Aibu or is dh ?

[P4nicSt4tions]

We live in a seaside town and I commute into London 4-5 days a week. My commute - door to door - is approx 4-4.5hrs round trip due to me recently working the other side of London (not sure how long this is sustainable but that's besides the point I'm trying to make). My work day is long and I work hard for our family. DH works 3.5days during week days 30mins drive away.

I have two dc aged 15&9 (not dh's) who I share custody of with their dad. On days I'm in London I walk to station at 6:30am from our house. It is a 15-20min walk. DH will keep the car and kindly helps with school runs on days I have my dc. The studio I work in is open on a Saturday so i work on the Saturdays I don't have my children EOW and take a day off during the week to do school runs and collect my children at normal pick up times. So DH will help with school run two days max per week.

The Saturday I work (which is today - I'm on the train now) I ask DH for a lift. I get a later train at 8:07am so not super early and DH thinks this is unfair. I have said to him that I am happy to drive myself to station and take the key to London and drive it back tonight. He feels this means I am strong arming him into making him give me a lift when it is his day off and he could be sleeping. He said it is ridiculous I will keep him from using the car all day on an Saturday to avoid doing a 15-20min walk to station.

Aibu at feeling so upset at his lack of consideration towards me when I am working my arse off to support our family which includes doing a hellish commute ? When he has 3.5days off a week, works much shorter hours and I am the breadwinner.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to give you a lift every other week. He works part time, has quite a lot of lie in time already. He’s not looking after little kids. And if he knows he’s out Friday night, then you take the car.

Trouble with any lift is that even if just a 5 mins drive, surely you generally have to leave earlier to ensure no holds up from traffic. Whereas an 18 min walk is always 18 mins.

Surely he can't drive if he is out drinking with mates night before either?

Honestly I can't believe people are saying the OP is lazy when she has a 4.5 hour commute!
Not a chance would my DH lie in bed if he could save me that walk to ease my day once a fortnight.
I used to do a 3 hour commute 4 days a week pre lockdown and if my DH ever had a day off and I didn't, he'd offer to give me a lift to the station even though he works 5 days.

He sounds like an immature prick.

He can always go back to bed after he's dropped you off. It's a short drive, I can't imagine not wanting to do this for my DH, or him for me.

Get a second key cut. My bets are though that he'll complain about having to walk to the station later in the day for the car. Then you'll know he's showing his true colours as a lazy arse.

Also, a bit confused as to why it's shaving 30-40 mins off your commute on the Saturday.

Surely if he wants a lie in, even if you walk in the morning, he then collects you in the evening when you're back? Or has he another excuse for that?

I'm actually aghast at how many people are saying that you are being unreasonable. Answer: He should get another key cut (in some of his down time).

If I was in this situation my DH wouldn't hesitate to,drive me to the station, but he's a nice bloke, loves me and isn't selfish. In fact he'd probably ask if he could drive me to a further away station to allow me to get a fast train in^^ to save me time, possibly making me tea and toast for the journey. Some of you must have very low expectations of your OHs is all I can think.

Your work/life balance and that between the two of you sounds very skewed. This can happen sometimes but I really hope that it's temporary. Take care of yourself OP, and take the car.

I do think he’s being selfish especially if he doesn’t pick you up in the eve either. If he’s had a big night out maybe not that day but in general he could run you there and be back in bed in minutes.

@Valeriekat

It must be disheartening when he can't do this little thing for you when you are working so hard and paying most of the bills. Getting the spare key will solve the immediate. problem of course but is he taking care of you?

Well, he does do the school run for her DC several days a week for her while she gets up at a silly o'clock to go to London, and then picks them up and takes them home again afterwards.

Maybe he feels like he does plenty already?

@catwomando

I'm actually aghast at how many people are saying that you are being unreasonable. Answer: He should get another key cut (in some of his down time).

If I was in this situation my DH wouldn't hesitate to,drive me to the station, but he's a nice bloke, loves me and isn't selfish. In fact he'd probably ask if he could drive me to a further away station to allow me to get a fast train in^^ to save me time, possibly making me tea and toast for the journey. Some of you must have very low expectations of your OHs is all I can think.

Your work/life balance and that between the two of you sounds very skewed. This can happen sometimes but I really hope that it's temporary. Take care of yourself OP, and take the car.

No, not low expectations, I just think if someone chooses to work somewhere that requires a 4.5 hour commute each day, then that person shouldn't get resentful when people won't help them out.

