am I totally crazy for being scared that my in-laws might have a key to my house??

[MrsMissusAnonAnonymous]

Ok, I think a little too much. Worry a little too much. The fact is, DH and I moved into parent IL’s old home after they bought the nicer one next door. Then fighting ensued about boundaries. Whether or not they had to ask to be in our yard, whether or not it was our yard, whether or not they’d move their things to their yard or keep using ours, whether or not they could text and call when they please… list goes on. Anyways, one big thing that has unsettled me SO much was their insistence on owning a key to our house even though WE own it and don’t want them to. They argued for weeks. Gave us a key and said that was all. I told DH I just didn’t believe them. Then we got locked out. Turns out they had another! So we took that one and didn’t give it back. But I still didn’t believe that was it. They said that was all, but I just knew. Anyways, we kept that as a spare until I wrecked and lost my main key, so the spare became my main and we were left spareless. I got locked out again. So, I figured I’d ask. Hell, they had 2 more. They were mighty upset and desperate when they found out I just tore off the door knob in impatience while waiting on them and then replaced it with something new. Now I’m just so nervous. FIL spent a good while after he saw my new knob trying to convince me of the ‘best places’ to hide my spare. We opted out of getting a spare partially because of that. It was off putting when he told me I could hide it in his shed knowing how they’ve acted about keys to our house. But I’m so worried because that knob is just a basic Walmart one with the brand on display, how do I know they didn’t find it and buy it to have their own keys? And why do they want access so dam bad? I’m sorry it just makes me so scared and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, they say it’s for an emergency but are unable to elaborate and don’t care that we don’t want them to have keys. AIBU?? Help! It sounds crazy, but clearly they weren’t being put to use while I’m at home, so I’ve sometimes been caught in the rabbit hole of wondering if they let theirselves in when we’re away. Tell me what you think please!!

I'm not sure why some posters are being so rude and dismissive. The one calling you insane is outrageously rude and please ignore that.

I would hate the feeling that someone else had access to my home if it was someone I did not trust implicitly.

Don't beat yourself up for feeling uncomfortable about this, your instincts are there to protect you and it seems you have quite a big problem with your in-laws.

Don't worry either about not predicting this would happen, people are usually on their best behaviour at first so it's understandable if you were taken in by them.

However they've shown their true colours now and you have been wise to change the handle and not leave a key outside.

Clearly they consider their old home to still be their property - and you as well!

You're doing well though, you have changed the handle and you're looking into getting an alarm and a lock box.

Re-keying is cheaper than changing locks, very quick for a pro.

Hang in there and keep working towards a move away from them. You've got this 👌

I would also be looking at moving far far away. Look at what opportunities there are if you moved to a city or different state or country

So much information is out there on the internet.
So many forums where you can ask a question and get answers you had never thought of.

I would also test to see how enmeshed your pil are in your dhs life

Ask him not to say anything to his parents about something innocuous and made up and see if there is a response from his parents indicating they have been told
Or put something in a drawer or cupboard and wait to see if pil mention in a roundabout way something that would show they had been snooping.

I would use this time to work on yourself and getting a plan in place. With or without your Dh because something tells me that he likes the status quo and doesn’t want to rock the boat.

So you don't actually own a home, in the way that most people would understand it.

Your in laws gifted you a mobile home on their land.

Move out now.

Rent an apartment in town. Complete your studies.

You don't have to live there.

There is no legal obligation to keep you there.

Go now and find a studio to rent

I’ve locked myself out ancientgran, as has my dh and he’s also locked me out. We are both competent professionals with young children and obviously we prioritise getting into our house but forgot at some point to take a key. It happens, we got a keylock but this sounds like a new thing for the op so now she knows.

Leave out the issue of the Pil contacting their son. If they don’t text you, it’s not your problem. Adding that in so many times makes you sound controlling I’m afraid. Your husband can put them on DND too and he hasn’t.
Sounds like the pil agreed for you to pay a nominal fee with the hope you’ll live nearby. They’re not willing for you to sell their asset and lose the money just yet. It’s essentially a gift with short strings.

If you’re both so bothered with the arrangements, why don’t you ask for your money back and get a place on your own like other people have to? You’ll get your privacy then. Privacy is worth a lot.
They’re essentially still treating you as children because you’re so young.

Not sure what’s so cringe about your mil saying you’ll be a mother to her future grandchildren.

Is your dh am only child?

I’ve never been locked out.. not once.
YABU for moving next door to your IL, into their old house, and not expecting to have boundary issues

Here's another thought OP. If the trailer is in good enough condition to move, why not research trailer parks near where you work and move it.
You say you are paying a tax bill now, is that for the land? Or is it the registration tags on the trailer. If it's the land, the in laws need to pay that as you don't legally own the land.
If all else fails, I'd abandon the trailer with them seeing they want it back so bad and go rent an apartment in town.

OP you’re getting a lot of flack here and I just want to commend you for responding so calmly and taking a lot of it on the chin!

At 19 I wouldn’t have had a clue about anything to do with property ownership and if someone had offered me a place to live as your PILs did then I probably would have bitten their arm off.

Sadly you are now finding out the hard way that family/friends and money rarely mix well, and that if something seems too good to be true then it probably is. You’ve had a lot of good practical suggestions about the key situation, and now that you’ve changed the lock it sounds like your PILs won’t be able to get in anyway. So try to put that worry aside for now. But the whole situation in general sounds very difficult and you definitely need to take steps to get some independence and distance from these people.

