where he'll be respectful because of the relationship so you know he's safe but he won't give you grief.

You suggest sending a violent young man with anger issues and a tendency to smash up his house to live with elderly people?
SartresSoul · 29/01/2022 15:09

He’s an adult so he doesn’t get to make demands like this. He asked if he could come home but he can’t because it doesn’t work for you. I’d give him the sofa temporarily at best but he’ll have to find somewhere else to live ASAP.

shinynewapple22 · 29/01/2022 15:09

I don't think we have enough understanding of the history here to advise you .

You say your DS' father died when he was 10, was he your partner at the time/contact? Any bereavement counselling?
Issues between your DS and your DP - how long have you been together ?
How long have there been issues with your son? How was he in school ? His behaviour/ attendance ? Has he trained for anything job wise ?
Is the aggression beyond normal teenage stroppiness?
What support has been sought in respect of the aggression? Did he engage?
Was his moving to live with his girlfriend more that he wanted to be with her, or that he was moving away from home?

What was behind your decision to downgrade to a smaller property? In normal circumstances people wouldn't move house to a situation where there was no space for a 19 year old currently in a non-stable living situation.

I'm not asking for responses to these questions but there is so much unknown about your family for people to be able to respond to this question. It's not possible to encompass all of the relevant history in a two paragraph OP, and the impact of your decision is likely to cause serious harm one way or another .

I absolutely understand the safeguarding issues about your DDs (assuming they are younger ) but I don't think a 19 year old who hasn't had the easiest time over the last few years can be dismissed as an abusive male adult .

gogohm · 29/01/2022 15:11

I think you let him come home for 2 weeks to allow him to find alternative accommodation then, sleeping on the sofa when you move though to get honest I wouldn't have expected ours to be independent so young, they are still her at 22/21/20

bumblingbovine49 · 29/01/2022 15:14

@chesirecat99

I inclined to say I'll come and get him after work on Monday as that might give them time to make up.

Your DS is begging you to pick him up because he wants to leave a relationship you describe as abusive. You say his girlfriend is controlling and has cut him off from his friends.

Why on earth are you hoping that he will reconcile with his abusive GF?

I can understand that you don't want him in your home because of his past behaviour but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be helping him to leave an abusive relationship, even if that means picking him up and taking him to a hostel, or helping him arrange transport and accommodation if you think he might be aggressive towards you.

Absolutely this

Let him come home now but tell him he has to find somewhere else in the next 3 weeks before you move. Even if he hasn't moved in to the new place by the time you move house, he needs to have something set up so that you know when he will be going. That way even if he stays with you in the smaller new house for a while, it will have an end date. Then do as much as you can to help him find somewhere else to go in the next 3 weeks even if it is a hostel

Lovemusic33 · 29/01/2022 15:17

It’s tough one OP.

It’s all good and well people saying “of course you should collect him, he’s your son” but they haven’t had to experience the abuse and the ‘smoking weed in the house’, you have other dc to consider. I can say that if it was my dc I would collect them but that’s because mine are not abusive. My eldest is 18 and I will always allow her back home but if she was abusive then no I wouldn’t. He needs to learn that he can’t treat people badly and expect them to bail him out when things don’t go his way, chances are he’s been abusive towards his gf and/or her parents.

No one wants to see there child homeless but at what point do you say ‘no, I’m not helping?’, if you help him he’s likely to abuse you again, not find a job and upset your other dc.

Marynotsocontrary · 29/01/2022 15:17

@shinynewapple22

I don't think we have enough understanding of the history here to advise you .

You say your DS' father died when he was 10, was he your partner at the time/contact? Any bereavement counselling?
Issues between your DS and your DP - how long have you been together ?
How long have there been issues with your son? How was he in school ? His behaviour/ attendance ? Has he trained for anything job wise ?
Is the aggression beyond normal teenage stroppiness?
What support has been sought in respect of the aggression? Did he engage?
Was his moving to live with his girlfriend more that he wanted to be with her, or that he was moving away from home?

What was behind your decision to downgrade to a smaller property? In normal circumstances people wouldn't move house to a situation where there was no space for a 19 year old currently in a non-stable living situation.

I'm not asking for responses to these questions but there is so much unknown about your family for people to be able to respond to this question. It's not possible to encompass all of the relevant history in a two paragraph OP, and the impact of your decision is likely to cause serious harm one way or another .

I absolutely understand the safeguarding issues about your DDs (assuming they are younger ) but I don't think a 19 year old who hasn't had the easiest time over the last few years can be dismissed as an abusive male adult .

This in spades!