It's OP's choice to work so far away and to work on a weekend - it sucks and yes, it's exhausting but it's a choice she's making so she can see her kids an extra day during the week.

It's not her husbands' job to facilitate her commute, which is clearly totally impractical and will just cause burn-out in the long run.

@P4nicSt4tions I've just read the whole thread, like you I was at work yesterday!

Some of the responses are balanced although there are a depressing number of the usual
Man Pleasing responses. This being the worst of all of them @Classicblunder

It's a 15 min walk?! It wouldn't occur to me to drive that because it's a 15 min walk! My 5 year old walks that every week to a swimming lesson after school when he is tired. My 2.5 year old walks 10 mins to nursery every day. Are you not a bit embarrassed to be that lazy?

Interesting that you don't ask the question of why he is not embarrassed to be so lazy that he needs six lie ins a fortnight. But then it sounds like you just wanted to be nasty.

To me, the lie in and the lift are exactly the same thing, neither are necessary yet you both want them to make your lives a little easier - yet there are so many biased responses outraged at the suggestion that your "want" should trump HIS!

Why the hell not, at least half the time, and given that your life is clearly harder and more exhausting, a kind person who already has so much downtime would not begrudge you this.

So many people on this thread have such transactional relationships with their partners and I think it's so sad. @fairylightsandwaxmelts you are just one of many referencing it not being "his job" to "facilitate op's choices" etc, I couldn't conduct my relationship like this, DH does loads of things for me (and my kids) that aren't his "job", he does them because he loves me and we are a TEAM. I do things for MIL, she's not my mum but I do it because it would be really difficult for DH to do it, and life and relationships are nuanced. OP is working that Saturday to enable her to see more of her kids, if this was my DH and I was lucky enough to already have two lie ins that week I would do it in a heartbeat.

The obvious solution is to get a second key. I can see your POV but in all honesty I wouldn't want to wake up early just to save someone 15-20 minutes either.

My DH has a life limiting condition. I run the household completely including our pooled finances, he does half the cooking and all the washing up. Four times a year there's a three day event I choose to volunteer for, which means I have to leave at 6am to get the train. He gets up to drive me to the station to save me the 30 minute bus ride to the station, and goes back to bed afterwards. On cold mornings he goes out earlier to warm up the car for me.

He says as long as he's able, he'll continue to drive me. He knows as his condition worsens I'll need to look after him more and I will give up going to these events which are the highlight of my year. This is what proper partners do for each other.

I hope yours will step up.

@Classicblunder what a ridiculous comment! No one gives a flying fuck that your 5 year old walks that far, presumably it's not followed by a days work and a long commute home? Go and see the GP, how bloody condescendingly passive aggressive.

What about this man needing a lie on three days per week, maybe he should see his GP?

Or is that not lazy? That's ok?

So many people on this thread have such transactional relationships with their partners and I think it's so sad. @fairylightsandwaxmelts you are just one of many referencing it not being "his job" to "facilitate op's choices" etc

My point (that people seem to be missing) is that he already does plenty to facilitate OP's choice of job and commute. She works a 12 hour day (including commute) so when her DC are with her, her DH gets her kids up, does the school run, goes to work, and then picks them up from school afterwards and takes them home again in the evening.

If he wasn't helping her out already, she couldn't do the job she does as one of her DC is only nine years old and can't get to/from school by themselves.

I don't think it's transactional to say to someone "you chose this, so you need to find a way to make it work that doesn't involve relying on other people to help you out all the time".

Crikey, l am shocked by the responses here op.

You are not being unreasonable at all to expect him to get up every other Saturday to make your very hectic and tiring work day easier.

He is being very selfish.

@fairylightsandwaxmelts I don't think anyone is missing your point. But to say that he is already doing "plenty" so op IBU to expect him to help with a lift occasionally is setting the bar quite low. He takes them to school in the morning a maximum of two days a week before going on to work. He picks only the youngest up at 6pm a maximum of two days a week and op is home at 6.30. She says she does all the school holiday care. It hardly sounds like he is doing a lot, and I don't think op is asking him to do more, just to either use public transport or give her a lift one day a fortnight. She also said that when his daughter needed it, she helped with the primary school runs, so has helped him when he has needed it.

[quote BABAHOTEL]@Classicblunder what a ridiculous comment! No one gives a flying fuck that your 5 year old walks that far, presumably it's not followed by a days work and a long commute home? Go and see the GP, how bloody condescendingly passive aggressive.

What about this man needing a lie on three days per week, maybe he should see his GP?