You live and learn, and the good thing is that you and your husband are so young and have your whole lives ahead of you to get yourselves into a better situation. Very very few 19 year olds own their own homes, so even if you have to walk away from the whole thing and start again, you’ll be able to work something out eventually. Try to see your current situation as temporary while you work on a better plan for yourselves.

The caveat to all this is that you and your husband need to be on the same page and work as a team. But that doesn’t mean you have to agree on everything and that you can never raise any problems with him. He can have his own relationship with his parents and have them involved in his life as much as he wants, but he also needs to understand and respect that you need space from them and that you aren’t comfortable having them so involved in your own life. If you don’t feel like you can say that to him, then, to borrow a classic Mumsnet phrase, you may have a husband problem rather than an in-law problem.

Good luck and I hope you can get something sorted one way or another.

@Fluenty

YABU as a grown adult to get locked out so much

Change your locks. Problem resolved.

ODFOD.

I have ADHD and get locked out all the time. Fuck all to do with age or maturity.

Change the lock and buy a key save and put it somewhere discreet they you will always have access

Change the lock barrels it's
a 5min job.
s://www.diy.com/ideas-advice/how-to-change-different-types-of-door-locks/CC_npcart_4100001.art

OP, I know you said you asked on Mumsnet because there is nothing similar in the US, but your whole life/lifestyle is very different to that of most people in the UK, so it is hard to give advice based on comparative experience.
It's very unusual to be married at 19 here and the whole home set up is not something that many (any?) of us would have experienced.

I haven't read the whole thread but a key safe might be a good way forward. They can be bought for under £20 and I'm sure they are available in the US.

Yes your totally crazy - You don't want them to have a spare key, but twice you have had to go to them for a spare key because you have lossed it.

Also why do people keep saying that OP gets locked out ‘so much’?!

She says they got locked out ONCE and then she lost her key in a car crash and needed a new one.

Hardly sounds excessive to me. Jesus, some people on here act like they’ve never put a foot wrong in their entire lives!

I read the OP as having got locked out 3x but could well have mis-read. 3x in a short space of times is a lot but apols if that's not the case.

@FirewomanSam

Also why do people keep saying that OP gets locked out ‘so much’?!

She says they got locked out ONCE and then she lost her key in a car crash and needed a new one.

Hardly sounds excessive to me. Jesus, some people on here act like they’ve never put a foot wrong in their entire lives!

No, she got locked out twice and didn't bother to get a spare key cut. Given that they can't have been there long, it does sound a trifle careless.

So many questions posters are asking have been answered numerous times already It's like "cancel the cheque" all over again. It's also spectacularly unhelpful to criticize someone for getting into the situation in the first place when they are asking for help getting out of it. We are all, presumably, human and making mistakes comes with the territory. A bit of empathy would not go amiss. As for the poster asking why OP had posted on Mumsnet - why the blazes shouldn't she? MN is based in UK but you don't have to be British, or a mum, to use it. If anyone can offer good advice this is a good place to find it. Unfortunately it's also a good place to find the other sort of comment.

At least there have been some supportive responses, and a few bracing but not unkind ones. I don't think I need to add to them as they have the bases covered, except just to say: "Change the locks"!

Oh, and good luck OP, hope your DH (who sounds like a sweetie) manages to break out of his lifelong conditioning to make a good new life before long. If he prefers to stick with his toxic parents in their smothering life and loses you in the process he is a fool. And you don't want to spend your life with a fool. Life experience tells me that; something you haven't had a lot of yet, but you'll get there. Hopefully he will too. (Mother of sons here, so tendency to be sympathetic to the young man who has had poor guidance to date.)

You’re all crazy! If I were you I’d sell the place and move a long way away.

They see him as their son, and me as his roommate, effectively. In their family, this way of life is almost tradition; generations upon generations have done this. Marry and live next door. Never move. Be a child for life

You keep saying "We're moving", but even if you manage to save enough on minimum wages you'll need your DH's agreement for that, and from all you've said I wouldn't necessarily expect to get it

That feeling that "This is my life now" is probably correct if you stay with him, so it might be that some hard decisions will be needed - and preferably before the kids start to arrive

I think I said "life" far too many times in the last paragraph . Anyway, hopefully it makes some kind of sense.

Why don't you just keep your spare hidden in your car? If you've gone out very far, chances are you took the car.

In the kind of family you're describing, people don't tend to extricate themselves from the family successfully.

I think you need to plan for the fact that when push comes to shove, it's 99% likely your son will 'choose' his family over you.

In such dysfunctional families, where things are transactional like giving a home in exchange for promises to never leave, it's rare for the outside partner to be able to convince the family member to stand up to their family. They may be either unwilling or unable to.

It very, very rarely ends in a happy healthy relationship. And at 19 it's unlikely you'll stay together for life anyway, even without the complication of a toxic family.

Is the home in both your names or just his?

Easiest options are the key safe or a non-key lock (keypad or fingerprint), then moving the mobile home to a new site much further away.

You know nothing about what I've experienced so your judgement isn't really appropriate.

But it's OK for you to judge the hell out of a nineteen year old who grew up with abusive parents and is now on another difficult situation?

So the OP forgot her keys twice. Big deal. My 18 year old lost her keys this week. On the same day she got a place at Cambridge to read history.