To think not having a funeral is OK?

[jevoudrais]

Looking at prepaying funeral or cremation plans for DH and I. I've realised you can do a direct cremation without a funeral service.

Does anyone think this robs anyone of the chance to say goodbye? My brother died last year and the wait for the funeral was horrendous. The funeral was horrendous. I can't say I've found the six funerals I've been to in my life remotely helpful in any way for grieving and such like. I feel they have dragged the grieving out further, if anything.

If we go for direct cremations, are we going to cause our DC issues by taking that experience of planning and attending a funeral away from them?

YANBU - direct cremation sounds easy and simple
YABU - it's not up to you, it's the decision of those left behind (but I fear they would do a funeral because they feel they 'should'?)

'I know people who lost loved ones during Covid and they felt robbed of the funeral - a chance to say goodbye and for friends and family to reunite'

Yes but the alternative of a direct cremation doesn't mean people don't get to say goodbye or reunite. We just don't need to be paying extortionate amounts to funeral directors just we can say we've seen a coffin. There isn't any need imo.

Get together and share memories, have photos running on a loop. Celebrate their life without the awful procession of expensive cars and coffins being balanced on shoulders into an environment and situation which is often unbearable for those closest to the deceased.

Totally agree with @Torunette and also @WeighaFreya

and this:
Funerals are for the living, not the dead.
I know people who lost loved ones during Covid and they felt robbed of the funeral - a chance to say goodbye and for friends and family to reunite. Every culture is different, as is every family. Just do what suits your family - as you won’t be around to partake.

I think most people gain something from gathering with others who also loved the person to be able to remember them. I also think there seem to be some people on the thread who have perhaps only been to a couple of funerals and are assuming they are all the same. A "gathering after someone has died" can take many forms.

Following on from this original post, I've been looking into pre-paid direct cremations. It's something I've had on my to-do list for ages so this has spurred me on.

Can I ask anyone who has done this/had experience of this which company they used pleased? Any points to look out for? Thanks.

[quote jevoudrais]@ShavingTheBadger thanks for sharing your experience. I'm sorry to hear you lost your brother too.

I would be happy for there to be some kind of gathering. I think it's the archaic structure of a funeral and the procession etc that goes with it that I dislike and find upsetting. Something like
other posters have suggested around gatherings to scatter ashes and all coming together is a better option for me. Informal, outdoors, and a lot of the admin junk that needs sorting out before you can say goodbye has all been dealt with.[/quote]
I think the issue is that whilst that idea may be better for you, what if your children think differently?

MIL has set up a joint account with DH and BIL, so it defaults to them when she dies, with cash for their choice of goodbye celebration. She’s told them she doesn’t mind at all what they do, direct or the usual. She’s left a note of some stories from her childhood and you her years, a list of some music that she’s loved over the years and some lovely memories she has with them.

We had a rough experience in the family with a very planned funeral. The deceased had chosen every detail from songs to flowers and took no heed to the impact it would have on their family. Their spouse can no longer bear to listen to their wedding song as it now reminds them of the funeral. They also felt they couldn’t go against the “strictly no more than 2 cars” stipulation even though in the years since the plan was made three more of their children had married and that meant there wasn’t space for spouses to go with their grieving spouse. Also one of the children really wanted to read a poem that their late parent had read at their grandparents funerals but as it wasn’t in the plan didn’t feel they could.

Organised and leaving details is one thing. Being overly prescriptive about an event that, bluntly, will make zero difference to you is too much. Imo. Funerals are for the living.

My brothers funeral was beautiful and moving and I can't imagine just not bothering. Funerals are for the living so it doesn't really matter what you want, as you won't have to live with it. I would suggest speaking to your DC about it and asking what they want.

I think you should do what you want op.

Your kids can remember you in anyway they chose.

My Mum organised a big Catholic funeral for my Dad.

There were two eulogies, three services - one the night before to welcome the body into the church, the church funeral then the cremation funeral - countless hymns and a myriad of readings.

She managed to squeeze in a fourth when we had a service in the graveyard to bury his ashes.

I am thankfully NC with my Mum now and won't have to endure another epic funeral like it.

I spent a lot of time talking to my late mum about this. She hated funerals but hated wakes even more; I remember the anxiety surrounding my dad's wake and my mum sobbing with gratitude when I offered to organise it all for her.

So i wasnt surprised when, as she got older, she started complaining about "half her social occasions being funerals of her friends now". She hated it.

And I wasnt surprised when she started talking to me gently about what would happen when she died. She dropped into conversation that she had seen an advert for direct cremations, and asked what I knew about them (nothing).

