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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is dh ?

411 replies

P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 08:35

We live in a seaside town and I commute into London 4-5 days a week. My commute - door to door - is approx 4-4.5hrs round trip due to me recently working the other side of London (not sure how long this is sustainable but that's besides the point I'm trying to make). My work day is long and I work hard for our family. DH works 3.5days during week days 30mins drive away.

I have two dc aged 15&9 (not dh's) who I share custody of with their dad. On days I'm in London I walk to station at 6:30am from our house. It is a 15-20min walk. DH will keep the car and kindly helps with school runs on days I have my dc. The studio I work in is open on a Saturday so i work on the Saturdays I don't have my children EOW and take a day off during the week to do school runs and collect my children at normal pick up times. So DH will help with school run two days max per week.

The Saturday I work (which is today - I'm on the train now) I ask DH for a lift. I get a later train at 8:07am so not super early and DH thinks this is unfair. I have said to him that I am happy to drive myself to station and take the key to London and drive it back tonight. He feels this means I am strong arming him into making him give me a lift when it is his day off and he could be sleeping. He said it is ridiculous I will keep him from using the car all day on an Saturday to avoid doing a 15-20min walk to station.

Aibu at feeling so upset at his lack of consideration towards me when I am working my arse off to support our family which includes doing a hellish commute ? When he has 3.5days off a week, works much shorter hours and I am the breadwinner.

OP posts:
Toffeevodkaplease · 29/01/2022 10:40

Sorry but if I was your dh I'd feel the same.

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 10:41

@FawnFrenchieMum

I’m totally on the fence here, on paper I think DH is being unreasonable but I know deep down I would hate getting up on my day off to do it, even though I know I should do it. If DH has had to leave his van at work for any reason (if we’ve had holiday, they needed it for a weekend job and he wasn’t working etc), I have to get up on a Monday am and drop him off at 6am. I do it but I hate it.
I wouldn't ask for a lift at 6am. Or 7am. I think 8am is reasonable on a Saturday when you have 5 other days off in a fortnight to lie in bed until when you want to get up
OP posts:
Iwonder08 · 29/01/2022 10:41

There are many solutions to your problem without creating unnecessary drama.. Taxi, new key, another car, bike etc. You just feel you are entitled to it because you work more hours and earn more money. I would concentrate on addressing the bigger problem you have: why is your DH work fewer hours and doesn't earn more? I bet it annoys you and you feel the car is just that little thing he could have done for you

litlealligator · 29/01/2022 10:42

If you can't afford or don't want to buy a car, why not buy yourself a little moped? Then you can ride the moped to the station and the problem is resolved.

SirChenjins · 29/01/2022 10:43

YANBU - I can’t imagine a scenario where DH or I wouldn’t give each other a lift in this situation.

Hb12 · 29/01/2022 10:43

I don't think you're unreasonable at all, he sounds like a petulant teenager. I'd take the car.

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 10:44

@Iwonder08

There are many solutions to your problem without creating unnecessary drama.. Taxi, new key, another car, bike etc. You just feel you are entitled to it because you work more hours and earn more money. I would concentrate on addressing the bigger problem you have: why is your DH work fewer hours and doesn't earn more? I bet it annoys you and you feel the car is just that little thing he could have done for you
I think it is about caring for your OH. I would do it for him if I had 5 other days off in a fortnight to lie in bed.

I am happy for him to work PT. I think we need to work together on if he is working PT then what is fair in terms of addressing each other's needs.

OP posts:
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 29/01/2022 10:45

DH collects them at 6pm after his work. My train gets in at 6:30

Ah, gotcha.

I would just get a second key cut or pay for a taxi if you don't want to walk, though.

DH and I do give each other lifts if absolutely necessary but it would becoming tiring if it was expected all the time when there's a simple solution.

inheritancetrack · 29/01/2022 10:45

He is being an arse not giving you a lift. He has a pretty easy life and the least he can do is show he cares about you and gives you this lift. He still gets plenty of lie ins

Scianel · 29/01/2022 10:46

If you can't afford or don't want to buy a car

OP already owns a car.

