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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is dh ?

411 replies

P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 08:35

We live in a seaside town and I commute into London 4-5 days a week. My commute - door to door - is approx 4-4.5hrs round trip due to me recently working the other side of London (not sure how long this is sustainable but that's besides the point I'm trying to make). My work day is long and I work hard for our family. DH works 3.5days during week days 30mins drive away.

I have two dc aged 15&9 (not dh's) who I share custody of with their dad. On days I'm in London I walk to station at 6:30am from our house. It is a 15-20min walk. DH will keep the car and kindly helps with school runs on days I have my dc. The studio I work in is open on a Saturday so i work on the Saturdays I don't have my children EOW and take a day off during the week to do school runs and collect my children at normal pick up times. So DH will help with school run two days max per week.

The Saturday I work (which is today - I'm on the train now) I ask DH for a lift. I get a later train at 8:07am so not super early and DH thinks this is unfair. I have said to him that I am happy to drive myself to station and take the key to London and drive it back tonight. He feels this means I am strong arming him into making him give me a lift when it is his day off and he could be sleeping. He said it is ridiculous I will keep him from using the car all day on an Saturday to avoid doing a 15-20min walk to station.

Aibu at feeling so upset at his lack of consideration towards me when I am working my arse off to support our family which includes doing a hellish commute ? When he has 3.5days off a week, works much shorter hours and I am the breadwinner.

OP posts:
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 30/01/2022 12:38

@P4nicSt4tions

Also I don't think it's true that if a woman came on here complaining that her husband asked for a 10min round trip lift once a fortnight at 8am when she had six child and work free days a fortnight to do whatever she liked - I don't believe her husband would be lambasted
Hmm, judging from previous threads I've read, he would be. I've seen numerous threads on here where husbands want lifts to the station or to work, and the OP is told to stand their ground and tell them to sort it out themselves.
NuffSaidSam · 30/01/2022 12:41

@P4nicSt4tions

'I believe he's been doing it for two months' - hmmm I never said this.
No, but you did say the job in this location started in November and the problem only cropped up two weeks ago. What were you doing before that?
NuffSaidSam · 30/01/2022 12:42

@P4nicSt4tions

Also I don't think it's true that if a woman came on here complaining that her husband asked for a 10min round trip lift once a fortnight at 8am when she had six child and work free days a fortnight to do whatever she liked - I don't believe her husband would be lambasted
He definitely would. This thread has been 50/50. If the sexes were reversed it would 98/2 in favour of LTB.
Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 30/01/2022 12:45

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

These responses astonish me. Don't people work as a team and want to support their hardworking exhausted partners? All this 'whose car is it' 'eating into HIS time off' etc. It's so weird to me, self-oriented.

Yes, we work as a team but marriage doesn't mean giving up all your wants and selfish needs to support someone else's.

OP admits that working weekends in a job with the commute from hell is her choice - she could do it through the week all the time but doesn't want to.

So maybe her DH thinks "well, she doesn't have to get up on a Saturday if she doesn't want to - she's choosing to make things harder than they need to be, so she needs to deal with the consequences of that."

I'm all for supporting my partner and working as a team but I'm also not one to enable what I think are silly, unnecessary choices.

My husband doesn't think it is a silly unnecessary choice that I work every other Saturday (when my dc are with their dad) so I can be around more for my children during the week. He actually - like me - believes that our childrens happiness and well-being is the priority.
OP posts:
Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 30/01/2022 12:48

Re previous Saturdays

We were closed for a few weeks over Christmas so I think I worked one Saturday in December and one in November - can't remember when or how many. It's only really now I've started doing eow

OP posts:
Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 30/01/2022 12:50

It hasn't been 50/50 tbh (read the responses ) and yes if a woman had so much time to herself (he actually has 3.5days off so one week in a fortnight he has off work child free ) then she would be flamed for not doing a small favour to her much harder working bread winning partner

OP posts:
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 30/01/2022 12:52

My husband doesn't think it is a silly unnecessary choice that I work every other Saturday (when my dc are with their dad) so I can be around more for my children during the week. He actually - like me - believes that our childrens happiness and well-being is the priority.

And that's great, but he can believe the children are a priority and support you in that without getting up on the weekends to drive you to the station.

It doesn't mean he doesn't care or doesn't love you or doesn't want to support you.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 30/01/2022 12:53

@P4nicSt4tions

It hasn't been 50/50 tbh (read the responses ) and yes if a woman had so much time to herself (he actually has 3.5days off so one week in a fortnight he has off work child free ) then she would be flamed for not doing a small favour to her much harder working bread winning partner
Sorry OP, but I really don't think so. I say this from having read numerous threads about partners wanting lifts to work or to the station.

It's such a minor issue to get worked up about. He helps you out a lot with the school runs etc - I think you're risking causing a huge issue over nothing here.

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 30/01/2022 12:53

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

My husband doesn't think it is a silly unnecessary choice that I work every other Saturday (when my dc are with their dad) so I can be around more for my children during the week. He actually - like me - believes that our childrens happiness and well-being is the priority.

And that's great, but he can believe the children are a priority and support you in that without getting up on the weekends to drive you to the station.

It doesn't mean he doesn't care or doesn't love you or doesn't want to support you.

That's fine. I don't expect a lift. As has been repeatedly said, I just want use of the car
OP posts:
Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 30/01/2022 12:56

To wax melt

I have read numerous threads too - none of them have been where the woman has a week off a fortnight child and work free and the man is doing a killer commute working FT. You are focusing on the smaller detail - not the bigger picture.

OP posts:
Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 30/01/2022 13:02

Anyway an update because I can't be arsed continually repeating myself in responses.

