Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want to collect adult DS immediately

248 replies

44timesaround · 29/01/2022 12:54

DS 19 moved out over a year ago to live with his GF. They've had ups and downs as most young relationships have.
I'm just at the point of competition on a house for myself and 2 DD to a smaller house, 3 bedrooms based on him living with his GF.
He's fallen out with GF and now says he wants to come home and can I come get him immediately.
When DS has come home for visits before he has had out bursts of being aggressive to me, shouting and smashing stuff.
We've had a long talk and sorted stuff out and in a much better place. I've been in counselling to become more assertive due to over compensation after a bad previous relationship.
DD are upset that they may now have to share a room if he comes home. They are going through normal teenage issues and are looking forward to a new start in a new home.

As he and His GF argue then get back together in a day or two. AIBU to try to put it off for a few days to see if they make up?
He says it's definitely over.

OP posts:
BuanoKubiamVej · 31/01/2022 08:16

@HollowTalk

Coming home to mummy doesn't show maturity!
Not the coming home to mummy itself, but I meant it's a step up from what he was initially asking for which is for mummy to drop everything and come and rescue him. Obviously this could be improved upon but I am talking small steps here.
CanofCant · 31/01/2022 08:27

Well he's just shown what the next three weeks will be like. Good luck to your daughters.

Original poster
44timesaround · 31/01/2022 08:30

He left over a year ago and has been back and forth between here and there.

He stormed out after I returned home after a night away with the girls to find he had about 6 'friends' I use the term loosely of friends staying in the house, plus friends and girlfriends. When I said this was unacceptable he stormed out saying I was unreasonable.

We have always planned Christmas's random visits etc with the girls sharing for a few nights and put you ups.

In the past I have run to get him only for him to go back a day later and the cycle start again.

He had been home just last week for a few days. We sat down as a family and discussed the practicalities of the house move.

Well he's here now. I need to make a plan. I put fair and reasonable rules in place, he agreed and then within 2 hours ignored them.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/01/2022 08:34

I would take him to the council and present him as homeless as you are kicking him out.

Nothing is going to change whilst he has his home comforts is it?

It's a desperately difficult situation where is he getting money from for weed or does he owe people?

Original poster
44timesaround · 31/01/2022 08:35

He has been to counselling. I got him on to 3 different college courses which he dropped out off one after the other.
I got him a 2 jobs and decided not to go in sometimes so I'd drive him and collect him.

OP posts:
Ikeptgoing · 31/01/2022 08:40

When you move he doesn't get a bedroom. Let him
Pack up his stuff but leave it in boxes and give him air mattress he sleeps on floor in dining area (not sofa nor by the TV) . All TVs and WiFi go off overnight between 11pm to 5am.

Don't let him carve out space in your new house, to get comfortable nor have privacy or he will become complacent and hole up there not working eating your food and spending his money on weed .
Any signs of laziness or shouting at you, you pack his bags the next day and leave them outside. Don't give him a door key. He leaves the house when you do. He can go sit in a library for the day, job hunting.

What you would be doing then is giving him a roof over this head for a few weeks whilst he finds somewhere else to live (a house share) . He can sign on benefits to help pay for when he moves or he can work full time.

I say this because otherwise you'll go backwards. Giving him that nudge to be responsible for himself and learn cost of living is the best shock you can give him right now. Your relationship will be better if he doesn't live with you.

LakieLady · 31/01/2022 08:41

@MrsLargeEmbodied

i am not sure why you are moving and not leaving a room for him personally
Because he's an adult with a history of abusive behaviour and drug use, perhaps? Seems entirely reasonable to me.
velvet24 · 31/01/2022 08:45

Thats what i thoughtm moving and not leaving a room, he may be an 'adult' but he's only 19 ffs

EmmaGracemum · 31/01/2022 08:45

Well it sounds to me like your poor son has lost his dad, has experienced an unhappy home (you sod you were overcompensating for a bad relationship?), has got himself into an unhealthy relationship, has lost his friends, and his family don’t want him back.

I mean, I don’t blame you for not wanting a weed smoker around your daughters. But I do think YABU for hoping he will stay in the unhealthy relationship at his girlfriend’s parents house, just so he’s out of your way.

I think you should help him to find somewhere to live independently, like a houseshare with others of similar age. Have a look on spareroom.com.

CanofCant · 31/01/2022 08:46

Sounds just like the situation with my brother. He kept storming off, squatting and living all over the UK, coming back when he felt like it causing hell. His aggression escalated to physical violence. He used to punch me and my sister and kicked me in the face while I was sat on the floor, leaving me with a broken nose. My mum would keep letting him back and I don't forgive her for that.

I know it was very hard for her and she tried her best (for him), sending him care packages, paying for any fines he was given, bailing him out whenever he was arrested and this has only really ended in the last few years. Everytime he came home she would make a fuss over him. Now we are all adults it's been brushed under the carpet and I do think it was a big failing on both my parents part of how they handled it. He took up so much of their time and energy, his needs trumped everyone else's.

GabriellaMontez · 31/01/2022 08:49

He's already broken the agreement?

Obviously your leaving that house now and have no choice. I wonder what it is he thinks you should do.

You say he's been aggressive. Via text or physically? How does he pay for things?

CanofCant · 31/01/2022 08:50

I think the people commenting in his favour to come home and those who are criticising you have absolutely no idea of what it is like to live this and I think it's quite irresponsible as they are at the risk of making you feel more guilty and torn between your children than you already are. Anyway I hope everything turns out well for you all OP.

PixiKitKat · 31/01/2022 08:52

@velvet24 if you want to send OP some cash so she can afford a bigger house with another bedroom then I'm sure it would be appreciated, as it stands she is getting a house she can afford which doesn't mean a bedroom for a drug addicted, abusive adult who broke the new rules within 2 hours.

