Aibu or is dh ?

[P4nicSt4tions]

We live in a seaside town and I commute into London 4-5 days a week. My commute - door to door - is approx 4-4.5hrs round trip due to me recently working the other side of London (not sure how long this is sustainable but that's besides the point I'm trying to make). My work day is long and I work hard for our family. DH works 3.5days during week days 30mins drive away.

I have two dc aged 15&9 (not dh's) who I share custody of with their dad. On days I'm in London I walk to station at 6:30am from our house. It is a 15-20min walk. DH will keep the car and kindly helps with school runs on days I have my dc. The studio I work in is open on a Saturday so i work on the Saturdays I don't have my children EOW and take a day off during the week to do school runs and collect my children at normal pick up times. So DH will help with school run two days max per week.

The Saturday I work (which is today - I'm on the train now) I ask DH for a lift. I get a later train at 8:07am so not super early and DH thinks this is unfair. I have said to him that I am happy to drive myself to station and take the key to London and drive it back tonight. He feels this means I am strong arming him into making him give me a lift when it is his day off and he could be sleeping. He said it is ridiculous I will keep him from using the car all day on an Saturday to avoid doing a 15-20min walk to station.

Aibu at feeling so upset at his lack of consideration towards me when I am working my arse off to support our family which includes doing a hellish commute ? When he has 3.5days off a week, works much shorter hours and I am the breadwinner.

Jeeeze, just get another car key made. I know they can be expensive, but it would save all this agro.

It sounds like resentment is building on both sides. Can you have a bit of a relationship health check to see what is underneath it. Surely if you were both happy you could have a happy compromise. Has one of you been pushed into this work life balance by the other?

But this is about the dispute I have with my husband about me feeling he is being selfish and him thinking I am

You sound like you work very hard and that commute sounds like a killer and if I was him I would want to drop you off at the station knowing it would make the commute easier.

However, calling him selfish is very unfair.
He is looking after your children and if he wasn’t around you wouldn’t be able to be a single parent and work that job.

So if you enjoy your job and make decent money then I would suck it up as he has made a lot of sacrifices for you already.

I completely feel your pain though.

YABU.

I wouldn’t even dream of making my DH wake up early to drop me off at the station when it a walk I do every other day of the week. You’re the selfish one there.

Also, why ask if YABU if you’re going to argue against everyone who thinks you are.

@phishy

I don't mind him working PT - especially when he helps with school runs. We are okay financially

Why don’t you mind? There are other options for the childcare.

He doesn’t value the sacrifices you make.

I'm hoping this commute is a shortish term measure. I have said I will give it a year (started working at this location in November).

I don't mind he works PT because we have enough money. I also like my job and I can't do this PT.

@WonderfulYou

But this is about the dispute I have with my husband about me feeling he is being selfish and him thinking I am

You sound like you work very hard and that commute sounds like a killer and if I was him I would want to drop you off at the station knowing it would make the commute easier.

However, calling him selfish is very unfair.
He is looking after your children and if he wasn’t around you wouldn’t be able to be a single parent and work that job.

So if you enjoy your job and make decent money then I would suck it up as he has made a lot of sacrifices for you already.

I completely feel your pain though.

He has a teenage daughter who mostly lives with her mum. She comes and goes as she pleases.

When his daughter was in primary school and early secondary I would help with the school run for her

You said you have enough money. Get a taxi!!

Would it not be easier for your children if they lived with their dad for the majority of the time and then saw you on Fridays and Saturdays or something?

It seems like you’re not seeing them very often when it’s your contact time if you work long days and it’s such a long commute, so it sounds more hassle than it’s worth.

You could then stay in London on the days you’re working if it works out cheaper.

@ahcmonnow

You said you have enough money. Get a taxi!!

Why should I do this? I pay for a car that I rarely get to use!

You don't need a second key, just get a Key Safe for the car.

Then he can walk over when it's convenient for him.

Hope your commute can change to something less arduous soon.

@WonderfulYou

Would it not be easier for your children if they lived with their dad for the majority of the time and then saw you on Fridays and Saturdays or something?

It seems like you’re not seeing them very often when it’s your contact time if you work long days and it’s such a long commute, so it sounds more hassle than it’s worth.

You could then stay in London on the days you’re working if it works out cheaper.

My son is 15 so gets himself home from school. My 9yo does after school club Mon and every other Tuesday until 6. I take every other Tuesday off work to do normal school drop off and pick up. I take regular holidays during school hols to always be there with my children and we have every other weekend together uninterrupted.

I also leave work early the days I have my children and do an hour work on the train to be back for them at a reasonable time (6.30pm).

Please don't bring how much I am there for my children into this. Being a FT working mum is hard enough without being judged. My children are happy and thriving and I have a brilliant relationship with both of them.