Spoke to dh - explained my feelings. He explained his and is still struggling to understand. I told him if he was a full time worker or a SAHD to young children then I wouldn't ask for lift and wouldn't feel bad about this. We are working on a plan to make things fair so we are both happy.

Thanks all for considered responses and to many of you for kindness and empathy

OP posts:
jevoudrais · 30/01/2022 13:03

I'm leaning towards YABU.

My commute is 5 hours round trip into London too. If we only had one car I think it would be selfish of me to take it just to leave it parked at the station all day. Shaving half an hour off that commute wouldn't make much difference to me. If it was half an hour off a two hour commute that's different, but I think for the time it saves it's pointless, and you should just walk.

This is partly why we have always had two cars. Yes it costs more, but the freedom not to rely on each other is everything.

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 30/01/2022 13:09

@jevoudrais

I'm leaning towards YABU.

My commute is 5 hours round trip into London too. If we only had one car I think it would be selfish of me to take it just to leave it parked at the station all day. Shaving half an hour off that commute wouldn't make much difference to me. If it was half an hour off a two hour commute that's different, but I think for the time it saves it's pointless, and you should just walk.

This is partly why we have always had two cars. Yes it costs more, but the freedom not to rely on each other is everything.

Of course it makes more sense for me to spend thousands of pounds and further contribute towards fucking up the environment by buying a second car to avoid this every other Saturday.

We don't need another car. I need a second key. A more empathic DH. And a lobotomy at this point

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 30/01/2022 13:12

We are working on a plan to make things fair so we are both happy.

Is the plan to get a second car key? 😂

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 30/01/2022 13:13

@jevoudrais

I'm leaning towards YABU.

My commute is 5 hours round trip into London too. If we only had one car I think it would be selfish of me to take it just to leave it parked at the station all day. Shaving half an hour off that commute wouldn't make much difference to me. If it was half an hour off a two hour commute that's different, but I think for the time it saves it's pointless, and you should just walk.

This is partly why we have always had two cars. Yes it costs more, but the freedom not to rely on each other is everything.

Also I'm sorry to hear about your even more killer commute. Let's hope we look back and it is worth it.

I'm hoping soon that I can work closer to train station and cut commute down to 3hrs round trip. Which some would be horrified by but loads of people here commute to London every day. It's just part of life if you want well paid work

OP posts:
Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 30/01/2022 13:14

@NuffSaidSam

We are working on a plan to make things fair so we are both happy.

Is the plan to get a second car key? 😂

Yes and other stuff. Such as division of housework.
OP posts:
silkience · 30/01/2022 13:36

Can I please point out that there have been numerous threads where women who work part time and need to do very little in the way of childcare have their arses handed to them for expecting their DH who works long hours to do things for them.

@fairylightsandwaxmelts you have literally had it spelt out chapter and verse to you that he does a total of one hour of after school care a week, and two mornings, how much can there even be to do with kids that age, most will sort themselves out! Yet you continue to repeat "he already does a lot to help you out" etc.

Yes it's nice that he drops the younger one into school, but he doesn't have to do anything to help out in the holidays so that three or four hours works out as about two hours a week over the course of the year! Christ I've done more for my neighbour just because she was struggling, this is op's husband, why are you making out that this is some kind of huge contribution that absolves him of anything else?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 30/01/2022 13:59

@silkience

Can I please point out that there have been numerous threads where women who work part time and need to do very little in the way of childcare have their arses handed to them for expecting their DH who works long hours to do things for them.

@fairylightsandwaxmelts you have literally had it spelt out chapter and verse to you that he does a total of one hour of after school care a week, and two mornings, how much can there even be to do with kids that age, most will sort themselves out! Yet you continue to repeat "he already does a lot to help you out" etc.

Yes it's nice that he drops the younger one into school, but he doesn't have to do anything to help out in the holidays so that three or four hours works out as about two hours a week over the course of the year! Christ I've done more for my neighbour just because she was struggling, this is op's husband, why are you making out that this is some kind of huge contribution that absolves him of anything else?

I'm not making out like it's a huge contribution at all Confused I'm just saying it's not like he doesn't already do things to help OP out as a result of her working hours, so it seems a bit silly to fall out over a 10 minute lift twice a month.
BABAHOTEL · 30/01/2022 15:25

@fairylightsandwaxmelts so it's no beg deal 10 drive twice a month, so why doesn't he do it?

BABAHOTEL · 30/01/2022 15:28

*big

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 30/01/2022 15:32

[quote BABAHOTEL]@fairylightsandwaxmelts so it's no beg deal 10 drive twice a month, so why doesn't he do it? [/quote]
Because he doesn't want to?

Why does he need a valid reason anyway? lol.

HTH1 · 30/01/2022 15:33

There is no way in hell I would do that commute, maybe worth a re-think especially if you’re the breadwinner and DH is working so few hours (why is that?).

But putting that aside, getting another car key cut or DH just driving you in his PJs would be the best solution.

BABAHOTEL · 30/01/2022 16:02

@fairylightsandwaxmelts because successful relationships thrive on being kind and acting as a team. Helping your partner, making life easy for each other.

Something you don't value obviously LOL!!!

PinkSyCo · 30/01/2022 16:51

It hasn't been 50/50 tbh (read the responses ) and yes if a woman had so much time to herself (he actually has 3.5days off so one week in a fortnight he has off work child free ) then she would be flamed for not doing a small favour to her much harder working bread winning partner

But it’s not his fault that you have kids and that you have a long commute to work. You sound jealous of him, hence you would rather he needlessly got up early rather than doing the obvious thing of getting another bloody key. To be honest it seems like you need him more than he needs you so I would not be so petty about this if I were you.

PinkSyCo · 30/01/2022 16:55

Also you say you are the breadwinner but are you saying your partner doesn’t pay his way?