Aibu or is dh ?

[P4nicSt4tions]

We live in a seaside town and I commute into London 4-5 days a week. My commute - door to door - is approx 4-4.5hrs round trip due to me recently working the other side of London (not sure how long this is sustainable but that's besides the point I'm trying to make). My work day is long and I work hard for our family. DH works 3.5days during week days 30mins drive away.

I have two dc aged 15&9 (not dh's) who I share custody of with their dad. On days I'm in London I walk to station at 6:30am from our house. It is a 15-20min walk. DH will keep the car and kindly helps with school runs on days I have my dc. The studio I work in is open on a Saturday so i work on the Saturdays I don't have my children EOW and take a day off during the week to do school runs and collect my children at normal pick up times. So DH will help with school run two days max per week.

The Saturday I work (which is today - I'm on the train now) I ask DH for a lift. I get a later train at 8:07am so not super early and DH thinks this is unfair. I have said to him that I am happy to drive myself to station and take the key to London and drive it back tonight. He feels this means I am strong arming him into making him give me a lift when it is his day off and he could be sleeping. He said it is ridiculous I will keep him from using the car all day on an Saturday to avoid doing a 15-20min walk to station.

Aibu at feeling so upset at his lack of consideration towards me when I am working my arse off to support our family which includes doing a hellish commute ? When he has 3.5days off a week, works much shorter hours and I am the breadwinner.

You’re not asking for the moon on a stick. It’s a very small thing he could do once per fortnight to make your hellish commute a little easier.

He could do it in his PJs and be back in bed to continue his relaxing morning within 10 minutes (or just go without the car for the day on those days he really can’t be bothered getting up).

Get a spare key for the car and then drive to the station on Saturdays

I wouldn't expect my DH to get up before 8am on his day off work. You said you get the 8.07 train so he must have to get up before 8 to get dressed and sorted then do the car journey and you get to the train platform before 8.07 to name sure you get the train. As a one off sure but not regularly, it sounds like you resent him working less than you which i can understand but resentment in a relationship isn't healthy and needs to be addressed.

Please don't bring how much I am there for my children into this. Being a FT working mum is hard enough without being judged. My children are happy and thriving and I have a brilliant relationship with both of them.

I’m not judging you - I’m a single parent who also works FT but doesn’t have a DH or ex to help with childcare.
I thought when you said you had long days and a long commute it meant getting in a lot later than 6:30pm.

I was trying to find solutions to your problem different to those already suggested and seeing as neither your or your DH is going to budge.

@Pinkfluffyunicornsandrainbows

I wouldn't expect my DH to get up before 8am on his day off work. You said you get the 8.07 train so he must have to get up before 8 to get dressed and sorted then do the car journey and you get to the train platform before 8.07 to name sure you get the train. As a one off sure but not regularly, it sounds like you resent him working less than you which i can understand but resentment in a relationship isn't healthy and needs to be addressed.

As mentioned repeatedly I don't expect a lift. I would happily take the car myself

I think.he helps you and is considerate, he helps with the school run and is available when your hours away.

If your kids are there every other weekend he does probably enjoy the relaxed nature of the weekends you're on your own, so being expected to be up and out of the house before 8 is unreasonable.

@Ipadflowers

Op, I didn’t mean In terms of school runs, I meant you work to financially provide for your children?

And that would be my pov tbh. @P4nicSt4tions When you used to collect his child, you were working part time. You're now working a role with such a commute due to supporting your children. And tbh he's doing his share with the school runs too. So it's not that he's not contributing in all ways. Imo, leaving him without a car on a Saturday is shit. As is the expectation that every other Saturday he has to be up and out to get you to the station. Could you not request he collects you in the evening from the station?

@WonderfulYou

Please don't bring how much I am there for my children into this. Being a FT working mum is hard enough without being judged. My children are happy and thriving and I have a brilliant relationship with both of them.

I’m not judging you - I’m a single parent who also works FT but doesn’t have a DH or ex to help with childcare.
I thought when you said you had long days and a long commute it meant getting in a lot later than 6:30pm.

I was trying to find solutions to your problem different to those already suggested and seeing as neither your or your DH is going to budge.

Hi yes I probably should have explained. I work flexibly to be there for my children as much as poss then work later when they are with their dad.

