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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is dh ?

411 replies

P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 08:35

We live in a seaside town and I commute into London 4-5 days a week. My commute - door to door - is approx 4-4.5hrs round trip due to me recently working the other side of London (not sure how long this is sustainable but that's besides the point I'm trying to make). My work day is long and I work hard for our family. DH works 3.5days during week days 30mins drive away.

I have two dc aged 15&9 (not dh's) who I share custody of with their dad. On days I'm in London I walk to station at 6:30am from our house. It is a 15-20min walk. DH will keep the car and kindly helps with school runs on days I have my dc. The studio I work in is open on a Saturday so i work on the Saturdays I don't have my children EOW and take a day off during the week to do school runs and collect my children at normal pick up times. So DH will help with school run two days max per week.

The Saturday I work (which is today - I'm on the train now) I ask DH for a lift. I get a later train at 8:07am so not super early and DH thinks this is unfair. I have said to him that I am happy to drive myself to station and take the key to London and drive it back tonight. He feels this means I am strong arming him into making him give me a lift when it is his day off and he could be sleeping. He said it is ridiculous I will keep him from using the car all day on an Saturday to avoid doing a 15-20min walk to station.

Aibu at feeling so upset at his lack of consideration towards me when I am working my arse off to support our family which includes doing a hellish commute ? When he has 3.5days off a week, works much shorter hours and I am the breadwinner.

OP posts:
CovidForChristmas · 29/01/2022 08:56

He said it is ridiculous I will keep him from using the car all day on an Saturday to avoid doing a 15-20min walk to station
I agree.

The issue here is the imbalance between your working hours and your DH’s. Your commute time verses his. Your contribution to the family financially against his.

That’s what needs addressing.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 29/01/2022 08:57

@P4nicSt4tions

We only have one key for the car for some reason (that's what we were given when we bought it)
Isn't it a legal thing that you have to have two keys? Mine only came with one and I vaguely remember signing something to do with it being my responsibility to get a key
Darbs76 · 29/01/2022 08:57

Get another key cut and then your DH can pick the car up later on. I think that for 15-20 mins you could walk, he does take your children to school and do other things so he’s not lazy. Appreciate you work hard too.

Gizlotsmum · 29/01/2022 08:57

I think getting a second key for the car is the answer. You can then drive to the station and once a fortnight he can walk ( at a time that suits him) and collect it. If he can’t be bothered to do that then that is his choice.

phishy · 29/01/2022 08:59

He is a knob.

Why does he work so little,

Dump the lazy cocklodger.

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 09:00

@Suzi888

Bet this is a reverse. If DH deals with the school run, how does he get to lie on in bed? Nightmare of a commute, I would NOT be doing it.
This isn't a reverse. He works on the days he does the school run so would be leaving the house to drive to work anyway. He has Wednesday afternoon and Thursday off every week. These are days My dc are with their dad
OP posts:
lololololollll · 29/01/2022 09:00

I understand both sides, it's your job not his and 20 mins isn't far at all. But also my husband wouldn't bat an eyelid at being asked to do that for me. It's probably the principle

BurntO · 29/01/2022 09:01

Sorry I think YABU. It’s such a short walk, leave him to stay in bed

HollowTalk · 29/01/2022 09:02

Why is he only working part time? Does he pull his weight financially? Why not just get a second key cut?

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 09:03

@BurntO

Sorry I think YABU. It’s such a short walk, leave him to stay in bed
Such a short walk which will shave off 30-40 minutes off a looooong commute. Why does his quality of life matter more than mine? He could stay in bed, I would take the car and he can use public transport and walk on his Saturday off. Just to clarify, I do not expect a lift
OP posts:
FunnyInjury · 29/01/2022 09:03

I’d definitely give a lift tbh and wouldn’t even think it was an issue at all. I think he’s being an arse!

Kbyodjs · 29/01/2022 09:04

He gets other Days to lie in and it’s not super early so I think he’s being ridiculous. He could use the time you’re working to get another key sorted.

rainbowandglitter · 29/01/2022 09:04

Sorry I think I'd walk. It's only 15 minutes each way, it must be less than a mile. That's pretty awful using a car for a mile journey

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 09:05

@HollowTalk

Why is he only working part time? Does he pull his weight financially? Why not just get a second key cut?
I don't mind him working PT - especially when he helps with school runs. We are okay financially
OP posts:
cherrytopcake · 29/01/2022 09:05

A 15/20mins walk to the station is at most 5mins in the car and 5mins back. And he can't manage that ? He sounds lazy and selfish. If he was also doing long hours 5 days a week with long commutes I could completely understand his point of view. But key point here - he isn't! So he's being lazy and selfish.

zingally · 29/01/2022 09:07

YABU. You want an easier time on your child-free weekend, and so does your DH! Remember, they are not his kids, and it sounds like he does a lot for them already.

Unless the weather is absolutely dire, a 15-20 walk is no hardship if you're able-bodied.

But all this could be solved with a second car key.
Sometimes the easiest way to solve a problem is just to throw some money at it... And maybe start looking for a more suitable job nearer home.

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 09:08

@rainbowandglitter

Sorry I think I'd walk. It's only 15 minutes each way, it must be less than a mile. That's pretty awful using a car for a mile journey
Yes of course I agree. If my commute was an hour return trip then I wouldn't be posting this. But you're missing the larger context. Which is this would shave 30-40mins off a 4-4.5hour return journey
OP posts:
Bonnealle · 29/01/2022 09:08

Just get another key cut as people have suggested, then there is no issue?

cherrytopcake · 29/01/2022 09:08

Feel like people are missing the point that OP already slogs away with daily walking and long hours commuting and this takes its toll & is v tiring over time - sometimes it would be nice that your partner runs you to the station eow to save you sanity. Is that so much to ask ?!

marqueses · 29/01/2022 09:10

Posters are going to answer based on their own personality I think

I can't imagine an adult not popping out for a few minutes to give someone they love a lift. It's not like it's 4am but others will agree with your DH and value lying in bed more.

No one is right or wrong but why are you ignoring all the posts about the obvious solution of gettin a 2nd key?

cherrytopcake · 29/01/2022 09:10

I mean the bloke is refusing to walk and collect the car even with a second key so he really is being uncompromising and unreasonable here. Stand your ground op.

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 29/01/2022 09:12

Why do you live 4.5 hours from your job when you have to physically be there so much, whose choice was that? If you choose where you live and choose where you work I don't think you can complain about him not facilitating that.
This isn't really about once a fortnight you begrudge the hours you put in. Can you not work more locally even for less money, as an adult with no medical issues he could also work full time to pick up any slack. Then no one is commuting for hours and hours a day. It seems like madness

cherrytopcake · 29/01/2022 09:12

@P4anicSt4tions said further below: Thanks. I've told him I will take the car. More than happy to. He is resistant to this and thinks IABU

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 29/01/2022 09:12

Who owns/funds the car? If it’s you I’d be taking it.

Aprilx · 29/01/2022 09:13

@P4nicSt4tions

Does DH's comfort really trump me shaving 30-40mins off my commute once a fortnight when he has 3.5days a week to lie in / nap etc ?
Yes I think so, you are being mean. It is like you have to get up so so should he, because you really don’t need the lift. Presumably you got to choose what job you accepted.