Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is dh ?

411 replies

P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 08:35

We live in a seaside town and I commute into London 4-5 days a week. My commute - door to door - is approx 4-4.5hrs round trip due to me recently working the other side of London (not sure how long this is sustainable but that's besides the point I'm trying to make). My work day is long and I work hard for our family. DH works 3.5days during week days 30mins drive away.

I have two dc aged 15&9 (not dh's) who I share custody of with their dad. On days I'm in London I walk to station at 6:30am from our house. It is a 15-20min walk. DH will keep the car and kindly helps with school runs on days I have my dc. The studio I work in is open on a Saturday so i work on the Saturdays I don't have my children EOW and take a day off during the week to do school runs and collect my children at normal pick up times. So DH will help with school run two days max per week.

The Saturday I work (which is today - I'm on the train now) I ask DH for a lift. I get a later train at 8:07am so not super early and DH thinks this is unfair. I have said to him that I am happy to drive myself to station and take the key to London and drive it back tonight. He feels this means I am strong arming him into making him give me a lift when it is his day off and he could be sleeping. He said it is ridiculous I will keep him from using the car all day on an Saturday to avoid doing a 15-20min walk to station.

Aibu at feeling so upset at his lack of consideration towards me when I am working my arse off to support our family which includes doing a hellish commute ? When he has 3.5days off a week, works much shorter hours and I am the breadwinner.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/01/2022 09:13

The issue here is the imbalance between your working hours and your DH’s. Your commute time verses his. Your contribution to the family financially against his.

I know you've said you dont mind but I agree with this

Does he use the car every saturday?

Moonshine160 · 29/01/2022 09:14

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP.
You work such long hours and must be exhausted, a lift once every two weeks isn’t much of an ask!

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 09:14

@marqueses

Posters are going to answer based on their own personality I think

I can't imagine an adult not popping out for a few minutes to give someone they love a lift. It's not like it's 4am but others will agree with your DH and value lying in bed more.

No one is right or wrong but why are you ignoring all the posts about the obvious solution of gettin a 2nd key?

I'm not ignoring the posts - I am reading them. I agree a second key would be the best solution moving forwards.

But this is about the dispute I have with my husband about me feeling he is being selfish and him thinking I am

OP posts:
pictish · 29/01/2022 09:15

I wouldn’t get my dh up on a Saturday for this. I’d walk and leave him with the car.

OP the problem here isn’t your dh, it’s that your crazy, exhausting commute is overloading you. Poor you.

Calmdown14 · 29/01/2022 09:17

I don't think you are unreasonable. He has another day to have a lie in presumably?
My husband would take me and probably make me a coffee or breakfast too. It means you get to see each other for a bit before you set off.
Does he pull his weight elsewhere in the relationship? If he's doing all the shopping, cleaning etc I might be more sympathetic to his view point but if not then you need a more general chat about lack of support.
And a plan to change things more widely because what you are doing isn't sustainable

CinnabarRed · 29/01/2022 09:17

Get another key cut!

Why aren’t you even acknowledging this as a possible solution?

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 09:19

@JurgensCakeBabyJesus

Why do you live 4.5 hours from your job when you have to physically be there so much, whose choice was that? If you choose where you live and choose where you work I don't think you can complain about him not facilitating that. This isn't really about once a fortnight you begrudge the hours you put in. Can you not work more locally even for less money, as an adult with no medical issues he could also work full time to pick up any slack. Then no one is commuting for hours and hours a day. It seems like madness
There are no jobs in the industry I work in where I live. There are no well paid jobs at all really. I share my children 50/50 with their dad who they love. My children are settled in their schools. I won't uproot them and take them away from their dad just to be closer to work.
OP posts:
Panda8383 · 29/01/2022 09:19

To be honest i think he should just get up and give you a lift without you having to ask, you’re not asking for much and he can go back to bed if he wants! If it was me I wouldn’t think twice about giving my husband a lift x

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 09:19

@CinnabarRed

Get another key cut!

Why aren’t you even acknowledging this as a possible solution?

Erm read my post above. I have acknowledged it.
OP posts:
stressedy · 29/01/2022 09:19

frankly im with you i think he's being a twat your commute sounds like torture ! hes should want to give you a lift not be throwing his dummy out !!! he works 3.5 days lille wtf!!!

