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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is dh ?

411 replies

P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 08:35

We live in a seaside town and I commute into London 4-5 days a week. My commute - door to door - is approx 4-4.5hrs round trip due to me recently working the other side of London (not sure how long this is sustainable but that's besides the point I'm trying to make). My work day is long and I work hard for our family. DH works 3.5days during week days 30mins drive away.

I have two dc aged 15&9 (not dh's) who I share custody of with their dad. On days I'm in London I walk to station at 6:30am from our house. It is a 15-20min walk. DH will keep the car and kindly helps with school runs on days I have my dc. The studio I work in is open on a Saturday so i work on the Saturdays I don't have my children EOW and take a day off during the week to do school runs and collect my children at normal pick up times. So DH will help with school run two days max per week.

The Saturday I work (which is today - I'm on the train now) I ask DH for a lift. I get a later train at 8:07am so not super early and DH thinks this is unfair. I have said to him that I am happy to drive myself to station and take the key to London and drive it back tonight. He feels this means I am strong arming him into making him give me a lift when it is his day off and he could be sleeping. He said it is ridiculous I will keep him from using the car all day on an Saturday to avoid doing a 15-20min walk to station.

Aibu at feeling so upset at his lack of consideration towards me when I am working my arse off to support our family which includes doing a hellish commute ? When he has 3.5days off a week, works much shorter hours and I am the breadwinner.

OP posts:
MakingProgress2022 · 29/01/2022 20:29

How about you walk or taxi in the morning and DH picks you up at night?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 29/01/2022 20:45

It literally is just about a lie in. Read the thread

I have.

My point is that I think there's more to it than him being lazy and choosing a lie-in over helping you, even though he may not be openly admitting to it.

He could be pissed off that you're choosing to work a weekend day when you could be spending it with him, for example.

LittleOwl153 · 29/01/2022 21:06

If this were my situation, I'd probably tell him to up his hours and buy his own car.
Then I'd seek to dissolve the rest of the set up because if he can work part time and begrudge you a slight shaving off you commute idbsay there was more wrong... he is resentful at doing the school run, your job, something.

RoseGoldEagle · 29/01/2022 21:21

I think if he was full time and the Sat lie-in was the only day he could lie in I’d think you were being a bit in reasonable (it would feel like you were making a really small improvement to a, admittedly hellish sounding situation, for the sake of a significant impact on him. However as he works 3.5 days he can surely have a lie in on another day?

Seriously though- get a second key cut!!

Tee20x · 29/01/2022 21:23

Haven't read the full thread but have had a skimmed. As others have said the second key is the solution here, however I get where your husband is coming from.

Presumably you've chosen a job in London where you have to commute and requires you to go in every other Saturday. That's not really his problem is it - in his mind he's probably annoyed that you're trying to rope him in to your work schedule and want a lift early in the morning on his Saturday off.

I'd assume if you asked to be picked up from the station that would go down better but the fact that you're asking him to wake up at 8am do drive you is what's causing the issue. Doing that you wouldn't get the relaxation the day before knowing you don't have to wake up to any responsibilities etc which would just be annoying especially if the station is only a 15 min walk away.

You asked why his quality of life is more important than yours but I think if the commute is an issue for you you need to change jobs and not expect your husband to bail you out to cut it down.

Mo1911 · 29/01/2022 21:38

This really isn't anything to do with a car, commute, long lie or even a second car key - perish the thought!!

The OP would like (in my opinion) a bit of recognition and understanding from her husband that she is bursting her behind to build a career, work hard, undertake a marathon commute, contribute significantly to the family income, juggle their relationship and children etc etc etc.

The lift five minutes along the road every other Saturday would simply be a sign that he cares, values her and "sees" how difficult a situation she's in.

I may be wrong but to me, that's the crux of it and maybe where the conversation has to centre.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 29/01/2022 21:45

@Mo1911

This really isn't anything to do with a car, commute, long lie or even a second car key - perish the thought!!

The OP would like (in my opinion) a bit of recognition and understanding from her husband that she is bursting her behind to build a career, work hard, undertake a marathon commute, contribute significantly to the family income, juggle their relationship and children etc etc etc.

The lift five minutes along the road every other Saturday would simply be a sign that he cares, values her and "sees" how difficult a situation she's in.

I may be wrong but to me, that's the crux of it and maybe where the conversation has to centre.

I agree, but at this stage he's not going to be getting up voluntarily, is he?