On reading the comments i agree with what many other posters have said, get a second car key and that solves the problem. You can drive to the station, he collects the car if he wants to use it in the day and he either drops it back at the station for you to drive home or he picks you up.

I’m totally on the fence here, on paper I think DH is being unreasonable but I know deep down I would hate getting up on my day off to do it, even though I know I should do it. If DH has had to leave his van at work for any reason (if we’ve had holiday, they needed it for a weekend job and he wasn’t working etc), I have to get up on a Monday am and drop him off at 6am. I do it but I hate it.

Do you have to work every other Saturday or are you choosing to do it so you get a day off in the week to do the school runs?

Personally I would just work during the week and get him to do the school runs (which he does most days anyway) and then you get a proper break at the weekends.

@Pinkfluffyunicornsandrainbows

On reading the comments i agree with what many other posters have said, get a second car key and that solves the problem. You can drive to the station, he collects the car if he wants to use it in the day and he either drops it back at the station for you to drive home or he picks you up.

Yes I agree and have said so above

He gets t8me off in the week, it’s every other weekend

So yes take the car, he doesn’t like it he gets up and drops you off and picks you up and has the car

Or pays for another key picks the car up later then come and picks you up. It’s two days a month, not everyday

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

Do you have to work every other Saturday or are you choosing to do it so you get a day off in the week to do the school runs?

Personally I would just work during the week and get him to do the school runs (which he does most days anyway) and then you get a proper break at the weekends.

I choose to do it to be there for my children at normal school day times on the week day I have off.

I really don’t understand the point of posts like this. OP has already decided that OH is being unreasonable, and she isn’t.
She’s clearly not going to changed her mind … pointless.

For the record … get a cab, it’s a fiver and you are both sorted.

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

Do you have to work every other Saturday or are you choosing to do it so you get a day off in the week to do the school runs?

Personally I would just work during the week and get him to do the school runs (which he does most days anyway) and then you get a proper break at the weekends.

And I would rather be around for my kids than have a whole day off to myself without them. Doing lots of unnecessary after school clubs is not what I want for my 9yo so I'm doing my best to work around this

So as it's a choice I would stop doing it @P4nicSt4tions.

I know you want to do the school run but realistically this kind of commute combined with working weekends isn't realistic long-term. You will exhaust yourself if you never have a proper day off with no early start and long commute.

Ask DH to do the school run on the weekdays your kids are there and have your weekends off to rest.

I think he should get up and give you a lift. My DH would do this without a second thought, and I am not the breadwinner.

Presumably the job you have and the money you make is enabling him to work only 3.5 days a week? And even if you were both full time I think he should be taking you, marriage is supposed to be about being a team which involves doing things you don’t HAVE to do for your spouse, but you do them because you love them.

But why would he have to do unnecessary school clubs if your DH is around to do the school run? @P4nicSt4tions

And it’s not his “day off” - he has a day and a half during the week, plus weekends. Your DC are not young children who wake at 6am, so no-one is disrupting his “lie in” then!

Get a second key cut. You drive and he walks to pick up the car when he is ready. No brainer. He is NBU to want a lie in and be without the car all day. YAnbu to want to save time and get earlier trains. If you can walk so can he. Get a second key cut.

So @P4nicSt4tions you agree with getting a key.

But are you still pissed off with your DH? Not being goady...just interested to see if it has calmed your emotions around it?

I think I would intially be really WTAFuckety fuck with my DH in a similar situation. Just fucking get up.

But actually the two sides have been suggested (plus there is a solution).

Not always easy to let go of the WTAFuckety fuck feelings though...

@ExtraOnion

I really don’t understand the point of posts like this. OP has already decided that OH is being unreasonable, and she isn’t. She’s clearly not going to changed her mind … pointless.

For the record … get a cab, it’s a fiver and you are both sorted.

The point of the post is that I don't think I'm being unreasonable and Dh thinks he isn't being unreasonable. Lots of posters are saying I'm not, lots of posters are saying DH isn't. Based on conflicting responses, why would I conclude that iabu?

Also some posters have made some interesting suggestions and pov and I thank them for that

I would tell dh to work more hours and buy himself a car.

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

But why would he have to do unnecessary school clubs if your DH is around to do the school run? *@P4nicSt4tions*

DH collects them at 6pm after his work. My train gets in at 6:30