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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is dh ?

411 replies

P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 08:35

We live in a seaside town and I commute into London 4-5 days a week. My commute - door to door - is approx 4-4.5hrs round trip due to me recently working the other side of London (not sure how long this is sustainable but that's besides the point I'm trying to make). My work day is long and I work hard for our family. DH works 3.5days during week days 30mins drive away.

I have two dc aged 15&9 (not dh's) who I share custody of with their dad. On days I'm in London I walk to station at 6:30am from our house. It is a 15-20min walk. DH will keep the car and kindly helps with school runs on days I have my dc. The studio I work in is open on a Saturday so i work on the Saturdays I don't have my children EOW and take a day off during the week to do school runs and collect my children at normal pick up times. So DH will help with school run two days max per week.

The Saturday I work (which is today - I'm on the train now) I ask DH for a lift. I get a later train at 8:07am so not super early and DH thinks this is unfair. I have said to him that I am happy to drive myself to station and take the key to London and drive it back tonight. He feels this means I am strong arming him into making him give me a lift when it is his day off and he could be sleeping. He said it is ridiculous I will keep him from using the car all day on an Saturday to avoid doing a 15-20min walk to station.

Aibu at feeling so upset at his lack of consideration towards me when I am working my arse off to support our family which includes doing a hellish commute ? When he has 3.5days off a week, works much shorter hours and I am the breadwinner.

OP posts:
nanbread · 30/01/2022 17:07

Get him to pick you up on the way back but walk to the station in the morning. It will add on what, 10 mins to your commute once a fortnight?

Concestor · 30/01/2022 17:11

I used to commute 4 hours a day and I know how tiring it is but I still think YABU to expect him to get up early to take you to the station, and for not just getting a new key cut so he can collect the car from the station later if he needs it.
I think he should then collect you at the end of the day though, as for me it was always that last bit of walking that killed me at the end of the day. Although I lived alone and had to do it anyway.
He is also BU for not suggesting these things.

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 30/01/2022 17:20

@PinkSyCo

It hasn't been 50/50 tbh (read the responses ) and yes if a woman had so much time to herself (he actually has 3.5days off so one week in a fortnight he has off work child free ) then she would be flamed for not doing a small favour to her much harder working bread winning partner

But it’s not his fault that you have kids and that you have a long commute to work. You sound jealous of him, hence you would rather he needlessly got up early rather than doing the obvious thing of getting another bloody key. To be honest it seems like you need him more than he needs you so I would not be so petty about this if I were you.

You appear to have skim read and not taken in my responses which address your argument
OP posts:
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 30/01/2022 17:29

[quote BABAHOTEL]@fairylightsandwaxmelts because successful relationships thrive on being kind and acting as a team. Helping your partner, making life easy for each other.

Something you don't value obviously LOL!!! [/quote]
Hmm, on the contrary - I would argue that it's not necessarily "being kind" to expect someone to get up early just to save you a 10-15 minute walk, especially when there are plenty of other ways to avoid that walk anyway.

Cherrysherbet · 30/01/2022 17:50

I’m torn here. On the one hand, if it was me I wouldn’t think it was fair to get my dh up just to save me a walk. On the other hand, I know he would offer to, just to make my life easier .

I don’t think either of you are being really unreasonable. It seems to be a minor problem, unless there is a bigger resentment bubbling under the surface here?

It does sound a little like you want to drag him out of bed, because he gets more days off that you do?! If that’s the case, then you may need to talk about the bigger picture. Your commute does sound like hell.

Getting another key cut is probably the best solution in the short term, but won’t solve the actual problem.

CaptainCabinets · 30/01/2022 18:06

Can you imagine the responses if OP was a man? Grin

Would anyone be telling him to tell his wife to work more and stop being so lazy because she has to provide for someone else’s children? Would they fuck.

Also YABU, fresh air and exercise is good for you before sitting on a train for two hours.

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 30/01/2022 18:33

@CaptainCabinets

Can you imagine the responses if OP was a man? Grin

Would anyone be telling him to tell his wife to work more and stop being so lazy because she has to provide for someone else’s children? Would they fuck.

Also YABU, fresh air and exercise is good for you before sitting on a train for two hours.

I sit on the train for 1hr 12mins. I then cycle from st pancras to Chelsea. That takes the same time as walking down to the tube, getting the tube, then walking from tube station to my place of work. I get more than enough physical exercise as I cycle back too (10 miles per day)
OP posts:
silkience · 30/01/2022 18:42

@CaptainCabinets what? Confused

This thread is nothing to do with providing for someone else's children. The children sound perfectly well provided for! I have no idea why some people think he should work more hours. It is irrelevant to the op's point

The point is when one person's life is more exhausting, when they have less downtime, more stress etc, if you are in a loving relationship you do nice things for each other....but perhaps more so for the person who has it harder ?..... just natural fairness to me ..

CaptainCabinets · 30/01/2022 18:51

[quote silkience]@CaptainCabinets what? Confused

This thread is nothing to do with providing for someone else's children. The children sound perfectly well provided for! I have no idea why some people think he should work more hours. It is irrelevant to the op's point

The point is when one person's life is more exhausting, when they have less downtime, more stress etc, if you are in a loving relationship you do nice things for each other....but perhaps more so for the person who has it harder ?..... just natural fairness to me ..
[/quote]
There are many comments asking why he doesn’t work more to contribute to family expenses.