He'll be doing it because he feels forced or pushed into it (or to save an argument) and all it's going to do is breed resentment.

Some people show they care by "doing" (OP appears to be one of them) but others show their appreciation in other ways - gifts, words etc.

Skeumorph · 29/01/2022 21:47

Gosh there are LOTS of ways in which he could avoid giving you this lift!

You buy another car… all he’d have to do is get a full time job and you’d have more money… oh wait

You stop working on the weekends in addition to your full working week and long commutes… all he’d have to do is get a full time job and then you wouldn’t have to work all hours god sends… oh wait

🤨

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 29/01/2022 21:59

@Skeumorph

Gosh there are LOTS of ways in which he could avoid giving you this lift!

You buy another car… all he’d have to do is get a full time job and you’d have more money… oh wait

You stop working on the weekends in addition to your full working week and long commutes… all he’d have to do is get a full time job and then you wouldn’t have to work all hours god sends… oh wait

🤨

Unusually in this instance it's pretty obvious the part time role suits the OP as well from a household point of view. I know the OP says it's not for ever but this commute is ridiculous unless it's a humungous salary that they're stockpiling.
RepentMotherfucker · 29/01/2022 22:06

I've read all your posts OP but not the full FT. But I wondered if you are a lark (bed early up early) and your husband is an owl (bed late, up late) because I can see how neither of you would feel the other was being reasonable if that were the case.

IME larks think owls are lazy bastards for wanting/needing to sleep in in the mornings and owls think larks are arseholes for wanting them to get up and about in tune with what the rest of the world thinks is a reasonable time...

timeisnotaline · 29/01/2022 22:09

@Tee20x

Haven't read the full thread but have had a skimmed. As others have said the second key is the solution here, however I get where your husband is coming from.

Presumably you've chosen a job in London where you have to commute and requires you to go in every other Saturday. That's not really his problem is it - in his mind he's probably annoyed that you're trying to rope him in to your work schedule and want a lift early in the morning on his Saturday off.

I'd assume if you asked to be picked up from the station that would go down better but the fact that you're asking him to wake up at 8am do drive you is what's causing the issue. Doing that you wouldn't get the relaxation the day before knowing you don't have to wake up to any responsibilities etc which would just be annoying especially if the station is only a 15 min walk away.

You asked why his quality of life is more important than yours but I think if the commute is an issue for you you need to change jobs and not expect your husband to bail you out to cut it down.

She already said there are no good jobs locally, generally not just in her field. I doubt her partner wants the breadwinner to halve her income to save him 10 mins every fortnight.
Ragruggers · 29/01/2022 22:30

When I was nursing my DH would take me to work at 6.30 am to start a shift then collect me at 7 pm to save me walking and taking a bus in the dark.It is what a good marriage is all about.He is thinking about himself.He could go back to bed again if he wanted,has the day to himself.Just take the car and let him sort out his day.

GrumpyTerrier · 29/01/2022 22:34

These responses astonish me. Don't people work as a team and want to support their hardworking exhausted partners? All this 'whose car is it' 'eating into HIS time off' etc. It's so weird to me, self-oriented.

My DH would bend over backwards to help me out with anything, because he cares about me and wants to make my life better in any way he can. If I am knackered and unhappy, he is unhappy. If I am feeling good, he is more likely to feel good. And vice versa.

It's not like your DH works as long and hard as you. If that were the case I would probably not ask him to get up early, because I would want him to be able to rest.

But he already only works 3.5, and could feasibly rest and relax all day after he dropped you off, or at least manage one day with no car to help you out. You sound like you are at the edge of breaking with your commute time- I've been there so I know how destroying it can me.

So YANBU I would be very taken-aback that he didn't want to do such a small thing to make my very difficult situation easier.

careerchangemaybe · 29/01/2022 22:34

He's definitely being unreasonable - he should just let you take the car. He can use public transport for one Saturday a fortnight ffs. You have to use it most other days!

I won't mention getting a second a key cut as I think that's been done to death 😂

But second key or not, he can use public transport for one day a fortnight, surely. 🙄

Wanttobehappy123 · 29/01/2022 23:00

@GrumpyTerrier

These responses astonish me. Don't people work as a team and want to support their hardworking exhausted partners? All this 'whose car is it' 'eating into HIS time off' etc. It's so weird to me, self-oriented.