Pinkfluffyunicornsandrainbows · 29/01/2022 10:46

@P4nicSt4tions Yes sorry you did say you would take the car, my mistake. I think it's a tough one, you are probably exhausted and just want a little help from him once every other week but he maybe doesn't want his day disturbed by getting woken up early on a day he's not in work or being without the car all day. I don't see a clear cut right or wrong, i can see both sides of the argument. I think you feel very let down and unsupported that you work so hard and he won't sacrifice his lie in every other Saturday or do without the car for the day, I understand that. The spare key is the obvious solution but if you feel like there's more to this than just this one issue then you both need to talk about it and deal with things. I hope you can both work it out op.

Sparkletastic · 29/01/2022 10:47

Is DH selfish in other ways or just about this?

billy1966 · 29/01/2022 10:49

YANBU OP.

What a hellish commute.

I can't imagine a loving partner not wanting to make that load a bit easier for you once a fortnight.

Flowers
Stompythedinosaur · 29/01/2022 10:49

I think YABU. Of course your partner, who clearly already helps with your dc a lot, should be able to stay in bed past 7 on a Saturday. Just walk like you usually do!

Calmdown14 · 29/01/2022 10:50

Does he do anything on a Friday night that makes getting up on a Saturday difficult?
If not I fail to see 7.45 as as a massive hardship. But then I live with a man that gets up at 6am every day!
I suspect views are fairly evenly split between those who consider this a normal waking time and those who do not.
I thought much past 8.30 was reserved for teenagers and hangovers!

ChoiceMummy · 29/01/2022 10:51

@Scianel

If you can't afford or don't want to buy a car

OP already owns a car.

No, jointly owns a family car. And arguably, a car being used by the family on the Saturday trumps being sat in a car park to facilitate 10 minutes total usage.
Hockeyboysmum · 29/01/2022 10:52

Imo hes being an arse. It must only be a 5 min drive so he could easily stick a jumper over his pjs drop you off then go back to bed.

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 10:53

@Calmdown14

Does he do anything on a Friday night that makes getting up on a Saturday difficult? If not I fail to see 7.45 as as a massive hardship. But then I live with a man that gets up at 6am every day! I suspect views are fairly evenly split between those who consider this a normal waking time and those who do not. I thought much past 8.30 was reserved for teenagers and hangovers!
No he doesn't work on Friday nights. He was out with his pals last night but that is his choice
OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 29/01/2022 10:53

Get a spare key cut at Timpsons

timeisnotaline · 29/01/2022 10:57

My dh would do it for me. The school run help is irrelevant, the op has done the same for him plus it’s a bigger deal for the breadwinner to be helping with school runs for a step child. Mumsnet would probably tell a mum who worked part time that she was lazy if her childrens step dad picked them up sometimes.

If he doesn’t want to give you a lift, definitely take the car. He can organise the second key. YANBU at all.

Theluggage15 · 29/01/2022 10:59

I wouldn’t want to have only one car key, what a nightmare if you lose it. Get another key cut, problem solved. Or is there a reason you don’t want to make things simpler?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 29/01/2022 11:00

@Hockeyboysmum

Imo hes being an arse. It must only be a 5 min drive so he could easily stick a jumper over his pjs drop you off then go back to bed.
I suspect if this was the other way around with a husband getting stroppy because he wasn't offered a lift to the station on weekends, the responses would be very much in favour of him getting up earlier, changing jobs, sorting out his own key or getting a taxi.
Pinkyantelope · 29/01/2022 11:02

He's making it your problem really, isn't he? Given the extra hours you're working, I think he should have been trying to find a solution, whether that's getting another key cut, getting his arse out of bed, or letting you have the car every other Saturday.

As often in these threads, is it the lack of caring that stings OP? That's what it would feel like for me.

hangrylady · 29/01/2022 11:02

He's unreasonable and sounds like a lazy bastard. Why is he only working 3.5 days a week? It's not like the Saturday is his only day off if he's not working full time. Also, he is not 'kindly' doing the school run, by marrying you he entered into your family as the children's step father, so he should pull his weight IMO. He's got it all hasn't he? Working part time while you financially support him, minimal help with the children and a lovely lie in while you go out to work on a Saturday and he can't even be arsed giving you a quick lift to the station!

Theluggage15 · 29/01/2022 11:02

Actually he should get another key cut, it’s his problem to solve. I can understand why you feel annoyed at his attitude, I think I would feel the same.