Aibu or is dh ?

[P4nicSt4tions]

We live in a seaside town and I commute into London 4-5 days a week. My commute - door to door - is approx 4-4.5hrs round trip due to me recently working the other side of London (not sure how long this is sustainable but that's besides the point I'm trying to make). My work day is long and I work hard for our family. DH works 3.5days during week days 30mins drive away.

I have two dc aged 15&9 (not dh's) who I share custody of with their dad. On days I'm in London I walk to station at 6:30am from our house. It is a 15-20min walk. DH will keep the car and kindly helps with school runs on days I have my dc. The studio I work in is open on a Saturday so i work on the Saturdays I don't have my children EOW and take a day off during the week to do school runs and collect my children at normal pick up times. So DH will help with school run two days max per week.

The Saturday I work (which is today - I'm on the train now) I ask DH for a lift. I get a later train at 8:07am so not super early and DH thinks this is unfair. I have said to him that I am happy to drive myself to station and take the key to London and drive it back tonight. He feels this means I am strong arming him into making him give me a lift when it is his day off and he could be sleeping. He said it is ridiculous I will keep him from using the car all day on an Saturday to avoid doing a 15-20min walk to station.

Aibu at feeling so upset at his lack of consideration towards me when I am working my arse off to support our family which includes doing a hellish commute ? When he has 3.5days off a week, works much shorter hours and I am the breadwinner.

@WheresYourIndicator

YANBU in the slightest OP!

Some of the responses you've had on here are ridiculous and it's shocking to see women setting the bar so low in terms of partner expectations.

Some of the comments such as 'he's already made enough sacrifices for you' and 'I wouldn't expect him to get up on his day off'.

What sacrifices? Seems to me like he has a very cushy situation!

On his day off? He has 3.5 fucking days off?! But how are you ask to interrupt his precious life for 20 mins to give you a lift?

Raise your bar ladies! Honestly, you're doing no one any bloody favours 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

I don't need someone to get up on their days off to prove how much they care about me, lol.

I work all over and would never expect DH to get up early to accommodate my choices, just as he doesn't expect me to do the same.

It's not having a low bar just because some of us have different opinions to you

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

We are a family and we look after each other - well supposedly

Him deciding he doesn't want to give you a lift twice a month doesn't mean he's not looking after you, though.

You are making a choice to work on a weekend when you could work during the week instead - IMO that means you need to figure out a solution that doesn't impact on the rest of the family too much.

So, getting a separate key cut, walking, paying £5 for a taxi, cycling etc.

I wouldn't want to get up early on one of my days off because my husband had decided to work when he could work during the week and we could both have a weekend lie in.

You're missing the point though. She's still commuting mid week if she doesn't work on Saturday and still walking to the station without the use of her car. She just wants a break one day a week and have access to her car and drive to the station wether her DH drops her or she takes the car and parks it. He's unhappy either way because he wants the car everyday even when he's not working.

@trunktoes

I think you are being unreasonable. I am in a similar situation and I wouldn't expect my husband to give me a lift neither would I think it was reasonable to have the car rendering it useless all day. I would either walk, get a cab or if it's that much of an issue but a cheap car. It's one day every other week - surely you can manage to sort yourself out

Exactly it's one day a week "surely he can manage to sort himself out". I absolutely cannot believe the replies on this thread.

I also work long hours (as does my DH) and we have made many sacrifices along the way to support our family. We would happily forgo a poxy lie in one day a fortnight to help the other out without question. I can only think these people posting with such disdain and indifference for OP don't work many hours themselves and have no comprehension of how tiring working, commuting and looking after a family is.

@TheRealityCheque

It's always fun when someone asks 'AIBU', the vast majority of people say yes so they keep doubling down trying to justify it.

You are being unreasonable. Why bother asking if you won't listen to the loud replies?

No not the vast majority, just a few who have obviously never worked long hours and commuted so have no comprehension of what relief driving to the train station once a fortnight would give to shorten the day slightly.

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

My husband doesn't think it is a silly unnecessary choice that I work every other Saturday (when my dc are with their dad) so I can be around more for my children during the week. He actually - like me - believes that our childrens happiness and well-being is the priority.

And that's great, but he can believe the children are a priority and support you in that without getting up on the weekends to drive you to the station.

It doesn't mean he doesn't care or doesn't love you or doesn't want to support you.

@fairylightsandwaxmelts are you OP's husband?

YANBU. My dh wouldn't even have to be asked.

He sounds so awful, selfish and lazy.

YOU deserve better, much better.

Responding to the original question, I agree with the DH that depriving him of the car for the day would not be reasonable.

I think that him giving a lift is also unreasonable, on the grounds that it will probably cost him about the same amount of time it will save her, so there's no net benefit to them as a couple. (When I give DW a "five-minute" lift, it takes about 20 minutes out of my day, when all is said and done.) Also, to get someone to an 8am train, I'd need to get up an hour earlier, which would be an additional sacrifice.

I also think that "work" is a box or package where all the costs and benefits and choices are controlled by and belong to the individual, who then funds their share of household spending out of the proceeds. So the cost (financial or otherwise) of getting to work should not generally fall on a partner. (When I do household accounts, the cost of my car, which I needed for the commute, to a job that supported both of us, was not treated as a joint expense. Instead I treated it as negative earnings, like income tax. It was just one of the costs, financial and otherwise, that reduced that attractiveness of a job, which I still did because the net income was worth it. I see OPs commute similarly, it's a non-financial cost of working, it reduces her overall "return" on her job, but it's nothing to do with the family finances.)

RandomLonder how does it take you an hour to get up to give a lift for your DW???

Outside of London/Brum/Manchester most roads are so quiet 8am at the weekend!