My DH would bend over backwards to help me out with anything, because he cares about me and wants to make my life better in any way he can. If I am knackered and unhappy, he is unhappy. If I am feeling good, he is more likely to feel good. And vice versa.

It's not like your DH works as long and hard as you. If that were the case I would probably not ask him to get up early, because I would want him to be able to rest.

But he already only works 3.5, and could feasibly rest and relax all day after he dropped you off, or at least manage one day with no car to help you out. You sound like you are at the edge of breaking with your commute time- I've been there so I know how destroying it can me.

So YANBU I would be very taken-aback that he didn't want to do such a small thing to make my very difficult situation easier.

Agree 100%
BABAHOTEL · 30/01/2022 06:03

@GrumpyTerrier

These responses astonish me. Don't people work as a team and want to support their hardworking exhausted partners? All this 'whose car is it' 'eating into HIS time off' etc. It's so weird to me, self-oriented.

My DH would bend over backwards to help me out with anything, because he cares about me and wants to make my life better in any way he can. If I am knackered and unhappy, he is unhappy. If I am feeling good, he is more likely to feel good. And vice versa.

It's not like your DH works as long and hard as you. If that were the case I would probably not ask him to get up early, because I would want him to be able to rest.

But he already only works 3.5, and could feasibly rest and relax all day after he dropped you off, or at least manage one day with no car to help you out. You sound like you are at the edge of breaking with your commute time- I've been there so I know how destroying it can me.

So YANBU I would be very taken-aback that he didn't want to do such a small thing to make my very difficult situation easier.

Exactly this! He's not going to have to deal with exhaustion by not having another lie in. I cannot fathom how some people in a relationship operate.
OmgIThinkILikeYou · 30/01/2022 07:59

Just get a taxi, it would probably be cheaper than parking at the station all day anyway

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 30/01/2022 08:21

These responses astonish me. Don't people work as a team and want to support their hardworking exhausted partners? All this 'whose car is it' 'eating into HIS time off' etc. It's so weird to me, self-oriented.

Yes, we work as a team but marriage doesn't mean giving up all your wants and selfish needs to support someone else's.

OP admits that working weekends in a job with the commute from hell is her choice - she could do it through the week all the time but doesn't want to.

So maybe her DH thinks "well, she doesn't have to get up on a Saturday if she doesn't want to - she's choosing to make things harder than they need to be, so she needs to deal with the consequences of that."

I'm all for supporting my partner and working as a team but I'm also not one to enable what I think are silly, unnecessary choices.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 30/01/2022 08:24

@Skeumorph

Gosh there are LOTS of ways in which he could avoid giving you this lift!

You buy another car… all he’d have to do is get a full time job and you’d have more money… oh wait

You stop working on the weekends in addition to your full working week and long commutes… all he’d have to do is get a full time job and then you wouldn’t have to work all hours god sends… oh wait

🤨

OP benefits from his part-time hours though as during the week he does the school runs and collects the children from childcare.

If he wasn't around, she'd need to sort her hours out or change jobs anyway as she'd never be home in time to collect her DC - she's already said as much upthread.

It's interesting how when it's a husband working part-time, people slam him as lazy and work-shy but when it's a woman she's carrying the household and enabling her partner to further her career by sacrificing her own Hmm

cultkid · 30/01/2022 08:25

My husband would deff drop me but then I'm wondering why you ever thought that commute was viable!?

cocktailclub · 30/01/2022 08:29

If you're ok financially then for goodness sake get another key for the car so he can walk and pick it up later. Or get a taxi.

WhatICallMyUsername · 30/01/2022 08:45

YANBU to ask for a lift once a fortnight

YABU to spend most of your working day on Mumsnet Hmm

Kwackerly · 30/01/2022 08:48

This is really about the morning, a 15 min walk as opposed to a 5 min drive. As there's presumably no reason he would refuse to pick you up in the evening if you walked in the morning?

So no, I wouldn't get my husband up to save myself a ten minute walk. I like a lay in though so this may skew my response.

MordredsOrrery · 30/01/2022 08:56

From what you've said he's been giving you lifts since you started the job in the autumn up until a fortnight ago. What changed two weeks ago? Do you both feel unappreciated and the lift issue is now shorthand for that?

Valeriekat · 30/01/2022 09:06

It must be disheartening when he can't do this little thing for you when you are working so hard and paying most of the bills.
Getting the spare key will solve the immediate. problem of course but is he taking care of you?