CaMePlaitPas · 31/01/2022 08:52

Oh that's a shame OP, but he won't be the first drug user to have lied to his family.

Back to the kitchen table, "So what are you going to do since you came back stoned the other day? What's YOUR plan?" Keep asking him questions.

CaMePlaitPas · 31/01/2022 08:54

Do you have any money to get him a bedsit for a week? If he wants to smoke his life away he's free to but not on your watch.

SpecialchildSupermum · 31/01/2022 08:54

I don’t think you can enable him anymore by making everything alright for him. But, you can show support and love in other ways that will encourage him to problem solve which is a life skill. Help him with this. Just spend time looking at rooms for let etc, ring them and see what’s available and affordable. Then give him a list of places. Tell him you love him but for now you cannot and will not live with him. You have responsibilities not just to him but the rest of
The family. He won’t like it. He may say some nasty things as a reaction. Ignore it. And stick to a plan. He will respect you for it.
Parenting adult children is hard. The heart says one thing and the head says another. Flowers

velvet24 · 31/01/2022 08:54

[quote PixiKitKat]@velvet24 if you want to send OP some cash so she can afford a bigger house with another bedroom then I'm sure it would be appreciated, as it stands she is getting a house she can afford which doesn't mean a bedroom for a drug addicted, abusive adult who broke the new rules within 2 hours.[/quote]
I think thats a bit harsh, he is so young that's my issue, I wouldn't have moved and not allowed for the fact he could come home, he's a teenager still and moved in with gf at 18, it probably wouldn't last ! I am not saying go easy on him but let him come home on the understanding he gets treatment and works with his issues.?

JSL52 · 31/01/2022 08:55

@MrsLargeEmbodied

i am not sure why you are moving and not leaving a room for him personally
He's abusive , aggressive and smokes weed in the house.
Thevoiceofreason2021 · 31/01/2022 08:58

He will never get a job and become a responsible adult if you let him move back in with you.!I know 19 is young but plenty of young adults move out or go to university at 18, so he really should be getting his act together. Have you spoken to his GF parents ? Maybe they gave him an ultimatum- get a job, pull your weight or get out. That might make you look at the situation differently. It sounds like having him around negativity impacts yourself and and DD, in which case you really shouldn’t be pandering to him.

velvet24 · 31/01/2022 08:59

Ok ive read a few more of OPs posts and can see he has already had treatment and counselling etc, if you don't want to give any more chances then Id help him find a room to rent and go from there.

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/01/2022 09:05

@velvet24

Thats what i thoughtm moving and not leaving a room, he may be an 'adult' but he's only 19 ffs
As previous posters have said, he is aggressive, uses drugs etc.

It’s the typical mumset trope though…you have to welcome your adult son/daughter to live with you rent/free at whatever inconvenience that may pose to you, fully support them emotionally and financially until they are at least 47 years old, maybe longer….because ‘you are a parent’ and they didn’t ask to be here

billy1966 · 31/01/2022 09:08

OP,
I can't imagine how stressful this is but after a reasonable conversation he turns up stoned.

I think that he cannot join you in this new home.

You cannot allow one family member rule the home.

Your daughters deserve a peaceful home.

He made the choice to get stoned, he now needs to face the consequences.

I cannot imagine how difficult it would be but ring the council for information as to what is available, pass the information to him, but tell him NO he is not going to bring his drug taking to your new home.

He thinks the rules don't apply to him?

That he can behave any way he wishes?

Not in your home.

LakieLady · 31/01/2022 09:10

@PerseverancePays

Help him into independent living. I'm not sure what the first step is, with us it was the local YMCA. They then helped him into training and a small council flat. It's very hard as a single mum to refuse your adult child shelter, but you have to look after everyone's needs, not just his. I am grateful every single day that he is in independent living and I don't have to deal with the hovel or see it. He's never launched as it were and never will. Also an alcoholic and aggressive to his younger sisters. He took up two thirds of my energy and attention and it was never enough. Your loved and nurtured kids don't always turn out like you hope they would.
I was going to suggest something similar, @PerseverancePays. There are YMCAs all over the place. And I wouldn't rule out getting some help from the council.

In my area (and the neighbouring 2) the council can nominate homeless young people for places in supported accommodation, where they have their own (en-suite) room and use of communal kitchens and social spaces. They have support staff who help them claim their benefits, learn how to budget, find jobs and develop independent living skills. They've had great success with young clients of mine in my previous job.

Although councils don't have a duty to help single, childless people, the ones near me will if they're young (U21). And they will have a duty to help the OP's son if he's vulnerable in any way, eg an ASD or similar, or an MH diagnosis.

Payitforward55 · 31/01/2022 09:16

Oh gosh OP I really feel for you, this is very difficult. I would be of the opinion that the girls get their rooms and he gets a temporary arrangement with the understanding that he needs to step up. Sounds like you have done so much for him and given him loads of support and he squanders the opportunity and doesn't appreciate your help. At a very basic level I would not allow drugs or smoking in my house - do debate. Is there any professional support you could get for him?

LakieLady · 31/01/2022 09:20

@velvet24

At 19 he's very young still so a bit naive of you to think he has moved out and that's that, I would have made sure I had a spare room in the new home anyway, he's 19 not 29, these things will happen?
How lovely for you, to be able to afford a home that has a spare bedroom.

Sadly, many people, especially single parents who rent, are not in a position to do that. The difference inm rent between a 4-bed and a 3-bed property here is over £500 a month, plus more in council tax and energy costs. That's a lot to fork out on the offchance that one of your adult children will want to return to the family home.