I got woken up with a cuppa 10 mins before we leave, I pull on enough layers of clothes in car delivered and back in bed within 15 minutes at most and we live a 40 minute walk from the station!

@RandomLondoner

Responding to the original question, I agree with the DH that depriving him of the car for the day would not be reasonable.

I think that him giving a lift is also unreasonable, on the grounds that it will probably cost him about the same amount of time it will save her, so there's no net benefit to them as a couple. (When I give DW a "five-minute" lift, it takes about 20 minutes out of my day, when all is said and done.) Also, to get someone to an 8am train, I'd need to get up an hour earlier, which would be an additional sacrifice.

I also think that "work" is a box or package where all the costs and benefits and choices are controlled by and belong to the individual, who then funds their share of household spending out of the proceeds. So the cost (financial or otherwise) of getting to work should not generally fall on a partner. (When I do household accounts, the cost of my car, which I needed for the commute, to a job that supported both of us, was not treated as a joint expense. Instead I treated it as negative earnings, like income tax. It was just one of the costs, financial and otherwise, that reduced that attractiveness of a job, which I still did because the net income was worth it. I see OPs commute similarly, it's a non-financial cost of working, it reduces her overall "return" on her job, but it's nothing to do with the family finances.)

A hour? What are you doing for so long?

@Ginandvomits - lol, no. Do you really believe that simply because I disagree with OP, I must be her husband?

People have different opinions and women are allowed to side with men in arguments sometimes - shocking, I know!

He has 3 days off and hes still moaning-he either can live withough the car and get public transport or gives you a lift

selfish

@RandomLondoner

Responding to the original question, I agree with the DH that depriving him of the car for the day would not be reasonable.

I think that him giving a lift is also unreasonable, on the grounds that it will probably cost him about the same amount of time it will save her, so there's no net benefit to them as a couple. (When I give DW a "five-minute" lift, it takes about 20 minutes out of my day, when all is said and done.) Also, to get someone to an 8am train, I'd need to get up an hour earlier, which would be an additional sacrifice.

I also think that "work" is a box or package where all the costs and benefits and choices are controlled by and belong to the individual, who then funds their share of household spending out of the proceeds. So the cost (financial or otherwise) of getting to work should not generally fall on a partner. (When I do household accounts, the cost of my car, which I needed for the commute, to a job that supported both of us, was not treated as a joint expense. Instead I treated it as negative earnings, like income tax. It was just one of the costs, financial and otherwise, that reduced that attractiveness of a job, which I still did because the net income was worth it. I see OPs commute similarly, it's a non-financial cost of working, it reduces her overall "return" on her job, but it's nothing to do with the family finances.)

If we are solely talking about the purpose of our work as a means of producing financial income, my income means my husband does not have to work full time. He gets a lot of time off - again, and I repeat, one whole week off work a fortnight. Seven child and work free days over a two week period. Plus he doesn't need an hour to get ready. What would he do? He doesn't need to have a shower and iron a shirt to drop me five mins up the road in the car at 8am on a sat morning

[quote fairylightsandwaxmelts]@Ginandvomits - lol, no. Do you really believe that simply because I disagree with OP, I must be her husband?

People have different opinions and women are allowed to side with men in arguments sometimes - shocking, I know![/quote]
However much the bigger picture is spelled out to you, you can't join the dots

I must admit I wouldn't like to be awoken every other Saturday when I didn't need to be. I think YABU

[quote fairylightsandwaxmelts]@Ginandvomits - lol, no. Do you really believe that simply because I disagree with OP, I must be her husband?

People have different opinions and women are allowed to side with men in arguments sometimes - shocking, I know![/quote]
Male or female is irrelevant, it's your sheer persistence to undermine and disregard OP's opinion and feelings to score points.

@Looneytune253

I must admit I wouldn't like to be awoken every other Saturday when I didn't need to be. I think YABU

Even when you work PT? And have 7 days out of 14 off to do as you please which is partly funded by your harder working OH?

Ok let's reframe it. I believe that I should have the car to get to work. My very part time working dh has the car most of the time. I on the other hand walk, get train, cycle across London most days. Why shouldn't I have the car for one day a fortnight if I feel it helps me?

And thank you gin&vomits

Clearly some people have never been in this situation (blended family, FT working commuting mother)

It seems that you've posted in AIBU to prove you're in the right and even when the majority of posters are disagreeing with you you're still insisting that you aren't being unreasonable. Listen to what the other posters have said and take the walk (or get a spare key)

@Looneytune253

It seems that you've posted in AIBU to prove you're in the right and even when the majority of posters are disagreeing with you you're still insisting that you aren't being unreasonable. Listen to what the other posters have said and take the walk (or get a spare key)

The majority? I don't think so!

YANBU. Incredible that he won't hoist out at 8am. to help you.

Is this indicative of his general attitude toward you?

I would get up to take my DH to the station. And I’d be back before you know, on the couch watching breakfast TV, enjoying coffee and a bagel. Feeling bloody relieved that it isn’t me doing that route or working on a Saturday. And appreciating all that my partner does.

He doesn’t appreciate you, and begrudges doing a small thing that would make your life a bit easier. Very unpleasant.

You have a really shitty commute.

But that's your choice.

It's sounds as though you're really angry that DH does not have a shitty commute. And that you really resent it.

@Looneytune253

It seems that you've posted in AIBU to prove you're in the right and even when the majority of posters are disagreeing with you you're still insisting that you aren't being unreasonable. Listen to what the other posters have said and take the walk (or get a spare key)

I'd go back and read the whole thread. The majority - you're wrong

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

You have a really shitty commute.

But that's your choice.

It's sounds as though you're really angry that DH does not have a shitty commute. And that you really resent it.

Read the thread for larger context. I don't mind the commute generally. It isn't a long term thing so I'm cracking on with it. This is boring now.