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 30/01/2022 19:12

We don't need more money. This isn't about that. It is about the division of responsibilities and what is fair in other ways than finances

OP posts:
Ginandvomits · 30/01/2022 19:39

I wouldn't think twice at dropping my DH at the train station or him me. Since she's the main bread winner, she probably bought and paid for the car too.

CorsicaDreaming · 30/01/2022 19:54

@P4nicSt4tions - The trouble is here that if you make him do what you want he is going to resent it. So it just seems much better to fix the issue by getting another key for the car - you take car and he picks it up when he wants to get up if he needs it - or you just order a taxi for every other Saturday morning.

My view is you basically need to find a solution that works for you both or one of you is going to end up resenting it - and going forward that just isn't great for your relationship.

It does sound like he does quite a bit already in the week to support by sorting out transporting your DCs (I do appreciate that is because you are doing a mammoth commute, but nevertheless they are your kids, so I think that's got to "count") - but I always feel a bit wary when things get into counting out who is doing what in this way... it just erodes good will and give and take.

BABAHOTEL · 30/01/2022 20:00

@fairylightsandwaxmelts on the contrary I'd say 8 am is not early!

So precious about sleep!

LOL

aSofaNearYou · 30/01/2022 20:03

[quote BABAHOTEL]@fairylightsandwaxmelts on the contrary I'd say 8 am is not early!

So precious about sleep!

LOL [/quote]
Pretty lacking in the kind of empathy you seem to be championing. Some people need more sleep than others.

BABAHOTEL · 30/01/2022 20:06

@aSofaNearYou well you know he could go to bed earlier??

It's really quite easy to deal with!

aSofaNearYou · 30/01/2022 20:34

[quote BABAHOTEL]@aSofaNearYou well you know he could go to bed earlier??

It's really quite easy to deal with! [/quote]
How do you know? Sleep obviously isn't important to you. That's fine, but it is to others.

Classicblunder · 30/01/2022 20:38

[quote BABAHOTEL]@aSofaNearYou well you know he could go to bed earlier??

It's really quite easy to deal with! [/quote]
You could argue that a 15 min walk is also easy to deal with!

TenRedThings · 30/01/2022 20:44

Who's car is it? Did you buy it together ? If it's yours then that settles it, you drive yourself to the station. I don't see why if he wants the car later he can't walk and pick it up , you could hide the key somewhere.

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 30/01/2022 20:48

To a sofa

He gets the opportunity for 6 lie ins a fortnight. This is about one of those lie ins. He can't lie in past 8 one of those six lie in days ?

What a poor bastard.

I have a 15yo son who I'd be really not happy with if, in the future, he was treating his wife / partner like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 30/01/2022 20:50

@TenRedThings

Who's car is it? Did you buy it together ? If it's yours then that settles it, you drive yourself to the station. I don't see why if he wants the car later he can't walk and pick it up , you could hide the key somewhere.
This has been answered already
OP posts:
Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 30/01/2022 20:52

To a sofa

Sleep matters to me too. Even ten minutes once per fortnight.

OP posts:
LilOnline · 30/01/2022 20:56

OP - I agree with you. I feel bad for you that he doesn't feel guilty you spend the day working when he's lying in bed.

Also I'm not sure why this lie-in is so sacred. Can't he just get up - he doesn't have to get changed or brush his teeth or anything, get in the car and do the 10 min round trip to the station and back. And go back upstairs and spend the next few hours in bed?!!

WheresYourIndicator · 30/01/2022 20:58

YANBU in the slightest OP!

Some of the responses you've had on here are ridiculous and it's shocking to see women setting the bar so low in terms of partner expectations.

Some of the comments such as 'he's already made enough sacrifices for you' and 'I wouldn't expect him to get up on his day off'.

What sacrifices? Seems to me like he has a very cushy situation!

On his day off? He has 3.5 fucking days off?! But how are you ask to interrupt his precious life for 20 mins to give you a lift?

Raise your bar ladies! Honestly, you're doing no one any bloody favours 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

steff13 · 30/01/2022 21:24

@P4nicSt4tions

Also I don't think it's true that if a woman came on here complaining that her husband asked for a 10min round trip lift once a fortnight at 8am when she had six child and work free days a fortnight to do whatever she liked - I don't believe her husband would be lambasted
Oh, he 100% would.

If I were him I would probably do it, but I'm a bit of a pleaser. I think a normal person would probably say you chose this long commute and this job in an industry that you can't find near where you live and therefore you need to make your own way.

Imworkingonit · 30/01/2022 21:55

Hi OP, whew, your schedule sounds exhausting.

I haven't rtft so sorry if this has been addressed but I wonder if one of you had suggested/organised getting a key cut and spoken about leaving the car at the station and sharing the Saturdays in the first place, you both would have been open to that idea? Are you mainly pissed off because it turned into a slanging match about who is being most selfish (and implied lazy)? Personally I think the 'who does more' and who ibu argument is a distraction. You obviously both input into the family in different ways and a straight 'like for like' on input is never going to be straightforward but the fact it turned into that argument in the first place is the issue iyswim so whoever took it in that direction is bu to my mind.

Maybe it's indicative of how you usually communicate, or maybe tiredness and frustration has meant you can't see the wood for the trees and acknowledge you both have reasonable wants in this (been there and have that T-shirt). I'm not sure how much will be gained by trying to win the 'who is bu' argument and wonder if you can both work from the standpoint it's reasonable for you both to gain out of this instead?