Singlebutmarried · 29/01/2022 09:20

Wow. You’re spending a whole day out of your week travelling.

My mind just boggles at this.

Second key for the future, and a folding bike, chop that commute time down.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 29/01/2022 09:21

So does he have a lie in on Thursday/Friday/Saturday/Sunday? Then I agree with you he's being selfish. In my personal situation at home I wouldn't think it's selfish as DH has only sat/sun to lie in and contributes equally to our household so if he'd said no I'd be ok.

What's he like with the rest of household jobs?

PeakyBlender · 29/01/2022 09:23

No way I wouldn't do this for DH and I know he'd do it for me.

We're in a relationship where we make things easier for each other.

I think your DH is a selfish prick.

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 09:26

@Singlebutmarried

Wow. You’re spending a whole day out of your week travelling.

My mind just boggles at this.

Second key for the future, and a folding bike, chop that commute time down.

Yes my work situation has changed recently. I'm hoping to work at a different studio nearer to the train station. Lots of people commute into London from our town. I do love my job which helps
OP posts:
Winniemarysarah · 29/01/2022 09:31

@P4nicSt4tions

I'm not asking him to organise his day off around me. He could always use public transport or even walk to places. Like I have to most days.
Why would he do that when he has a car that you and your children already massively benefit from? I’m with your oh on this because it’s pure laziness imo to get someone out of bed because you can’t be arsed for a short walk
violetbunny · 29/01/2022 09:31

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. You understandably don't want to walk 20 mins on a Saturday when you could drive because you're already getting up so early most other days. And if I were your DP, I'd still want to be able to lie in and relax on a Saturday (I'm not a morning person and really value being able to lie in!).

Could you get to the station any other way? Cycle perhaps? Buy an old banger of a car that you just use as a runaround?

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 09:33

It isn't 'his' car. Where did you get that from? It is the family car

OP posts:
OtiMama · 29/01/2022 09:33

Personally I think he's being selfish when you work so hard for the family and it's not every week. Does he lie in on those days he isn't working and not doing the school run? They might be your children but when he married you, you presumably had the children and therefore they are part of the family and if I married someone with child I would accept I would help with them to some degree.

I agree second key would be ideal but I do feel he isn't being considerate either way. It's not like he can't go back to bed after he drops you off. I'm amazed how many people think he deserves the lie in when you do so much for the household and walk the rest of the week.

Goldbar · 29/01/2022 09:34

A 15-20 minute walk isn't an issue in itself. But here it's the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I wouldn't ask my DH to get up to drive me in this situation but I would book a taxi.

The real issues are your commute and working hours. What do you do at home? Are there any other jobs that your DH could do to take the load off you a bit more?

You sound very tired Flowers. Your DH sounds like he has a good work-life balance whereas yours sounds horrendous. This is what you need to look at.

Sunnytwobridges · 29/01/2022 09:35

I’d be annoyed at having to get up on Saturday to drive someone especially on a kid free weekend but I’d also want the car sometimes. So I would prob give a lift one out of the two weekends and keep the car the other weekend.

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 29/01/2022 09:36

If it’s the family car that he gets the use of 6 other days of the week then it’s more than reasonable for you to have it on the Saturday you work. He’s selfish

phishy · 29/01/2022 09:36

I don't mind him working PT - especially when he helps with school runs. We are okay financially

Why don’t you mind? There are other options for the childcare.

He doesn’t value the sacrifices you make.

Sunnytwobridges · 29/01/2022 09:36

*I mean let you keep the car the other weekend

HunterHearstHelmsley · 29/01/2022 09:37

I'd just take the car. He has an option to take you if he needs it.

pictish · 29/01/2022 09:40

@Goldbar

A 15-20 minute walk isn't an issue in itself. But here it's the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I wouldn't ask my DH to get up to drive me in this situation but I would book a taxi.

The real issues are your commute and working hours. What do you do at home? Are there any other jobs that your DH could do to take the load off you a bit more?

You sound very tired Flowers. Your DH sounds like he has a good work-life balance whereas yours sounds horrendous. This is what you need to look at.

Agree with every word. You do have my sympathy OP.
Swipe left for the next trending thread