Aibu or is dh ?

[P4nicSt4tions]

We live in a seaside town and I commute into London 4-5 days a week. My commute - door to door - is approx 4-4.5hrs round trip due to me recently working the other side of London (not sure how long this is sustainable but that's besides the point I'm trying to make). My work day is long and I work hard for our family. DH works 3.5days during week days 30mins drive away.

I have two dc aged 15&9 (not dh's) who I share custody of with their dad. On days I'm in London I walk to station at 6:30am from our house. It is a 15-20min walk. DH will keep the car and kindly helps with school runs on days I have my dc. The studio I work in is open on a Saturday so i work on the Saturdays I don't have my children EOW and take a day off during the week to do school runs and collect my children at normal pick up times. So DH will help with school run two days max per week.

The Saturday I work (which is today - I'm on the train now) I ask DH for a lift. I get a later train at 8:07am so not super early and DH thinks this is unfair. I have said to him that I am happy to drive myself to station and take the key to London and drive it back tonight. He feels this means I am strong arming him into making him give me a lift when it is his day off and he could be sleeping. He said it is ridiculous I will keep him from using the car all day on an Saturday to avoid doing a 15-20min walk to station.

Aibu at feeling so upset at his lack of consideration towards me when I am working my arse off to support our family which includes doing a hellish commute ? When he has 3.5days off a week, works much shorter hours and I am the breadwinner.

@KosherDill

YANBU. Incredible that he won't hoist out at 8am. to help you.

Is this indicative of his general attitude toward you?

We've also had a convo about division of housework and taking initiative / mental load stuff.

@P4nicSt4tions

Does DH's comfort really trump me shaving 30-40mins off my commute once a fortnight when he has 3.5days a week to lie in / nap etc ?

if the walk is 15-20 minutes, how does the morning lift shave 30-40 minutes from your journey? not giving an early morning lift doesn't preclude him from picking you up in the evening - and if you have a lift, presumably that is still going to take 10 minutes by the time you've allowed a margin for traffic?

Ok let's reframe it. I believe that I should have the car to get to work. My very part time working dh has the car most of the time. I on the other hand walk, get train, cycle across London most days. Why shouldn't I have the car for one day a fortnight if I feel it helps me?

I agree with you @P4nicSt4tions.

Your poor manz having to haul his tired little body out of bed at 7,45 once a fortnight. Or to have to walk 20 minutes once every 2 weeks on his little tiny delicate toes, whilst you are living it up on a train, bike and at work for hours and hours. I can't believe that you'd even think of putting the poor little dear through that ordeal.

FFS

Hey OP have you thought about getting a second key cut?

In all seriousness, I wouldn’t want to have to get up earlier than I needed to if I could avoid it, but it sounds like there’s a very uneven division of labour in your household and so that would feel like the least I could do.

It sounds like he’s got a pretty easy life compared to yours and it’s a bit sad that he wouldn’t want to do things to make yours easier. If he felt really strongly about wanting a lie in every fortnight I’m sure there are other things he could do help out though.

Now I've found out more I think he is being selfish.
He could instigate cutting another car key on one of his days off if he feels that strongly (after a lie in of course). But as you Op and others have said he can easily drop you at the station and go home to bed again.

Also for some. Including me. 7.30 am start is a lie in. It's not that early and it's not that frequently he's being asked to drive for 10 minutes.

Sounds as if he's having a much easier life than you.

So he’d basically be “providing lifts” a maximum of five days a fortnight. For his family. In the family car. So that labour can be exchanged for money to provide for said family, by a family member that isn’t even him. You are SO not being unreasonable, OP. Bloody hell. Take the car and make the most of that extra bit of time up your sleeve. You obviously work bloody hard. It’s the least you deserve xx

@cocktailclub

Now I've found out more I think he is being selfish. He could instigate cutting another car key on one of his days off if he feels that strongly (after a lie in of course). But as you Op and others have said he can easily drop you at the station and go home to bed again.

Also for some. Including me. 7.30 am start is a lie in. It's not that early and it's not that frequently he's being asked to drive for 10 minutes.

Sounds as if he's having a much easier life than you.

Agree with all of this. You aren't asking him to rise at 4am.

Just take the car. I'd also be pondering the relationship and the merits of financially supporting someone so emotionally stingy.

GET A KEY CUT.

And he can collect the car from the station.

Or get a second car.

Personally I like letting my DP have a lie-in. It's hard having to be the one to get up and go to work though.

@Marshmelllo

GET A KEY CUT.

And he can collect the car from the station.

Or get a second car.

Personally I like letting my DP have a lie-in. It's hard having to be the one to get up and go to work though.

Personally I fine my aDh Likes making life as easy as possible for me.

@Marshmelllo

GET A KEY CUT.

And he can collect the car from the station.

Or get a second car.

Personally I like letting my DP have a lie-in. It's hard having to be the one to get up and go to work though.

he has a lie in for 3 days a week

Op can you elaborate a bit more on his days ‘off’?

So 3.5 a week, is one of those a Sunday that you share together? If so, that takes him down to 2.5 days off. On these days, does he wake up when you do for your early commute and/or deal with kids etc?

If so, just wondering does he see this every other child free Saturday as his one true day to have a sleep in? Maybe that’s why he resents having to take you?

Worth a chat with each other to try and avoid things feeling transactional, as you’ll both end up getting more and more resentful. Hope you find a conclusion that works for both of you until you have a lesser commute at the end of the year!