Or is that not lazy? That's ok?
[/quote]
this made me laugh 😂

[quote silkience]@fairylightsandwaxmelts I don't think anyone is missing your point. But to say that he is already doing "plenty" so op IBU to expect him to help with a lift occasionally is setting the bar quite low. He takes them to school in the morning a maximum of two days a week before going on to work. He picks only the youngest up at 6pm a maximum of two days a week and op is home at 6.30. She says she does all the school holiday care. It hardly sounds like he is doing a lot, and I don't think op is asking him to do more, just to either use public transport or give her a lift one day a fortnight. She also said that when his daughter needed it, she helped with the primary school runs, so has helped him when he has needed it.[/quote]
Well, each to their own - the world would be a boring place if we all agreed :)

I actually don't think OP is BU to ask for a lift but it shouldn't be expected and I think it's really unfair to get pissed off because he doesn't want to do it anymore (I believe he's actually already done it for two months).

I also think she's reading far too much into his refusal and taking it too personally - he just doesn't want to have an obligation to get up early on the weekends.

If a woman came on here and said her husband expected her to get up early on Saturday mornings to drive him a mile to the station, or expected her to go without the car all day, he'd be lambasted as selfish and unreasonable and people would be telling him to cycle/walk/pay for a taxi/sort himself out.

@Classicblunder

It's a 15 min walk?! It wouldn't occur to me to drive that because it's a 15 min walk!

My 5 year old walks that every week to a swimming lesson after school when he is tired. My 2.5 year old walks 10 mins to nursery every day.

Are you not a bit embarrassed to be that lazy?

Oh my god, I can't believe this comment. Did you actually read the part where the OP said she works full time with a hellish commute whereas her partner works part time? In what world is she lazy? Read the OP before making ridiculous comments.

[quote silkience]@fairylightsandwaxmelts I don't think anyone is missing your point. But to say that he is already doing "plenty" so op IBU to expect him to help with a lift occasionally is setting the bar quite low. He takes them to school in the morning a maximum of two days a week before going on to work. He picks only the youngest up at 6pm a maximum of two days a week and op is home at 6.30. She says she does all the school holiday care. It hardly sounds like he is doing a lot, and I don't think op is asking him to do more, just to either use public transport or give her a lift one day a fortnight. She also said that when his daughter needed it, she helped with the primary school runs, so has helped him when he has needed it.[/quote]
I was going to respond but you said it - thanks.

I wonder how many people responding are actually in a blended family with step parenting responsibilities ? It seems that some do not understand that a blended family is still a family and when you get married, you still can love and care for stepchildren like they are your own and go out of your way to support them and your OH. We don't have this thing where we feel grateful for caring for each other's kids. It's just something that we just do naturally - hopefully I'm not in the minority.

Additionally, as I have said already, I did not take the job without laying out to DH what this would mean re: impact on my children,our shared responsibilities (we have a dog) etc. He chose to support me as I would him. If he didn't then I wouldn't do it. It is a choice but it's not something that I've demanded of him. It's his choice too.

'I believe he's been doing it for two months' - hmmm I never said this.

@GloriaSicTransitMundi

My DH has a life limiting condition. I run the household completely including our pooled finances, he does half the cooking and all the washing up. Four times a year there's a three day event I choose to volunteer for, which means I have to leave at 6am to get the train. He gets up to drive me to the station to save me the 30 minute bus ride to the station, and goes back to bed afterwards. On cold mornings he goes out earlier to warm up the car for me.

He says as long as he's able, he'll continue to drive me. He knows as his condition worsens I'll need to look after him more and I will give up going to these events which are the highlight of my year. This is what proper partners do for each other.

I hope yours will step up.

You OH sounds lovely 😊

@burnoutbabe

Trouble with any lift is that even if just a 5 mins drive, surely you generally have to leave earlier to ensure no holds up from traffic. Whereas an 18 min walk is always 18 mins.

Surely he can't drive if he is out drinking with mates night before either?

It's a small seaside town so very little traffic

@WhatICallMyUsername

YANBU to ask for a lift once a fortnight

YABU to spend most of your working day on Mumsnet

Love this.

• don't be on your phone at work - you have no fucking clue what I did yesterday and the hours I worked
• why are you ignoring messages ? - you should be responding

Nothing like peoples assumptions getting in the way of facts

Also I don't think it's true that if a woman came on here complaining that her husband asked for a 10min round trip lift once a fortnight at 8am when she had six child and work free days a fortnight to do whatever she liked - I don't believe her husband would be lambasted