We researched online together. We discussed bereavement and grieving. I confessed I felt nervous about "what people would say" if I "only" arranged a direct cremation. That I was cheap. Or not respectful. As so many of mum's close friends and family had already died, or lived too far away to travel to a funeral, I made peace with the idea.

My mum died on a crisp Autumn day in October 2022. That morning I walked to the hospital along the towpath by the canal, it was breezy and the sun was so bright. When I reached the ward she was alread dying. I just knew that her spirit would soar into that beautiful, endless Autumn sky and I said goodbye right there and then. My DD didnt want a funeral, and nor did my DB. On the day of her cremation we had a day of reflection and prayer, looked at photos and laughed and cried together, walked in the sunshine and made my mum's favourite meal. In spring, we will take her ashes to her final place of rest in the Church garden, as she always wanted to be with my dad.

We all say our goodbyes in different ways. Talk to the people you love, prepare them, and see what response you get. Best of luck xx

PS these comments about "not bothering" or it being a big "fuck off" make no sense if you have taken the time to talk to the people you love in advance of your death. I adored my mum, she was my best friend, and I was hers. If she had wanted me to track down all her friends and pay for transport to a huge church funeral service, then have a wake in a big hotel, I'd have arranged it. If she had asked me to dispose of her ashes at the top of Mount Kilimanjaro I'd have found a way to climb it!

She wanted to spare me the agony of seeing her coffin disappear behind those curtains. She knew I would be broken into a thousand pieces by her death, and that a funeral wouldn't help me. She knew I'd be of most help to her grandchildren, if I wasnt traumatised by reliving her cremation in my nightmares (something I did after my dad's cremation).

It did feel a very difficult decision simply because I felt it was so hard to explain to other people, but most people were extremely sympathetic (helped along by fear of Omicron, to be fair).

@SpringChickenSubstitute your posts are so moving. Sorry for your loss

My opinion is exactly the same as yours, and think they direct cremation is a good idea. However your children may find it harder. I would ask them and see which they would prefer because most likely it will be them that are having to deal with it

My brothers funeral was beautiful and moving and I can't imagine just not bothering.

It isn't not bothering. It's not like I can't be arsed arranging a funeral for dad! Mum can't physically leave the house at all. Can you imagine how she'd feel if we all went to a crematorium without her? It would destroy her. A direct cremation is what works best for us.

Also, I do understand some people need to see a body for closure. I got to the hospital too late to be with dad. Seeing his dead body was awful for me. I keep having flashback visions of him lying there, while not being there.

I did direct cremation for my dad. He never expressed any wishes other than cremation.
He passed away shortly before Christmas and their would have been about 4 of us at his funeral and I couldn't bare that thought.
My auntie recommended pure cremations as she used them for my uncle.
I think it worked for us, and made a really painful time a little less stressful.
I have his ashes with me now until I can find a suitable place to scatter and say my goodbye.
Some people don't agree with it but I'm going to tell my sons to do the same.

@iklboo

My brothers funeral was beautiful and moving and I can't imagine just not bothering.

It isn't not bothering. It's not like I can't be arsed arranging a funeral for dad! Mum can't physically leave the house at all. Can you imagine how she'd feel if we all went to a crematorium without her? It would destroy her. A direct cremation is what works best for us.

Also, I do understand some people need to see a body for closure. I got to the hospital too late to be with dad. Seeing his dead body was awful for me. I keep having flashback visions of him lying there, while not being there.

When my dad passed away the nurse said do you want to see him and I just couldn't. I did a direct cremation for my dad, I discussed it with my 2 brothers and they were in agreement. My dads sisters don't live near by, his brother in New Zealand so it's what worked for us. I can say goodbye in a more fitting way down the line. Right now his Ashes are with me.

My dad said he didn't want a funeral, just for us to "have a party". We also wanted the kids to come to the service, but didn't want them to go through the awful part of following the coffin/seeing the coffin etc.
So, on the morning of the service, me, mum and my brother followed Dad across to the crematorium (undertaker took him in private car, just our flowers with him), and we walked in the crematorium gardens for a while and just sat together talking and thinking about him. Then we went home and later that day held a service in a local barn venue, with just photos and candles and our flowers, followed by the wake.
It was really lovely. The grandchildren came and were able to join in with our goodbye and dad got his wish. I'll definitely be asking for the same type of funeral for myself, and so many of those who came said it was a lovely way to do things. I think Dad may become a bit of a trailblazer amongst his friends!

I've done the same pure cremation
I would just live some close family to go for a meal or something after and chat nothing expensive. X

Also it removes stress and organising from the family, in an already stressful time. X

My family know I want a direct cremation (for non-financial reasons - I'm a bigger person and feel that anyone having to lift me, or worse - be transported from hearse to Crem on a trolley would be the epitome of undignified).

