To think not having a funeral is OK?

[jevoudrais]

Looking at prepaying funeral or cremation plans for DH and I. I've realised you can do a direct cremation without a funeral service.

Does anyone think this robs anyone of the chance to say goodbye? My brother died last year and the wait for the funeral was horrendous. The funeral was horrendous. I can't say I've found the six funerals I've been to in my life remotely helpful in any way for grieving and such like. I feel they have dragged the grieving out further, if anything.

If we go for direct cremations, are we going to cause our DC issues by taking that experience of planning and attending a funeral away from them?

YANBU - direct cremation sounds easy and simple
YABU - it's not up to you, it's the decision of those left behind (but I fear they would do a funeral because they feel they 'should'?)

The hymns are the best part. I don't think 'modern music' is necessarily better at helping people through their grief.*

Yes but that's you doing you. The OP said she's not religious and doesn't enjoy those kind of funerals, hence my post.

My friend did this. She died of cancer. She was cremated but did not want friends or family there.She explained it to everyone and they respected her wishes. Its perfectly fine if that's what the person's wishes are. Their wishes should be respected. Friends and family can remember the person in whatever ways they choose to.

All those of you stating that the living can make a decision - does that mean they can go against clear wishes/religious faith.

Yep. I mean I'm sure it would be difficult to give an Orthodox Jew a Christian burial (hopefully the vicar would refuse) but no one can make your relatives either give you a religious burial or insist they do. It may be morally wrong but it's not illegal.

I'm sure you would find it insulting if the dead person had arranged for a fancy funeral and their relatives went 'sod that' we'll keep the money and have them directly cremated instead.

Yes and no. If its prepaid its one thing but when you die your accounts are frozen (unless they are joint accounts). So there may not be cash immediately available to pay for a fancy funeral, even if the sum might eventually be reclaimed from your estate. Alternatively if it is a joint account then the surviving member is not legally obliged to shell out for an expensive funeral, even if you wished it.

The dead have very limited control over what happens after their death, except via their wills which are not dealt with quickly enough to deal with funerals.

So there may not be cash immediately available to pay for a fancy funeral, even if the sum might eventually be reclaimed from your estate.

Most, if not all, banks release the payment for the funeral on presentation of the funeral directors’ invoice.

@AlDanvers re:

And yet, you still think its fine to use such a negative word when other people are telling you it important to them.

Fair dos. Can't umagine your friends like it when you tell them their wedding and christening is archaic. But each to their own.

_

That is their choice, and I have no problem with it. This is about me, and when I die. My friends all agree church weddings are old fashioned but some of them like that which is why they have them. The world would be boring if we all liked the same thing.

I am coming at this with my own personal experience, realising how terrible I find funerals to experience. The responses on this thread show that I am not alone in that. I don't want my DC to feel they must organise a funeral. If it will help them so be it, but equally I don't want two children disagreeing over how they think it should be, so I feel it best I take some form of control and either plan something I don't want or go for a direct cremation. I want to make sure I don't rob them of something that might be important to them which is why I started this thread, to open up my perspective some more.

@Blossomtoes a "fancy" funeral, which is what we are talking about here, is likely to cost upwards of 10k, given that a basic one is often not that much less than 5k. Not everyone has 10k in their current or bank savings account and if the money is sat in stocks, shares, long term isas or house value, its not going to be available 3 weeks after death. Maybe some funeral homes will extend credit but I've never dealt with one that said "after probate will be fine".

@godmum56

I think two things.....people are posting on here about how they would feel....which is not how your family would feel. Have you got family other than your small children? Because TBH if they are too young to discuss it, then whatever happens, if it happens while they are young, it will be "normal" for them. Similarly when they are old enough to discuss it, then your decision will be "normal" for them. As others have said, some companies offer various kinds of package....I think the only ones who only offer a true no options direct cremation are the ones who only offer that service and what may suit you better is an existing company who have added in direct cremation to their existing options. Last time I checked, some of the prepay services also offered options for the bereaved to add in other options at the point of burial if they wished to do so.....its not one or the other, there are middle way options to think about. In every case in my family, good byes were said before the funeral and, to me at least, the funeral was only a source of stress and distress.

This is such a helpful post. Thank you.

In a way I think I would like no funeral to be the norm for my DC. My all means a memorial or something if they choose. But I really haven't found funerals healing or helpful in processing.

I do hate the thought of them having to organise a funeral from scratch so a company who offer packages could be a good idea too, without limiting their options. Having lost my brother at a young age I think I fear my own mortality, and hate the thought of my DC having to plan a funeral at a young age etc.

I had the conversation about releasing payment to funeral director recently.Apparently I need to take the funeral invoice to any branch of Lloyd’s and they will settle it directly in 2 hours.

@pantjog

I think funerals can potentially be very cathartic and an important part of the grieving process.

This is what I have always thought. But it's only today I have counted how many I have been to, and as yet it hasn't been that way for me. I don't know if that will change or if I'm just one of those people that doesn't get anything from them.

The last family funeral we had was for MiL several years ago. It cost well over 10k and was a truly traumatic and awful day for the family. We all agreed that from then on it would be direct cremation for this family. When FIL died in lockdown we had a direct cremation for him and brought his ashes home to be scattered. We had a lovely dinner a few months later in his honour. It's the way to go for us all now. Removed the trauma from the funeral process for us.