Like so many other cases, it isn't really a shared car. He sees it as his and he gives you lifts. He has three days to Galavant beyond public transport, he's being selfish. However getting another key and him walking to the car, after all it's only 15 minutes, is the solution. Personally I'd want the car on some days, though. Look at the posts about men taking over the house WFH. Women's jobs are still seen as something that has to fit in and not be accommodated.

He is BU and should give you a lift, then he can go back to bed afterwards.

fucking hell people, she's asking for ONE lift PER Fortnight

He is selfish

If its such a big deal work your day off in the week and have sat off, he can pick up the slack with the exrra kids drop off in the week.

If he really wanted to sleep late, he could offer to pay for your uber to the station?

Aren’t you working your arse off for your own kids, they aren’t his? I agree with him, it’s not fair to expect him to get up and take you or for you to take the car just so you don’t need to walk for twenty mins,

Your DH should be happy to make your life that tiny bit easier. He has lots of free time to himself anyway.

I work around one weekend a month & I’m lucky that my DH will get up, make me a cup of tea & de-ice the car if necessary. I’ve never asked him too, but he feels bad that he gets to go back to bed afterwards while I’m at work.

I think your husband is being totally ridiculous. 8 o clock is hardly stupidly early. I cant believe people are calling you lazy for not wanting to walk but cant see that lying in bed is more lazy!! You've given him 2 options and he wont accept either, happy for you to be put out but not himself! That is selfish.

@Ipadflowers

Aren’t you working your arse off for your own kids, they aren’t his? I agree with him, it’s not fair to expect him to get up and take you or for you to take the car just so you don’t need to walk for twenty mins,

I've done my fair share of helping with school runs for his daughter. I worked less hours when my now 9yo was little so would pick his daughter up from school when getting my own dc from school

You are not being unreasonable at all! My husband would never let me walk to the station if he was off no matter how early it was. 😒 good solution with the spare key xxx

I think you are flogging a dead horse. Not in terms of who is right or wrong - but in trying to get him to change his mind on this one.

(Caveat...if this is indicative of other issues in your relationship, deal with those as clearly it is not just all about a lift).

If everything else is good then why are you trying to get MN on side?

He thinks you are being unreasonable to get him to get out of bed when he doesn't need to on the weekend.
You think he is being selfish for not getting up to give him a lift to the station.

He values a lie in on Saturdays. Maybe it is something that is emotionally important to him (was/wasn't allowed as a child/better than the arguements he had as a teen/comforting ritual/deep seated). Maybe he is a lazy arse/he likes the abilty to game late into Friday night with his friends and it is the only night they do it so he cannot change it - ergo 8am on Saturday is eeaarrrlllyy..

You would value 30 mins off your commute. You are tired/hellish commute/a lift says he loves you/you would do it for him/it is more than a lift/why doesn't he want to save you 30/40 minutes. You have a long week, you can spend that time together.

He probably doesn't see him refusing as rejecting you/an emotional message - just a err...why would I get up if I didn't need to?

Or he sees your request as emotionally unreasonable - why would she ask me to do that when she normally just walks and my Saturday mornings are precious.

BTW I am fence-sitting wise more on your side. But am trying to show he may have reasons other than just being lazy/selfish.

So...you disagree.

You have a solution. New key.

Use it.

Drop the arguement.

Better than a resentful walk every other Saturday.
Better than a resentful lift every other Saturday.

Life is Too. Short

You are determined to be right, so just take the bloody car.

He needs to start getting up the same time as you on week days so 8am on a Satrap feels like a lie in 🤣

Tbf that's the issue he thinks 8am is early for many people it isn't

Op, I didn’t mean In terms of school runs, I meant you work to financially provide for your children?

I definitely think he should pick you up at the end of the day, but I don’t think he should have to get up early to drive you 5 minutes.

It isn’t “shaving 30-40 minutes off the commute.” The car journey itself will probably take 5 minutes. So your 15 minute walk is 10 minutes more journey time than if he took you.

It seems a bit of a pain to have to get up earlier than you need to save 10 minutes of someone’s time. Fair enough if the weather was terrible.

The main thing I think is that you’re happy to walk every other day at 6.30, when it’s darker and colder and he is taking your DC to school. But you can’t possibly walk on a Saturday when you’re going an hour and a half later?

Is it that you feel (justifiably) that you spend so much time working for the family that you feel your DH should be doing something and getting up as well every day that you do? Is your insistence that you can’t walk on a Saturday when you do it earlier every other day just a way of forcing him to get out of bed so you feel better about doing all this commuting yourself?

I can see why you might feel like this, but the benefit to you is 10 minutes, so I don’t think it’s worth making a big fuss and a load of bad feeling about it. If you fee he’s not pulling his weight then maybe he should do some more household jobs on a Saturday while you’re at work, which would actually benefit you more and still mean he could have a lie in.