They don't think it's me being Scrooge-like or telling them to feck off - it's entirely my choice for my dignity.

To be fair, there isn’t usually much organising to be done if you use a funeral director. You tell them what you want and they crack on and do it. The wake takes longer to organise.

Yes, it is fine. We will be created and that's that.

I hate funerals and have never felt that they gave me “closure”.

I’d be perfectly happy with a direct cremation and I would in no way be offended if my parents or DP chose this.

I don't want a funeral. It costs a lot of money that I believe should be used for the living, takes up space that could be used for growing food.
My dad died when I was 17. I hated crying in front of other people, never went to the cemetery. I think about him when I go past where he lives, when memories come up erc. I have no memories of the cemetery
When my grandad died, his body got cremated. His ashes are on a shelf wirh some plants next to it. They'll be scattered in his birthplace somewhere when my grandma dies.
I tpld my family they can cremate my body, keep the ashes or scatter it somewhere, plant a tree in my name.

A friend of mine died overseas. He was cremated there, ashes flown back but absolutely no ceremony here - his family was just one (estranged) brother, no wife, children etc. I didn’t feel I was close enough to arrange anything myself. 3 years on I still feel the lack of a ceremonial “full stop”.

My DM funeral was awful - didn’t feel like it was about her at all, we could have been there for anyone. And I had a stand up row with the minister at the “do” afterwards.

So. There’s no good option. Maybe leave clear instructions as to what you feel is “the right thing”, even if “you” will no longer exist. Most funeral directors will offer a cheaper basic package. Clearly specify in your will that you want no fripperies and waste. Maybe ask for that statement to be included in any service.

@JaniieJones

'I know people who lost loved ones during Covid and they felt robbed of the funeral - a chance to say goodbye and for friends and family to reunite'

Yes but the alternative of a direct cremation doesn't mean people don't get to say goodbye or reunite. We just don't need to be paying extortionate amounts to funeral directors just we can say we've seen a coffin. There isn't any need imo.

Get together and share memories, have photos running on a loop. Celebrate their life without the awful procession of expensive cars and coffins being balanced on shoulders into an environment and situation which is often unbearable for those closest to the deceased.

The key point is that some people want the cars and the flowers and the coffins. They are not compulsory, but nor are they wrong.

And, as a few of us have said more than once, funeral companies' fees are not 'extortionate': we have staff and operational costs to meet as well as the costs of coffins.

And 'just take care of everything yourself' is an option, sure. But it's not going to work for everyone. It's not unlike childbirth in that you might want a natural, simple, unattended birth but there is no guarantee circumstances (like eclampsia, shoulder dystocia etc) won't happen and professional intervention won't be needed.

The company I work for had an incident a while ago where the family decided to order the coffin off Amazon rather than through us. The coffin turned out to be too big to fit in the cremator, so their loved one couldn't actually be cremated that day

Excellent post by @JustLyra (at 18:53:19)

I think it is important that all families have open conversations about death and if there are things that they feel strongly about (such as organ donation, as well as funeral arrangements) but it is important to remember that it is those who are still alive who have to deal with the arrangements, and the closure or lack of closure / the cost / the putting something of themselves into the 'event' that happens / the fact that life moves on and circumstances can change between any of us making a funeral plan and it needing to then be implemented. People should talk about their general wishes and things they feel strongly about, and only really plan the finite detail if it is something you are doing together with loved ones when you now you are in your last few weeks.

@iklboo

My brothers funeral was beautiful and moving and I can't imagine just not bothering.

It isn't not bothering. It's not like I can't be arsed arranging a funeral for dad! Mum can't physically leave the house at all. Can you imagine how she'd feel if we all went to a crematorium without her? It would destroy her. A direct cremation is what works best for us.

Also, I do understand some people need to see a body for closure. I got to the hospital too late to be with dad. Seeing his dead body was awful for me. I keep having flashback visions of him lying there, while not being there.

When my friend's dad died, she was overseas and I tried to get to the hospital to see him before he died but for various reasons I was too late. I did see him to say goodbye to him for her but I was really upset and swore I'd never do it again. When my mum died I didn't go and see her, my sister did even though I'd gently advised her not to as I knew that it would upset her and her daughters, but they went anyway. All of them wished they hadn't gone (knowing my family I knew they would) but my brother went several times and found it comforting. There's no right or wrong way, everyone needs to do what they feel happy with. However, if someone has made a definite decision regarding their funeral, I feel it should be respected.