@EmmaH2022

I know how you feel

I think it's fine to do this

But when my dad died, mum felt too many people would be upset if we didn't have a funeral. It was horrendous. I have been to funerals before and I felt differently when I was young and the deceased were young - though I'd respect their wishes regardless.

I don't feel able to ask mum what she wants but I really don't want to go through a parent funeral again. It's not comforting, it's not helpful.

She has some really awful friends too. The sort I wouldn't want to have my phone number.

If she doesn't leave instructions and siblings are okay with it, then it will be a direct cremation.

I'm so sorry to hear this. How your mother felt, about having to have a funeral, is how I fear my DC would feel. I want it to truly be up to them, and for them not to feel pressured to do as society or certain people expect.

@AngryApple

I’m with you OP. YANBU.

I’ve buried 3 members of my immediate family now. I’m only 41. I find funerals harrowing and unnecessary. People who attend are usually only their for their own reasons and don’t actually care about what you’re going through. You’re expected to make conversation with people when you’re at your lowest.

I won’t be having one!

I'm so sorry to hear this. That's awful that you have lost so many people already. I was 28 when my brother died.

@Volterra

I had the conversation about releasing payment to funeral director recently.Apparently I need to take the funeral invoice to any branch of Lloyd’s and they will settle it directly in 2 hours.

Yes, if there is money in the account. Did they offer an overdraft facility?

I haven’t rtft, but wanted to share our experience. My Dad died quite suddenly (pancreatic cancer) in September last year.
We’re not a religious family and none of us could face the conveyer-belt type funerals you get at crems. My Dad was also very clear that he didn’t want anyone to mourn his death, but to celebrate his life.
So he had an unattended cremation, and we had a celebration of life gathering at the local golf club where he’d spent many happy hours. It was a joyful, uplifting occasion and exactly what he would’ve wanted.
In the end, his cremation was delayed a couple of days, and then my mum got a message to say his ashes were ready for collection.
I think questioning why we always do things the same way is good; it’s how we move forward.

@TonTonMacoute

Why are you asking a bunch of strangers on the internet? Ask your children!

I don't think toddlers will have much to say on the matter 😅

My Mum has signed up for this

She has made it clear it's to avoid anyone having to cope with any arrangements so close to losing her, but she wants us to celebrate her life however we want whenever we are ready - might be different depending on the time of year she goes but probably a carvery in a warm pub or a brass band and picnic in a park

I was shocked at first, but ok with it now

If you do do it, tell everyone in advance and explain your decision so no shock or confusion

@WhatNoRaisins

Personally I'd find it preferable to a long wait for a funeral. I hated the waiting when it came to my family members, it just meant more time to dread it.

This is partly why I dislike them. It seems to take so long to organise, and I feel that drags out the grieving process further.

Stop nitpicking @Porcupineintherough. Both of us who have responded to you have done so on the assumption that the funds are in the account of the deceased. Barclays will release the entire account without probate if there’s less than £30k in it.

This is partly why I dislike them. It seems to take so long to organise, and I feel that drags out the grieving process further.

The grieving process lasts years.

I will not be having a funeral. My beloved daughter knows and is quite happy with it. Sister knows and, while not exactly happy, accepts my decision.

At Mums funeral, it was packed to the rafters, she was very active in her community, so wellknown.

A couple of days later, my sister, niece, daughter and I attended with the funeral director to put mum's ashes into the grave with her Mum and brothers bodies.

Afterwards, daughter said that it felt more personal for her, her time to say a final goodbye, rather than the very public funeral service.

I'm.not having a funeral. Just a direct cremation. Wherever I drop I will be collected and cremated wherever there's a first space.

To be honest. There is no one who would turn up anyway so don't see the point. Won't be there anyways.

X

@Blossomtoes

This is partly why I dislike them. It seems to take so long to organise, and I feel that drags out the grieving process further.

The grieving process lasts years.

My DB died nearly 30 years ago and I'll never get over it. Why would I? It was a tragedy

YANBU. I chose a Direct Cremation for my DM two years ago (I first heard about them on MN). My DF liked the sound of it so much he is having one also when his time comes. I am an only child and for years dreaded the thought of my parents' funerals so found this much easier.

I have never wanted a funeral for myself, so this is perfect for me, however I don't have children. I think it's fine to choose this option for yourself but it does need to be discussed with family beforehand.

[quote jevoudrais]@northumberlandavenue completely agree. My friend's Irish grandmother died recently and the funeral was very soon after her death. I think that is much healthier than waiting often 4-6 weeks. We ended up waiting four months for my brother's funeral.[/quote]
Wow. It's 3 days max after the person passes in Ireland. The only exceptions I've seen are where people need to come home from UK/US/Aus but even then it's within a week.

You're also very lucky to have only been to 6 funerals, I know it's different in the UK with invites but we could go to 6 in a year in Ireland. Unless something horrible happened to the person who passes, I think funerals are a good idea. It's nice to share and hear stories of the person who passed, it's a lovely way to celebrate their life.

You can still have some sort of get together to remember the deceased person, if you want to. Either at home or a pub.

I believe in direct cremations, quick and efficient, no fuss.